When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Tea Light,
HeHee! I like that last sentence!It’s been a looong time since I felt like a rocket….but I do stay on the launch pad,lol!
Lol Blossom I’m curled up on the launch pad this morning with the alarm on snooze. I may require a loan of your battery cart to make it to town for groceries. I was googling for info about my new AD med and came across a site for people who are afraid of vomiting and vomit – emetophobes. Imagine?! At least we don’t have emetophobia. Lol.
Tea,
Yuck! I betcha I did qualify as having that when I was a kid! My dad used to tease my mom & I about running to the couch and laying still so we wouldn’t vomit! Guess I grew up,lol! These days I do what makes me feel best!
Do the grocery stores in your area have battery carts? Until my pain got so bad,I held off using them,opting instead for the shopping cart.It seemed quicker to get through the store;I was already standing and could easily reach for items on shelves.I also got needed exercise! If your dizziness is really bad,it might be safer and the best idea to give someone your shopping list!!! 🙂 The dizziness should wear off within a week of starting the med.
Another great old article. My challenge is not HOW to initiate NC, but when and with whom. There is a guy in my life right now who triggers me to no end, but he also makes me happy and contributes to my dancing career in many ways. Going NC with him would mean the end of doing salsa, because he goes to every venue and takes every class. Plus I’d miss all the joy I get from him. So I just take the pain rather than going NC. I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing. I figure as long as I can process the pain and get to the other side of it, I consider him more as a muse or a catalyst than as someone who’s really bad for me. But I wonder sometimes….. I sometimes feel like I’m dancing with the devil so to speak, or playing with fire with this man. Fortunately, I haven’t gotten close enough to the fire to get really burned (we have not been intimate). But salsa is very dangerous – it stirs up a lot of energy that I sometimes don’t know how to handle. I see myself as pursuing this hobby to a very great degree, getting all I can get out of it, maybe even a new career, and then switching gears. I would like to be able to say, “Yes, I mastered that one.” And then move on to something else. Maybe even a career where I can write about it – a career as a writer. But in sticking with the theme of this article, I will say that if this man were not intimately intertwined with my favorite hobby, I’d probably would have initiated NC a long time ago. For me, things are often not in black and white but in many shades of gray. Maybe it’s a Libra thing. 🙂
Stargazer, I was very much like you when I first met my spath as well. We worked together so we were in each others company by essentially no choice. You are essentially saying that because this is your hobby that its a “well were here together anyway” type situation. That’s how I felt about my exspath and work. AND he had just had a baby with his long time girlfriend so I figured innocent flirting at work, with maybe a “friendly colleague” drink after work here and there was ok.
I always had my intuition SCREAMING at me even before we became intimate. I KNEW he was bad news and I said the SAME thing as you “I’m playing with fire and dancing with the devil” I too thought I could control it… I ignored my intuition.
Four years later, suffering through their split as a result of our affair, raising his child for him, taking care of him, nurturing them, the jealousy from him, the depression I had, the dependency on alcohol, the rage I developed, proving to this man I was 100% loyal to him and our “family” the eventual discarding process which turned me MAD, violent as well as him assaulting me in front of his child, and now recovering from PTSD and Stockholm syndrome, with a 20 pound weight gain and many sleepless nights…
If only I would have trusted my gut and believed my first impression of him which was 100% right!! I knew it back then, I knew it throughout our relationship, and I know it now.
So do you. Listen to yourself.
Great information Serenity as you have been through something similar and are telling what the end of the “fantasy” looks like. Trusting intuition is great advice.
Stargazer: From one Libra to another, you could be right about the need for drama. I have found that the possibly dangerous sociopaths (at least from my intuition) that I never slept with eventually gave up when I repeatedly said no (not unless I am certain of exclusivity which never happens with a yo-yoing sociopath or narcissist) and as their lives unfolded, it ended up being better for me to control my lust and let them go.
I became extremely emotionally close and intimate with one man in a highly unusual, dramatic trauma situation who who even told me he had to have me, told me he broke up with his girlfriend, called me incessantly, and followed me around to places I was going…even when I asked him not to be there towards the end. We were close for a very long time through a very strange situation. The kind of “war” like situation where in the movies, they are thrown together and have a love like no other…blah…blah…blah. FANTASY….NOT REALITY. He was all about the chase. He was all about stealing me from my boyfriend. He was all about a lot of things….except me as a human being in an exclusive, normal, safe, situation.
My not sleeping with him made me feel a lot better after he let me down emotionally. He went through many women after me and killed himself last year. THAT would have been very bad for my psyche. Even after several years, when I heard about it, it still took me many weeks to process it. The fantasy can be much bigger and always lasts longer than the reality with these types of people.
At this time, I do have a financial attachment and “for old time’s sake” attachment to a sociopath lodger next to my property. However, I am learning how to draw boundaries with him and his lies and broken promises. Sociopaths are not capable of real intimacy. They are only capable of sex and a drive to get anything they want. Never a truly deep, exclusive, intimate and loving relationship. If you just want sex and you know yourself to be the kind of person who can have sex with zero attachment, you might survive it. But, that really is not in the Libra spirit.
Lust is not love. Angst is not love. Drama is not love. Maybe the big test for you will be if you can pursue your dream and stay away from his “fire” which will burn out quickly, believe me. It will only leave you flat out on the dance floor with a charred heart. Take care of yourself and try to enjoy the fantasy without finding out the dreadful reality.
You already know what he is in reality. And you have read here how that reality ends. Physical and mental breakdown which would ruin your dancing. Pretend he is a movie star you don’t know. A nice fantasy, but not reality.
Stargazer,
The above posts hold alot of good advice.If you still insist on dancing with him because dancing is your hobby~but making sure it doesn’t go beyond dancing~you’ll have to be TRULY DETERMINED and on CONSTANT ALERT.
Dance convincingly,like actors in a movie who can’t stand each other…but you’d never know it!
In my experience there are two very powerful activities that seem to offer a sense of intimacy between the people engaged in them…one is teaching a skill to someone, and the other is dancing. In both cases the intimacy is derived from the ACT of working toward a mutual goal, and then of course the exhilaration or the anticipation of exhilaration once the activity or the dance is accomplished. That kind of intimacy is fleeting and transient. I am a dancer too…love to Salsa, but because my ex did not dance I always danced with my boundaries very intact!!! People I dance with are never under the illusion that I am open to a romantic relationship. Guard your heart Stargazer!!! Be true to yourself…if you are seeing red please stop.
If you choose to play with fire you might get burned.
Blossom, the way you describe the dancing while on constant alert does not sound like fun. My motto is, “If it’s not fun, I’m done.” So I have decided to implement full-on NC when our Thursday class is over at the end of the month. I think I’m strong enough to do this. It’s not because he’s a sociopath; it’s because I’m tired of constantly getting hurt and the ongoing mixed messages from a man who doesn’t know what he wants. I’m tired of having my feelings toyed with, whether it’s intentional or not. I’ve paid for the Thursday class through the end of the month, and I’m committed to finishing it out. After that, I will find a different venue for dancing on Thursdays. And at the Sunday venue, I’ll just ignore him. It will be like cutting off my left arm (and I’m left-handed) but I think it’s finally necessary. It’s been going on long enough with no resolution. I think waiting a year for someone is long enough.
Stargazer,
I’m relieved to hear of your decision,because I know that intimacy can burn to the point to where no matter what you do,you’ll get burnt.I’d really hate to see that happen to you!
It sounds like you’re already being mildly burnt.Now’s the time to get away!
You sound like a fun person;one who can bring alot to a relationship~~you deserve the same thing!
Imara, I just read your comment; you are right. This guy and I have been romantic from day 1, so I don’t know how to be any different with him. He puts it out there and I respond. It’s not just the dancing; it’s his energy and the way I feel in his presence. We’ve gone out outside of the dance clubs, and the attraction is very strong and obviously mutual, along with a close friendship that has developed. I don’t get that with other dancers. If we were on the same page, it would be great. But he’s way too damaged from his last divorce and is not anywhere near ready to get seriously involved with anyone. I think he hasn’t tried to bed me because he respects me too much and doesn’t want to ruin what we have. But he does date other women, and that is the part that hurts me deeply. Time to cut my losses finally and move on. I just don’t think I can even dance with him anymore. It’s very sad. But I deserve the whole enchilada. I will not settle for a romantic friendship, which is all he wants with me. Usually I have to fight the guys off of me. I am beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, and a great dancer. I have the whole package and would be a great catch for someone like him. He even refers to me as “pink skirt” to others. “Pink skirt” is the most desirable woman in the room – the one that all men aspire to dance with. But if he doesn’t want me as a lover, it’s just time to move on. It doesn’t matter the reason. I can’t fix him.
Stargazer, you DO deserve the whole package deal!! Most of all reciprocal kindness and caring as well as giving!!!!
Stargazer, Unless you just want to be chased by someone in angst staring longingly at you with puppy dog eyes, have sex with him, and then get dumped, get far away. I love the motto, “If It’s not fun, I’m done.” The reporter I am taking about also acted as if he had “too much respect for me” because he knew he could lose his job if I wasn’t up for just sex and good bye. He was have sex with other women, but kept stringing me along, until I finally had an older guy friend recommend that I ask him point blank what he was doing and why he was doing it. Did he want a long term relationship with me or did he just want to fool around? I finally did it after a LONG time and many ups and downs and a lot of BS. He said, “I have been having sex with other people and I think you want more than I do.” I got up and left, went to my car, drove down the street, cried, and realized that I had risked everything thinking he wanted what I wanted because that is what he led me to believe in vague ways, longing glances, carefully placed words, inundating with phone calls and suggestive emails, etc.
He had originally told me when I became his “source” on a big story, that he would go to the end of the Earth to protect me. After he met me and there was an intense attraction, he made it clear in every way possible. He promised me that if I ever got fired for whistleblowing, HE personally would write a story about it which would cause a public uproar. Instead when I wrote him and told him I had been fired because of what I had done (for which he won numerous awards and a promotion), he wrote back a weak,”I’m sorry to hear of your firing. Are you taking care of yourself? Good luck.” Evil.
If the man had been “in love” with me and had acted upon the deep “caring” and “desire” he said he had as a normal person (not a spath), he would have been dating me, not others. If I had had sex with him, he would have dumped me within a couple of months. That is what he did with the others. He was in the middle of breaking up someone else’s marriage while chasing me. I didn’t find that out until a long time later. Once the chase, and the ruination of other people’s families, the thrill is gone for them.
Is there a salsa class in the next city over? Or is there a salsa club in the next city over where he might not be trolling? One day, you will be very happy you did not sleep with this man. You will be one of the few who he couldn’t con. Take it from those of us posting here who have been through it. Men who are interested, ask you out and court you and they take their time and their stories check out. Men who can’t get over a terrible divorce, don’t date other women while playing with you back and forth.
There is a book I haven’t read called, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I haven’t read the book, but I’ve seen the movie. I highly recommend either or both. I saw his behaviors everywhere in the movie and I was so glad that I did not have sex with someone who wanted to ruin my career, did ruin my relationship at the time (which was with another spath, so not a big loss, but still caused me a lot of problems when I was in the middle of a nightmare already), ruined his own long term relationship because I gave him so much confidence, he found out he could screw around with just about anyone….except me. Men who like me, are not going to be dating other women. Those are the cold, hard facts. I wish I had requested a female reporter the minute he crossed the line with me. He would still be lowest man on the totem pole at work, the story that needed to get out would have gotten out, and a woman would have gotten a promotion.
Hang in there and stick with that motto. It is a great one!
Stargazer,
I was thinking your motto,”If it’s not fun,I’m done” might me helpful to any who have made the break/or entertaining thoughts of doing so,with sociopaths. So many are ‘stuck’ on their memories of lovebombing that when the trauma bonding happens,their brains need something else to work on….to be able to skip over that broken chip in the record!