When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
confused1
Ox what do I do with the “ring”? I was thinking of hocking it and using it towards atty fees but although he said i could have it.. do waht you want with it… I know he will probably take me to court over it as he has and endless $ supply. While the sight of it makes me sick I also cant stand the thought of him giving it to another person after I waited for it for 14 years. Its stupid huh? Its just a stone. One I cant look at never mind wear. idk but after giving it back 4 or 5 times already the thought of doing it again makes me sick
Ox Drover
Dear Confused,
It depends on how much it is worth– LOL –if it is worth selling I might do it, especially if you need the money. What is the court for since you weren’t married? I’m sorry if you said and I forgot I have CRS (can’t remember “stuff”).
In the meantime, put it in a safe or safety deposit box and don’t look at it for now. I think the “ring” was just one of those things he used to trap you (and I think you said other women) with. Some states have a Semi-legal rule if the man breaks the engagement the woman can keep the ring, and others I think if any one breaks it the ring must be given back. I wouldn’t do anything with it yet, just wait until a court tells you what to do, if it isn’t worth much, let him have it back, but let someone else give it to him (get a receipt).
The main thing you need to worry about now is yourself. NO contact, and be good to yourself. Good diet, good exercise, little or no alcohol, cut down or quit smoking if you can, and in general just BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Come here, read and learn (you will obscess a while but that’s okay) you will be angry, sad, mad, glad, and rinse and repeat! That’s to be expected. It is like a “death in the family” sort of—a loss.
You don’t deserve to be treated like he did, and the fact that he treeated you that way shows he didn’t love you. He isn’t the man you loved either. He was only a hologram of a man. (((hugs))))
hopeful6596
I just talked to my therapist. She is so funny. The look on her face when I start telling her about the recent spathisode is priceless. About him going to therapy 3x weekly, shes like, “Nobody goes 3x weekly unless you are rich and doing psychoanalysis, which no one even does anymore.” She just drilled and re-drilled into my head that he knows exactly what to say to get to me. But it’s unbelievable at how triggered I can get. Thanks all for your support. Also, my therapist laughed her arse off when I told her that Spath started telling me about a story and then I realized it was a story a date had been telling him;–but it’s what he was actually telling me that blew my mind–he was telling me that his “friend” was telling him about a date she had online, a first date, where the guy leaned over and said “I can’t wait to **** you.” Keep in mind, that Spath is telling ME this, like I would ********* want to know. I called him out on it and he said, “But it’s about the story!” There was actually more and I wouldn’t let him tell me, so he said that he was going to tell me anyway, and that’s when I hung up. Can you believe it??? Spaths are so stoopid. It did give my 74 year old therapist a good belly laugh, though.
Hopeful6596~
Ox Drover
Hopeful,
You are right, I didn’t even think about the 3X a week, you are right NO ONE goes 3 X week unless they are inpatient!
Yea, HE thought his story was so funny! But he did NOT GET it that no one else would. LOL
Glad you and your therapist had a good laugh, and glad to hear your more upbeat mood!
hopeful6596
Oxy,
That’s alright if you didn’t catch it. So not a biggie at all. When he said it, I did think, “3X”? But I get so triggered if I talk to him that my thinking process goes out the door and my intellect rendered mush. You know what I’m talking about, Oxers. Even if he actually is going to therapy. Then he said, “you think I’m a sociopath, but I do have remorse! And I’m not in jail so I can’t be a sociopath. And also, I want to get better, so I cannot be a sociopath.”
Ya know what, as my therapist said, even if that’s true and he wants to get better, she doesn’t think he can/ is capable of it. This is who he is, and she said that it doesn’t matter if he sounds aware or not. She reminded me that he has ALWAYS sounded aware. She is SOOO right, and that’s what kept me hanging on. Anyway, I am feeling much better. Day 1 NC.
Hopeful6596~
Ox Drover
Of course he is AWARE, go back and read Steve’s artticle about the essence of psychopathy from this past week…THEY ARE AWARE THEY ARE DIFFERENT. They KNOW right from wrong, they just don’t care.
If they don’t know it is wrong, they wouldn’t lie and try to hide their crimes. A 2 year old knows right from wrong on some thing, they just don’t have the capacity to stop them selves from hitting another kid even if they know it is wrong….same with a psychopath. They are emotionally two—IT IS ALL ABOUT ME. Difference is, the 2 year old will grow out of it! (besides they are so cute!)
hopeful6596
Oxy,
tee hee! I know. That’s what I’m sayin’ about losing my marbles if I talk to him. Common sense and intellect go right out the window. All the more reason for no contact.
Hopeful6596~
Enigma
MONSTERS DON’T HAVE SHADOWS!
Thank you, Donna, for this very timely post. I am on day 7 of NC. This past weekend was harder than I expected it to be. During the week I can stay busy and distracted much of the time with work. It is the weekends that weaken me, I am not going to pretend they won’t be difficult to get through.
I have posted that Monster statement everywhere in my home, car and office to remind myself that those few knee-weakening memories will sneak up on me and devour me if I do not stay vigilant. It is rather silly, I know, but part of finding myself and learning to live well again means having a bit of fun along the way. I have decided tonight to take the lesson a bit further and am off to the bookstore to find a coloring book of monsters and will break out the crayolas when it gets really rough”breath, color,breath, color, rinse and repeat as you all say! Coloring used to be so easy when I was younger, but now I find I really have to concentrate on it!
And of course I am here lurking about as needed”..thank you all, you wise and wonderful women!!!! (guys, too, sorry!)
Callista
HERE’S to ALL the Day 1ers out there! Hip Hip Hooray!
Callista
I have posted this before, but thought it apropos in response to the above
“If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.” ”