When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Dearest SHMS,
I so relate to all of what you just said. One year and almost 5 months a go,{thank you God for LF!} when I first discovered Lf, I didnt know squat re Socios, Narcs, Psychos, Borderlines, etc.As the wool started to be removed from my eyes, and the FOG of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, started to lift,I started to understand my spath daughters. The HARDEST thing for me then, and still is, to know ,NO they wont change,No, they are incapable of change,they think they are perfect,they even fool psychiatrists.To realise that you r own flesh and blood that you pushed out of your body all these years a go are horrible, hateful, cold, manipulative, lying using pieces of Crap. That NO they DONT love Mama, they dont give a shit about me.They have No empathy, NO conscience, NO compassion,NO deep emotions, besides greed, a kind of glee, and anger. They lie all the time, they suck you dry emotionally, mentally, and financially.Whats to love about them? NOTHING. But as a Mum it was, and still is so hard to get my head around all these facts.I can believe them in my mind, but going “Cold Turkey” an d never seeing them again, this was and is still very very hard to do.
But I know without a shadow of a doubt,that for my very survival, mentally, I CANT let up and phone them or see them, or even sneak a look at their pics via facebook.
{I cant now anyway, as theyve both banned me and “unfriended me from FB.Thank God!}
Love,
Mama gemXX
Stolen,
WANTING to believe they are a sociopath is SO true! It’s SO much easier. Somehow if they were a child molester, or a murder, it would be more clear cut.
I’m SO glad you chimed in. I knew I wasn’t alone in this. It’s not that I want to believe in the tooth fairy. It’s because of how I FEEL with him. Yes behaviors too, where I see NO benefit for him. I know, I know, he’s just telling me what I want to hear so he can manipulate me. It’s like being in the Truman Show and I can’t make it past the movie set because i CANNOT see the edge of the set…the OTHER SIDE.
Oh, here’s another one for you. I feel like this won’t be over till I fall in love with someone else. I feel it’s the ONLY way I’ll TRULY let go. This fact is sad too.
I know if he came back, it would take me only days to remember how terrible it was to be with him. I do have to say that a BIGGER part of me is letting go, than hanging on. I give FULL credit to NON CONTACT on that one…AND of course, to THIS AMAZING SITE filled with Ya’ll.
Peace Sisters.
SHMS
You know what. I bet looking at my story you would say that without a doubt he is a spath…because you didn’t experience the depth on my love and what I thought was his love. You didn’t “feel” it. You don’t have to deal with the pain of him “appearing” to be able to love her deeply. You just see his actions…and you know!
Me looking at your story I would probably say the same. I just see the facts. I have no emotion attached.
What I keep trying to tell myself is fact are facts. His actions are fact…what he did is history..it happened. HE LIED….so if he could act and lie about everything else why do I not believe that he can act about the “love.”
Everyone around me tells me that HE HASN’T CHANGED…HE WON’T CHANGE. I just keep trying to tell myself the same. And I also try to tell myself that IT DOESN’T MATTER. There is nothing about his actions that are deserving on my love. YES…I LOVED HIM DEEPLY!!!! And yes I want to love that deeply again…but HE doesn’t get to have that!!!
StolenI:
Only you lived your relationshit. Only you know the pain and deciet and lack of loyalty, abuse and all you suffered.
For me, The minute I was told by a psych about sociopaths…..given lit. to read…..there was NO doubt.
It snowballed from there…..the light went on….stadium lighting no less…..it all became clear as it unravelled.
Now…..putting th puzzle peices together of the past 28 years….I KNOW he hasn’t changed, and he will NEVER change…
Yeah, he’ll be ‘nice’….suck supply in…..that was the part I liked about him….his ‘nice’……but it was all fake…..to acheive his motives. I liked the ‘nice’ prior to unraveling the motives of supply.
He will dress the same, act the same, con the same and ‘love’ the same……and in the end….I want genuine love or nothing at all. NOT FAKE, front, cover and used fantasy ‘love’.
I WANT TO LIVE IN REALITY these days.
Just go back in your mindseye and remember all the bad……and it will quickly bring your ‘back around’.
As you said above…..actions are FACT!
Actions vs words….it’s time we watch the actions….or lack of.
And yes darlen…..your love was real. You felt it, you lived it. It was his taht was the facade.
Don’t ever discount your ability to love!
SHMS,
My friend, Todd, and I were talking about spaths and he asked if any thing can be done to fix them. I gave him several reasons why the answer is no. (Although I think that Paul the apostle was fixed when he was hit by lightning. I’ve heard that P’s have faulty wiring and their brains just don’t “get” it)
Sorry, I’ll try to stick to the subject…
I try to put my self in their shoes and think like a P. We can all do it because we were all narcissists as babies. This is how I came to the conclusion that it can’t happen.
First, think of the story of Lucifer. He was the favorite angel, charming and beautiful to behold. Then God made a pathetic little creature called human and loved them dearly. Lucifer was instantly envious. The wormy little Humans were getting a love that was special to them, and he couldn’t take it. He deserved all of God’s attention in his eyes – he was ENTITTLED TO IT. He wanted to decide who gets what and usurp God’s authority. When he couldn’t, he chose to rule in hell rather than serve in heaven. This is a story meant to describe how spaths think. His ego is so big, he can never admit to being wrong. Todd said, “so you mean they’re spoiled?” Yeah, I guess that’s one way to look at it, Pathologically spoiled. Most of them, like Lucifer, were very bright, had high IQs, were charming and could manipulate even as young children. Those traits are very nice but they are like a drug in a child. When they get everything they want by being that way, why grow up?
Todd asked, “what if it is explained to them?”
They won’t listen. Think about a time when someone bruised your ego and pissed you off. Your rightious anger creates a barrier to listening to anyone who would tell you that maybe you were in the wrong. Until you cooled off, you were not receptive. But the sociopath is seething with righteous anger 24/7 – to an extent you can’t even imagine. There is not enough love in the entire world to make him feel worshipped to the degree that he deserves. Yes, that is how egotistic they are, or they would not be able to destroy/rape/murder to the extent that they do. We all behave a little egotistically, once in a while in a moment of weakness. Remember what that is like, then magnify it a million times. That is what they feel.
Would someone like that listen to reason?
I think we all KNOW he cant change. It’s just SO odd that there is a part of us that “secretly” believes that JUST MAYBE! It’s all part of the enigma!
Hello everyone,
Have not posted anything in a while. Something happened with my ex spath that really threw me off balance. I have not had contact with my ex spath for 1 1/2 years. My kids have not wanted contact with the sperm donor for that long also. He is fuming, furious, I can feel it, hard to explain but I feel the intense anger around me. The only time I have seen him is in court, 2 times, and he tried at the beginning to get my kids to live with him, but after “enlightment” hit my kids, they decided to stay with me, which is where the love and stability are. He tried to get my daughter to live with him only because he hated paying child support and did not want to contribute to her Univerisity.
Anyway, last week I seen him in court and because things did not turn out the way he wanted, and because my daughter refuses to contact his mother and father who are also spaths. He was fuming….I can feel it in court. Well the next day, in our mailbox, there were pictures of the kids when they were very small till they were older, all the wallet size ones he used to keep at work…torn into tiny bits, He tore them by hand in hundreds of bits, but above all, by daughters face in each picture was targeted and torn in tiny pieces. My son who is 14, went to get the mail and found this envelope, unadressed, when he opened it, he was shocked…he phoned me on my cell, to tell me the slime had been around our house, and dared to come up our steps…my daughter was devastated in the magnitute of his hatred. I was scared and reported him to the police…they will not go see him because it might make him angrier, but they recorded it…they had also recorded the incident on the day he left when he hit me and really hurt me and my son had to call 911. But now I wonder, what is going on in his head 1 1/2 years later….should I be scared. I am thinking his new life, new women with 4 kids, ranging from 4 to 14 is not going too good. So he is very angry….should I be scared. What do you all think of this ?
Dear Survivorlady,
(shaking head here) That is spooky, and he meant it to be spooky! That much I will give him. I also agree with you that his relationship with the new woman with 4 kids from 4-14 is probably no big picnic!
I would be CAUTIOUS! I don’t know what kind of living conditions you have–city or country, detached house or apartment, by yourself or with someone besides your 14 yr old son.
I would also make sure the locks were secure, keep a cell phone handy with 911 programmed in for 1-touch calling, and maybe get a yappy dog if you can.
He is very capable of violence (he already hit you) and he is sneaky, obviously, so I would be cautious–if you can afford it, you might also get some camera video survelience or an alarm service. BE CAREFUL! God bless.
Dear Survivor Lady
Obviously I don’t know what country/state you live in. I’m from the UK & work in Child Protection. Here I would advise calling a domestic abuse service to conduct a full risk assessment and advise/support you further. There isn’t enough information here to make a ‘proper call’ on whether your ex is or is not dangerous to you and the children. He may or may not be. However we’ve all read of the statistically few – but deadly cases of exes who do go down the road of harming their children after feeling they’ve ‘lost’ a court case. The ‘wrong call’ can and does cost lives in a some (thankfully) rare cases.
I am however – EXTREMELY disturbed by his bizarre actions around the photos – without more contextual information. Aggression aimed at the children themselves is pretty unusual even in the bitter custody battles which are my ‘daily bread’. I would be even more worried if your daughter were aged under 13 – as this behaviour around the photos would be almost ‘unheard of’ (and I come accross alot of unpleasant behaviour). Estranged partners get more aggressive with teens as they ‘separate’ and become harder to manipulate in my experience so if your daughter is 13/14 also I would be less worried. Mainly as she’d be better away to ‘physically run and get away’ than a younger and ‘more physically vulnerable’ and ‘biddable’ child.
Information in risk assessments should ideally include – previous convictions, history of violence with yourself, mental health history and other types of information – from previous case files, family practioners etc which only a CP worker or psychologist would have access to under specific legal circumstances. A CP worker like myself ‘could’ have cause to compile this information and put it into context – in response to a referral from a Domestic Abuse service if they are also concerned about the physical and emotional wellbeing of yourself and your kids. You could call CP yourself – but it would be hard to provide the pertinent information in the right way – going via DA services would give you additional credibility – and also it keeps control with you a little, rather than control being entirely with CP services and shows your desire to protect ‘appropriately’.
In the meantime – no harm in doing some protective behaviours with the kids in a low key way – reminding them and you of all the ways of keeping themselves safe that apply to all young persons out and about from stranger-danger or any other dangers!
Blessings
Delta 1 x
Thank you Ox Drover,
Your words make sense. I live in the city, with good neighbors, and have already told them to keep an eye out, told them about the torn up pictures, and many of them started crying….they knew him, and cannot believe its the same guy…they think he must be bi-polor, I do not go into details, I just say that he is not “quite right”. I was contemplating a camera, and might do that. But I also found out that there was a strange lady around my house, it sounded like his new women, would not surprise me if she is his “mule”. She is actually on drugs, and has had run in with the law. He is definatley sneaky. My son has a crowbar by his bedside, and after seeing his father in a fit of rage, he will never forget. Also he tore up my sons picture of his beloved dog..this is while he was living with us…my son will never forget that…he really hates him. But I fear for my son, I hate to see him with this burden on his shoulders, the louse actually came back, when does it end ? My daughter who is the kindest person also lives with us (18), she is also watching her back, get this, my ex spath is paying for his new wifes University. (she is 30 he is 52), but will not pay for his daughter ! But she attends the same University as my daughter, how does one get rid of these cockroaches ?
If I provoke him with the police telling him to stay away, he will come back with a vegeance, but I do not want to look scared, and need for him to see my claws are sharp and ready to strike if he does. I am thinking about my kids more so than myself, if it was a torn up picture of me in the mailbox I would understand, but the kids are off limits to cockroaches !
Is anyone out there in the same predicament ?