When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Dear SHMS,
I have been grappling with the same thing: feeling like I am maybe reading too much on here and making myself have spath attacks!!
I say I am going to take a break and then I am back on because like you, I am BLOWN AWAY by this community of such caring people.
I have been one of the lucky ones in that my experience was less dramatic than most on here. Or so I thought. Just this past couple of days I have been VERY tempted to re-connect with the spath. I have been on NC for about a month or so. He tried for several days and then gave up.. Or so I thought.
This past few days I have had to readjust my gym time because of my current schedule and I have run into him two days straight!. I stay far away from him but I can see that he is gleeful because in his weird little mind he is happy because he thinks I am there for HIM and that I am playing hard to get.
Nothing could be farther than the truth! I DO NOT speak to him or engage him in any way. He says hello and how are you and I don’t answer. I leave within 5 minutes of his arrival. GREY ROCK ROCKS 🙂
But, I MUST make sure that this stops and that I DO NOT end up at the gym at the same time as him. Even tho I think of my experience there, and I know I was STOOPID to the 10th degree that George Clooney, (tho aging) face still floors me.
I tell myself even tho he is very desirable physically for a man his age, that is only the shell. Inside he is as putrid as the the DEVIL himself.
I know exactly what will happen if I give him a second chance. I WILL BE THE ONE WHO PAYS FOR IT because all he wants is his supply back.
Ox, I really LOVE your saying “So better to be pithed off than pithed on! ”
You get a HUGE AMEN to that one sister!!
So, I will stick around LF because my situation is particularly iffy because it seems to not be as dramatic as others so it is easier for me to lower my guard. And that is what he is waiting for.
AR
Dear Adamsrib,
Thank you for those kind words! Jean is one of my heroes for sure! I aspire to have her wisdom, but more so to APPLY IT TO MY LIFE. A lot of what she says, I “know” —it is just the APPLICATION in which I am not so good!
There is another book I love (I am getting “into” women’s studies in my old age!) about a midwife from the late 1700s in Mass. She kept a diary and it is published and annotated as “A Midwife’s Diary” and I have a copy, need to go digi it out.
Medical history is interesting too as women, though they did MOST of the medical care for women and children and childbirth, were looked at as “second or third class” caregivers under men who were “Physicians” (who actually didn’t touch a patient) and surgeons/barbers who did the dirty work bleeding, setting brokenn legs, and amputating etc. Even today females in medicine are many times looked at as second rate. My materinal GM who was a P by the way, was a physician graduating in 1936, and even that late she was still looked at as a physician like a “talking dog.” Only reason she was able to go to medical school was her husband would have sent her ANYWHERE to get her arse out of the house and away from him and the kids! LOL He was also a physician graduating in 1911, his father was a physician and his father as well. I have a half sister who is a physician, and two of my sperm donor’s 3 sibs were physicians, so the “medical” runs in my family…
Women are half the world (actually a bit more than half) but yet, women do not have half the power in the world, even in the western cultures and in many cultures they have almost NO official power and very little unofficial power. The cultures that are “cultures of psychopathy” like the young woman whose nose and ears were amputated by her Taliban “husband” because her father sold her (age 12) and her 10-yr old sister to that Taliban famly to “marry” to a man of the family and be used as a slave for a “debt”—and when she ran away from the abuse, he caught her and cut her and left her for dead. She crawled to her own uncle’s for help, he refused, and FINALLY she found someone to help her and they took her to a US combat hospital–she is now in US to be “repaired.” She had to leave knowing her sister was left behind…my God what courage that young woman had, and how beastly that a CULTURE would allow such practices.
Talk about RABID, RADICAL and OUTRAGED!!! Of course I am! But what can I DO about it besides BE outraged? Not a bunch unfortunately except to pray for those children who are trapped in such conditions. I can’t help those women, but maybe if I can offer a word of comfort to a blogger here to go NO CONTACT, to take care of him/herself I can help someone in some way. Yep, I am glad I am the one pithed off, and not that young woman, but “there but for the grace of God go I”–no wo/man is entirely safe as long as everyone is not safe.
Dear Adamsrib & Oxy,
Hi AR- I’m sooo glad you’re a SW like me (Child Protection UK) because we need all intelligent, aware and wise person ‘on deck immediately’!
I like that we’re maybe all different ages etc – but a common thread definately running through.
Adamsrib. I do think it’s harder on us social care people in one sense – I mean to be the ‘victim’ of a sociopath. The job doesn’t allow it, society doesn’t give a frak and we don’t want to allow it either. We’re VERY strong. Stronger than the average bear – but the stronger we become I sometimes feel that we are tested stronger also!
Your posts to me were ‘just right’ and so spot on. Wishing you every happiness. Please take from LF as well as give – you give soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much already.
PS Oxy – everyone worth a salt can see your great heart. Head SWELLING much! LOL
Delta1 (())
Dear Delta1,
Thank you too sweetie! I wish my head would swell more and my arse less! LOL So I’m sticking to the “NEW NUTRITION PLAN” after yesterday’s “vacation” from strict control! I’m giving myself that once a month treat since my blood sugar isn’t really out of control at all, just very mild elevation, but if I don’t GET CONTROL it will be OUT OF CONTROL eventually. So went for another 20 minute walk (second today) and will do a bit of stair climbing before I quit for the day! I figure by breaking it up into 3 different stents I can get more in that way with less impact on my creeking joints!
I agree with you that we need more social workers, cops, judges, lawyers, nurses, doctors and other “helping professionals” who are WITH IT about what a psychopath is! I should add REPORTERS and MEDIA moguls too!
Thanks again for the sweet words of encouragement, believe me LF has GIVEN ME a lot more than I could ever give back! The “summer of complete Chaos” when I was in hiding, locked away on a lot at a lake away from all my friends and just about all support, my son was away working and the Ps were “hovering” I didn’t have much BESIDES LF. It was my SALVATION!
Dear Superkid
I wanted to just say that i’d read your post. I’ve not a whole lot of advice only.
Talk to your therapist or Gp for a referral for work specifically related to PTSD or panic attacks.
Domestic abuse services are in every town & city & may be able to help you further.
I feel you hun. What you’re feeling is a normal ‘side-effect’ of abuse ….believe me IT WILL PASS I PROMISE. But only if you get the right help.
In the meantime…………….BREATHE…………take a bath……….call a friend……….cuddle your pet……….get a massage. I know it sounds trite – but you need to reconnect with life in small and unobtrusive ways. If it doesnt’ work…. BREATHE…………take a bath………call a friend etc. Hunny you get the idea. BIG HUGS & blessings
Delta 1 xxx (())
Delta,
Yes what you say about social service workers is so true. We are fighters for justice and are a good lot. Where we have to watch out is we care so much, and it is easy to want to save the world. When I was a new worker I had a wonderful mentor who helped with that tendency. I learned to look at things objectively and how to walk that fine line between caring and being professional. It’s a fine balance. After awhile it gets to you thus, my hiatus. The economy precipitated my sabbatical but I am doing better now that I have dropped out 🙂
I have to give you loads of props. Child Protective Services has to be THE hardest population. My sister retired as an investigator with the DA’s office. She specialized in child homicide. When I would tell her that I could NEVER do that she told me “somebody has to put those bastard’s away (the perps)”. I am thankful for folks like you and her. Children are so vulnerable.
My population was the elderly. My sister tells me she could never do what I did. It takes all of us to make our world work better.
Take good care of yourself, as you know, stress is a major occupational hazard in our field.
Blessings,
Adamsrib
I am a bit sporadic with my posts, so it takes me a while to catch up with all the posts that follow. Thank you to all who replied and gave me a few helpful tips. I have found this subject of No Contact and the difficulty we all appear to have with it, fascinating.
One thing I have learned for me, is it’s about me now. Not him. If he decides to give it a try and drop a text to show banal interest in my welfare, that’s up to him. However, it’s my choice whether to ignore it, or answer it. I don’t have to take the bait do I? I have noticed that the times when I am weakest to this, is usually when other things have gone wrong and I am back in a vulnerable place. He becomes the scapegoat for me to lash out at instead of looking at what’s going on with me.
There are so many fabulous posts on here I can’t begin to respond to each – but know that all your words are read and valued. All your experiences, pain, enlightenment help.
I did move away from LF for some time for the same reasons mentioned – I was overdosing on it, which felt a bit like staying in it. I took a break for a while to do some inner work, and to take my focus away from the constant thinking thinking thinking.
The path to healing from any experience we have with this kind of relationship is a painful one, because you have to take a long hard look within, and that can be an emotional journey of intense pain. But it’s a valuable one. I have learned so much, and it’s all helping me to move on to a new path. A better path. I am learning slowly to live in the “now” not in the past, which is no longer there, or the future, which is not here yet. Live for the now moment and be kind and gentle to yourself. A bad experience can be turned to a useful one if it teaches you things you needed to know in order to grow.
It sounds trite, but it is true. You can move forward from the most awful experiences and in years to come look back at those and realise that for all the pain, in some way you gained something from it.
You all rock in my opinion. By being here, talking, sharing, supporting, and offering help to everyone else, you are in the healing process. I had the help of a wonderful person when I went to my place in rock bottom land. I once said to her I don’t know how to repay you for being there for me, helping me, listening to me go on and on and on for hours about my pain.
She said a lovely thing. She said “pass it on”.
This is what we all do on here, we pass it on. That can only be a good thing.
LJ
🙂
Oxy,
Tis true what you say about the medical field in it’s early days. Nurses for years were considered grunts. I know a women who is 99 and she was a nurse during WWII. She says most girls back then who became nurses did so to marry doctors!! That is what she did. Her late husband was a surgeon.
As far as the wise women way back when, they were often accused of giving pregnant women abortive herbs, so they were considered the scum of the earth (as they would be today-not a lot has changed in some ways). But we won’t go there my dear 🙂
As far as culturally oppressed women, I could make a case but I want to be careful.. Many aberrations of the Judeo-Christian belief system in this country practice extreme forms of submission of their women. Some examples: Hasidic Jews, Amish and Conservative Mennonites and other Anabaptist groups, Polygamous Mormons, and some Pentecostal groups etc..
To often we think of Muslim women and the Burqa, which is understandable. We are bombarded with those images.
It is never too late to get into Women Studies. It was very helpful to me when I left my narc/bi-polar/spath husband. I was in the evangelical community in those days and was very dependent on him. Those WS classes saved my life. As you can imagine, I was about burned at the stake because I left him and divorced him. Like I have said it was either divorce or murder. I chose the lesser of two evils.
Lots of hugs,
AR
Dear LJ,
Thank you sooo much for your post. I am going to make a sign for my bathroom mirror that says “It’s not about him now, it’s about me!”
Spot on for NC…. Brilliant!!!!
Thanks for coming back. We need you, but I understand it gets to be quite heavy.
AR
Dear Adamsrib,
Yes, it is not only Muslim cultures that persecute women, belittle and disempower them. The version of Christianity in which I was raised also does not value women as equal to males, and in my own social culture, the male child was more valued to “carry on the family name” than a female child.
In my own family, my egg donor’s brother was the “golden child” because he was male, though he was an alcoholic and misogynist of unreal proportions–I refer to him as Uncle Monste4r! Some of the crimes he committed should have sent him to prison for life, and yet, he was protected by the women of the family and I was punished for refusing to go along with this. (fortunately his crimes were not against me because he knew I would not have tolerated them and would have killed him if he’d tried) Like many psychopathic abusers, he was a coward, picking on only those he knew would not fight back.
The family and social pressure from within the family to the girl or woman to CONFORM, to remain silent, to become part of the conspiracy of silence is strong that many women never break out. Never let their voices be heard. I was born an “uppity” female child, and because I was the first grandchild given more leigh way than most “girl children” (at least until I reached puberty) but then the pressure to CONFORM to the family mottoes of “let’s pretend we’re a nice normal family” and “what would the neighbors think?”
I no longer think we are a “nice normal family” and I don’t “give a big rat’s behind what the freaking neighbors think!” In fact, I refuse to knuckle under and clling to false beliefs in order to “keep the peace.” Their “god” is not my God, and their gaslighting is not my TRUTH! I’m able to validate myself at last! I bought into the lie for way too long, but not any more! TOWANDA!!!!
The conspiracy of silence and assent is what keeps abuse possible. I am no longer silent and I no longer volunteer! Like EB, I’m ADAMANT about that!