When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Ok this is off the wall
I bet I use up 1000 caleries a day just running to the potty. I should be the star of that “gotta go, gotta go right now” commercial.
Well this was timely! I am starting back on day 1 of NC (sigh), but at least I am not on square one-YEAH!
Hopeful (if you see this), I was reading down all the replies and when I read one of yours up near the beginning my jaw dropped. Did we date the same guy? You were mentioning inconsistancies and you said his reply was something about being “mutually exclusive” I can’t tell you how many times I heard that from the xspath.
As I said I am back on day 1 again of NC. Late last night I got a call, I was sleeping and didn’t even look to see who it was, just answered. It was him. He started saying all this crap about “I’m done, I’m tired, my life was not suppose to be like this at my age, my kids are gone, you’re gone, and my job is about to be gone’ so what’s the point of it all? After all I did this to myself. I’m done, I’m giving up. No matter what remember I always loved you, I’m sorry I hurt. I’m sorry you ever met me and that I did this to you. My pain is enormous. It’s time to numb the pain, I’m tired of being sad. I’m sorry I woke you up, Good-bye Ann. He has never called my by name in all the years we were together. It was always hon, babe, sweetie (most likely so he didn’t call me the wrong name)…Never my name. I was a bit taken back by the call, I’ll be honest the care taker in me wanted to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. However, he is NOT my responsibility. So I rolled over and went back to sleep-HA! So, I have to admit a part of me wanted to make sure he hadn’t done anything stupid, so I did send him an email this morning (I know pan on the head!). All I said in my email – are you feeling better today? He replied back and said – I am still hurting. So I sent one back and just wrote “I figured as much, at least you’re among the living. If you do decide to do yourself in, could you at least leave a note of the money you owe me? I’d appreciate. Good luck! Jerk-off! I swear do they ever stop with the tactics?
Good reply Finding!!! NOW keep the NC commitment to yourself! To hell with him, the money and whatever name he calls you! NC is the best !! Does he live close to you? I was fortunate to be able to flee 700 miles away and not make myself exposed to running into him at the market or otherwise. That hasn’t made it any easier… he did his damage to me and that takes time to heal from!
Stay strong and independent!
soimnotthecrazee1!!!!
Butterflies to all!!
findingmyself,
LOL! Your reply was exactly the kind of thing I would have said. I love it. Reel him in for a bit, let him think you’ve fallen for it and then SLAM him back down to REALITY. Reality Bites.
I get WANTING to hurt them. I do. REALLY. I’ve had daydreams of cutting off his you know what and putting it in the blender. But I hope it’s helpful to learn that as you “recover/grow”, or whatever you want to call it, you stop feeling the desire to hurt them.
I have said this before one previous entries, but would it have taught us anything if Jesus had been up on the cross saying, “You bastards, you’ll pay for this!”
It actually makes me sad to read about the need to hurt them. DON’T GET ME WRONG, I understand THOROUGHLY. I’m just saying that for me, as I get past it, I see what’s on the other side. It’s a better place.
Remember the law of attraction says you get back the thoughts and emotions you put out to the universe. I understand the “screw you, take that”. It’s because they’ve taken our power and we are working to get it back. This stage is normal. Just know that it means you are making progress, but it is still not serving you well.
Peace Sisters.
Stillhavemysoul,
For me, I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to inflict pain on him (if he’s capable of even feeling any such pain). I just want him to stop playing games with me. I want him to stop with the claims of love and change, because I have heard that so many times before only for him to revert back once he had me hooked again. I don’t want to see another woman be taken in by him and hurt; I wouldn’t wish that on my enemy. The phone call I received was an attempt to see if he could extract some emotion from me.
I saw a couple of your other entries as I was scrolling down to reply to your post. You had mentioned your “Remember When Document”, I have so many conversations ‘documented’ in his own words. We communicated via messenger and email quite a bit. I have all those conversations saved. All I have had to do is go back to one of the many times I was trying to let go of the relationship to see the words he proclaimed to suck me back in. The promises of change, the promises that he would never hurt me again. Only to repeat it all over again and when I questioned him if there was another woman he would gaslight me and make me question myself-because he told me he would never do it again and he wasn’t. Yeah RIGHT! He sure was.
He is in counseling now to my knowledge. As Oxy had said that if they do go it can make them worse, only learning more tools to be better at how they manipulate. Well, in the past when I would break things off, he would say to me “I have to go cry now”. I always knew it was just words/an act. Since he started therapy (they were looking into his lack of emotions) he was saying how sorry he was for everything and his voice started to quiver and he was taking a few deep breaths as if he was feeling emotion and crying. When I didn’t respond to his “act” he stopped instantly and in his normal voice said “are you still there?” when I said I was he said (in his totally normal voice) “ok, I thought we got disconnected” and then the acting stopped completely. He went back to talking normally. So he is learning how to “fake” emotions better. Seeing as I know him so well, and I know he is unable to cry, and I knew it was only a show-he proved that by how quickly it disappeared, he is being taught through therapy. I don’t think a man in his mid-50’s, after living this way his entire life, is going to be able to change or get better through therapy. Which I find very sad.
The thing I have to look at is this. I have been married and divorced, I have had relationships that ended for one reason or another. I have never had this kind of trouble ending a relationship nor these kinds of feelings for someone who treated me so badly. I had to evaluate why this one was so hard for me. My other relationships were nothing like this one. It was that one or the other just decided that things were not going to work out between us. They were “normal” and healthy and adult. With this relationship it was all about the power, the betrayal bond that somehow sucked me in. The ability for him to manipulate me. Even IF he did get better, why on earth would I ever want to be with someone who treated me as badly as he did? I “loved” who he was when the mask was on. When the true him appeared, I didn’t even like him much. It’s so twisted and unhealthy and warped. If I live to be 80, my life is more than 1/2 over, do I really want to be in THAT kind of relationship? NO ma’am!!
Sorry, I think I got very long winded on this reply. My therapy for the day, my thoughts, my reality. The bottom line, I do have sympathy for him, I feel sorry for him, I really wish him no harm, I am just very hurt for the pain I allowed him to cause me due to his “condition”. In the end I really can’t blame him, nor can I blame myself-I had no knowledge of this type of personality disorder and how they work. Out of everything bad something good can come. I have learned A LOT!! I am sad for the hurt I endured, I am sad that he is the way he is. I am happy that I never married or moved in with him, and more happy that I was finally able to get out to save myself.
Sorry, I will shut up now 😛
Dear Soul,
I loved your comment about what if Jesus said “You’ll be sorry…” and you are so RIGHT about it!
I read an article in the Washington Examiner today about a Christian woman in Pakistan who is condemned to death because she was working in the fields with some Muslim women and she went to get water for them, and they wouldn’t drink it because she was a Christian, now she is condemned to death for blasphemy against Allah. What did Jesus say about giving a cup of water in His name.
Anger is no sin, I think, even Jesus got angry at injustice, but the BITTERNESS that the anger CAN lead to, the desire for revenge I think DOES harm US, not them, when we harbor those negative feelings in our hearts for long periods of time.
Someone once said it is like US drinking poison and expecting someone ELSE to die.
Findingmyself, your last paragraph is a good one.
Good Sunday All
Started reading this thread shortly after 9 this a.m. looked up and it’s after 12. WOW and DOUBLE WOW I now really know how luckly I am to have gotten out of the relationship with just being singed. I can not tell you enough how grateful I am to have found the site. So much wisdom (OX EB and many more)
Delta 1: What a compelling story if you ever give up the band( I hope you don’t) you should consider writing. The NC you spoke about must have been for me when you said he went NC with you. Catfish has been NC for 4 weeks. This started the day after my birthday. I broke it off with him the first time after about 3 and a half months. But don’t you know he told me a sob story and I rationalized it. As a business person I have always anayled the pros and cons of everything, and always made a final decision sometimes the decision was good and sometimes not. When he started an argument over thin air and said I could not make a decsion without anayling it; I made a quick decsion to leave and not come back. This is what I told him:
“You are right, you will always be right, no matter what I say or do I can not be right, you know more, and I am not smart enough to know how to make it right, so I will leave you alone and let you bask in your rightness.”
You should have seen the look on his face. It told me everything. The love I had for him died right there. I realized immediately he is and always will be a fraud. I was not in love with him but what he pretended to be. I nor anyone can love what never was. I refuse to live in a fantasy world.
The reason for my being here is education, because I could not put a name to what was happening. Now I know and I am arming myself against it.
All of your postings and stories and time and energy mean so much to me.
My daughter says I have become obsessed with this. I say it has to stop. If it is to be it has to start with me. I will not rest until all is well.
No matter what your story or background is you are all AWESOME I am making this blip in my life mean something. I am turning this weak spot into a strenght and hopefully keep one person from falling into the trap of a S/P.
Stay Strong Stay Safe and Stay Sane
Thanks Oxy 🙂
I had a dream last night, I very RARELY remember any dreams. But this one woke me up. I wrote down what I remembered. Basically, I was in my bedroom getting ready to leave to go somewhere. I walked out into the family room towards the front door. There was a man standing there. He seemed somewhat familiar to me, but I didn’t know who is really was. I asked him “what do want, what are you doing in my house?” He grabbed me and said “to just go with it”. He pushed me into my bedroom forcefully. I started to panic. I said to him “please don’t hurt me”. When I looked at him his face started to change, like it was melting off. The melting face only made it down to around the eye area when I saw my ex’s eyes looking back at me. At that point I woke up.
When I woke up and went over what I remembered the only thought was my ex. The man in my dream seemed familiar, I thought I knew my ex off and on but I never really knew him. He told me to just “go with it”, like my ex expected me to do with all the bad treatment. I asked him not to hurt me, my ex promised over and over again not to ever hurt me again. The melting face, the mask coming off. My ex’s eyes underneath that melting mask. The person who he really was coming to the surface.
The fact that it woke me, and I remembered such detail and what I can connect to it in reality—WOW!
SeeingCleary – ‘obsessed with this’ – this is a vharge i struggle with also. I know i do not want to spend my life dealing with this; but i find people so replulsed by it, that it is hard to introduce anything new into my life – people run.
I am not going to stop talking about it – obviously not, i am on lf, but there is more room for other things now. BUT there is still little good in my life. it will take a concerted effort. Then what happens to my dealing with the effects and education re: spathy?
I will ask myself these questions and see where I guide myself.
Love what you said to him, and don’t know if your Catfish reference is connected with the movie, but if it is… nice one.