When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Lord, didn’t that feel good, EB!!!! I just love it when they give you the opportunity to do that, & you’re thinking on your feet fast enough to give em what they’ve got coming!
FindingMyself, ROFL!
It’s true what they say here at LF: There must be a Sociopath’s Handbook out there becuz they’re so predictable in doing the same things & saying the same things about it!
“Flattered!” That must be in the Glossary! And J even emailed me twice from THEIR posh hotel room that nite to tell me that I didn’t “ever have to worry” about him, & how much he loved me! Where the hell was she?!
Oh, that’s a stupid question: he ALWAYS, Without Fail, called me several times a day (& nite) when I now know he was with her! “Complicit” doesn’t begin to describe the way she enabled him to do what he did!! She not only paid for it all (the “loans”, clothes, plane fares, hotel charges<<I've found her credit card receipts for that!), but she sat by while he emailed, phoned, Skyped me!! Did she listen? Read over his shoulder? EGADS!!! What sick sh*t is that!!!
Yeah, maybe they were meant for each other. What happens when two sociopaths collide? Hopefully it's mutual destruction….
WhyMe…ok, now you really got me wondering. I NEVER suspected that someone was at his place during a skype call–OMG! Now I wonder why those “early nights” where all of sudden he was tired and wanted to go lay down–the SOB barely sleeps 2 hours a night strait! Oh man! Also, there were night when the bedroom door was shut behind him, which was strange because he only did that when his kids were there—well maybe it was someone else there. Oh well, just chalk it up to the other missed flags of mine! Good luck to the next one (or 2 or 3…) :p
FindingMyself!
Isn’t finding all these missed red flags fun??!! You know, as bad as it hurts, you just hafta laff at THEM, even more so than kick yourself for not seeing them!
All the self-doubting I did, all the “OMG how could I have been such a terrible person that he walked out on me like he did,” & then to now be able to go back & find all those flags & see exactly what reptilian creatures they are!
We might be hurt from all the brutal punches they landed, but we’re real live breathing feeling caring loving & trusting warm-blooded human beings!
Did I mention I am in a two party tape state….but no laws against a THIRD party listening in…..
I called the ‘law’ on the cell phone to listen in, as I had her on speaker phone…..
He was just blown away that she contacted me! AND what /how she said it all……I was HARSH!
She mentioned suing me…..I said I will encourage her to do that, (THEN they will have to come to MY town to ‘show’ up for court….and since they went to the effort of suing me….they most like.y WILL show up…..they can give the courts cash payment, THEN be arrested on outstanding warrants!)
Hehe…….
The court ‘law’ can and will be ready and willing and able to plan the attack…..but ONLY AFTER PAYMENT IS MADE!
Bummer for them……..
EB,
Who contacted you? The spaths sidekick, aka dupe? I thought the law was on his tail, hope they haul his butt in soon.
No….it was the business spath and wifey.
I have somehting they want…..and they know I won’t give it up, unless they pay up.
And then even…..it’s up to me ‘what/when/how’ I give it up…..
Backspath at it’s best! 🙂
It’s nice to know the ‘law’ is looking for them….actually, they got lot’s of ‘law’ levels looking for em….
I had some nice ‘chats’ today with several agencies. 🙂
Whyme, dead on! I know that he will never be in a healthy relationship. I know that he will NEVER be able to not lie (it comes so naturally to him). I know that no matter what, he will always be a player, user, manipulator and a big time liar!
I did all the things you mentioned, with the exception I broke it off with him. He was very good at keeping me on the side (even though I was the love of his life) while he had others around.
Never, never, never again! You wanna know something else. I use to keep a journal back when I first met him. I re-read that journal not very long ago. I read an entry within the first few months of meeting him that said, “I really enjoy HK, but I think he is a player. I probably should stick to being friends with him because I don’t think he is for me.” Now if only I had listened to myself. Those inner red flags that know, yet we allow things to continue—-STUPID!!! And the things that followed after that—even more stupid to have ever given him the time of day.
Oh well, lesson learned. A tough one at that. I feel sorry for the next one(s)…..
EB – you ‘da bomb!
Finding Myself,
I can go back & read all my letters I wrote to J in prison (which I typed on my computer & then printed & mailed to him), screaming bloody murder & calling him every kind of MF’n CS’n C**T SOB for all his online personals & his attempted schmoozing of the woman who later became my friend.
I’m horrified when I realize that I said all the same things to him THEN that I said to him after I finally found out about his concurrent 4yr relationship with the woman he married 6 wks after he left me! And I not only didn’t ditch him then, I forgave him, sat here waiting for him to “come home” from prison, & never ever brot up his previous shenanigans, or gave them a thot for the next 4 yrs!! Talk about EASY PICKINS!!!
Of course, THIS time wasn’t just attempted cheating & pseudo-cheating, it was blatantly living a double life until he could get everything arranged to leave me: he was on probation for 3 of the yrs & couldn’t just up & leave his “assigned residence” here (or his lab which he’d had to put here). And then he sweated it for 7mos, running around madly to get his plan in place to make a smooth escape from here without a word of warning.
I shouldn’t say “without warning”: had I had the Slightest clue that there was anything wrong, other than his “depression & frustration over work”, & not being able to achieve *our* goals faster, I would’ve recognized all the changes in his behavior for what they actually were.
As is often said on here, “the mask had begun to fall”….For 4-5 months before he left, he’d become irritable, uncommunicative except about necessary things (which was bizarre becuz we’d always talked constantly up to that time), drinking, always on the phone (& hanging up), spending more time traveling, more time hiding out in his lab, not caring how he looked or acted around me, & Most of All: that “LOOK”…he’d look up at me With THAT LOOK when I’d say something, & his responses weren’t what I expected, & I’d think, “gosh, he seems a little ticked off with me, i wonder what i said wrong, oh well, i know he’s just stressed lately.”
ALL of those should have been HUGE, Flashing Red Flags to me……especially since he “just didn’t think about sex anymore”, & it’d gotten increasingly that way for a couple of years!!
I just didn’t want to see it, you know….I trusted him so completely that I was sure it either had to be stress from work, or something that I was doing wrong!!
CRIMINY!!
But, hey, peeps, there’s progress happening here: do ya realize I’m no longer blaming myself? Do ya notice I’m no longer mourning losing “the best thing in my life”?? Yeah, I’m pissed becuz I Gave him 8 yrs of my life &, in return, he STOLE my dream, my plans for the life I was SURE we would be living happily ever after now. I miss “the dream” he stole. But I don’t miss him. I see him So Clearly as the viper that he is…..& that’s Progress!
Dear Whyme,
Get back your dream darling! Let him HAVE where ever he is living with “her”—the DREAM is inside you! Dreams are what we want them to be, and they are not places or things, but spirits and feelings! you can get your dream back sugar!!!! Just close your eyes and IMAGINE! (((HUGS))))