When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Dear Renewedhope,
Well, glad you got the lesson this time, and I really do hope it sticks for your sake and the sake of your marriage.
“Friends” like this you need WHY?
I admit I don’t remember all the details of your relationship with this woman, but whatever it is, it isn’t healthy and you recognize that. First step! The hardest!
Forgiving yourself is also difficult, I know that from personal experience…but working on yourself and honestly assessing what it was that you were getting out of this relationship so that you don’t fall prey to another psychopath offering the same or a similar “reward” might help you in the long run.
That blunt and open honesty with ourselves is I think one of the most difficult parts. Because if we were not getting “something” out of the relationship (even if it is just our egos being stoked) we would not keep going back.
What is the missing piece in your life that she seemed to fill the hole of?
We know what SHE got–but what were you seeking? (ps. you don’t have to answer me or here on the board, just answer that question for and to yourself and I think it will help you greatly!)
Renewedhope;
I agree with Oxy. It’s time to be honest, with no one but yourself.
There is something your ‘getting’ by allowing yourself to be used……because you keep on going ‘back’. Your risking your marriage and not being fair to your wife.
Maybe it’s time to be alone…..totally, until you figure out what you are seeking from outer influences.
The holes in ourselves can’t be plugged by others.
Good luck, I hope you can find yourself.
oh my
Dear BBE and everyone
I have been totally NC with exN for 2 years. Gosh it’s been tough. Only now do I have the ‘outward’ lifestyle that I deserve & want. I do go out quite a bit, have the band etc. Still it’s difficult because there’s so many ‘no go areas’ – people who I would be friends with but can’t because they still have contact with exN (even if only sporadically). My exN knows better than to contact me now – but he still tries to talk to people he knows I’m fond of as a ‘spoiler’ tactic for me. It doesn’t totally destroy the friendships – but it’s put a certain distance to them as I’m very careful what I tell these people who were formerly persons I’d trust without reservation.
I still get a bit angry sometimes over the ‘holes’ – I’ve worked hard at my friendships and it feels a bit unfair still that I don’t enjoy the benefits a bit more.
I tend to spend time with ‘new’ people who have absolutely no connection to my exN – still it’s hard as it takes time to really get to know & trust a friend.
I probably still rely a little too much on company as an anti-dote to feelings of loneliness. I’ve always been a very sociable person & love to have people around me!
I am often alone physically – and am trying to deal with the feeling of ‘being lonely’ a bit better in my life. Making friends with myself and all that – Any hint and tips on that from other LFers would be gratefully received.
Blessings
Delta1
Dear Delta1,
Congratulations on your NC tiime. Congratulations too on realizing that you can’t have intimate relationships with people he is still “friends” with.
But at the same time, I would start by defining what a “friend” is—and at what level of “friendship” these people are in way of importance to you. I think most people when you sit down and really think about it are just “hang out buddies” rather than deep friends. Plus, friends some and go in our lives, for a time, or a season or a reason…people I felt close to in years past we have drifted apart over the years, or moved etc. it is just the way life is, so keep on making that investment in new friends and new relationships.
I wouldn’t stay completely away from these people if I enjoyed them, but at the same time, I would NOT discuss with them anything at all about him–NADA. Not what he said, or what you would want to say in rebuttal. Just “I have nothing to say about John, and what he says about anything is of no interest to me.” If they insist on talking about him or what he said, go NC with them.
If you feel lonely find something you enjoy doing and DO IT!“Or turn off the TV and the stereo and spend some time JUST WITH YOU. Talk to yourself, converse with yourself, enjoy yourself and your thinking. Take a walk, get a pet, volunteer…or contemplate the lint in your navel….there are all kinds of things to fill up those hours and make them interesting.
To OXY & Erin Brock:
Yes I have been honest with myself this time and asking myself what it was that made me risk, life, Limb and my marriage for this woman. I have come away thinking it is the Stockholm Syndrome. Or perhaps the fact that it has always been and always will be an Unrequited Love . I don’t see myself as a “masochist”, as I have never had a relationship with anyone else like I have had with this S woman. I don’t relish the fact that she has made a fool of me and I made myself one as well.
When she spoke positive to me she made me feel good about myself and supported my manhood. But when she became Authoritative and overbearing she shot that down. I would say she was more like the first fix a heroine addict gets. You never get that same high as you did the first time but you keep looking for it. You get hooked.
But in no other time in our 27 year relationship have I ever felt more used by her than I did this time.
I really do feel it’s over this time..even the friendship part. She will never be anything to me but a leech sucking off of me so long as I continue to contact her.
As for my wife..
I have started to fall back in love with her and that has been no easy task with her being bi polar. I have failed her miserably and for the life of me I don’t know why she has stayed with me and hung on. I just thank God she did. I have neglected her needs to give this woman things and now I have to catch up.My wife needs her teeth pulled out and dentures. She needs hearing aides and new glasses. Had I not been so generous with the S woman, my wife would of had those things. And I will forever regret the decision I made in hurting her. I go on from here with the best intentions I can and will not contact the S woman again. My wife says she will leave if I ever do it again. So that is enough incentive to stay NC. Well. That’s my story.. again.
Dear Renewedhope,
Admitting what the problem is (in medicine called the “chief complaint.”) is the FIRST and a NECESSARY step in fixing it. Just like if you go to a doctor’s office you have to tell them what is wrong with you, so they know where to start looking for what might have a clue of what is wrong (diagnosis) and how to fix it. (treatment)
If your diagnosis is wrong, your treatment protocol is not likely to be very successful.
Being honest with ourselves about what we have been “getting” out of our relationship with the psychopath is sometimes difficult to even consciously realize and is also painful to admit especiallly in a situation like you are describing.
I hope your wife is getting appropriate treatment for her bi-polar and that you will in turn be more supportive of her as well. I am glad that she has the strength to set some boundaries on your behavior, and I hope that you will respect those boundaries as well. She deserves to be respectred and treated with respect and kindness.
I hope that you will be able to regain your wife’s trust by not letting her down again in this manner. I definitely know that TRUST is important in any relationship but especially in a marriage, so I would caution you to be very aware that your wife will have some trust issues with you, and to reassure her that is normal, not vindictive on her part. She has a “right” to not trust you, and that right should be respected on your part even though you might like to have trust restored immediately.
Good luck and glad you are apparently on the road to healing. Hang around there’s still lots of good stuff here on LF.
I don’t know if this will be helpful for others, but I just did it and I am finding it VERY helpful to me.
I just wrote a “Remember when” document. I wrote ALL of the things I could remember (for now) that the mother f-cker did to me. My fingers could hardly keep up.
It’s SO easy to drift off to La-La land, listening to love songs that make us feel such deep despair with the thought of “losing them”. But REMEMBER who you have really LOST, Sisters!
Try it. Write down ALL of the things he did, starting with “Remember when….” and then when you are feeling a tinge of sorrow for him and missing him, READ THE LIST! I find it sobering.
I think there is a part of us that just needs to feel that old “I wish he loved me” emotion, that was created LONG before we met the idiots. Like the child who is molested, who goes on to being promiscuous. There is a very WEIRD comfort in feeling the same emotions that we felt as a child…..which then was our trauma. I think THIS is a big part of the Letting Go work we need to do. It’s letting go of that emotion and what it means to us and within us that sets us free.
He DOESN’T give a rats ass about the hurt he’s caused. NOPE it’s just ALL about HIM, HIM, HIM.
For the love of GOD!
Peace Sisters
hey.. Still Have My Soul…. Don’t forget this happens the other way around too! that there are many S women out there as well! My S woman could care less if she broke up my marriage. She never wanted me but she didn’t want to see me with anyone else either..The old bat!
Yes it does happen the other way around and is no less painful for the men on the receiving end, BUT the majority of sociopaths APPEAR to be male.