When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
I love how supportive everyone is on here and it still makes me sick and anxious when i read everyones stories as I can relate to parts of them all. Well done to those trying to implement no contact – it is so hard to start but really does get easier, you will get stronger.
I’m interested to hear about what relationship everyone has with their ex-in laws? Are they as crazy as the SP?
When mine disappeared without a trace, his parents feigned that they had no idea where he was. He was sitting right there in their living room.
Although they knew he paid nothing for child support, they didn’t lift a finger, and never asked if my son needed anything.
The apple does not fall far from the tree!
Joyce+
My recommendation is to change your numbers, email addresses etc… I changed my mobile #. 15 days of no contact. If that doesn’t work threaten to go to the police if your “Sociopath” won’t stay away. If they are involved in any criminal activity more than likey he will stay away. I threatened that with mine & it worked. He wants nothing to do with the police.
Goodluck!
StronginTheCity
It is hard to sever ties with a sociopath. Who wants to believe someone is that evil? I sure didn’t. I WANTED to be wrong. I WANTED there to be an explanation, a therapy, a pill. But… I wasn’t. People try to tell you, oh they didn’t mean the evil stuff. That’s true for NORMAL people. But NORMAL people don’t do the kind of mean stuff that a sociopath does.
Here’s an example: I hope it works. I put in the link.
http://news.yahoo.com/woman-admits-tossing-dog-traffic-over-dispute-192752590.html
It’s a story of a woman who breaks into her neighbor’s house, grabs her little dog, and takes it outside with the neighbor following her, begging her to not do it… and throws the defenseless little dog into traffic where it is killed, while the dog’s owner looks on.
No NORMAL angry person could do that. But a sociopath can.
The reason I attached the link is the photos of the criminal (she confessed, and her throwing the little dog into traffic was witnessed by a patrol officer). She looks so sad and pitiful in her photos. If you didn’t know what she did, as witnessed by a cop, you wouldn’t believe the accusation.
But she did. That’s what she is.
The same with my ex husband. Strangers would NEVER believe someone (as he would say, “with my honest face”) would do what I accused him of.
If you have determined that someone does the things that a sociopath does, to stay firm in no contact, at those lonely moments when they are being so sweet and wanting you, stay firm… REMEMBER the photos of this woman, so sweet faced, yet caught by a cop throwing a little dog into rushing traffic, knowing it will be killed, all while the dog’s owner is begging her to stop, please don’t do this to my little dog. No matter how they look, it’s what they do, and are capable of doing… that you MUST remember.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe…thanks for attaching this article. I don’t think she looks sad and pitiful. If you really look at her, she looks arrogant. Just my opinion, but I think in one of the pictures she looks like, “Who, me?…you think I did what?”
You have the eyes of an experienced person. I think she is doing what her attorney said, look down and don’t make any expression. (I’ve seen the same look on Amanda Knox face.)
I’ve seen it on my ex-husband face. When someone confronted him, he made NO expression. He didn’t get angry, or show emotion. But he had a personal unspoken standard: NEVER question his version. If anyone did, he had NO expression, but he was extremely vindictive, it might be years, but he never forgot, and he enjoyed setting people up for a fall. He would be very inventive how he did it. People thought he was their friend, they had forgotten the time that they disagreed with him. But he didn’t.
I am an experienced person now. Not sure if that is good or bad. It’s good to have the knowledge now, but bad how we got the knowledge. My ex spath used to do the same thing as your ex husband. Pretty much emotionless. He was pretty calm actually. Calm and cool.
omg. my ex would claim to be “calm, cool, and collected”
He heard the phrase on tv. Actually, He copied a lot of tv sitcom scripts.
I swear they are all basically the same. And he was an alcoholic, but a very high functioning one who also had a very high tolerance to alcohol since he drank so much. So he never changed when he was drinking. He needed a very large quantity of alcohol to change at all. The only thing I did notice is it would damper his anxiety and his hypersexuality. I hope you are doing OK.
Heartbrokenmom1
I am so sorry to read of your heartbreak and share your pain. I have a child who is similar. All her years of growing up, I asked for help, told therapists, teachers, etc that she would do these odd behaviors and I thought they must mean something. She didn’t kill animals but she was good at setting people up, the lying, the stealing, the vandalism, the ordering people around, the superiority.
All the books say that problems with a child go back mostly to how they were attached to mother. So, rather than getting help, I just got blamed, told it was because of my mothering skills. Even the definition of attachments is based on how the child attaches to mother.
My child grew up and committed fraud (she called it, her “business”, as in a type of MLM business), she set people up to go to jail for HER, she wants money but is frivolous with it to the point of practically throwing it away.
But, people say I have a problem that I won’t let bygones be, that maybe she had some issues growing up, that those were growing pains. But I tell you, I would be afraid of her spending the night in my house, afraid that she’d harm me, and set me up for blame. Those people ENABLE her, they reward her bad behavior. They can’t believe someone so beautiful and sweet would do as I have cried about. The problem, they say, is me.
She is wonderful, except for when she isn’t. She is smart enough to know what she does is illegal and covers herself by getting a patsy, but, she thinks herself above all the rules that us little people live by, because we are too stupid, and she is not.
I’ve gotten used to saying to others who chastise me for cutting her out of my world, “I want to be wrong, but I’m not.” or “I wish she wasn’t that way, but she is.”
NO help when I was raising her, and now I reap all the blame if anything goes wrong. I do understand your heartbreak. All too much.
NWHSOM,
My heart breaks for those of you with psychopathic children, or are parenting with a psychopath/ex. The ongoing contact, blame, harrassment, and abuse is extremely hard for me to fathom.
It goes without saying that my heart goes out to you in terms of the blame you have to ‘bear’ (in other people’s minds) for the failure of your childs genetics/choices. It makes me sad. People are so clueless and hurtful when they don’t understand something.
These disordered individuals can create such, nearly, perfect facades that people who don’t face 1st hand abuse from them simply cannot fathom what the person is actually like. They cannot get beyond the act, to the substance.
How could that happy, smiling, funny, confident, over bearing, but self-deprecating man be capable of theft, fraud, rape, sexual abuse, and infidelity? Well, just like any actor. They ACT.
They pretend, REALLY WELL. They know the script, the scenery. They get other actors to play their parts, and they make sure everyone gets their lines straight, to support the story line. We are all just props and bit actors in their big movies. And, unless you have pulled the curtain aside and seen behind the ‘set’ you cannot believe someone even has the ENERGY to perpetrate so much falseness!
I am, blessedly, fortunate enough that the individuals I have tangled with have gone away. I don’t have to have contact, and I have been able to focus quite intensly on my own life, and the fulfillment of my own growth.
I wish I could give everyone here that gift. **Strength** to those of you who have to continue to have contact.
Slim
After 6-1/2 years of no contact, my curiosity got the best of me. I looked for the spath on Facebook. He has an unusual name, so I knew when I found him, even though there was no profile picture. He had a lot of Bible phrases quoted in the profile – that was the only notable thing. I think he lives in the Oklahoma area where his family is from, as he was sending prayers to tornado victims. It was a very normal profile, and I wasn’t triggered at all by looking at it. It’s always my paranoia that I will accidentally send someone a friend request that I didn’t intend, so I got out of there pretty quickly.
I will never know whether he got a dishonorable discharge or served any time for his fraud with the army. Old LFers know the story, but if anyone wants to know, I could post it again some time.
Crap, that’s all they need…prayers from a spath, as if tornadoes were hell enough.
it has been 5 months of no contact and just this week I ran into the Spath…..I can honestly say that when I saw him it was like looking at a monster….there was no love or the old feelings that I had. He lied, cheated, manipulated me, gaslighting making me think that I was to blame for his behavior. It was such a good feeling to walk by and know that I have had time to become stronger and wiser with time. I come to this site everyday to get my dose of ” BE STRONGE TODAY” and although I do not post often I can tell you that without all of you I could not have done this. No contact is a must to be able to move on as you will see who they really are when you finally get away from them.
Hello sickheart
I have been there. Am still there. I posted here last weekend when I was on day 1 of no contact and have connected with some wonderful people who truly understand where you are and have been.
Read the advice from Donna and others to help you understand how you have fallen victim to these men.
I say these because I have had more than a few relationships with the same type…hence looking inside myself on how I fall for the types to begin with.
I am trying desperately to overcome this.
Stay on this board and we can all get through it together.
I am here for you.
Have no contact, accept your moments that you do..because we all do it. No judgement.
If you have a setback like a text or phone call, take a breath and post here.
We are all here for you!
Hi, fellow travelers. Thank you for your wisdom and insights. After a 7 day NC success, I broke down and contacted my spath. I told him I thought there was still hope for us (regardless of catching him cheating twice), and we should set a date and get married (which was the reason he said he was cheating….I just wouldn’t commit). WHAT WAS I THINKING? In the next five days, he broke 3 dates and then proceeded to tell me he got what he wanted, which was a marriage proposal. WTF?! He then told me I had to decide in the next 10 minutes whether I was 100% committed or not. I was speechless. He then dumped me. I’m on Day 2 of NC. Your posts are a good reminder of the baffling, confusing nature of these relationships. I have never felt so confused, anxious, pressured and powerless in my life as I did throughout this entire relationship. I thought he cared about me and my kids. All he cared about was getting his needs met.
Congratulations on 2 days NC. I hate to hear that you have to begin the process of NC again, claimmypower. I’ve been through the same situation over and over. It’s wicked how these Spaths have manipulated our reasoning so much that we can read story after story of others despair and advice on abuse, yet our heart still hopes that our own relationship will be the one that is different.
I had to be around my husband for my daughter’s school event yesterday. My sweet daughter longs for the family we believed we had before his mask was removed. I have tried my best to make this year as normal as possible for her as she finishes school. Her home situation and the torture her father has put our family through is so burdening to her. I thought I could handle being around him just for the event.
Of course, he used the opportunity to first make a critical remark about me, second to act aloof and chilly, then warm and fuzzy and finally to swear that he misses and wants our family back together.
He “claims” he is a sex addict and is going in for treatment this month. He swears he is sexually sober, drug and alcohol free and is looking forward to his healing and the strength it will give him. He heartily claimed that he had not seen or been with any other woman. That his affair was over and he had not seen or talked to her. He said he has such hope for our marriage. He prayed for us at dinner with other family members listening. They were touched that he was working so hard to get his life straight and that he cares so much for all of us. And just for a second, I thought that maybe, just maybe he was different. He left me with an “I love you so much” ” we will be together soon”.
Later, last evening, I received a call from him. His phone had accidentally called me in his pocket. I listened for almost an hour as he had conversation with her, made a drug deal, used cocaine and then had sex. I finally called his work cell phone and he answered in a sweet tone, while he is in bed with her. He would have had a normal conversation had I not told him he may want to check his personal phone and hung up. There it was, all wrapped up in a box, the picture of who he is. He is a monster.
This is their the truth of their lives. They live in a dark immoral world where self satisfaction is the justification of their instant gratification. It is an evil place where no human soul can exist. They have no soul. They are liars and evil from the very core. Nothing, NOTHING is sacred to them, even their children.
This is the truth of my life, I am numb. The events of yesterday had no affect on me. I have lived through so much that the awful events of last night had no more affect on me than eating cereal for breakfast. How sad is it that I listened to all of that with no response. He has destroyed who I am. And I’ve opened the door and let him in over and over. I want to hate him. I don’t want to hear his words any more”.at all. I want me back, if I can remember who I am. I know I sound like a fool for allowing it. But he has programmed me to take it, a little at a time to build my tolerance. He always threatened to leave me with no support. So I learned to just fight him in the moment and let things go. Of course, I didn’t know about the drugs or women. He always showed such love for me. Or so I thought.
The advice from Donna and others is spot on. The stories here are true and perfect examples of what dealing with a Spath means for anyone near them. No Contact is vital. I wish my heart could have learned that lesson every time my head told me that it is true. I tried NC so many times, but always gave in to some type of “hoovering”. Breaking free is very difficult.
I shared my story of what happened yesterday with the people who support me. They were shocked, especially those that witnessed his manipulation first hand yesterday. They haven’t been understanding before now. He had them fooled. But this behavior painted a clearer picture for them. His mask is removed.
Sick@heart said in her comment above that when she sees the Spath that he looks like a monster to her. Today, for the first time since this all began, I want no hope. I want NC. He is the devil.
Please, please, please don’t believe the words of your abuser. Nothing they say is true. Don’t listen to their words at all. No contact!
Hopingtoheal, You are a terrific person with an amazing ability to love humans and believe in the goodness in them. Please Don’t let this Spath’s hatred for himself and others prevent you from shining your light. The world needs a lot more of you and much less of him. Good for you for exposing him to others. Spath’s behaviors are so unbelievable that the more they are exposed, the better off we all are. Be good to yourself!
Thank you, hopingtoheal. How tragic to have to be exposed to his charms, and then exposed to his evil ways. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. I gasped when I read about the cellphone fiasco. One morning, after lots of “I love you’s” and great conversation about how perfect we were for each other, my Spath’s cell phone also accidentally called me from his pocket. I got to listen to 10 minutes of him flirting with a total stranger and asking her to go to a concert with him. It was sickening to hear him brag about how famous and connected he was. In reality, he was broke, homeless and constantly in trouble with the law. However, that incident was only enough for me to keep up NC for 7 days. I was the one who reached out to him after feeling so guilty about screaming at him, and, truthfully, missing his presence. This time, I must be stronger. Maybe I should write a list if all the horrible things he has said and done, and then look at it everyday, so I don’t call him.
I say to do whatever it takes to have NC, claimmypower. I tried the list but, at the time, it was overwhelming. I’ve read several post here on LF where others say that NC can be a process. They suggest to work on one day at a time. Donna and every other survivor states that, while it’s hard to believe, we will heal. I’ve continued to have faith in their confidence and in God, even when I was at my weakest. I thought that I could never live without him. We’ve been together 23 years.
But today, after hearing his scrawny body, balding head and skinny legs crawl into bed with someone else, he makes me sick. I would never have believed that I would feel this way, but he is gross. He is a nasty, drug infested whorehound. Sorry if that word is offensive. He is disgusting. Believe me, you will come to this point too.
One day, you will wake up in the morning and your heart won’t hurt so bad. One day, we will reminisce and not have tears in your eyes. One day, you will feel sickened to think that you ever wasted one single second of your precious life on someone who was heartless and pathetic. One day, we will not think of them at all. I can’t wait until that day.
I can’t wait for that day. I’m still under his spell. I guess that is the way the devil works. After abandoning my spiritual life during our relationship, I’ve started returning to my church and daily practices. I didn’t used to believe in evil. Now I’m starting to think differently. Ugh. Why am I so nice to everyone, even when they clearly don’t deserve it??
You are nice because you have compassion and empathy. You judge other’s behavior according to your own high standards of integrity, morals and values. Unfortunately, you were picked as a target by someone who recognized your kind loving heart and saw an opportunity to exploit you. I, like you, have had trouble understanding how a Spath makes decisions. I know the facts and the examples, but still have trouble understanding why he is so cruel.
My Spath knows all the right buttons to push and I was so attached to him. Like I said, I’ve tried no contact many times and failed. But I have to warn you, it really can be physically damaging to go no contact, contact, no contact, contact. Seriously.
Each time you break free and go No Contact, your brain goes through a chemical withdrawal (similar to drug addicts). That chemical change is traumatizing to your brain, not just emotionally but physically.
About the time your brain starts to feel the chemical loss at its height, a person starts to feel the loss intensely (crave) and the easiest fix is to talk to the Spath. You hear his voice, all the love chemicals flood through your brain and you feel better, emotionally and physically.
Then the Spath (who knows you better than you know yourself) rejects you or betrays you. The brain goes back to trauma mode. Fight or flight chemicals kick in. You feel awful and the only thing that will slow those chemicals is to go No Contact. Remove the source of pain.
And the cycle begins again!!! If the brain goes through these cycles repeatedly, it can become so stressed that you develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When that happens, you ability to handle your life goes to a whole different place. PTSD can severely handicap and be debilitating.
You probably have had experience with this at some level since you are with a Spath . I sure hope not. Please protect yourself. You will come to know the truth in your heart, in your own time. No one can push you to it. One day at a time. One day at a time. Stay strong. Hugs!
HopingToHeal, you are very wise. Thank you. I’ve now slogged through Day 3. Lots of self-pity and self-loathing today. Thank goodness he hasn’t tried contacting me; I’d be beside myself if he had. I’m looking forward to going to work tomorrow and plopping myself down to do something I feel successful at.
Your comments about PTSD are spot-on. In fact, shortly after I broke NC, and then he subsequently blew off a date, I was told by several people at work the next day that I looked like I was in shock. Your words remind me to take are of myself. I am raising a sometimes violent, developmentally disabled teenager, and I’ve a number of mental health challenges because of his repeated, unpredictable outbursts. Life with the Spath had that same chaotic, unpredictable pain, only the Spath was smart enough to not get physical.
Your comments are keeping me strong. Thank you so much!