When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
I know extricating yourself from a sociopath is not the same dating run-of-the-mill unavailable men who are just “not that into you.” But this describes the last few I’ve been attracted to. I still got addicted to the crumbs they’ve thrown and made excuses for them, keeping a door open just in case. Ugh. I started reading online all the signs that “he’s just not that into you.” It is really helping me stay strong with the latest guy who just took me on a cruise last month to the Bahamas, but still behaves as though he wants a booty call. Fortunately, he has never gotten a booty call from me. I was making excuses for him not calling me – his feelings are hurt, blah blah blah. Finally, I’m ready to just move on. This relationship stuff is not easy, especially as you get older. I have to really ask myself what I want. I was so tempted to go for the booty call because I have needs, and I have gone so long being celibate. But I’m old enough to know the consequences unfortunately. Sometimes I wish I were younger and could just jump into things like I used to. Some of those relationships that start with sex do stick and the guy actually does show interest. But I am unwilling to take my chances sleeping with guys who are not calling me for dates or going out of their way to show interest. In short, I want a guy to chase me a little. I cannot chase them, not even in my head.
Day 4 …No contact….my previous attempts were simply viewed as “silence”….emails from him would continue…He would say “I miss you…” “heart with you”….etc…..December 21 I had to see why my intuition was sooo strong …something was telling me he was on some dating site looking for another victim….I searched ….not on sites….I but I was sure….then some obscure site I found…and there he was! I think what was important for me to see…was how he advertised himself…the subtle lies…he said he was 6′ tall…really he is not…I wanted to say …” oh you grew since I saw you?”(he is 63 years old) I think he is on the shrinking side of life….he said he was a “christian” on his profile….oh this was good….he said,” I let my emotions express themselves with sensitivity, understanding and love.” ….wow ,I wonder what book he found that in!!!! I was thankful to find the truth of what he was doing…thankful that he might find someone else to fixate on and leave me alone….I had gotten an email from him saying how he was not doing well with my decision to “end us”, but could I send his shirt that was in my horse trailer….I did not want to answer…have not answered for awhile…he sent me a xmas present…an email wishing Merry Christmas….I stayed strong…so with this one I did not know what to say …did not respond….then I knew in my heart that he was on some dating site….I emailed him back a copy of his profile of the site …I said “let me go…NO Contact”….he said the best present he could give me for xmas was to “let me go”…YESSS!!!! …I must say the last several months were easy compare to this….there is such a strong battle going on…I had been sleeping fine…last night was terrible….All the thoughts came crashing in of all the negative stuff…red flags I should have listened to …My pastor had told me about the no contact…how they try 30 times and on 31 you respond …then they know you will break down….I can’t tell you all the times in the last 6 years…I have tried to “end”!!!!!
thanks to this site….I am seeing more and more….there is no one to ever share all that goes on….friends don’t get it…and don’t want to talk about it with you …family wants you to get away from him!!!…even though he is 1100 miles away…the hold on me is still strong…I need to stay strong in what I will and will not allow in my life…I want my mind …I don’t want to go crazy! getting clear from him I know will be hard …but healing will happen ….
Dear Grace,
Yes I know what you mean when you say “something was telling you” the behavior changes the pattern of cheating begins again and ” you just know” that your “gut” your ntuition is correct. Mine is 52 and still lives with his mother. I found him on dating sites…stating that he was “looking for a longterm relationship” but when I viewed his “private” post he stated he was looking for a threesome. Makes me sick…and to think I let him talk me back into his life. Just for him to cheat on me again. You are also correct that family and friends do not understand. They told me if I took him back again…that I deserved it. And with all my heart I know it was not said in malice…they were trying to WAKE ME UP..Believe me after this last cheat….I am wide awake. Stay strong.
Dear Sick@heart,
Each time you feel your strength and resolve waning, you need to reach out for the lifeline that is this site, and we will pull you out of the drink. The road ahead is hard, scary and painful. You will walk through fire and be burned all over again, but you can survive it. We all did. And as for being 47 and too old to start again – I was exactly that age when i finally walked away 3 yrs ago. Last month I turned 50. I am happy, healthy and never been happier or more at peace with my life than now. There are days when reminders of the past haunt me, but I can look at them from a more distant place now. I can even cry about them, then I put them away and it can be months before something brings it back. Hang in there – stay strong and reach for help when you need. We are all here for you.
To all of you who’s friends “don’t get it,”
They are not aware of the addiction that goes on in your brain chemistry from betrayal. Buy them a book.
I’m not just saying that because I wrote one and want your money. In fact, if you can’t afford it, let Donna know and I will send it to you free of charge. I wrote it to accomplish a couple of purposes, one of which is to impart the reality of relationship addiction to people who could be and should be supporting victims of relationship fraud.
Talking to us here on this site will help you understand what happened to you. Enlightening others in your life will provide you with the supports you need and want from the folks you encounter day after painful day.
There are actually two books I’ll recommend to help you enlighten others about relationship addiction. One is The Betrayal Bond by Dr. Carnes. The other is Carnal Abuse by Deceit, that’s mine. It’s available on Amazon.
Validation of friends and family is difficult to come by when they simply don’t understand. I suggest that you read and include a note to them when you pass the book along. It should say something like, this story is similar to what happened to me in this way………… Keep it simple and to the point. I believe you can open their eyes and help them help you get the emotional support you need.
I am serious about securing the book with no cost. If it is a problem for you, just let me know. It would be my honor to help you get help this Christmas.
I wish everyone here a speedy recovery and a life that is free of relationship pain.
Sincerely.
JmS
jm short,
I would be interested in that book, but right now im broke after the breakup, sounds like a good read.
You can leave me your email address and I’ll get your mailing address from you, or give that information to Donna and I’ll send you a copy.
JmS
those books look really helpful….I have read so many books trying to sort out what it is I have been in….at the beginning I read…”Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay”…I ended up continuing in the relationship…it got crazier….then I read “Verbally Abusive Men”….”Why does He do That?” Inside the mind of abusive men…by Lundy Bancroft…Then tried various marriage …communication books…(he would agree to do together… and then would never do them willingly)….went to counseling…but no one ever looked for a personality disorder and what I was dealing with…Lundy Bancroft does not recommend counseling together…exspath would always try to get me to go WITH him…I did once ….he worked counselor and twisted questions…never got called on it…and I paid for the session!!!! I read “Fool Proofing Your Life”….and many other materials…looking for help…trying to discern what I was in….I would see things that matched…but somehow did not want to believe it….there was the fun we had and the friendship…but anytime I would try to talk about things below the surface…he would get angry….evade questions…twist what I said…bully….say mean things….bring up stuff he felt I did or did not do….around and around till he wore you down….He recognized and said it was him…that he wanted to change…we called this other person that he was a different name …He would try to be the rescuer from this bad person…but it was Him!…How could he be both rescuer and perpetrator?
This site is the first to explain and help me to see……I needed a break from all the PTSD….and now I am ready to read from a different place…I have ended the madness…no contact….ready to heal….thank you ….
You think I should start with the “BETRAYAL BOND” ?
Here’s the difference-
“The Betrayal Bond” is written by a professional with significant research on how betrayal bonds work and how to end them. “Carnal Abuse by Deceit,” (CAD,) enables people to relate to how betrayal impacts a victim. But it also explains how it hooks victims into a “Betrayal Bond,” and why that “toxic glue” is so difficult to escape from. CAD is written from an experiential perspective. Dr.Carnes’ book is a comprehensive “how to” on recognizing and escaping.
If your goal is to understand and help those around you understand how you got sucked into this circumstance, I’d read mine first. If you already know, and are getting enlightened, compassionate support from your friends and family, skip mine and go to Dr. Carnes’.
If you can afford both, they would both serve you well.
I’ve read countless tales of heartache from lack of validation by family and friends of victims. I think CAD will be an eye opener, putting the pieces together so they can better relate to the devastation you feel. It is also very specific regarding steps they can take to help you.
JmS
Day 1 of no contact.
Today was the first time since this nightmare began… August 2013. I take that back. The abuser was in my life in 2006 and left me depressed, jobless and an emotional wreck after a “chance” meeting at a mutual friends birthday party. I knew he was married, but he claimed that the marriage was over. I fell for his charm, bad boy image and of course the attention and sex. After a 6 month relationship that ended suddenly when he disappeared without a word.
I was left alone and without any answers. Looking back, he fled when I started questioning and putting up a fight.
Early 2013, I was at a drugstore that I had never been before, pulled into the parking lot and guess who was there?
He pulled into the parking spot beside my car and claimed he was there filling his medication…we talked through the car window and he told me how sorry he was for leaving me without a word and all of the other things a sociopath would say.
I left confused, and shaking my head. I was terrified and glad to see him.
Shortly after that I realized that this man was stalking me. I saw him drive past my house numerous times for several weeks and then disappeared again, back to Florida where his wife and children were I assumed.
Then a few months later when I was on my first date with an amazing man I met after years of being alone I received a series of phone calls from a blocked number. The next day I listened to the messages and it was him.He got my # from a mutual friend. I could not believe it. This mutual friend had done some work at my home and knew that I had a new job and was doing well.A few weeks later,he called again, exactly when I was leaving for work and begged me to have dinner with him. I agreed. I wanted answers. I wanted to see him.
Dinner led to this abuser inserting himself again into my life after 7 years.
Quickly he was there, with me again with the same lies and nonsense that happened before. I was spending all of my time with him, and he was in love with me and missed me all of those years. I opened up to him, but never really trusted him. Months of insanity have gone by and one lie after another. Nothing made sense,but my trusting nature, home and good job were again on the line. I agreed that if he filed and got a divorce and a steady job that I would let him move in with me.
After I felt hit by a truck week after week, the lies and control were becoming more frequent. I knew it was wrong but I was hooked. I never trusted him completely and every time I questioned him we would get into an argument, have sex, make up and repeat, repeat.
I knew that there was something seriously wrong, but he loved me… many parts are left out of this post.
Day one,no contact.
I am here for support from other women who know how I feel. Family and friends dont understand.
One day at a time.
I will post more details as the days go by.
I gave this man the keys and free range of my home for months. I am terrified.
Hey Strong, I haven’t been on this site in about 10 months. You’re comment was sent to my inbox for some reason. It is strange because TODAY is ONE YEAR since I have had any contact with my exspath!! Before then I was on here and would KEEP maintaining contact and couldn’t understand HOW the no contact was going to make me feel better!! I wanted that satisfaction and instant gratification. One year later MAN have things changed for me!! I bought a new house, kicked ass at my job, got a promotion and a job offer in ROME ITALY!(which I took) and I am going to make 100,000K on the sale of my house in ONE YEAR!!
Sure…there are bad days. I’ve had set backs and checked his facebook and his new girlfriends facebook and I still REALLY want him to fail in whatever he’s doing in life. But the feelings are short lived. I am still battling with the weight I gained from stress and an alcohol dependancy but its under control and I’m getting there.
Good for you!! You can DO this!! Its fricken HARD but just remember this: Things can ONLY get better as soon as No contact is implemented. ONLY BETTER!! Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel I know!! And again I’m not 100% healed…. But I’m about 75%? And that’s better than 0% which is what happens EVERY time you reconnect with them
All of these wonderful things are popping up in my life because this LOSER is out of the way. Was he still in my headspace for a while….absolutely…. but without him physically there that head space HAS to get less and less. Please trust me. I remember my day one post of no contact…. I kept that promise to myself and look where I am now.
If you need help though stuff let me know. Some things that helped me:
1. Re-connect with every friend you have and get involved in their lives(the positive ones) I offered to babysit etc
2. Exercise DAILY or join a class
3. Watch Stand up comics on youtube
4. Buy a juicer
5. Go on vacation
6. Meditate(it really worked for me)
7. Self hypnosis before bed(there’s Apps)
8. Get a pet
Everything in the next year is all about YOU!! Stay strong you can DO IT!!
I literally broke into tears this morning when I saw comments to my post of day 1 , no contact.
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am going to need them in the upcoming days and weeks.
Joel Osteen is preaching about “trust your instincts” this morning. He is talking about sociopaths..imagine that.
Today is day 2 of no contact and because we had spent every minute of every weekend together, these are the hardest times. My daughter, luckily is coming over for a brunch and discuss her wedding plans.
She, along with my sister are 2 of the people who walked out of my life when they found out I was back with my abuser.
I actually blew off many weekends because he was here, following he around the house, doing all my chores so that I could relax before I go back to my work week. This man has not held down any time of regular employment since I have known him and began to put down my corporate job and my education saying that it’s just a piece of paper with my name on it.
After a fight a couple of weeks ago, when gosh forbid, I asked the abuser to come over later on Saturday morning because I needed some time to complete my taxes and go through my bills. This man talks nonstop about all of the jobs he has done here and there all of his wealthy friends but lives in a one room basement apartment with his 56 year old brother who has been married 5 times. Hence all the time spent at my house.
9:00am, I receive a text that he is on his way over because he wants to clean up my leaves. Mind you I didn’t give a crap about the leaves and told him so, about a thousand times. I wanted to get my financials in order so that I could enjoy the weekend.
Not only did he come over, he brought his friend with an electric leaf blower while I was on the computer trying to finish my taxes….he could not and still does not understand why I was upset. He asked me what was wrong, I started to tell him and as soon as I started talking he started gathering his things to leave. I told him if he was leaving to make sure he gathered everything because he was not coming back.
He took his Viagra prescription and flushed it down the toilet.
He later sent me a text telling me that if I wanted to see HIM, that I was going to have to come to his place….
Red flags and warning bells, along with good old fashioned woman’s intuition have been going off for months…..
Day 2. No contact. I have to stay strong.
Thank you for the great suggestions and words of encouragement from someone who has been (and still is)there.
I am celebrating along with you! I hope I can stay as strong as you.
Don’t forget that the spaths also remember these dates. Go get a mani/pedi today and buy yourself a new outfit for work, even if you do it online!
Hey serenity,
Day 3 of no contact. I am seriously itching to text him. I have not heard from him but that’s not unusual. I don’t even know why I want to contact him.
Help
Hey, so I know what your are feeling. You are wondering why he hasn’t contacted and its driving you bananas. the simple fact is that it would be easier if he was constantly texting and you were just shutting him down right? I get that. I get how frustrating it is and the cycle of thoughts going through your head. Is he ever going to text again? Is he even thinking about me? etc right? Well just remember its all a GAME. He ignroing you is part of the manipulation. He KNOWS its killing you and he is too narcissistic to give in.
You are going no contact to make yourself better. He is going no contact to make YOU miserable!! Don’t let him succeed. You can do it. It WILL get better. I know it seemed a couple days ago that you felt dedicated, strong and empowered….but like any addiction the CHEMICAL and PHYSICAL addiction to him takes over. But once that dependency is broken its smooooooth sailing. It usually takes about 30 days to break any habit. You have 26.5 more days to go. 3 down!!
He is bound to disappoint you if you text. Then you will just feel worse. Always keep the power and the ball in your court with these losers. I ended up exhausting every last resource to keep contact. Tried everything. Ended up getting assaulted and a restraining order threat and guess who ended up looking crazy?? I was forced into no contact because I hit a rock bottom trying to get answers. It wasn’t worth it. I had to walk away without my dignity. I don’t want that to happen to you. You’re in a great place to save your grace. It JUST simply gets worse. Hope that helps. Let me know how you’re doing later.
I’m sure your anxiety is at about a 10…but remember it HAS to come down and it WILL. Relax, take a bath, play a video game on your phone, watch a ridiculous movie… Get through the pain (like a contraction lol) and it will pass. And it may show up again (like a contraction) and then eventually the whole dang thing will fall out and you’ll be fine!! lol
Omg you so understand how I feel. Every word. I am at work and not being very productive. I’m so sorry what happened to you and I don’t want to go there. I’m definitely capable of it.
Thank you so much. I’ll write more later.
You are awesome.
The trying to get answers part. I did that before and I could have really gotten myself in big trouble. Honestly now I already have them but it’s still hard like an addiction. I know he is doing it because he knows how much I hate it but this is the longest I’ve ever gone
Day frickin 4!!!!! I am feeling good this morning. No contact. NOTHING!
Anxiety level is certain to shift throughout the day but thanks to serenity12 and all the others who have been talking me through this, I made it to the beginning of day 4.
This is why this site helped me. There are many people at different stages of healing. But the great thing is that it is all SO predictable what these spath’s will do based on all the stories. So I would listen to the advice as a way to look into the future. I trusted the people on here to make my decisions for me when I couldn’t think clearly. I am here now to do that for you. I have NO urge to contact my ex. NONE. And he humiliated me and made me look like I was a crazy psycho stalker and ended up blocking me from everything, slandering me etc. But as I look back now I see how RIDICULOUS it all was… And I only check up on him in hopes that he grew an extra ear on his fore head! There was a time that I wished he would contact me so I could shut him down and then I’d “win the relationship” but now I could care less.
Based on past behavior, he will most likely disappear again.
He is not getting the reacton that he loves, drama. He will seek it somewhere else.
I predict that he drops his divorce filing and move back in with the wife.
She put up with his behavior for 20 or so years. I’m sure she will take him back, again.
He’s probably on the phone or even on a plane right now sobbing himself back there.
Serenity, I know that going back there, to help me has probably brought up some stuff for you.
Thank you for being there for me.
You are an angel!
stronginthecity,
Way to go! One day at a time. After today, you are one day closer to being free. I think being terrified is your instinct kicking in….a frightening feeling but a must for dealing with a spath. You have to expect that ANYTHING is possible and they will do anything to stay in control.
Change your locks, have No contact and trust yourself. If your Spath is anything like mine, he is going to become very intense. Please have a safety plan. Donna provides advice on safety at the top of the page under the red tabs. Be careful to think things through and protect yourself in every area. You can make police reports without actually filing charges if need be. Stalking is against the law.
My best advise is to listen to the stories people share here and the advice Donna and the experts give. Please don’t allow yourself to think “He would never do that”. You don’t know him, but he does KNOW you.
I’m sending good thoughts your way as you break away. Hugs to you!
Thank you so much for the advice. A friend has offered to change the locks as I am sure he has been in my home while I was at work before.
I asked him about it and he became enraged and crazy.
I also noticed the other day that some checks are missing. I will have to deal with the ban tomorrow.
Today is day 2 and I feel sick to my stomach and am constantly looking out of the window as he has stalked me before, in many different vehicles which he bragged about while we were together.
I will continue to look to this blog for words of encouragement and offer any advice to anyone that things they may be involved with a man like this.
Thanks to you all and stay strong.
I am grateful for the advice and now know that my caring nurturing nature is a target for these predators.
I will not change who I am, but I will be on guard when men come on so quickly, claiming to be everything I need.