When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
So what was it I was wanting that night as I sat by the window in that bar, waiting for him to come out so I could get just a glimps of him? What vibes was I wanting when I went to the place he had just left? I have been pondering this. Why after so long do I care? Why after the realization of what happened? Why after rehashing all the bad over and over in my mind? I think I must make a conscience effort to remember what was good. There had to be something real, something good about him. He was flesh and blood, he shared my home. Good memories are fading. Maybe this is forgiveness for me. Giving up the hope that the past could of been any different. So if there were some things, some memories to cherish I want to remember that and lay down this hurt. It’s time.
Well, I haven’t posted in over a month and the spath has not only tried to call from the prison where he is incarcerated but he’s on some type of work release and has used someone’s cell phone to try and contact me atleast 4 or 5 times! It’s really bad when you have to not answer your phone because you aren’t sure who is calling because you don’t recognize the number! That was about a month ago and it’s been quiet ever since. I think my having implemented NO CONTACT for the last several months might have finally taken hold in that messed up brain of his! I can so relate to WHY ME because I, too, was a prison girlfriend for almost 3 years….writing letters several times a week, visiting every chance I got, sending money order so he wouldn’t starve (ugh!) and paying for multiple phone calls every week, not to mention believing in his complete innocence. I even borrowed money from my savings many times to support his prison stay…all the while believing he was truly “changed”….ahhh, how could I have been so stupid? This man has history of the same ole’ behavior, over and over and over again and I guess I thought I was just the woman that would change it all….Sad thing is there were so many times where he was so “normal”…..yet many times when I knew he was not “normal”. He would do anything to get attention of any kind…whether it be positive or negative attention. Weird stuff like hang shirts, caps, tools in the trees outside my home….make loud noises when going to the bathroom, and other things that were just very unconventional…just plain odd. He also hoarded junk and only shopped at garage sales….actually he was kind of obsessed with garage sales, going to them and having them….that is how he earned his money…go figure. I just thought many times he was doing this to be “funny” but I think it has something to do with the way their crazy brains are wired. The sense of entitlement he had was unmatched. He came in my home and basically “took over” like it was his house and the sad thing is that not once, in the entire time I knew him, did he contribute one dime to anything under my roof…and I allowed it because I loved him and felt sorry for him because he had been in and out of jail so many times and it was just hard for him to find a job….excuses, excuses, excuses. We had good times but we also had awful times because of his failure to “give” anything back in the relationship….all he ever did was take. He’d be staying at my house most of the time and yet do a job for me around the house and expect to be paid by me many times and yet he never contributed anything. He sucked me in and he had me for almost 6 years but I finally broke away….the chains are finally gone. Just like WHY ME said above, I had dreams for us and I thought he did too, atleast he said he did. His words and behavior just did not match. But someone with real dreams of being in a real relationship doesnt come out of prison after a 3 year incarceration and turn back around and violate their parole with a drug charge in only 60 days!!!The entire time I was with this man I bought him two vehicles, helped him with his “business” or so he called it….he NEVER worked on a regular, daily basis. I mean, why work when your gf makes good money and gives you what you want? He’s been a drug addict for years and I just wouldn’t believe it because he told me he just used occasionally. I just thought he needed “help”….he needs more than just “help”….and I know that now….he is never going to change because he is demented and uncaring and totally and completely focused on his own needs to the detriment of anyone and everyone that ever cared for him. He uses what I call his “God card” like a well rehearsed play….its truly sickening! He always blames others for his problems and why his life is like it is…there’s always an excuse. Well, he’s back in prison and hopefully for a real long time this time…He stole my money, my respect, my dreams and my heart…but he did not get my dignity. It’s been the hardest road I’ve ever traveled but I am headed forward and there is NO turning back. I am rid of him and NO CONTACT is what has gotten me to this point. Before NC, I was back and forth for 6 months….we were broken up but I still loved him so much I’d see him from time to time knowing it would lead nowhere but I just couldn’t let go. I finally let go. Do I still think about him? Every day……but atleast he’s not the first thing on my mind when my eyes open every morning….I have new dreams and am continuing to heal with time. I am a big believer in Karma….and he has gotten his….this time the hand is not there to feed him. And me, well I am going to be fine and with each day my strength grows. I never got that Christmas together when he got out of prison but I will finally have a Christmas with healthy people all around me. These people know nothing of true love…irregardless of what is dribbling out of their sick, uncaring mouths…..sad but true. Good nite all!
strongsurvivor, I am so glad you posted, you ARE a strong survivor!!! Very inspirational!! The no contact is great, they can “hear” it loud and clear and we don’t have to say anything! Love what you wrote “irregardless of what is dribbling out of their sick, uncaring mouths” DRIBBLING, that’s great.
StrongSurvivor,
your strength IS OBVIOUS! It’s wonderful to hear you talk about the new life, new strength & new dreams you have now! Yeah, what is it about us that seems to make us think that “I’m the One Woman in the World” who can make everything right for them!!!
I’m glad to know that you have your New Dreams, & Oxy, tho I still can’t find a specific “New Dream”, but I’m believing more every day that I’m gonna find a new one SOON!
Hens,
your ruminations about what it is you’re missing that you’re still looking for & don’t know why……& that it’s time to Lay It Down…..really touched my heart. Bless yours.
This has hit a nerve with me like nothing else. I’ve visited other sites about N’s and P’s but this is BY FAR the most comprehensive.
I have broken NC over and over and over and over and over and over again. If he did not initiate contact after a time, I DID, and it was RARE if he did. RARE. I’m on day ONE again right now (sent an email today, but refused to see him and have not for over a week now, despite his begging until a new girl stepped in that I already suspected existed). I really need to vent this. I really do. I”ve been reading and reading and reading on this site for days now. I am in so much pain. SO MUCH pain and a lot of it IS MY OWN DOING!!! The one thing that I keep asking myself is “WHY? WHY THE HELL DO I WANT HIM? WHY DO I WANT TO GO BACK AFTER ALL THE LIES AND WHAT HE”S DONE TO ME AND WHAT I”VE DONE TO OTHERS IN WANTING TO BELIEVE THOSE LIES!!” It is has been utterly frustrating.
He hooked me good with promises of a relationship, a true genuine relationship that never happened. The game card he played is that I would never be good enough for him, his status or anything else. I BELIEVED that so I tried harder and harder and harder and harder…..and I’m beginning to understand, REALLY SEE< that it's ME!!!!!!! I WANTED SO MUCH for him to love me. I would have done just about anything and I damn near did. I"m LEFT with absolute shame and guilt. ABSOLUTE and some of it RIGHTLY to own!!! It is now all of my fault, with ex wife and now new girlfriend. I would sent him HUNDREDS of texts and emails when he was LYING to me wanting for him JUST to tell me the truth…or literally BEGGING him to love me…I lost my morality, my judgment, my emotional/spiritual life, mired in confusion, grief and pain…..in the last year, I've been NC with him NUMEROUS times, the longest being three months. I INITIATED contact after the three months. Got involved, I begged him to stay in the relationship and not leave me…to give it a chance……it only led to MORE hurt, pain, humiliation, destruction and abuse. The last two times of NC, I went STRICTLY NC and I Meant it. I did NOT contact him. He contacted me. He knew I meant it. Prior to NC this last time, the last time I saw him, he pursued and pursued and pursued me….and I REFUSED to reciprocate. I did'nt want too….each time I spent time with him, I felt a STRONG sense of fear, anxiety and MORE FEAR about what would happen next, what he would do to me…..I could no longer stand it.
I credit going to school full time as one of the reasons for NOT giving into his demands to see me as often as he demanded that I see him. I just was so very very very tired and my schooling was a driving force………..to find me. BUt it was and remains, a war against HIM……
He ran off with his high school sweetheart. She has money and he's in debt, newly divorced just a year and paying child support. He used me for sex, for the in between times. I'm sick with grief. This is OVER OVER OVER…..but I'm more sick about the part I played the absolute INTENSE fear that he will try to contact me again and PRAYING AND HOPING TO GOD that she will be enough to keep him away from me, although I did bother to warn her and leave it at that as she is somewhat well off, with her own business and I know how badly in debt he is. I also know some things he told me about how he would never "do a heavy woman" (His exes were all thin types), but then started to tell me recently that heavy women were what men wanted because they were good in bed. Red flag number twenty MILLION!! I knew what he was after, particularly with what business she is in. He's lookin to scam her. Incredible. I will not contact her again, but I just so strongly felt she should at least have a heads up, given her financial situatoin (BLESSED), rather than let this little dickhead SNOW her…..apparently, when it comes to being heavily in debt, versus having a trophy thin wife works just as well. Please understand that I don't distinguish about anyone whether they are heavy or not, but that VERY statement, frightened me FOR HER….and she believes he is absolutely head over heels for her. It is so very sad. I know there is nothing I can do about it, and it is ultimately up to her, but it's not right and I COULD NOT LIVE WITH MYSELF IF I DID NOT WARN HER ABOUT HIS MOTIVES!!
It's time for me to really heal. It's time for me to get back up on the wagon and STAY there….there are so many parts to this that I totally relate too. It feels VERY freeing to say that i had such difficulty getting free and it is wonderful that you're not bashed here for going back over and over again….it is SO TRUE that addictions can take many times quitting before it takes, and for some it never does, but there IS apart of me that still believes in myself, a tiny part that with all the pain and shame and guilt, there is still something good. STILL….I knew he was telling lies for a long time. I KNEW….but I didn't want to believe. I completely and blatantly, overlooked it. I so just wanted him to love me. I so just wanted that. But I know that has to come from within. I'm very frightened of the future as well. How much of it do I have left at 47? I"ve never had a healthy relationship with a man in those entire 47 years and now i"m too tired to have one. I want to have one with myself…..but this pain is nearly unbearable, even when so obvious as to who he is…the little girl is left behind again….and she is screaming to be loved…..UGH!!! and he knew that………..he knew……and exploited that deep desire for all it's worth.
Thank you for this post and allowing me to vent.
dear lesson learned, so sorry you have been through this, also. You ARE good, you ARE worth it, you ARE lovable…and so is the innocent little girl inside.
I’m 52, a little older than you, I had a few relationships with men. When they ended, most were bittersweet. Things that should have been…the lover or spouse that did not give back what I gave.
But…a sociopath is completely different. They lie, steal, cheat, and take and take. I was blown away by my experience with one. Never saw it coming. It’s NOT you. It’s NOT normal.
They rip our reality apart, and we have to take baby steps to reconstruct reality again.
God Bless and big (((hugs))).
May I recommend a book that i borrowed from the library? the book is titled…Trauma and Recovery…’the aftermath of violence-from domestic abuse to political terror. Author is Judith Herman, M.D.
What I like about this book is that the first half details the trauma of PTSD…war, domestic gas lighting…etc., in the first half. The second half describes the stages of recovery, whether you do it by yourself or the role of a therapist.
Outstanding and insightful. Just shared this with a new friend I met here on Lovefraud. A truly delightful lady.
lesson learned, when I kicked the spath hole out, I had no idea what a sociopath was besides Ted Bundy types. A victim’s advocate and one of my local police were the first people to explain ‘no contact’ to me.
my ex was slandering and stalking me online and I had been defending myself…feeding his power. Thank God these 2 professionals gave me the best defense…NC. Made him more angry, but I stick to it.
After that, I found Lovefraud…read the articles, and realized what I had come in contact with. It’s been 2 years now, and I am finally getting my Mojo back…and more.
Dear lessonlearned, I did the same thing as you over and over and over. I am now over 2 weeks no contact and feeling a lot better. I used to do the same thing..if so much time passed and I didn’t hear from him..I would contact him..if I didn’t eventually he would contact me. Either way it was always the same no matter how much he claimed to have changed. I know 2 weeks is not much and I have failed before many many times but this site helps so much and evryone on here is so caring bc everybody here understands. Good luck with your no contact..it is not easy but it is better than living every day in constant anxiety. I am still anxious that mine may contact me..I sure hope he doesn’t but I fear that too. If he does it would just be a new batch of lies more convincing than the last but I see through it now. I read in the book..the sociopath next door that living well is the best revenge.keep reading here and posting..it has helped me so much through my weakest times. We can do it 🙂
lesson learned,
I am so sorry to read you are in so much pain.
I can really relate to SO MUCH of what you wrote.
This website really saved me from years of being in a horrible relationship.
Knowledge = power, and it sounds like you are reclaiming some of your power!
Please keep reading and posting, it really helps,
glad you came here instead of answering his email.
They “hear” the NC loud and clear!!!
and they don’t like it…
tough shit.