When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Hi All.
Very new to this, very new to the meaning of sociopath as well but I think I have just broken up with one. He is also the father of my baby boy. I was too scared to break up with him for so long, fearing what he would do to our little baby. Other times i think I must be the mad one, thinking like this…of course he loves his child etc… Trying to establish No Contact is hard as he wants to be in the baby’s life (at the moment). Any tips on how to SLOWLY get a spath out of our lives?? He is acting as if nothing has changed. He just doesn’t live with us anymore but comes and goes as he pleases and now he doent have to tell me where he is going/what he is up to.
Twinkletoes, I was in your shoes when I first broke up with my exspath. I knew something about the last 4 years wasn’t right, normal, nor healthy but I couldn’t define it. The more I read on here and educated myself I didn’t just “think” he was a sociopath I KNEW he was one. And he was a severe one… I am in the recovery stage and I have finally started to really let go but when I read on here sometimes I get sad because I didn’t realize how dangerous and sick my ex was….I was lucky to get out when I did and I don’t have any children with him.
It sounds like you are in a good and healthy place of recognizing who he is and taking pro active steps to get him out of your life. I was going back and forth with my ex for months after we split and it got worse and worse every time we tried so sticking with no contact is essential!!
Although I don’t have children, my ex and the mother of his child split when their son was 2 years old…we were together for almost a year and a half and he was telling me that he was just “roommates” with his baby momma and was free to see other people….that was not true. He was lying to us both. So I do have a bit of experience witnissing how my ex behaved toward his ex…
I think most people on here will tell you that since you do have to have contact for the child that you should remain as emotionless as possible. Don’t be nice to him(he will read into that and try and take advantage) nor be angry and pissed at him (he will be happy that you are miserable) Remain neutral and calm and blank.
As for your child: In my experience my ex was trying to stay in his child’s life as a way to remain in control of his ex. He did the same to her, came and went as he pleased. I believe he did love his son and was trying to do the right thing but how he dealt with her and myself was where his sociopathic qualities surfaced.
I read an email between her and him and since she was living in their house after she kicked him out, he would still come in barge into her bedroom use the bathroom and act like noting had changed(just like you said) although he had been lying and cheating on her he assumed things are back to normal…
My suggestion is to establish a parenting routine with the baby ASAP. Get a court order and a parenting agreement on when he can visit, take the baby, etc. If your son is a baby I’m sure the court will recognize that he needs to be with his mother full time. Don’t allow him to come and go. He will eventually get bored of the routine and give up hopefully.
But discuss nothing about the baby that doesn’t involve direct care. My ex would always share photos, achievements etc with his baby mama as a way to stay connected to her and remain in control. She would get sucked back in and then let down over and over…
Anyway, hope that helps a bit like I said I don’t have kids so I don’t know how it feels to have to share a child with one. But they all follow the same patterns. Keep reading and I bet you find many things take the words right out of your mouth!!
Happy days
Great advice here from serenity twinkletoes, if you check the ‘ sociopaths and family’ section and ‘ coparenting with a sociopath’ you’ll find many articles that will offer more insight and advice for you
Hi Twinkletoes: I am so glad you found this site. It will be very helpful to you. Great suggestions and sharing from serenity and Tea Light. Go to the “About” link at the top of the page and search through the “Archives.” You will find so many articles that will give you strength. I completely agree with the idea that you might think about getting something about co-parenting written legally and to the court so he has legal boundaries. I would definitely change the locks on my home and keep the doors locked at all times so he at least has to knock. But, I would get a legal statement in place first. If he uses the child as a pawn, read those parenting articles here and consider seeking both counseling with a therapist who works with victims of sociopaths as well as legal representation.
FOR SURE stress destroys you!! 400 bottles of wine later with an alcohol dependancy and 20 pounds heavier is what stress did to me!! I am working hard to kick both!
True Serenity. Medical researchers are finding out more and more that our brains on stress can kill us just as any other physical disease of any organ can. Coping mechanisms work well when we need them. It sounds like you don’t need them any more. Kudos to you!
I recognize now how much of a trigger he was. A. there is now nothing in my life as stressful as he was and B.When I do undergo stress at work etc I go for a RUN!!
I’m not there 100% but I’m getting there…. trying not to be hard on myself:)
twinkletoes,
You’ve received such good advice from serenity,Tea Light and fight;there’s really nothing for me to add except that I want to congratulate you for having the courage to recognize the situation and removing yourself and your child from the situation NOW instead of after many attempts of trying to repair a “no-fixer”!
Twinkletoes, I had a thought on one of your comments that he is acting like nothing has changed. When I was dating my pseudo-wife and we would have an argument, the next time we would talk it was like it had never happened. She was her usual thrilled to be alive and by my side, supremely confident that this little bump we had just experienced was nothing. Really from the beginning I didn’t really see us together but it was as if she willed it along. It was very much like her with enough confidence for the both of us silently saying – You’ll see. And she was right. Before long I was on board with both feet, enjoying the ride. Ok back to my main point. At first I thought her acting like yesterday’s fight never even happened was amazing, even spectacular. She would just say it’s done, it’s in the past. And it was. I had never seen anything like it. I thought this must be what truly forgiving looks like. Now I know the truth. Years of experience have proven her to be not highly evolved ethically and morally, but the polar opposite. It is an act. She never, ever takes accountability for anything. Closely linked to this is her massive sense of entitlement . I have come to see it’s a highly deceptive mechanism to overcompensate for her character flaws. Sadly this is only a small tip of the iceberg you are seeing. If you saw the movie the Matrix, in the scene where Neo is offered the choice of the red or blue pill, that is how I equate your situation. The reality you are just beginning to conceptualize is epic in scope and you may want to deny it. Most of us here are just a bit more experienced on the journey. This is a good place for you to begin. Be safe.
4Light, I agree with you about entitlement. Mine used sex as a weapon and there were times where I was like “Shouldn’t he be super mad at me?” For example one evening after we had broken up and seeing other people for a couple months we went for dinner and ended up spending the evening together. As we were sleeping un knowingly he went through my phone to see if I was “dating other people” In the morning he woke me up to have sex again(me still thinking things are fine) and THEN he decided to BLOW up with jealousy about me dating other people(which we agreed on) then proceeded to call me a slut, dangerous etc….when the entire time I found out HE had a full out girlfriend that he was cheating on(with me)
So sick!! It makes me ill writing it… SO entitled!!
That “acting as if nothing happened” after they have created an upset is covered very well in “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. It is part of their “mind control” techniques. It was very helpful to me to read her books because I never understood the acting like nothing happened nor when they withdraw for hours, days, weeks, without any normal conversation or contact, and it is very abusive even though no one is saying a bad word….later.
You are all amazing and thank you for your responses serenity12, Tea Light, fightforwhatsright, blossom4th and 4Light2shine. Great support. Every resonse rings true and reminds of an occasion in my recent life with ex spath. He comes to my house to see baby and on Sat morning came into thr bathroom while I was showering and thought I was being ridiculous asking him to leave. I have caught him on chat rooms on his mobile while in my house. The best is…last night I received an out of the blue message saying “thank you for being a beautiful person and mother”. Gross. (which I ignore btw). Then this morning I get a sob story about no money and no job (nearly 3 months unemployed) and his (start up) “business” isn’t going too well, wont have money for our investment property mortgage and babys food etc etc. Then today offering to have baby and help considerably this week….then sending gorgeous pics of baby!
Until now he has been distant, rude and arrogant!! xx
Twinkletoes , your post is full of clarity. You see very clearly your ex partner’s manipulations, how transparent and self serving they are, howhe stoops to manipulating your love for your child with these photos to secure what he wants- money, mainly, by the sound of it. Your clear mindedness and awareness of his character gives you a great advantage. It’s only when we are in the fog ( of détail, exhaustion, ignorance if they are very accomplished at maintaining their mask) that their bag of tricks can work on us. How dare he walk in on you in the bathroom. Enforce boundaries without negotiation twinkle. Be self protective and look after baby. Get him as far away as is possible.
Hi Tea Light:
I agree. That shower thing gave me some bad chills. Hope you are feeling decent today.
Thanks fightsie, I’ve been taken off my citalopram AD med and prescribed a new one, mirtazapine which *allegedly* does not cause the awful lethargy of citalopram but I’m skeptical. I want to be AD meds free ideally in 6months but right now my anxiety levels are high since the call from the abuser 10 days ago. No contact since I have his known numbers blocked for calls and texts and do not look at any filtered emails. But am anxious there will be more stalking at the end of this month when his wife and child fly to her country he claims permanently. My greatest fear is that he’ll fly here. I live alone, ground floor apartment. But the police know he’s stalked me since November. I hope it’s just my hypervigilance and nothing will happen. It feels like a sentence for something you didn’t do some days. But hey, we soldier on. How are you fightsie? Is The Lodger being a good boy?
Tea Light,
The mirtazapine sounds familiar;think I may have taken it at some point.Believe me,I understand wanting to be able to go off AD meds,but if that’s what it takes to live in this society,then so be it!
Hi Lightie! It’s fightsie. The codger lodger is being a good boy. I have only talked to him on the phone once today when he was going to take a nap. Nice, quiet time for me usually. He’s called me again and I have been busy, but will call him later as it will be time for me to take out our trash. Still no word of when his surgery is and he is not doing such a good job of keeping on top of it. I keep suggesting how he can stay on top of it and he does some of it and not all of it.
Keep us posted at the end of the month and share. You will feel better if you share your fear that he will come there. It sounds like you will still be anxious from the buildup of fear either way. I hope the new meds are more effective.
Remember when I cut my finger six weeks ago? Well, it is not healing right. It is still swollen and crooked and I can only bend it about 30%, so now I am going to probably have some appointments. Soooo, I am about to reach a point where I will have to make it understood that I will be having my own appointments and he needs to get a surgery date set by calling both the surgeon and the VA every day or he may be taking a bus. Other than his usual sense of entitlement that I will rearrange my situations around his, he is doing much better. I am lucky that he never was the stalker type. He is more the ignoring for days at a time and he is doing you a favor to speak to you type. But, not any more because I don’t consider it much of a favor to spend time with him anymore.
I know what you mean about trying to get off of medication and then here comes the spath to create stress. I hope he has found another victim and will leave you alone. Just call the police without a word if you see him out the peep hole. Don’t even give him a warning. Just back away and call the police. It will be better if he doesn’t see or hear you at all.
Being the opposite of how I’ve been in the past is my goal. I’ve found with mine that telling him I don’t have enough money all of the time helps a lot. He doesn’t even dream of borrowing any more. I am so poor and never shut up about it. I’m not rich, but I have enough, and he will never get his hands on it.
I’m having a bit of a bad couple days and didn’t sleep last night re-living some old memories and re-calling some of the crazy things I did and the crazy way I felt. I feel shame and guilt. I truly don’t care that he thinks I’m crazy, or his kids mom, or his new GF that he talked into thinking it was all my fault.
But I do care that I didn’t leave earlier. I’m mad at myself and am having trouble forgiving myself. Is this part of a stage? I absolutely have no plan on contacting him ever again and I have completely let go of him and have mourned the loss but now I’m trying to sort out my own emotions….its tough!!
I mean I did in fact DO some crazy things! I confronted the mother of his child many times then still went back to him, I hacked into his email and filtered it to my own, I bawled and cried on the floor…I was OBSESSED with showing him and his kids mother that I was normal and a good person. And instead I came out looking crazy. I was in love and bonded with their child and I felt useless and used.
And that I had to continually prove who I am.
What do I do in this stage? Did anyone else go through this after you have accepted the fact that they were a sociopath and abusive and a manipulator….but now feeling shame?
All I know is that I don’t feel crazy now. I don’t cry and scream on the floor. But I’m up at night wondering how I could do that…. Its been haunting me the past few nights. Thanks
Serenity,
This was the hardest part for me too. I was so angry, disappointed, and humiliated by my own behavior I could hardly stand to be in my own company. I felt deep shame and humiliation.
This is where forgiveness comes in. For YOURSELF. You were PUSHED to your MAXIMUM ability to cope. This is what sociopaths do to our physical and emotional lives. Our bodies go into complete stress overload, and our hormones and neurotransmitters go completely bonkers. We REACT more often than thoughtfully respond, and find ourselves in total panic. This often results in our doing things we would never, in a healthy relationship (even during the rough patches), find ourselves doing.
Now you are left with your guilt, but also with HIS shame. The shame he refuses to feel. The ‘slime’ he leaves behind.
Of COURSE all of us did things in these entanglements that we are not proud of. I have done lots of things in my life I am not proud of. But I NEVER felt the level of shame and humiliation that I felt after being with a person who would NOT take a single responsibility.
When the other person is willing to take some responsibility for their part in a situation, and we can discuss this with them, then we are not left ‘holding the bag’ (In this case a bag of shame and blame, that does not belong to us). Then we are more able to identify what really belongs to us, and to work through our feelings about it, and learn from our experience…
It is more difficult to do this when the total blame and shame is projected onto us.
It is important for all of us in this phase of our healing to do things that, though perhaps not initially, will aid the return of our physiology to balance. This includes talking with trusted others, touch (can just be hugs from friends), maybe massage, some kind of exercise, maybe a pet. All this can reset our bodies to begin to quiet down our fight or flight ‘juices’, and promote the return of balance. Because much of what we experience at this phase is because our bodies are still pumping out stress hormones, which dampen our feel good neurotransmitters.
It takes time to reset our bodies. It is a matter of continuing to do what is good for us, remembering this is temporary, maintaining no contact (which will perpetuate the imbalance), and in some sense riding the waves of our feelings (really hard to do).
Take good care of your heart. Go EASY on yourself. You did not create the chaos and horror….likely everything you did was an attempt to make sense of it and fix what seemed wrong.
Slim
Thanks for this Slim. You really nailed how I’m feeling. When you said you didn’t like being in your own company is exactly how I feel. I hate myself and my self esteem is low. I am really trying to take care of myself. Right now I’m trying the “fake it til you make it” strategy. Forcing myself to work out, meditate, etc and just go easy on myself just like you said.
You’re right about the hormones and the stress etc…I know that I am not crazy because I do feel calmer now for sure and don’t react like that in front of friends family, but I surely don’t feel balanced yet….
Thanks again this really helped me today.
Hi Serenity: I would recommend finding out about PTSD and Depression after trauma and abuse. The shame and guilt are there for almost everyone going through, and especially after, abuse. You might see if your local domestic violence office offers counseling. Many of these organizations recognize emotional and verbal abuse now.
I have been on the floor, bed, chair screaming and crying with the terror, anger, shame and pain. It is a release and, in my opinion, better than numbing or dissociation. It is scary and I have felt crazy for that as well as teeth chattering which I also do. I then read books by DR. Peter Levine and he described all of what I was doing as normal trauma release.
You will be going through the stages of grief – back and forth – at your personal pace. You are reacting normally to an abnormal, traumatic experience. Not crazy. Normal and wounded.
Hi Fight, thanks. I am thinking more about PTSD counselling. And I am going to take a look at that author.
I do believe we all go through this Serenity!! One of the fundamental needs that people have is the need to be heard and validated. One of the hallmarks of a relationship with a disordered person is that you are never truly heard or validated in the demean or discard stages. That is why we struggle and escalate our own behaviors to feel some sense of the security we so desperately crave. Imagine if you will someone arbitrarily pushing you off a cliff…you contort yourself in very unflattering ways just to be able to not SPLAT at the end. You were trying not to go Splat. You were coping unnaturally to severely unnatural circumstances. Perfectly human thing to do.
Your journey to health and healing is what will define you.
See where you are broken from your fall, mend the body and the soul, and concentrate on doing the next right thing.
That I believe is our journey…..to become better than what we were before our fall. To recognize disorder and then stay far away from the edge of that cliff!!! My hope is that we all learn to hear our own good and normal personhood and validate ourselves so when we see crazy we stay away. Wishing you sweet slumber tonight Serenity!!!
Thanks Imara, I was thinking about this on the drive to work today…about being a better person coming out of this. becoming stronger. The problem is is that I don’t feel strong and empowered. Just humiliated in myself…like I said I’m not humiliated in front of my ex or his entourage I truly don’t care… but I’m just having trouble believing I’ll be stronger.
Your strength lies in the fact that you even survived your fall!!!! You are already strong. You’ve had to be.
Empowering yourself is learning to do the next right thing day after day!!! That is the journey…
My dad used to say that the ONLY reason someone should be embarrassed is if they lied, cheated, and hurt other people. Don’t think you have too many reasons to be embarrassed!!! You did what you needed to do then. Now hold your head up high and tell yourself you are a force for what is true and right. That is empowering in very real ways. I’m doing the same….(trying to…)
The thing is is that I can’t say to myself “I’m proud I got out” because it wasn’t me that got out…he eventually booted me because he was done with me. I was so trauma bonded and wouldn’t let go and BEG for him to hold on(screaming and crying on the bed/floor etc) So he was the one that that eventually had enough and preceded to tell everyone I was nuts(which also excused his cheating he said) as well as stonewalling me. He ignored me for about 3 months and I was getting better, starting to be happy again…then an email at work out of the blue saying he missed me wanted to go for dinner blah blah…that was 2 weeks ago and even though I had the courage and got the chance to say NO and tell his current GF what he’s been doing(sent her the emails) I still feel shitty…
Serenity, please go easy on yourself here. The fact that the abuser came back waving his ” I miss you” bait tells us he discarded you purely for the power rush of seeing you in shock and distraught. It had nothing to do with him having had * feelings* for you once and then realising his * feelings* had changed. He is disordered and unhealthy. His discarding you was abuse. He wanted to see you suffer, it gave him a rush. The distain, the name calling, it was all an act. He doesn’t really think you are crazy. He just wants others to think anyone but him is crazy. It’s a game to the sociopath and the narcissist Serenity. Toying with people’s real feelings, which they do not have themselves. Everyone here forgives you for crying and begging him ok?! Now forgive yourself. You are doing great.
Serenity: Re-read the kind words you are seeing here. They are the reality. We have all acted nuts in dealing with sociopaths. It comes with the territory of trying to get human emotion out of a feral being.
If you can’t say something good to yourself right now, just do something active. Clap your hands, walk around to music for a couple of minutes, stretch, anything to get you back into your physical body. Then, say out loud, “I’m OK.” Say, “I’m OK” a hundred times a day if you have to. The only way to remove what a spath has put into our brain is to put something else in it. “I’m OK” is a great way to start. “I am OK right now.”