When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Callista
Just want to emphasize this line.
“This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment.”
Peace Sisters
hopeful6596
Callista,
And how! Excellent reminder and true. NOBODY has the, what I call, the charm offensive of a sociopath. Mine is a master at it, and very tough to feel repulsed when he’s doing it. Its, well, charming! Just like he tried last night….being funny and witty and charming. As always. No contact is the best form of contact.
Hopeful6596~
Ox Drover
Dear Callista, Hopeful, and Enigma, and anyone else out there newly NC!
You guys have some awesome wisdom to apply here, and some good experience in what NOT to do!!!
I am so proud of you all!!!! HOLD HANDS AND DON’T LET GO!!!! CIRCLE THE WAGONS!!! DAMN THE TORPEDOES and PASS THE AMMUNITION!!!! (((Hugs)))) and my prayers!!!
Aeylah
Callista, Hope, Enigma,
Don’t feel bad, I have done day 1 so many times in the past 4 years it’s sad. The good news is that IF you fail and have contact again, you WILL REALIZE THE PAIN OF THE ABUSE IS STRONGER THAN THE DISCOMFORT OF NO CONTACT.
Wanting contact with them does become an addiction we have to break, just like it is for a crack addict trying to quit and wanting just a little tiny bit of the drug. With Sociopaths, if you keep going back when they trick you, eventually THEY REVEAL THEMSELVES IN HOW CRAZY AND IRRATIONAL THEY ARE.
Mine did…..he was frustrated because I had NC with him….he actually called about 2 weeks ago, caught me off guard early in the morning woke me up when I couldn’t see the caller ID and said….. ” If you don’t agree to be friends with me, then I will slander you worse than you ever imagined- just tell me yes or no…are you going to be friends with me?” CRAZY, INMATURE LIKE A 2 YEAR OLD AND SCARY. … He hung up before I could say a word. NC, NC, NC, This cured any last lovy-dovy memory I might have had and further enspired me to NC….EVER MORE!
Stay strong evryone…..((hugs))
hopeful6596
Oxy and Aeylah,
Oxy, let me first start by telling you that I looked up the name of that therapist Spath goes to. He’s a clinical psych, PHD. There s no way he sees this guy 3x weekly like he said. That’s ridiculous. Thanks for your words of support. I did feel like such a failure when I wasn’t strong enough not to pick up the phone, so there’s a certain amount of shame I feel. And then he proceeded to screw with my head so effectively. What did I expect?
Aeylah, that story you told about him calling you early in the morning–Yeeesh! That is so unbelievable! He IS a crazy, immature 2 year old. Threatening you into being his friend? Now that’s pricelss.
Hopeful6596~
hens
Aeylah – I am sorry the turd called you but also happy to hear your determination to stay NC. It sucks when you cant read the caller ID, I bought me one of the phones with a voice that tells me who’s calling..I dont have to worry about the xturd calling me, I changed my number’s long ago…My X once told me if I didn’t let him stay with me he would rock my f–king world and he wasnt being romantic, just desperate…No Contact is a ‘weapon’ we have control of, it’s taking back our power , power they had and when they lose that power it farcks with their slimy brains…Yeah i know, I remember, going no contact was a hard thing to do, he will never know what a state I was in behind that door I refused to open when he knocked..
hens
OXY OXY OXY You have mail – check your email..I need some support my mom is at it again….
Greg Wray
Yes, this is sooo true.
I’d had no contact with my ex unfaithful sociopathic partner for nearly a year. Suddenly out of the blue she emailed me accusing me of deceiving her, because she had seen some holiday photos of me with my children and two ladies having dinner together. They were ONLY people we met on holiday, no romance.
Foolishly in hindsight, I emailed her back. I asked her kindly to leave me alone now, as I was making a new life, had a new house, new car and had recently met someone new.
Within 2 days, she phoned me at work, crying and telling me that she had had a nervous breakdown, was depressed and on anti depressants, had a family member staying overnight with her because she was suicidal.
I called her every day to see if she was OK, I even met her for a drink and then a coffee. She was constantly telling me that she would never be able to move on without me, was telling me that she loved me, and she needed me in her life.
A few days later after I was unable to meet her for a coffee, she stopped replying to my texts. She never answered the phone, and basically she had me convinced that something horrible had happened to her. So I went round her house to see if she was Ok, and there she was…………..shagging an old ‘mate’ of her’s on her sofa.
So now ……….back to Day 1 again. Make that No Contact Contract and stick to it!!
superkid10
I have a question. I think this should be directed to Steve the LCW who is awesome and really gets it – but if anybody knows the answer…
I long thought my lover was a sociopath, and I told him so. But I have done a lot of research, and I’ve listened closely to him. I think he is “avoidant” – meaning, he fears trusting people, he fears needing people, he avoids exposing himself, etc. If you google search avpd, or avoidant personality disorder.
But all his dodging, and all his failure to be there for me, and for all his running away, I don’t know, it sort of feels like sociopathy too.
My questions.
Is it one? The other? Both?
Should I go no contact? Or is that exactly the opposite of what he needs?
I love the guy, but I need him to actually BE THERE for me, not be running away.
Help.
Donna Andersen
Superkid,
It doesn’t matter what the clinical diagnosis is. If you are not getting what you want from the relationship, move on.