When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Deceived:
LOVE IT!
I once found some panties…..and spath tried to CONVINCE me they were mine! Uh, yeah…..NOPE!
What creeped me out about your post was that James Biela kept ALL his victims panties……JB is now on death row in NEvada for murdering Brianna Dennison, raping her and then strangling her with her thong underwear.
I’m with Oxy….not so sure ‘who’ else collects these sort of ‘trophies’……I’m glad your safe!!!!
Deceived.
My ex (I can say it now) is 49 TOO!
Don’t beat yourself up over believing his lies. They are GREAT liars and we are trusting. The perfect combination.
As for the negativity, it is a NECESSARY stage. We HAVE to finally realize what the hell these heartless bastards actually did and we have to get mad about it. As long as it is a STAGE that doesn’t consume us.
Please try and remember that the universe will boomerang back what we feel. So if we are all about anger, we get more to be angry about. People think we have to get this and get that to be happy. But the truth is, we have to BE happy to get this and get that.
Erin,
I LOVE how they try and convince us of stuff. “Those panties are yours!”, or when my friend heard a phone ring in the car and she had hers and his was on the console….He said, “It’s on the radio”….LOL. She waited till he was asleep, then combed the car…and voila, found the phone that was “just on the radio”. A second phone. SNEAKY!
Oh the crap they do. I SURE don’t miss the hypervigilant state I was always in…looking for things……tracking him down…wondering, wondering, wondering. Ugh. Life is peaceful now.
Peace Sisters
Stillhavemysoul; boy could I relate to your comment quote “I SURE don’t miss the hypervigilant state I was always in”looking for things—tracking him down”wondering, wondering, wondering. Ugh. Life is peaceful now.”
I was never one to snoop, look for things, wondering, tracking….NEVER! But somehow I became that kind of person. I got very good at hacking his accounts, I still can’t believe I did THAT! But, I just HAD to know the truth. I should have just walked away but I was so sucked into the madness of it all I was not myself by the time I started acting this way. I would check his phone, cell phone, accounts, everything! And you’re right, life IS peaceful now…NO MORE OF THE MADNESS!!
So I went out last nite. Looking for a parking place I see his truck, the one I bought him, not the new shiny one he showed up here in. So after all this time I went weak in the knees and felt like just going back home, Instead I go the club across the street from the club he is in, get me a drink and set at a table by the window where I can see when he comes out, One hour pass’s and I see him with my one good eye, not up close but it’s him and another guy get in the truck and leave. I walk over where his truck was parked and stand there asking myself what is it I want? Why am I doing this after 3 years? So I go inside the club he just left get me another drink and set down trying to get some vibe’s I guess.. I see a guy that knows him, he doesnt remember me but I ask if M is still with R and he says M lives with R but they are not ‘together’ anymore..M still works at the same place according to this guy. So I had my 3 drink limit and came home. The clubs are not a place I like to be. This is prolly the 4th time I have been out there in almost 3 years.. I didnt feel anything when I saw him from a distance..I like the no more madness comment above by findingmyself..but why did I do that? I aint proud of myself for acting like a stalker..it was not my intention to look for him but I always do so I can avoid him..I wont be going out again for a long while.
Hens,
Don’t beat yourself up …they leave such a deep blueprint in our minds and hearts that I’m convinced it takes years and years to get over and re-wire our brains. You weren’t stalking, you were caught up in the moment and re-living a the memory imprinted in you of how “it” felt.
Not sure that the curiousity ever goes away nor the hypervigilance…it’s human nature when you’ve been traumatized….not unless you move to another city or state.
Dear Henry,
Darling, I think the problem now is not HIM, it is your self concept. Remember, it starts out about THEM and ends up about US.
After my husband died, I was needy, lonely and prime prey for someone that I thought (hoped, fantasized) could make me happy.
WELL, the TRUTH is we must make ourselves happy. No one else, and nothing else can do it. No person, and no material possession can MAKE US HAPPY.
ANYTHING or ANYONE that is outside ourselves can NOT make us SECURELY happy, because material possessions can disappear in an instant and so can people. Even if the “disappearance” is death. So our happiness must be INTERNAL in order to be SECURE.
Unfortunately, I had let my happiness depend on my marriage too much, etc. rather than being internal.
So after he died, I looked for a partner/man to make me happy and complete again. Well, that made me prime target for a psychopath who saw my sign that was day glow orange NEEDY WOMAN HERE, Ps PLEASE APPLY! Well, he did and He hooked me hook line and sinker! I swallowed the bait and the HOOK all the way down to my gut in only a few weeks. Then he started being HIM, hateful, cheating, sneaky, etc. then 4 months of misery til I got the word what was going on from his cousin (I had known but denied I did) then months more of crying and feeling bad after I kicked him to the curb…and still grieving over the loss of my husband because during the time I was involved with the P I was NOT PROCESSING THE GRIEF I NEEDED TO OVER MY HUSBAND’S DEATH. Didn’t get that done til years later with all the other chaos that came on with the “summer of chaos” and the subsequent things.
I really am only now coming out of it all in the last year or so, and even now can be triggered and stressed like this parole hear4ing stuff did, like the lie from son C did, etc. so I am still not as able to bounce back like I could in the past.
I realized the other day when someone said something about “learning to function in our dysfunction” and it hit home. That is exactly what I had done. EXACTLY! I was the most functional dysfunctional person I know! I managed to keep up a front for my bosses, my patients, my friends, myself, and MOSTLY MYSELF!
Now I am working on ME.
Henry, darling I know your story (or at least the parts you have shared and those are bad enough) and I can understand you’ve got a lot to overcome in the way of abuse from your family of origin, but the SHAME IS NOT YOURS it should be THEIRS, but they have NO SHAME. It is NOT your job to take it on.
I know that none of us can have a childhood “do over” where we have the Clever family for our home life, but we can decide how we want to live the rest of our lives. I know I was teasing you about being “old” but sugar you are nearly 10 years younger than I am, so you are NOT old! You have got a lot of good years left to live.
It may be that neither of us will find a FITTING “partner” in this life, but I know for a FACT for me and I BET for you, that NEITHER of us wants another Psychopath for a partner even for a short period of time.
WE have a much better chance though of finding a GOOD partner if we quit feeling bad about ourselves, quit accepting the shame and the blame for what others have DONE TO US and get on with our lives and MAKE OURSELVES HAPPY, SATISFIED, AND LIVING THE GOOD LIFE. Then if and when the person comes along WE WILL BE GOOD PARTNERS OURSELVES and we sure as heck will not accept another psychopath for even a short time. You know I love you Henry, we’ve been through this carp for a long time together, and we’ve bashed each other’s brains out with the skillet, but every bit of it is because we CARE! ((((hugs)))) Your twisted sister
Hens,
I’m so sad for you today that you put yourself thru that MADNESS last nite. I am SO sad for you. I know that we all know how much that madness hurts, & work & pray for the day we’ll be able to end it. But, lord, if I’m still feeling & doing what I am now in 3 yrs…..well, I just don’t see how I can live for 3 yrs like this….I might have to still be alive, but I sure won’t be *living*. I hate this demi-hell I’m living in now, & the only thing I can do is climb out of it or lay down & die & I can’t see myself doing that! I already tried that back in June, & it upset so many people who love me that I know I HAVE to stay here & make myself thrive. Eventually. Soon.
Deceived,
I LOVE the panties story! I cracked up reading that—actually LOL’d—for the first time since yesterday!
Oxy,
well, I shouldn’t be down on my son. He has been buying 99% of the groceries & household things since he’s been here, & doing all the shopping & all the cooking. He’s extremely tidy, & he’s done all the yard work & a number of major repairs. And he’s only moving 2 doors down for the express reason of being able to be close enuf to me to continue to share food with me (I’ve never been good at feeding myself…..I know….it’s the Bad Child….she will put something in the microwave, but she’s all but refused to cook for herself for about 20 yrs!), & help me out in other ways.
And after all my pissing & moaning all week-end about having no $, he did give me $50 to help pay for the printer ink that I was bitching about yesterday. Once again, the whiny wheel gets the grease. (I can’t help it….whining worked when I was a kid….:-/ ) He Has given me Some $ since he’s been here….nothing close to the $100 a wk he said he’d give me, but I can’t say he’s “free-loaded” at all. It’s just that he doesn’t know a dime from a dollar, so whenever he did give me the $100, he’d often end up borrowing it back before the end of the week cuz he’d run short, & then he’d “pay it back” again the next week. 🙂
He’s a good guy….he’s been invaluable to me…..especially in the first 3 mos after J left when I was a total basket case. We’re just starting to get on each other’s nerves a little after nearly 6 mos, & he’s really antsy to get on into his own place.
Oxy & SeeingClearly,
yeah, he might screw her over as far as being “unfaithful”—meaning that, even if he’s not actively *cheating*, he’ll be doing the same things he did the whole time he was with me: looking online for other women & likely connecting with them in his superior secretive ways. He’s a sociopath, & for him that means having the thrill of getting away with highly risky behavior. But as far as her money, no, he won’t spend it all & leave her without. He’s very good at handling money, & he likes having money, & he’ll continue to advise & assist her in handling her money (just as he did with me, & as I know he did her becuz of notes from him I found on her financial statements.) For another thing, he does make his own money & has a Great Deal of Ego about doing that. And, anyhow, she has so much $ & will inherit so much $ that it’d be a herculean effort to spend it all.
HOWEVER, there is the matter of his $76K past-due taxes. And the multi-million$ lawsuit his ex-biz partner has filed against him. And yes, she might end up having to shell out a lot of bucks in legal fees for him (& the past-due taxes, which the IRS might never try to collect, since they’re all from more than 10yrs ago.) But I know—knowing him the way I do—that he took steps to protect her money from litigation or other threat (except the IRS which supersedes everything) as soon as they got married, if not before.
Of COURSE, I’d LOVE it if he screwed her to the other side of the wall….especially since I know she was more than complicit in making it so irresistible—& totally possible—for him to desert me for a HighLife with her! I just doubt it will happen financially. What I can’t understand is why her ultra-moneyed family hasn’t investigated him, his criminal record, taxes, law suits, etc. That’s just proof of how good he is at what he does….especially when it comes to impressing people with all his scientific/technical/financial knowledge & skills. I guess they’d never think to investigate such an impressive guy who they’ve even been working with for 4 yrs!!
Aeylah,
boy, do I understand your teeth-grinding moment! Only my XSP didn’t just take his new wife on a cruise, he cruised off with her forever into the life he’d promised me for 8 yrs!
FindingMyself,
thanks for your rambling post. You said a lot of things that made sense…..all the parts about why we still “love” him/her. I think one way that I’ve heard Oxy explain that is TRAUMA BOND. Am I right in interpreting it that way, Oxy?
FindingMyself,
For 7 years I NEVER looked at his phone, computer, searched his pocket, car…blah, blah.
I thought, “oh, he’s a flirt. He guards his phone because he thinks if I find some borderline flirty message I’ll act like those stupid woman who go nuts and make a big deal when it isn’t one.” HA!
Once ONE of his chicks sent me all the emails he sent to her, I became frickin’ Sherlock Holmes!
I don’t miss that crap. I don’t miss him anymore. 2 months ago I was ready to kill myself for the guy. Since then EACH day I’ve been focused on being KIND and GENTLE to myself and doing positive things in my life.
I’m not “cured” yet. But the pain is manageable now. In fact, I have VERY little pain. It comes in waves at times. For the most part, I don’t feel it. THANK GOD!
Peace Sisters
thanks to you all – another day and I will be better – I seem to create my own madness and I dont know how to escape that – my life follows me everywhere – it stopped raining so I am gonna go make some dollars.
FindingMyself,
For 7 years I NEVER looked at his phone, computer, searched his pocket, car…blah, blah.
I thought, “oh, he’s a flirt. He guards his phone because he thinks if I find some borderline flirty message I’ll act like those stupid woman who go nuts and make a big deal when it isn’t one.” HA!
Once ONE of his chicks sent me all the emails he sent, I became frickin’ Sherlock Holmes!
I don’t miss that crap. I don’t miss him anymore. 2 months ago I was ready to kill myself for the guy. Since then, EACH day, I’ve been focused on being KIND and GENTLE to myself and doing positive things in my life.
I’m not “cured” yet. But the pain is manageable now. In fact, I have VERY little pain. It comes in waves at times. For the most part, I don’t feel it. THANK GOD!
Peace Sisters