When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Ladies and Gents…By golly I got it!!!
Thank You guys…”if its not fun I’m done” works for me!!!! I will definitely use that and will share that little wisdom as far and as wide as I can!!!
Wow, FFRW, there are some similarities. I am doing a few salsa activities that he is not likely to go to, but he does tend to show up at a lot of them, even in the neighboring town. The worst part is that I signed up for a salsa cruise in November, then found out he is going. So I need to be completely over him by then. The other thing is that I’m sharing a room with my travel mate from my recent Costa Rica trip. She and I have been friends since the first day of salsa class. But now she teaches with him, so I have to tell her not to discuss him. It’s pretty a incestuous culture, but I don’t want to give up my friendship with her completely at this point. Funny, he was all over me in the Thursday class (which I’m quitting at the end of the month to get away from him). It was actually disgusting to me because I know he is using me for the attention – or whatever it is he gets from me. We had a heart-to-heart a few weeks ago where he told me he “really really really really likes me.” And he “loves my smile. And I am his very favorite dance partner” And “my smile makes him happy.” And he loves being around me” blah blah blah BUT…………he is not interested in getting involved with anyone. Then I found out he’s seeing someone anyway – a non-dancer. So he can keep his dancing and salsa flirting separate from his dating. Ugh. Makes me sick. I had to drag it out of him. He told me that she accused him of giving her mixed messages. “REALLY????” I said. “What a big surprise”. He seems to lead a lot of women on. God knows how many there are. I think it will really upset him when I go NC with him. But it will not change his behaviors.
“If it’s not fun, I’m done” came from my early days in salsa when it stopped being fun and started getting too technical. Salsa dancers often forget the reason why we’re there – to have fun social dancing. The techniques are so important, but it’s easy to get too focused on doing it right. But it also applies to dance partners and romantic interests, imaginary relationships, etc.
I wanted to add that this guy is not a sociopath, and I’m not quick to label him as anything at this point. I just don’t want the pain anymore. We all (in his circle of friends) knew he was getting over a bad divorce and using salsa to get his needs met. But we all thought he was not sleeping with anyone. We thought he was a perfect gentleman. I will actually have more respect for him if he comes away from his weekend (this weekend) with some girl he’s dating and announces he has a girlfriend. At least everyone in the salsa scene will know his status and can protect themselves. But it’s unlikely. He’s not anywhere near ready to settle down. And I’m very glad I never even kissed him. But if he had made a move on me, I probably couldn’t have resisted. I don’t know why he didn’t. It’s not for lack of attraction. It doesn’t matter anymore. I gave him a YEAR to come around. A YEAR. Ugh. I’m disgusted with myself. If I’d known earlier that he is dating a bunch of other women, I would have backed off. I don’t know when he finds the time – he is out dancing almost every night, and he always shows up and leaves alone. It was not apparent, and he is very private about his life outside of dancing.
I was so glad to realize I was on the right track in dealing with such a person, of whom I had no label at the time. However, I’m angry all of the time because I am unable to get away fast enough. I’ve been a homemaker and recently got a job and back in school to increase my earning potential. I must be able to position myself to leave and never look back. But, it’s taking too long & living with this person is hindering me living at all. I do work No Contact as much as reasonably possibly while living with them. But, the anger is draining me.
Scotlandmoves – Welcome to Lovefraud. It is so difficult when you’re still stuck in the same environment as the person you’re trying to leave. It sounds like you’re working on what we call “emotional no contact” – not getting involved emotionally, even when you have to have contact. We have many articles on Lovefraud that may help you cope.
I am looking forward to reading those articles. I try to stay away from the house as much as possible. Working not only provides my own income but it’s an environment rich in positivity without anyone knowing what I’m going through. I am looking for a part time job on weekends. Yes, it’s going to kill me to be away from my kids working seven days, but I have to. And, I don’t want to end up in a small poorly maintained apartment with my children, although (since he now knows I know what he is) he has virtually let our home fall apart. I have family helping me increase my income and find a place as well. I’m glad to know, for sure, that I’m not crazy.
Hello All,
Just read this one post and this could be my story! almost the entire thing is what I went through. The wanting him back “whatever” he did. Trying so hard to please but sick with worry and fear that he was having another affair. Frantic ….panic attacks….checking his emails, texts, phone calls…his friends would cover for him,lie for him. All the time he was screwing around on me. I need to keep reading and build my self esteem and respect myself to never do this again. I wonder what ever happened to “lesson learned”. Did she ever move on? Did she stay strong? I hope she did.
lesson learned says:
December 13, 2010 at 7:44 pm
This has hit a nerve with me like nothing else. I’ve visited other sites about N’s and P’s but this is BY FAR the most comprehensive.
I have broken NC over and over and over and over and over and over again. If he did not initiate contact after a time, I DID, and it was RARE if he did. RARE. I’m on day ONE again right now (sent an email today, but refused to see him and have not for over a week now, despite his begging until a new girl stepped in that I already suspected existed). I really need to vent this. I really do. I”ve been reading and reading and reading on this site for days now. I am in so much pain. SO MUCH pain and a lot of it IS MY OWN DOING!!! The one thing that I keep asking myself is “WHY? WHY THE HELL DO I WANT HIM? WHY DO I WANT TO GO BACK AFTER ALL THE LIES AND WHAT HE”S DONE TO ME AND WHAT I”VE DONE TO OTHERS IN WANTING TO BELIEVE THOSE LIES!!” It is has been utterly frustrating.
He hooked me good with promises of a relationship, a true genuine relationship that never happened. The game card he played is that I would never be good enough for him, his status or anything else. I BELIEVED that so I tried harder and harder and harder and harder”..and I’m beginning to understand, REALLY SEE< that it's ME!!!!!!! I WANTED SO MUCH for him to love me. I would have done just about anything and I damn near did. I"m LEFT with absolute shame and guilt. ABSOLUTE and some of it RIGHTLY to own!!! It is now all of my fault, with ex wife and now new girlfriend. I would sent him HUNDREDS of texts and emails when he was LYING to me wanting for him JUST to tell me the truth”or literally BEGGING him to love me”I lost my morality, my judgment, my emotional/spiritual life, mired in confusion, grief and pain”..in the last year, I've been NC with him NUMEROUS times, the longest being three months. I INITIATED contact after the three months. Got involved, I begged him to stay in the relationship and not leave me”to give it a chance—it only led to MORE hurt, pain, humiliation, destruction and abuse. The last two times of NC, I went STRICTLY NC and I Meant it. I did NOT contact him. He contacted me. He knew I meant it. Prior to NC this last time, the last time I saw him, he pursued and pursued and pursued me”.and I REFUSED to reciprocate. I did'nt want too”.each time I spent time with him, I felt a STRONG sense of fear, anxiety and MORE FEAR about what would happen next, what he would do to me”..I could no longer stand it.
I credit going to school full time as one of the reasons for NOT giving into his demands to see me as often as he demanded that I see him. I just was so very very very tired and my schooling was a driving force—”..to find me. BUt it was and remains, a war against HIM—
He ran off with his high school sweetheart. She has money and he's in debt, newly divorced just a year and paying child support. He used me for sex, for the in between times. I'm sick with grief. This is OVER OVER OVER”..but I'm more sick about the part I played the absolute INTENSE fear that he will try to contact me again and PRAYING AND HOPING TO GOD that she will be enough to keep him away from me, although I did bother to warn her and leave it at that as she is somewhat well off, with her own business and I know how badly in debt he is. I also know some things he told me about how he would never "do a heavy woman" (His exes were all thin types), but then started to tell me recently that heavy women were what men wanted because they were good in bed. Red flag number twenty MILLION!! I knew what he was after, particularly with what business she is in. He's lookin to scam her. Incredible. I will not contact her again, but I just so strongly felt she should at least have a heads up, given her financial situatoin (BLESSED), rather than let this little dickhead SNOW her”..apparently, when it comes to being heavily in debt, versus having a trophy thin wife works just as well. Please understand that I don't distinguish about anyone whether they are heavy or not, but that VERY statement, frightened me FOR HER”.and she believes he is absolutely head over heels for her. It is so very sad. I know there is nothing I can do about it, and it is ultimately up to her, but it's not right and I COULD NOT LIVE WITH MYSELF IF I DID NOT WARN HER ABOUT HIS MOTIVES!!
It's time for me to really heal. It's time for me to get back up on the wagon and STAY there”.there are so many parts to this that I totally relate too. It feels VERY freeing to say that i had such difficulty getting free and it is wonderful that you're not bashed here for going back over and over again”.it is SO TRUE that addictions can take many times quitting before it takes, and for some it never does, but there IS apart of me that still believes in myself, a tiny part that with all the pain and shame and guilt, there is still something good. STILL”.I knew he was telling lies for a long time. I KNEW”.but I didn't want to believe. I completely and blatantly, overlooked it. I so just wanted him to love me. I so just wanted that. But I know that has to come from within. I'm very frightened of the future as well. How much of it do I have left at 47? I"ve never had a healthy relationship with a man in those entire 47 years and now i"m too tired to have one. I want to have one with myself”..but this pain is nearly unbearable, even when so obvious as to who he is”the little girl is left behind again”.and she is screaming to be loved”..UGH!!! and he knew that—”..he knew—and exploited that deep desire for all it's worth.
Thank you for this post and allowing me to vent.
To Sick@heart and Lesson learned, I feel your pain and it’s clear you’re beating yourselves up for being honest and kind and berating yourselves for allowing someone to hurt you. It’s not your fault. They have something dysfunctional in their personality and they are always going to be that way. They are parasitic and will drain your lifeblood if you let them. You both sound like you’re trapped in the cycle of addiction that comes with the sad realisation, that your ‘drug’ is ruining your life. What once promised you the world has turned out to be nothing more than a destructive force to your health and well-being. You can be ‘drug free’.
Don’t worry about your age or your looks or your wealth or your ability, you’ve been left to wonder if you’re enough in these areas no doubt and you are enough, you’re perfect. You are beautiful and loving and caring and any man would be proud to have you. Make them earn it! I sometimes think perhaps, we place too much emphasis on being in a state of romantic love, let’s face it we have it rammed down our throats in society every day, but loving yourself is far more important.
Can you forgive yourself for wasting so much time and energy on this man? Can you forgive yourself for wanting to be loved?
A friend once said to me, “you wouldn’t tolerate a friend lying to you so why would you take it from a partner, who is supposed to care for you above any other?”
How true. So when you realise he is lying to you then he is fake and all his empty promises are fake.
Words are free, its what he does that matters and when the two don’t match then you have to be strong and walk away.
Being in a relationship is supposed to make your life better, not worse.
Now according to the stats, there are more normal men out there than disordered ones and the odds are that you’re far more likely now to meet one. The ‘No contact’ rule should be watertight, no giving in after a few months, it’s the only way. He is only going to disappoint you again so why let him? You will love again and you start today by loving yourself. Try anything, mindfulness, giving your time to the poor, helping your friends and family and the love you get back will come in buckets.
Merry Christmas and peace to you all for 2014 xxx
Lesson Learned-
I hope you’re still reading because it sounds like you really need our reinforcement to help you stay strong and stop beating yourself up.
The addiction of romantic love is especially compelling. And that’s how you need to consider your feelings toward this man. He got your internal chemistry pumping, and you’re having a hard time shutting it down. Betrayal, acts of deceit, can generate even stronger addiction to a predator than the normal bonds established in a loving relationship. The deprivation of loving chemicals can make you feel an intense yearning and attachment.
Your interest in securing closure or redress by warning others who involve themselves with him, are unlikely to be well received. They, like you in the past, are fooled by him. The validation you seek is not something you will get from someone else he is in the process of fooling. They will come to grips with his issues in their own way, and in their own time.
Letting go means forgiving yourself for the attachments to him that you felt in the past. You were fooled because he fooled you. He is a con artist. It’s his stock and trade.
Write a note to yourself about what you know about this man and the betrayal you’ve experienced. The next time you feel weak, or the next time he contacts you, read it. In fact, read it over and over until the urge to connect with him passes. It will get easier with practice.
Sometimes, having a therapist to help work on separation with you can help immeasurably. Particularly if they understand the nature of sociopaths, they can give you a leg up in getting over the hurdles. He will not change. You must.
Wishing you the happy and healthy healing you deserve for 2014.
JmS
Dear Sick@heart,
Though our stories are not exactly the same, I too, have humiliated myself to chase men who obviously were not interested in me or wanted to use me for sex. It feels like crap and yet you can’t help the strong addiction. Deep down underneath the painful longing and constant compulsion is a very deep hurt about being betrayed, especially by yourself. (At least this is the case for me). Healing is often compared to the layers of an onion because that deep pain that needs to be felt usually has layers on top of it – longing, anger, frustration, rage, emptiness, and eventually deep pain of betrayal. In my experience, it is only once you feel that deepest layer of pain that the addiction starts to fade. It can happen if you stay the course of NO CONTACT and avoid medicating with food, alcohol, drugs, or other co-dependent relationships. For me, listening to music in a quiet place at a quiet time usually evokes the deep feelings. Exercise can also move the energy around in a constructive way. Swimming is especially good for moving energy up to the heart.
In the meantime, you may as well forgive yourself for doing all those self-destructive things. Tomorrow is another day, and you can start again. There is a reason for your addiction and you haven’t discovered it yet. You will not be able to understand it until you get to the layer of pain I mentioned and let yourself feel it. Don’t try to understand it intellectually until you can understand it deeply on an emotional level. Then it will all make sense. This is the part where you must rely on your good sense. Your good sense tells you to stay away from this man even though you are addicted to him. Listen to your good sense and stay the course. It may feel like you are going into a dark hole of emptiness, longing, and depression. This is all necessary to get to the pain that is underneath all of that. Consider yourself like a knight who is seeking the holy grail – the emotion that fuels your addiction. Look for it and allow for it to surface, and you can even feel a little excited that you know you will eventually find it if you keep seeking. This is the light at the end of the tunnel. But you must go through the tunnel to find it. Make the decision to heal and you will. And you can even feel hopeful about it.
For me, when I’m getting close to a deep layer of pain, I usually have an increased period of obsessing, and I gravitate toward compulsive eating and shopping. This is usually a sign to me that I’m dealing with an intense emotion. You can learn to look for these signs and ride out the waves of addiction so they don’t control you.
Take comfort in knowing you are not alone – so many of us go through/have been through this. I have found it’s a lifelong process re-acquainting myself with my true nature.
My warmest thoughts to you on your journey. I hope any of this was helpful to you.
Merry Christmas to everyone here. Today is my 180th day of no contact with my soon to be ex husband who cheated, lied, betrayed and eventually left. This is after 20 years of marriage.Divorce is always bad, divorcing a sociopath is the bottom off hell. He tries to manipulate, cheat and lie even in court proceedings. It’s unbelievable. I don’t know this person I was married to for 20 years. I was his wife, the mother of his child and I am not more than a piece of garbage now. I know that he never once lived me and that I never mattered to him. I am so over the emotional part now. Thanks to the no-contact he cannot “push my buttons” anymore. No more insults thrown at me, no more blaming and abusing me. It was so difficult to enforce the no contact . But believe me with each day it gets easier and after a few months you will see the reality. For me and my 19 year old son it was transitioning back to normalcy. I am so thankful for the mistress/co worker. Without her coming into his life I would still live in this evil world of his. Stay strong on the no contact. Soon you will be free and feel peaceful again. I know because I have been there 🙂
So many kind words as it was a very hard day for me yesterday. Why in the world would I even want to hear from him….and yet a part of me just wanted to see if he would wish me a Merry xmas. This would be the “drug” I was hoping for. A crumb to know that I mattered ….just a little. Sick….just sick that I was hoping to get some validation from the person who has made me feel so insignificant in his life. When I last spoke to him…I looked into his ice cold eyes and said ” It would not matter who was sitting in this chair, you are a cheater and a liar and always will be regardless of who is in front of you” I also said that ” This is the life you are offering me…..You are dead to me as of now” This was said with such hate in my heart for him as I just found out he had ” screwed another in his car” found all his texts to her. Today is another day that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Not to live in the past and not to look into the future as both are too painful right now. Just live in the “now” and deal with today. Day 30 for me and I will keep fighting this addiction. I will keep reading and learning on this site as I know I am not alone. Thank you all again and Merry Christmas.