When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
Dear Superkid,
Donna is 110% right! You can’t fix what is broken….move on. Stay here and read and learn about dysfunctional/toxic people. Doesn’t matter what the word is, the action is the same, not being able to bond with others in a mutually caring relationship.
One sided relationships are hell.
Hi Hopeful,
Day 2 here we come! LOL
I thought some might like to read this. I get daily messages from greatday.com
I start each day reading them, as they arrive around 4 am. It helps set the tone for the day.
Live life now
+++++++++++++++++++
The joy and fulfillment you seek, are here now for you to
experience. If you are not fully present in this moment,
when will you ever be?
Don’t waste another minute by waiting for conditions to
improve. The opportunity to live the best day of your life
is here and now.
Embrace this moment just as it is, and taste its richness.
Step confidently forward just as you are, and fully live
life now.
Obsessing over what could have been or what should have been
won’t bring you any value. Following your positive purpose
in this moment is what will create value.
You are now free from all the limitations you had imposed on
yourself in the past. You can now see your best
possibilities and act to fulfill them.
There is so much richness right here and now. Open yourself
to the beautiful experience that is yours to fulfill.
This is 1000% true. When I found out that my guy Ray (who I thought would NEVER cheat on me) was involved with a pornographic site and took pictures of himself in my home and was meeting these women – I threw him out. I told his friends what he did to me and they honestly did not seem interested or expected anything different. Seems they were holding a secret – he cheated on his wife and this was the way he was. I met him 2 months shy of his divorce. He kept calling me, putting flowers on my car, letters, etc. and I unfortunately caved in. I said I wanted to go to couples counseling – he went – but HE LIED THE WHOLE TIME. He said he did not have a pc at his house – he was using the one in my home or going to the public library – LIE LIE LIE. I am not sure if the counselor picked up on this – but he twisted it that I was the crazy one. I was paranoid. I did not believe him – so off we went into what I thought was our relationship. He lied – he still was involved with horrible women on the internet and lied that he was single. Now he is on Plenty of Fish – looking for a new one – LADIES STAY AWAY FROM RAY – AGE 56 – PLAINFIELD, NJ – LIAR, CHEAT, ONLY OUT FOR HIMSELF.
Superkid, when I was trying to figure out what was going on in my relationship with my terrible ex, I did a lot of reading about personality disorders. And he had actually told me that an old girlfriend had told him that he had “sociopathic tendencies,” though he didn’t take that seriously.
It actually helped me, in the early stages when I was trying to understand the problem, to “diagnose” him as a sociopath. It gave me some distance from his behavior.
But these days, years later, I am less inclined to “name” people anything. As you have observed with your boyfriend, people get stuck in certain life strategies. This was certainly true for my ex, and the only time I ever saw him being even close to authentic was when he was stoned on anti-anxiety pills he cadged from his previous girlfriend (who developed a crippling anxiety disorder during their relationship which endured long after they broke up). The rest of the time, he was emotionally closed, untrusting, defensive and always seeking the top-dog position in the relationship.
What does this make him? It makes him a bad partner, especially for someone, like me, who imagined that enough love and generosity would convince him to loosen up and have a little trust. At first, it just felt like a challenge to me to convince him that I was a good person and he could relax and enjoy what we had between us. Later, it became really hurtful, because no matter what I did, it was clear that he was more involved with his own dark view of the world (and me) than he was with me.
And I think that’s what you’re up against here. This guy’s primary relationship is with his own pain, and until he sorts that out, he’ll always be emotionally unavailable. Charming maybe when he wants to be. Because it’s more comfortable for him to have someone caring for him. But unable to really give back what you’re giving to him. Because his emotional energy is being consumed by internal dramas.
Which boils down to the same thing Donna and Oxy told you. You have a lot to give. Don’t waste it on someone who’s too obsessed with his own unhealed traumas to even see who you really are. This is a bad deal for you. You’d be better off alone until you develop a relationship with someone who appreciates you, and can return to you what you’re giving and what you need.
Kathy
This is a great aticle! Give them NO chance, None…I know that with my ex, he hung on to anything, even when I said “No.”, it was an opening and I learned a lot of this the hard way.
Those who have been through this know that this is also how they beat you down. 30 phone calls a day is going to get on anyone’s nerves and changing your phone number constantly is a hassle and I know I got fed up with this. I’m constantly changing numbers, he’s constantly getting them and the whole thing starts up again. I finally said, NO MORE. I’m not answering calls and I’m not answering even one phone call to tell him not to call.
NO CONTACT.
Best gift we can give ourself.
For a while my egg donor went along with my sons C and D and I in NC with my P-son, but he kept on writing her and in reading his letters he went through every emotional string he could pull, every emotional button from guilt to anger to pity, he was spinning like a piece of pork on a spit….trying to find ANY way to get a reaction.
Of course, egg donor eventually caved in and started writing to him, so he is NOW BACK IN CONTROL OF HER, but it was very interesting to me to read those letters and to know how DESPERATE he was to find some way to HOOK her or us.
NO CONTACT is us taking back power over ourselves and THE DO NOT LIKE IT. If nothing else, they want to be the one to DISCARD us, not the other way around.
The serial killer Ted Bundy was discarded by a woman he dated that he thought was “upper class” and he hated it, he even managed to get her to go back with him, and as soon as she did, BINGO! He discarded her!
That is important to the psychopath, to be the one to control it, or to be the one that does the discarding. Or to keep us on the hook as “friends” just in case they need supply sometime in the future and we will be waiting there.
NC is the best gift we can give ourselves. It is RESPECT FOR OURSELVES from ourselves. Money can’t buy a gift that wonderful.
I have way too many SPs in my life- mother, sister, stepbrother, ex husband.. I knew what to watch for for many years when my husband’s best friend brought over his new gf, (now wife), and she started asking questions, but never once told of her self. Interesting how they start their hunt for prey by searching for weakness, painful moments to play on, and other ways to get into our lives/minds/hearts. She started out trying really hard to be my best buddy, but a lot of that was spent trying to learn about her then BF, (now husband). (I don’t use DH, because now they loathe each other, but for some reason won’t divorce…wonder why?) I figured she was fishing for info so she could play on him until he was convinced she was “the One”. I was dead on correct. She was living with him, pregnant, and owning two cars in less than two years – gleefully on bed rest and telling everyone how much money she was spending on his credit cards since all she had to do was shop online all day. wonderful. (ugh).
Well, I’m the only one who made an attempt to stay perfectly clear of her. There were a few times I had no choice but to be in her company- my husband is my best friend, and I would do anything for him. He was in a big event in town, and naturally she and her now husband showed up. She played a game with him using me- and that was that. I made sure that even as much as I love my husband, I would NEVER be in her eye sight, ear shot, or even anywhere near her web access again. I have both she and her husband blocked from my social site page. (If she asked, which she never has, the answer is I keep it just for blood relatives.)
Because I am off her radar, I watched our friends have terrible things happen to them- stolen money, expensive items disappear, jobs gone, relationships end, etc- all due to her games. Only one other of us has managed to hide far enough away that she doesn’t bother. There’s ALWAYS a chance she will decide “Oh haven’t screwed with them in a bit..” and just play it on us again- but I don’t leave her much opportunity.
It’s true, I’ve had to let my husband go off with his best friend doing things I really wish I could take part in. His best friend is also the son of his boss, so if he doesn’t do things, there’s too much of a red flag, and again, she would play that. There are three other friends who have been fired because they didn’t show up to something (so she could target them for some game), and she managed to convince her father-in-law that there were unsavory issues with these men. They got fired. She won again. I won’t put my husband in that situation, he loves his job, and has had it long before she was on the scene. I’m usually working or traveling anyway, so that’s an easy excuse for him. Or I can say the kids are sick..kids always get sick, right? Easy excuses are the best ones.
I need to stay off the radar. too much is at stake.
OMG I read everyone of these comments! I’m still talking to the P almost 4 years later! He still lives in my little town where he moved to be with me 9 years ago. He’s from California and all his girlfriends are there but he stays here! He says “I stayed here where you are didn’t I”. He hasn’t lived with me for 4 years but still calls frequently. He’s retired (got fired) but has a full time job talking to women on the phone and visiting porn sites. He’s freakin’ handsome, charming, passionate…. always. I absolutely believe in what you’re saying about NC!!!! I needed to read this. I do have a question, however. I still have some of his “stuff” stored in my garage because he doesn’t have room for it (true). My counselor friend says to give it to someone and get rid of every memory there. If he hasn’t picked it up in four years it’s mine. He thinks he’s going to get it one of these days. What do you think I should do with it????
Thanks to all of you so much for your wise comments!
Dear Katy,
I had a similar question about some stuff I allowed some “friends” to store in a building I owned….and gave them notice after notice after notice that they should move the stuff before X date (part of the roof had been blown off and it was raining inside it) didn’t hear from them didn’t hear from them, finally after 9 months I just went down, got what I wanted out of it, and let the rest rot…. many months later they notified me by e mail that they “couldn’t get hold of me” because they had “lost my phone number” (well,l DUH, what was e mail? wasn’t that “getting hold of me?”) and they wanted ME to move it for them. I said, “No, I notified you that the roof was partly off, if you want it go get it, but I am NOT moving it for you”
They came and got some of it, but you know they left the bulk of it, so molded it requires a respirator to go inside the building or you become VERY ill from the black mold. I am going to have to wait until it is safe to burn it and get fire department to help, and then spend money to have what is left buried with a bull dozer, when if they had removed their stuff I could have salvaged several thousand dollars worth of lumber etc. out of the building.
You know…what are you, the FREE STORAGE COMPANY?
Send him a CERTIFIED LETTER (that he has to sign for) telling him he has 90 days to get the stuff or you will dispose of it. (or whatever the legal requirement is in your area?)
Remember, NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED WHERE PSYCHOPATHS ARE CONCERNED.
NO CONTACT. NONE, NADA, ZERO, ZIP!!!