When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Delta1:
You are doing the right, but hard thing. Think where you were 1 year ago, 2 years ago and where you will be 1 year from now.
Delta1, that question about lonliness is one of my biggest questions. I feel like writing about it all the time, I have written about it MANY times!!! It weighs very heavily on me. I don’t like it. In fact I think it’s the reason I stayed in bad relationships for as long as I did. I think being alone is something I am going to have to conquer! I just won’t give up. A lot of people seem to be content with it, I’m waiting for that to happen to me, hope it does.
Me to. I want to be content with myself. I think I let myself down so badly and I know I won’t quit so I REALLY don’t like me. My mom always said, ‘ah, they just can’t stand their own company.’ I always thought that might be a little mean even if she was the kindest heart ever. Now I know that’s what’s wrong with me. No I can’t stand ‘my own’ company,,, ‘my own’ turned out to be my enemy and SOOO!!
Seriously, though, I hope to get over being controlled by a loneliness, I don’t know where came from (i speculate like, stillhavemysoul says, that it is something that was there before the p). I’m still going to blame the p for that, with the pile he is responsible for, maybe no one will notice that one little thing! 🙂
I thank God that he filled the huge gapping whole, the most important one, I think. But I can’t wait till the loneliness is filled and the little girl can finally feel peace and grow up without undue fear, anxiety, and everything else going on.
Dear it’sjustme,
The lonliness is much preferred over living with a spath. It may feel overwhelming at times and hard to manage but it can be done.
I think about my mom who was married to my dad for 40 years. He was cheating on her and wanted a divorce and she begged him not to. In reality, my dad treated my mom like sh*t. He would also have those moments when he was nice to her (sent her flowers once a week) and that probably kept her hooked. He would rage at her, who knows what would set him off, and he was abusive to me. I learned that children should be seen and not heard.
She is lonely sometimes but is so happy with her life. She cries when she is sad about not having a husband to grow old with, to support her and in turn have her love and affection. But she is so grateful to not have the drama and the hated temper tantrums that came out of the blue. She is an intelligent woman and she stayed for far too long, put up with way too much because she didn’t want to be alone.
Think of yourself with the spath and without, isn’t better to have peace and piece of mind then be with a disordered person? We stay in for reasons that may be from our childhood, fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone. We have to take ownership for why we stay and find the courage to know that it is not good for us to stay and to finally get out. It’s been a long time coming for me to give up the idea that he will actually change.
It’s hard giving up the dream but there are better dreams out there, we just have to be willing to find them.
Peace
Hi Shabby, Oxy, Itsjustme
Feeling a bit better now over the loneliness thing. I think actually the loneliness might actually be more ‘insecurity’ that I try to improve by connecting with others. As all targets of S N’s & P’s after being so badly betrayed by exN. I have been a bit ‘wide open’ to people with S traits because inside I have ‘not felt good enough’ and have looked to others to help me ‘proove’ to myself that I have value. In my ‘pre N life’ I didn’t know how important it was to keep people with S traits & behaviours WELL AWAY from me and to never put myself in a position of vulnerability with them. Because I was looking to others for approval – I was wide open to multiple and pernicious manipulations be those who for their own selfish reasons were vested in ‘keeping me down’. It does take a long time to recover from that abuse and brainwashing really. So sometimes when I’m lonely – it’s really me saying ‘I’m worried I have no worth’. So the secret has been to work on that feeling and the loneliness kind of takes care of itself.
I think it’s all old childhood ‘abandonment & rejection’ stuff too that I just have to accept and work past – not let it affect me too much.
I have spent a day or too just thinking about it and trying to do positive things that make me feel good and send myself positive and healing thoughts. Feeling much better now and although still physically alone – not actually lonely!! I do have lots of social things planned also – which helps of course- but I want to go into those new activities in the right frame of mind so that I’m not attractive to an S N or P – or if they do target me that I’m able to just NOT ENGAGE EMOTIONALLY or otherwise.
Take Care Everyone
Delta1 x
Dear Delta1,
Your “definition” of the loneliness as being “worried I have no worth” is a GREAT WAY to put it.
Humans are first of all “herd” animals or “group” animals just like cows or horses.
We don’t have to have “great herds” in which to live like the bison, but we live in small groups, families or tribes and individuals generally do not “live alone”—except in modern times.
Now think about this—how many generations has it been the “normal” “expected” or “usual” cultural thing for individuals to live ALONE in a separate house or apartment? How long has it been “normal” “usual” or “expected” for people to “retire” and have no “job” before they got to the point that they could hardly ambulate—even then, the very age that they had made them revered in the community and society so they were “important”people only because they had become old and therefore “wise”?
Yet, this cultural expectation and “need” that we are inflicting on ourselves to LIVE ALONE without a mate, in many cases actually BY OURSELVES in a separate dwelling, and be content with it.
We have never been taught to “live alone” without feeling lonely. Yet, in some ways it has some advantages as I have come to find out (partner wise alone, anyway)
I loved my husband, but he was “work”—there was more laundry to do, more cooking, more considering his wishes, desires and needs….in return for this extra “worK,” I received someone I liked to talk to, someone to sleep beside and keep me warm at night, and some emotional support, validation, etc.
So there were good things about the relationship but there were also costs in terms of things I had to DO (or give up) in exchange for the good things I received.
Now, I am learning that I can validate myself!!! Whoopie!!! As long as I had him to validate me I didn’t NEED to be able to validate myself (and I have learned that IMHO we ALL need to be able to validate ourselves FIRST—and not DEPEND 100% on someone else to validate us!) Do I hear a big AMEN on that!!!
The dog makes a pretty good foot warmer, but I’d really rather have my husband, but I don’t miss the laundry! LOL
I have a roommate, my son D. who is better than a husband because I can boss him around! (Joke!) and we get along great! He and I divide the chores of living in a rural home and keeping the cars running which actually benefits us both, and if he moved out I’d do my best to find another roommate ASAP. We each have our separate lives etc. and we share an abode and some common interests but we aren’t “joined at the hip” like a romantically involved couple, which has some advantages.
I agree with you Delta that we need to keep ALL disordered people at ARM’s LENGTH from us physically and MILES away from us EMOTIONALLY. These people can add nothing but stress, pain and chaos to our lives and will make life miserable for us if we allow them any access to things that are important to us.
At age 60+ even realizing that “my mommie never loved me” is devastation–but like we’ve said here on LF time and time again, the “truth will set you free, but first it will pith you off”—and it is only when we accept the truth that “X never did love me, can’t love me and is a bad influence on my life and my peace” that we can then GET OUT OF DENIAL and start to make + changes.
The grief process (Google Elizabeth Kubler Ross) is the same for any loss….death or divorce…and we are first in DENIAL that there is a problem, and ONLY when we get out of that stage of denial and ADMIT there is a problem and what that problem is, can we start to find a solution.
Sure we “bargain” and think “if I can just fix this then there won’t be a problem” –but we all know that does NOT work with psychopaths, but we frequently stay in that “bargaining” stage for months, weeks, years, decades…..before we can move on to “YEP, HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!” Now we are prepared to define it and fix it—and with psychopaths, the first part of “fix it” means GETTING AWAY from the psychopath!
The rest of the “fixing it” is repairing the damage to us that they have done since they came into our lives, and to fix whatever hole they crawled through to get into our lives. That’s the part where HEALING “starts being about us” not them.
Delta 1
“’abandonment & rejection’ stuff too that I just have to accept and work past ”“ not let it affect me too much.”
I don’t think that “stuff” is as easy to “not let it affect” us, as we’d all like to think. To be clear, I’m not about blaming my childhood and wallowing in the past, BUT, I have learned that this stuff is STORED there and must be addressed, understood and released (using SEVERAL mechanisms). OR, it comes back at us AGAIN and AGAIN.
That’s my thinking anyway.
I’m on Day Something Or Other. Not too far in. I’ve had a LOT of false starts, but each time I try again, it does get easier (for me). I am SO thankful for the weight loss. I’m eating well, going to the gym….meeting people.
I STILL have not let go of You Know Who. If I am honest, I know that i have set some kind of “miracle” deadline for Christmas. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I’m deluding myself. I think by Christmas though, I’ll be so far down the trail, I’ll forget all about the miracle. Here’s hopin’.
Peace Sisters
Oxy,
AMEN!
Oxy, I love the line “Whatever hole they crawled through to get into our lives.” I think that’s so true. If we did not have that “hole”, they would not have made it in.
YOU have the BEST lines!
Thanks SHMS, I guess I think in “one liners” but I do realize that I DID (do?) have an emotional HOLE through which the psychopaths crawled into my soul. Just like a rat gets into a corn crib. Maybe I should do an article on that! LOL Thanks for the idea!
I know we can’t go back and change our childhoods, what was the past IS THE PAST and there is an effect on us from that past, but that said, by recognizing what is past, what might have made us more vulnerable to the “siren song” of the psychopath, we can do a better job of healing and shoring up the defenses.