When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
I AM heartbroken!!! Sunday( mother’s day) is also my son’s birthday.. he will be 25
This is the first birthday that he will not be wished by me…He has decided to go cold with me and has himself instituted no contact for the past nine months. It tears me up. I know I have raised him with love,caring and righteousness….now his choices are his to live with. But I do worry a lot and it does hurt!!!
I don’t have children, but played a large role in raising my sisters and their kids. I can’t imagine the pain you experience completely. I am glad you are here sharing and caring.
I am trying to have no contact… it is horrible. I am totally reclusive and he doesn’t stop… I thought a month was long. I realized what he was after a year and eight months during that month. Last month.. May. Now I know. HE came and gave me a heart felt apology sunday… games came back. I am replying to emails and texts… sometimes… I love him. I want him sexually really bad.. I don’t know that I will want someone else like I want him. I am scared that I am damaged…I am 37 years old. And I have been with drunk and jerks. NEVER like this. I adored him.
Terae, by contacting these people after accepting they are disordered and harmful to our well being, we become our own torturer. My advice would be to read everything you can on the subject of trauma bonding. Our brain structures actually change when we are in relationships with people who shock and disappoint us . Our sense of identity becomes eroded. The abuser takes on the false image of our saviour, our soulmate, the only one who can stop the pain. These are illusions caused by trauma bonds. They are not true. You must, you absolutely must commit to severing contact with the source of your current unhappiness – him. Your brain will not be able to ‘ rewire’ and work in ways which put you and your safety and health first until contact stops. Be strong. Let us know how you get on.
Terae, I know where you’ve been believe me. We all do. I’m not that much further ahead of you. Like Tea said research “Trauma Bonding” and “Cognitive Dissonance” That is the advice Tea gave me and once I knew that it was an altercation in my brain functioning as well as an addiction I was able to take steps to heal because I understood.
My ex did the SAME thing a couple weeks ago after I had made SO much progress. And I felt the SAME way…. but then I “bumped” into his new girlfriend and decided to tell her what the ba**ard was up to… felt liberating but at the same time we exchanged stories and I heard more lies that he told us both.
It quickly reminded me of the reason why we ended. You may not get that luxury of that revenge but let me be the one to tell you not to back track and start to believe he’s changed. He hasn’t. They never do. They are sociopaths and you know what they’re capable of. Stay strong. Remind yourself of why you left.
I keep telling myself that its my fault. I have told him I am done 20 different ways. And he keeps texting, he is on a love /its my fault cuz I talk to much kick…. I have a friend of mine moving into my house.. I have an entire upstairs that is empty. I met him through this wak job. They are not friends anymore. He doens’t know that he is moving in to rent the upstairs or that he and I even are friends. He was out of my life for a month! And in and out CONSTANTLY.. This friend (who I have no attraction to and he has a girl) mowed the lawn, and will help me do shit around here. And help me with bills so… I am sure when wak finds out… which he will. We live in the same general area. He is going to switch it up and start calling me a slut. ANd be angry. It may be his breaking point of leaving me alone. He will think I am sleeping with this guy and I never will. But I get scared of him. He scares me. I am not gonna screw a friend over for him. I have screwed over TOO MUCH for him. He doesn’t no any of my friends. He started keeping me away from his friends too now. Probably because they know what he does and they like me. This wak knows the chief of police in my city. THEY ARE FRIENDS. HE is a DRUG DEALER and a NARC for my city… Its unreal. I tried to see if he would change one last time. I did. HE can’t. I was going to tell him I ran into this guy and tell him I am letting him move in…. but not now.. Why should I.
First of all you need to change what you’re saying to yourself. You were emotionally abused and made to feel that you are the crazy one. Trust me I have done some CRAZY things for my ex including getting violent(I’ve never hurt a fly) I contacted and harassed his ex and the mother of his child because I was SO stressed out that this person that I loved thought I was lying, cheating, a slut etc….I soon learned that he was PROJECTING onto me what HE was doing!! Its all so classic!
DO NOT think that just because he finds this out that he will call you a slut and be done with it. They don’t work like that. Its all about CONTROL.
For example, about 3 months ago my ex HIT ME in front of his kid and this was when I called his ex and told him he’s nuts and to protect your child. After this point he turned it ALL around on me calling me crazy and dangerous to him and his family. I felt MORTIFIED and so frustrated that he AND his kids mom thought it was ME!!
2 months of no contact and me thinking “that’ll do it” I get an email at work with memories of his son he wanted me to have!!!!!! Then when I ignored it he got drunk and sent texts that he missed me etc. wanted sex (I learned later it was because he was rocky with his new girlfriend…)
The point is, is any NORMAL person would never contact someone they thought was dangerous to their family let alone send memories?????
Its CRAZY!! and thats how he’s thinking. My BIGGEST regret now that I am not trauma bonded to him anymore is that I didn’t totally block him from everything. He ended up trying to make me out a crazy fool again and I could have avoided all that…
It just gets WORSE and WORSE everytime you have contact!! I got BEAT UP!!
Serenity I remember your posts when he assaulted you. You sound so strong and resolved now, it’s wonderful. You’re a brave, resilient woman.
terae1218:
It sounds like you are in high panic mode right now. I have been there many times. You are not alone in your situation. You are describing a typical sociopath and the victim’s fear and trauma. I hope you will take the time to re-read the article and the very good comments written to you above. These people whom have written above are experts with no contact and have lived through exactly what you are working through.
I will say that your feelings of blame and shame you are throwing at yourself will be your enemy no matter what decisions you make. If you have contact, accept it, and move forward. That is what life is all about. Everyone makes decisions they regret. Everyone makes decisions that work for them best. Take it one minute at a time. It’s not your fault that someone pretended to be a safe and sound person and he is not. In this burst of feelings going on inside you, you may not realize that you probably have felt this way before about those other people that were wrong for you at some point. After the bloom goes away, I always forget how entranced I was by a loser. Then, when the next loser comes along, I can be just as entranced.
NOW, I have the Red Flags so I don’t fall for nonsense again. Now, I can read articles here. I can watch Donna’s videos. I can read Donna’s book. As Tea Light wrote, get yourself immersed in educating yourself about the real person you are dealing with. Not the super wonderful charmer you were shown during the first few weeks or months. Read until you can read no more. There is a great book called, “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person.”
If you dealt with a drunk once, you may know about Al-Anon meetings which are for you. Al-Anon helps people who get addicted to addictive people. It’s for you and the steps and concepts and meetings will help you take care of you. If you educate yourself, you will learn to be the love of your own life instead of the hate of someone else’s life.
Now, before you start reading everything you can get your eyes on about spaths, try this little exercise: Sit or lie down and get comfortable, and do the following:
1. Tracking. Notice all sensations in your own body. Be in your body. Notice your breathing. Is it shallow, deep, fast slow? Notice your heart rate. Notice if your muscles are tight or loose. Name all sensations you feel in your body.
2. Grounding. Pay attention to the support you have under your body. Notice, and settle, your body into the chair or bed. Notice they are holding you. Notice the ground under your feet if you are sitting in a chair. Notice how the furniture, pillows, Earth is supporting you as you settle into it. Take your time again noticing sensations. Any time you feel uncomfortable, shift your attention away to any part of your body that can relax or feel neutral or pleasant.
3. Resourcing. Think of an Internal or External Resource that makes you feel pleasant. Think of one good thing about you, your personality, your accomplishment, anything that is good inside you. OR think of anything outside of you that makes you feel pleasant. A place or a girlfriend where you feel supported, safe, and at peace. Stay with one of those resources. Think about the resource. How does it make you feel?
At this point, many people feel overwhelmed with anxiety. If you do, open your eyes and look at three objects in the room. Notice the details of each object. Notice the lighting in the room. Be in the moment as you look at the three objects and are paying attention to what the room looks like right now. Then, think of one of your internal or external resources again.
4. Shift and Stay. As you are sitting or lying down, every time a negative thought, feeling or sensation comes to you, Shift to a neutral or positive thought, feeling or sensation. Stay there. It can be something as small as your big toe is not tense and is neutral so focus on it. It can be something big as your breathing is more calm now, you are in the moment, you can feel pleasant about one thing in your life or inside yourself.
This is practicing what people above wrote about. Get back into yourself over and over again this way. Neutral is better than negative and if you practice these exercises, you can get to some sense of neutral.
As you work towards peace and healing, you will find that you are the most important person you will ever show love.
Take this from an old lady who has loved “to the ends of the Earth” all the wrong Earthlings.
Fight, great meditation tip. I also downloaded a few iphone apps that deal with self hypnosis that I listen to before bed. Ones that deal with self esteem, ending self sabotage, and mental detox. I definitely feel more clear in the head so perhaps its working lol.
Oh my gosh thank you so much… Yes its unbelievable the panic I have….
Terae – getting rid of these guys is like kicking an addiction. You need to go cold turkey and then take it one day at a time. The longer you stay away, the stronger you will become. Believe in yourself.
Donna is right. Once you educate yourself and realize IT WASN’T YOU! Things move really fast! I don’t even care that he and his ex and his “new victim” think Im the crazy one. If I have to lose a little face to a small % of this planet to GET AWAY FROM HIM then I’ll give that up. It’s worth it. When you break free of the addiction and gain your self esteem back the less and less you care about him.
I wrote an email to him that stated how I saw his friend/work aquantance and spoke to him about having to move out and told him he could stay here to avoid the backlash of him being a wak job and telling me that I LIED by not telling him when he was here for a couple days after his BIG apology Sunday. I havent sent the email. I was scared to tell him and I was sad about all the things he did. It is forthright and to the point and I feel compelled to do that since he was here SUnday MOnday Tues of this past week and I didn’t tell him to his face. And that is what he will cling to as well.. “if it’s innocent you would have been honest and told me!!” you are a slut.. ect ect.. If I just tell him like he said for me to always do. Tell him and he won’t get mad then i will feel better about the situation. I will know I did the RIGHT thing. I have been sticking to I am done when I have responded to him since Wed. I have not broke down and had him over or tell him I will see him and Iforgive him or anything. When I have responded it has been the same. You don’t change. You would have if you meant your apology.I am DONE. LEave me be… ect.. but this thing with my friend moving in here to help me out(which I need desperatly) is eating me alive because I met him through my ex… And he is gonna look at me like a total piece of shit for not telling him and that is not my normal MO….They don’t hang out or anything like that. They worked together before. He has been a friend to me and I don’t want to screw him over… because of this ex of mine.. He is a great friend to me. He knows all of this. He is the only person I really talk to about this. He knows what he is too.
Terae, up until about a month ago I really felt that he could be “convinced” or that if I said it the right way he would eventually empathize. I have BAWLED and broke down etc and he uses that against me to make me look crazy instead of what a loving caring person would do which is to HELP and CONSOLE. Like probably any of your friends would do!
Until you detach emotion and really truly believe that its not you its him and that he is unable to change or to feel…you will be running in circles in your mind. I am happy to say that I am FINALLY there and I’m out of the hamster wheel thinking he will change….my hamster wheel kept spinning faster and faster every time I tried. I had written documented PROOF that he wrote himself and he STILL said that I made it all up…
I know its hard until your at that place but take it from me….stop trying. You won’t win. Don’t tell him how sad you are. Think about terrible how you feel right now then imagine that feeling 10x worse….that’s what eventually happens and the hamster wheel breaks beyond what you could have imagined.
You will be in the place I am today eventually even though you may not think so. A place of:
I don’t care if he thinks I’m crazy
I know that nothing I say will ever make him understand
He will never say sorry
He will never care that he ruined my life for 4 years
And I don’t care that he doesn’t care.
I teach Autistic children and I relate them a lot to him. They have a mental disorder that cannot be changed only managed. I know that these children aren’t going to be able to function at a high level. But I’ve accepted that and need to TELL them what to do because they don’t know. Lucky for Autisitc children they have caregivers to TELL them how to socially behave. Sociopaths don’t. They behave inappropriately with no one sitting beside them every minute. So they run around like a chicken with their head cut off making decisions that don’t fit the social norm.
Hang in there. Don’t contact him. Try for today.
Serenity you are cooking on gas!! Fantastic advice. Terae, what serenity says sums up where we are aiming to be – he doesn’t care, and he’s never going to care, and we don’t care anymore that he doesn’t care.
These disordered people create havoc with your mind and body. You sound under enormous stress. Stress weakens us fast, and makes focusing on self protection very hard. You sound in fight or flight mode right now just as fight advised there are lots of great techniques to help you centre yourself but if this man is still centre stage in your mind creating havoc and panic meditation is not going to work, it would be like applying an elastoplast to a deep wound. You have to resolve – no more. It’s your home. It’s your business. If he wants to call you names that’s his business. You can’t stop him. But you can chose to see that as totally abusive unreasonable controlling behaviour and refuseto give him any more attention. You have a home, a good friend, you are on the path to recovery. You have a scientific mind – read all you can on trauma bonds and how this changes brain chemistry. Be tough and fight for your sanity and survival. Peace and love to you.
Thanks Tea, I am getting stronger. I’m not out of the woods yet. I still have daily thoughts and depend on this support group daily as well but I definitly notice the change. I’m lucky to have a huge suppotive group of friends that remind me daily of where I was and why not to look back.
Just being away from the addiction lessens the stress. I used to think “well I’d rather be stuck in this shitty relationship then be lonely” After that fear subsided I realize that I do feel lonely but I’m not “alone” And I’m enjoying my me time. I forced myself into a routine that I had to write out everyday just to get used to it. Now I LOVE getting up, sober, watching Live with Kelly and Michael and getting ready for work! There was a time where I was SO sad that I’d never work up in his comfy bed with his son jumping in in the morning…I love my own bed now.
Your eyes just start to open to everything!! Opportunities appear because you’re open to it. I feel like a new born. I’m still fraglie and need care and support and love, but I feel like everything about my life is renewing.
Could you offer me some advice? The old school that we both worked at(he still works there I took a transfer this year) is having their graduation ceremony in a few weeks and I’ve been invited by many of my old students to watch them accept their diplomas and take pictures. He will be there for sure and its a small school so we will definitely run into each other.
Should I go? I don’t want that idiot to ruin one more thing in my life and I’d love to see my students that I’ve taught from the 8th grade walk the stage. Is it worth it? I have a feeling that he may badmouth me to my former friends and collouges saying I’m “stalking” him ORhe will try and talk to me…any thoughts? if I do go how do I handle him approaching me. Do I completly disregard him if he approaches me even to say hello? What would you do?
Thanks a ton
Serenity it sounds important to you that you see your students graduate, understandably! And that you would be there without any reservation if he were not there. So the thing to weigh up is, to what extent will seeing him jeopardize your recovery, and if you decide you want to go , how can you take steps to minimize any harm to yourself? The advice Donna and many authors here have given is that, if some contact is unavoidable, adopt an attitude of total emotional detachment. To not “feed” the abuser’s craving for attention, and this includes negative attention such as us being hostile or angry. Give nothing. A trick to help with this is to visualise the abuser as something utterly dull and uninteresting, a pot plant or a ” grey rock”. Being able to pull this off would not be possible for me, as any contact with my abuser triggers panic in me and I shake, cry etc. But if you feel able to ” grey rock” him, and would be able to leave easily if you feel distressed by his presence, then you may feel empowered by sharing your students acheivement with them.
Thanks that good advice. I have been catching myself thinking about that day I will see him and how good I have to look to show him I’m living well….that’s probably not healthy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks….I’ts not until the 28th of June so I hae some time to think.
Only go for your students. If you care what his opinion of your appearance is, if you are emotionally invested in his reactions to you at all, I’d say it’s too soon, and not advisable. Is there any opportunity to say goodbye to the students without him being around? Could you call in to the school to say hi without him knowing? Be safe, that’s the number one priority.
You’re right. I’m now thinking of just emailing all of the students and saying that I’d like to be there but can’t… thanks you cleared my head:)
Bring a “body guard”! It sounds silly and over the top but if you can find a large, strong person to come with you as a friend they will not threaten you. A strong minded girl friend will do the trick but a big burly man would be better!
I have been wanting to share this podcast but have been worried because there is a lot of swearing in it…but it talks about the whole idea of “faking it til you make it” and getting out of a depression. I have been trying this technique and its been working for me. It talks about kicking your own butt!!
I am not a very spiritual person and have found that a lot of books I read are very “feelings and sappy and trust in the universe etc” i don’t judge people at all for that approach, but having a science background and very analytical, I’m looking for more of a fact base realistic approach. I’ve listened to this about 10 times and it really relates to my personality. Warning that there is some swearing but its actually funny and I cried the first few times I listened to it because it really related to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdNSkzT6UHE
I am the same way… I am not spiritual at all. I am a science mind.;)
Me, too. I consider myself a Humanist and think most religions have been ruined by sociopaths amongst us. I know the sun is going to come up and go down. I trust the cycles of the universe and its predictability 99.9% of the time. I love nature and being around colorful flowers and green trees and water all create a sense of calm for me.
I couldn’t take that link, serenity2012. I didn’t mind the cussing, but when he called a woman a name for whining too much about her problems, I had to stop listening. I am open to try anything that might help me. But, I found that link too loud and angry for my sensibilities. Thank you for sharing it, though. I’m glad it helped you and it might help someone else.
Sorry Fight if I offended you…. it worked for me because I’ve been an athlete all my life and have coached so that kind of “get off your but” military reality style tough love is something that has always worked for me and I am used to it. My friends were too “walking on eggshells” with me for so long and its not what I needed. I needed a harsh kick in the pants.
But I fully understand how it could offend… I apologize.
Hi Serenity: You didn’t offend me. I really am open to any links or articles anyone thinks could be helpful. The video/audio you posted might help some people, so it’s cool with me. I just felt like posting a little about the content that made it difficult for me to keep listening so anyone with my sensitivities would know it might not help them.
I love the link….!!!!!
serenity12: The self-hypnosis sounds interesting. Your posts are very hopeful and you have helped me today. Thank you.
Thanks fight, when I first started writing on here in November I was in total shock and just a walking emotional nightmare lol. For months I was in SUCH need of support and I had NOTHING to offer back. I was desperate for help and this support group has got me through many bad days.
Now that I have progressed I feel like I can slowly start to give back. I don’t use this sight as much anymore for emotional support as my 100% need (although I do still need the support) But I would read through others posts who were so helpful to me and I remember thinking “will I ever be in a place that I can be the one listening to others posts and giving advice?” Before I would post for help and only read responses….now I am starting to read comments and looking for similar stories to share my recovery and how I’m getting there.
I can easily see this web site as a place to revisit through many years for feed back, support, encouragement, and hope. I am going to check out the podcast you posted later. The weather today is too beautiful and I am going out to my garden area. I am with you as far as religion. I find comfort in nature. I love looking at my flowers and trees and the sound of water in my little fountain. And I love star gazing. I am looking so forward to the Perseid Meteor Shower in a couple of months. Thank you for being here. When people get better and come back and share, it brings hope.
We’re moving from victim to survivor, serenity, all by helping one another. You’re doing so well. Enjoy your beautiful garden fight4. Sleep well kids.
It totally brings hope….everyone knows that time heals all but tend to forget it in the middle of a crisis. But it truly does. Especially if there’s no contact!! it HAS to get better if the stress is removed from your life.
Lol I live in a townhouse so I have 2 plants on my balcony…that my mother has to call me to remind me to water!! I do want a fountain though out there!
Also I actually watch a lot of space documentaries because it reminds me of how small we really are and its not worth it in our little tiny place here to worry about one effed up individual!!
Have a great weekend!!
Thank you! Fountains are wonderful. You can get free standing or a table top one for your balcony. Mine is the kind that has a big square plastic container buried underground and three bamboo looking things coming up that each spill water into the other and it’s covered in rocks. It blocks noise and it sounds so pleasant. I love going out at night when everything is quiet and just listening to the water. You’ll have to put on your calendar to add water to your fountain every couple of days, though, or the water evaporates and ruins the pump. You also have to put a little bleach in it every few days to keep it from getting algae. I hope you get one. You won’t believe the peace it can bring you.
You know maybe ill go to good old Canadian Tire and pick one up!! (Not sure where you’re from but that’s our biggest Canadian chain “home depot” type store) lol. Often I fall asleep to rain sounds on my phone or the natural sounds of the frogs in the marsh beside my house lol…it’s a crazy jungle up here in the great white north!
I’m in a small suburb in the upper South in America. Not where I want to be as I’m not from here. But, it is very green here with lots of rain right now that the flowers and trees are loving. I haven’t heard the tree frogs yet this year, but the slugs are happy! We have quite a few stores around here (including HD) where we can get fountains. The tabletop ones are at a lot of department stores and garden stores. I hope you get one!
I just think it’s so great how we can connect and support each other from all over the world!