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How to implement No Contact

When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.

Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.

What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.

The rules of No Contact

The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.

De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:

One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.

Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:

  • If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
  • If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
  • If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
  • Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
  • A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.

“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him  a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”

Giving in

What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”

I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.

I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.

Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.

So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.

No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.


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742 Comments on "How to implement No Contact"

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I am so frustrated with myself right now. After two unsuccessful, one-week NC periods (one which I broke, the most recent which he broke), I resumed talking to the spath on a daily basis and seeing him every few days. Right now, I can’t believe the words which came out of my mouth during a phone call earlier this morning. “Just promise me one thing. You will tell me if you are having sex with another woman. That’s all I ask.” Asking someone to be exclusive in a relationship is one thing. Begging someone to tell me, and then, in my heart KNOWING that he would never really be honest, is another. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Just when I think I am stronger, I do something which demonstrates my weakness/vulnerability. (big sigh)

Gosh, claimmypower, you can’t see it because of your frustration, but you are doing great! Two one week periods of NC is awesome. Go easy on yourself. Your situation is overwhelming and it is only natural for you to desire the warmth of a relationship that has nurtured you before. Thank The Lord, you are now aware of the truth and are trying to break the cycle of deceit. Hang in there. Jm_Short gives several suggestions of activities we can use to self-nurture and will distract us from the Spath.

My counselor told me that attachment is much stronger than love. The need for comfort and nurturing is a basic human characteristic. You are not just fighting the decision you made to remove yourself from the relationship, you are battling basic human nature. Add to that desire, the addiction to the brain chemicals of love and you have a very difficult situation to resist. It’s an attachment.

Attachment-
1. The desire to be cared for, accepted and nurtured and the bond between you and the person who meets those needs.
2. The chemical response (addiction) one has in their brain when in the presence of the one who meets those needs
3. The fantasy built around the perceived life and future with the one who meets those needs and stirs those brain chemicals.
3. The actuality of the shared life -children, family, homes, finance
4. The activities shared with that person-church, vacations, movies etc
5. The lack of autonomy (which is very prevalent in women)

I’m sure there are more examples. Attachment is difficult to break under normal circumstances. Add lies, betrayal and manipulation to the attachment and the result leaves us living in huge barrel full of dung. I know that’s where I have found myself and it sounds like you are there also.

Now, doesn’t it make sense for you to want to get yourself out of that barrel of dung? So, your natural reaction is to reach for someone you are attached to. I wouldn’t be disheartened about breaking NC, I’d just be aware of what drove me to that point. Start over. Each time, you learn more and jumping in the dung barrel becomes more repulsive.

He’s playing this perfectly. He senses just when you are getting stronger. If it’s only slightly, then a phone call will work. But if you are really gaining momentum, he’s going to lovebomb, be the perfect guy, make you feel better. He strengthens the attachment. Uggghhhh. I know it sucks!

I HATE it when my brain remembers only the good stuff. It weakens my movement toward breaking the attachment. Why can’t I remember how nasty it is to be in the dung barrel. If I could just hold onto that thought, I know I’d be free.

You ARE getting stronger. Soon, you will be strong enough! Hugs!

Thank you so much, HopingToHeal. Your insights help me climb out of my fantasy world and back to reality. What I find interesting is that I can keep up that fantasy when our contact is just phone calls. However, whenever we get together in person, I quickly remember the lies, feelings of betrayal and general chaos which surrounds him, and, frankly, his good looks, charm and twinkle start to look pretty unappealing.

Thank you for putting out the predictions of things to come. I’ll be on the lookout! Hugs back!

I have the same problem with phone calls. My husband has always traveled a lot with his work. It’s been the perfect setup for the life he lives. I was unaware, but he met his new victim several years ago and has lived a double life since. The phone calls kept me from realizing how awful he is. I could only hear his sweet words and declarations of feigned love and interest. I kept the fantasy of our shared life alive by listening to his words. I waited for every phone call from my “soulmate”. I scheduled my life around being available because that was all he had for me. That’s it. For years, I’ve been loved by words.

Of course, when he was physically present, I sensed the evilness that lurked below. We fought so much. But I always believed that we were meant for each other- because of the multiple daily phone calls where we shared our lives. It makes me sick to think of it now.

Our only true connection was on the phone. How easy was that for him? I had no visual so he could use whatever tone he wished and manipulate me to the max. That’s how I was able to miss all the horrific clues of his deceit.

Phone calls are like texting and internet communication. People can be whomever they choose to be at that moment. Honesty and authenticity can be excluded.

In NORMAL relationships, the feelings of love wax and wane.

When in relationship with predators, when they lose their desire to scam us (sorry, it was never love, it was predatory), they have a strong predatory urge to find new prey. (old cow, new cow theory, as per Bridget Jones)

Predators know they can’t tell their NEWEST prey the truth, so they use pick up lines, like “Oh baby,I love you”. They triangulate, pricking a normal need to feel special to the one we love, they say,I cheat on her with you because YOU are different, I don’t love her. I love YOU. Women think this is a great rationalization. They don’t pay attention to the fact that his woman would not be with him if he told them from the beginning “I don’t love you. I’ll be with you until I find the one I do love.”

I think part of my pain was that I thought he saw something special in me, and I had to face that maybe I didn’t have anything special afterall. Which is GARBAGE thinking. Of course I have something special. I give LOVE. And we all know that being able to give LOVE is VERY special.

Jenni, I have been one year NC!!! Ask Donna she knew the messy state I was in a year ago. I made a decision not to date anyone this past year. I wanted to REALLY get over this without a crutch of another relationship. So where am I a year later? Yes I still think about what happened…I don’t miss him at all…I still am angry at myself and figuring out why I did what I did. But no part of my thoughts involve missing him. It’s my journey! This past year NC I bought a house, reconnected with my family, and got a job offer in Rome Italy, and sold my house yesterday for 100k profit. Amazing what happens in life when all you think about it yourself. I don’t believe you ever “get over it” ask Donna…that’s why she’s still here! But you do get yourself back. Trust me. One year later. It’s amazing.

Notwhathesaidtome,

You are so right with how these predators move on and what they say. In your last post you said this-

“One weirdo thing that made me feel better was watching the Bridget Jones movie, and that scene, where the Predator says “we’re alike, you and I.” and Bridget realized she didn’t want to be “LIKE HIM”, a predator. and she replied, “That’s not good enough for me anymore”.
It was then that I realized even if my husband decided he wanted me after all, I did not want him, a predator. I did not want to be LIKE HIM. To be treated as he treated me was “NOT Good enough for me AnyMore”.”

I actually had chills when I read it. It was like the lightbulb finally went off! I have been waiting on him to love me, then waiting on him to change, then waiting until I felt better about myself because he chose others. I “knew” that he was a predator and can’t change. Why did it take me so long to say to myself “I don’t want him”.

But I don’t want him. I don’t care if he wants me or not. I don’t want his messed up roller coaster evil life. I don’t want to wait for him to give me a minuscule of attention. I don’t want to be in an OPEN MARRIAGE. YUCK,
So I don’t want him.

That’s the key to NC. We have to come to a point that we aren’t forcing ourselves to be without them, we choose to be without them because we love ourselves and our families more. Duh! For some reason, that would not sink in. Thanks Notwhathesaidtome .

I haven’t been on LF in a few months. I had to bang my head against the wall again, I suppose, with “Edweird” by giving him a 30th chance to ‘play nice’. Of course it didn’t work and he has a new weapon in his arsenal: It’s the perfect deflection, it’s “don’t stress me out because of the heart attack”……

Today is day 31 of NC with the exception of May 1st when he knocked at my door while I was home for lunch. My door was open just a tiny crack and when I looked through the peep-hole I didn’t recognize him. I asked “who is it?” he said it’s “Edweird”. I said “Edweird, who?”. When I heard “don’t give me that sh*t” I pushed the door shut tight and heard him say something about me thinking that I was being funny and something about him being at or going to the hospital, but I don’t know what he said.

I am determined to get the monster out of my life and have come back here to LF for the support of knowing that I am not alone while I fight through all these dang emotions and flashbacks and anger and humiliation and and and on and on……

I found a quote during my web clicks about sociopaths/narcissists etc, that I have hung on my wall because it seems like it is what happened to my relationship with “Edweird” and I wanted to post it in case it makes sense to someone else also. idk, maybe it only applies to my own feelings, but here it is:

“If it can be DESTROYED by the Truth, It deserves to be DESTROYED by the Truth” -Carl Sagan

I feel like crap. I’ve lost weight. I am lonely.
But I am going to get through this initial NC mind-chaos.

I have seen it DESTROYED by the Truth, and I can no longer lie to myself.

Does it really take 1-3 years to get over being with this evil dark monster? This worries me a bit.

~Peace
Jenni Marie

Jennie Marie,
I’m so sorry you are feeling so lonely and sad. This process is so painful, especially since we did nothing to deserve it. We pay the consequences of another persons actions. So unfair! And they are free to happily move along with their lives.

I’m like you, I hate to think that it will take so long to recover. But congrats on 31 days NC! You are staying strong and moving closer to the day you are free and healed.

I love the Sagan quote and especially your name for your Spath. I take that to mean that the Truth will set you free. Bring on the truth!

You are strong. You see the truth. Freedom is coming. Hang in there.

Oh Donna,

I am so looking forward to that blog. I’m the kind of person who likes to follow list. It was hard to go through the process before I found LF. The direction from this site has been so valuable. An article that covers the healing process will be very helpful.

Hey Jenni Marie,

Donna is right, it takes as long as it takes; the length of time being quite variable from person to person. I turned into a twig the first year out (that’s why I go by Slim One). I was lonely. I felt like the dark cloud over me would never let go and just RAIN ALREADY!It’s the worst phase, the initial waking up; when the truth has destroyed the illusion.

Here’s the good news though. It changes. It really does. Little bits at a time everything starts to lighten. Life doesn’t feel so ridiculously heavy and so-not-worth-it. And once you are firmly on the other side of the mountain of doom it gets A LOT better.

I found it was important for me to try and focus on keeping my life, even if it was not fun, together.

Simple things: paying bills on time, cleaning, weeding the yard, buying groceries and trying to eat (even small amounts) every few hours, sleeping whenever I could fall asleep, going to counseling, getting to yoga class, reading, and hanging out only with friends who could really listen and support.

I tell you just taking care of these day to day things felt like I was walking up hill with 100 pounds on my back. And I wasn’t very successful at times. Just too tired and sad to lift a finger.

I didn’t try to start anything big, or make giant decisions. I took it a day at a time. Sometimes I did nothing for days at a time. Just layed on my bed or the couch and let myself feel, cry, despair, BE; in exactly the state I was in. I didn’t try to change it.

Everyone’s journey for getting to the other side of despair is different (on the surface). But if we take a deeper look it is about, step by step, bringing the focus back onto our lives, what we want them to be like, and over time making that our #1 priority.

I would say because of this traumatic experience I, for really the first time in my life, learned to be interested in ME. Before that I was always waaaay more interested in being what someone else wanted me to be. So, when I stopped caring (I was just too tired to care any longer) there was a HUGE void inside me, where my self interest should have been.

I think we all feel this, to varying degrees, because the sociopaths demand that we place the focus soley on them. Then when they discard us we are left with so little relationship to ourselves. That is why, little by little, in small ways we need to re-engage in our own lives.

Hang in there Jenni Marie, you can get to the other side of this. It takes patience and perseverance…but it is do-able.

slim

JenniMarie, I went 7 days nc. Today he texted me and I responded. I told him I was busy and he gave me until tonight to get back to him! I’m so sorry I responded.

I once again woke up after only a few hours of sleep..upset, hurt and exhausted. I so badly wanted to email him his morning..and ask him again WHY and HOW could he not care what he has done to my life. I should be able to see my son graduate and be happy..but I am drained and confused..I just want some type of answer.He has made ME look as if I did something wrong. I do not know what I did..i pick myself apart all day..could I have done this, should I have done this and this and this differently. Everytime he would lie, he would come back and say ” I cant talk to you about anything so I lie”. He never even started with the truth..he used excuses..strung me along until he knew he could live with this new girlfriend then thre me away. Like trash.

Tara,
It was not you. I think you may be having trouble digesting his behavior in correlation to the diagnosis of a sociopath. Maybe because you see some good in him, you believe that you could be misjudging him. Because of that you are second guessing yourself.

Donna has posted several articles on this site about Cluster B personality disorders. Each disorder has it’s own characteristics and then some bleed over of the traits of other Cluster Bs. There are just varying degrees of the severity of each disorder. Because of that, there are different levels of abuse. We all have our own stories that are distinct, but then again, they all resemble one another.

Some Cluster Bs (border line, narcissist, histrionic, sociopath) function at very high levels and move through life with ease while leaving a wake of abuse. Others are more aggressive and outwardly evil and end up in prison. There’s a wide spectrum here.

If you are trying to put this guy’s traits in a box and label it Spath, you may not be able to do that. You are only confusing yourself. You may want to read about all the Cluster B personality disorders so that you can see how he may not be an ax murderer (although he may be) but can still be a Sociopath. It’s not about a label. It’s about the picture of his life as a whole. When someone behaves outside social norms, there IS something wrong. He’s definitely off balanced and you certainly are not to blame for your situation. Just something to think about.

Hoping to heal- I guess I should read up on that. I just am NOT processing what had happened. I feel like my friends want to strangle me because they keep trying to tell me over and over..that im obsessing. I am being what he has called me ..crazy. I cant just look back at my years and look at it all as fake. How could it all be fake..when my sister died 2 years ago, he was there for me..he took care of the house he held me at night and I was a mess. I keep bringing up the good things..not the bad. How in the world does he tell this new gf he LOVES her after he was with me all those years. Even if he never loved me, I took care of his children as they are my own. I cry about not having them in my house..the house is empty and quiet and it is heartbreaking. I love them, I want to see them grow up. This was not in the plan for my life. At 36 I have to start all over. I just can not do it.

I do not know why I was discarded..what I was not providing because I felt thru all the lies, I stuck by him. That should count for something! He now HATES me? So drastic..from saying her loves me to hating me. And telling this 26 year old he loves her..I am crazy and he wants to be with her. It is not right. I have used prayer..I have tried to just close my eyes and meditate..nothing makes this feeling go away. I need answers..i need to know how you snap your fingers and leave someone and not feel remorse. We had just gone out with friends 2 weeks prior to the discard..even my friends are blown away. We were happy..we were not unhappy. We dealt with issues yes, due to his lies. But we loved each other..I miss him and how could I miss someone so awful

I was exactly in the same place as you. We were a family and then we were not, instantaneously. Your brain can’t handle two realities at one time. It shuts down or over processes. You had the reality of your life and lost it, not over time but suddenly. Now a new reality has replaced it. You aren’t crazy. You are in severe trauma!

Stop telling yourself that you can’t go on without him. You are lying to yourself! This man isn’t Jesus. He’s just one crappy lowlife. You can go on, you will go on. I know the words aren’t sinking in right now. Your mind is on overdrive and you are having trouble getting control of it.

He doesn’t think or feel the same way as we do. It’s like asking a robot to grieve or show love. The robot can’t do it. It’s not that he won’t, or chooses not to, he can’t. This guy needed a family for what ever reason. He chose you because you are nice and loving, would help him with his kids. He bamboozled you. He can’t be anything but that person. He can’t. He keeps proving that.

You are in a terrible place mentally. Trauma actually distorts your brain chemistry. You will find yourself zoning out, loosing concentration, distracted. There has to be a way for you to work through it. Have you thought of making additional therapy appointments? I know you said she’s not that helpful, but at this point, you just need someone to listen as you process through this. If you can, write it down. Get it out of your head. Write him a letter and then mail it to yourself -NOT HIM. When you receive it back, read it and see the progress you’ve made in just a few days.

If your mind won’t shut off, then see a doctor and get some meds for a short while. Against all advice, I would drink a glass of wine when I was so overstimulated with thinking. But that’s a dangerous path to start down so don’t go that route if there’s a chance of dependence.

Tara, you can do this. You are panicked, scared and distraught. Use the experience of the loss of your sister as a tool to guide you. You had no choice in that. I’m sure you were devastated, but somehow you got through it. I know your heart still aches but you made it through. You went on and recovered.

You will do this without him. You are ONLY 36. Your life is going to be so full!

Tara-

Obsessing is a normal reaction to what you experienced. Your friends don’t understand because they have the good fortune of not being snared by a sociopath. But you may need the help of medication and a therapist to end your addicted behavior. In seeking a therapist, try to find one who is familiar with predatory relationships and betrayal bonds.

His hating you is every bit as much an act as his loving you was. He is simply trying to gaslight you and make it seem that you are unstable. You are falling apart because you were devastated by his behavior. He will never own up to it, but he will attempt to shine a light on any hurt or anger you feel. There is nothing you can gain by interacting with him except giving him more ammunition to convince his new audience with.

I believe you mentioned he gave you a time when he would contact you to pick up his things. Defuse his power trip by packing his gear and driving it over to one of YOUR friends. That way, you won’t need to deal with him. You’ll re-establish some feeling of your own power, and let him know you are no longer going to let him manipulate.

Send him a text that says, your gear is at —–‘s. You can contact them at —- to pick it up. You are never to contact me again, I am blocking all contact with you. Then do it! And never look back!

Joyce

Tara, I too can empathize with what you are feeling. My husband had 4 kids I grew to love, and I am very close with his parents. One day he would say I was his world, the next day he would tell me what day he wanted me out of the house. In one 6 week period I counted 8 different women he was somehow involved with. His lies became a joke. We had, what i thought, were good times. But looking back, he controlled them too. They were good because he was behaving, the bad times were bad because he manipulated that too. It’s all part of what I call the yo-yo plan. Throw you away then pull you bsck. Every time we communicate with them its an opportunity for them to work the challange. I have still have trouble with the boubt. Is he really an spath? Was it really all lies? Does he deserve yet another chance? He admitted to cheating, thsn decided to tell me he was wrong, he never cheated snd over time he tr I ed to change history. Use wharever support you can to move past this chapter in your life. No contact is the only way to begin the process. Dont try to avoid the pain, It will improve. I got a prescription for the anxiety I was feeling. The weeks I dont speak to or hear from him – I dont need to take them. I wish you on this journey, you’re not on the road alone.
E

Tara, there is nothing you could have done, sadly. This is how he has brainwashed you, and when you spend so many years with someone like this, you come to believe them. It will take some time to undo the damage. Good for you for coming here to talk about it and NOT emailing him. If you email him, you will get more of the same brainwashing and blame shifting. I’m sending you a hug. I’m so sorry for all the pain you are going through. It really hurts to hear of the damage these monsters cause.

NotWhat-

There is absolutely something special about you. The problem is that the predator knows how to manipulate what is unique about you into a hoax to con you. Someone else would value your “special” qualities and cherish them. A psychopath only knows how to exploit them.

To All-

“No Contact” is what we implement to break free from the addiction we have to a predator. If we were addicted to drugs or alcohol and slipped off the wagon, would we feel like a failure and give up? Or would we climb back on the wagon and try again?

The oxytocin production that results from contact can respond to their writing, their voice, their smell, their feel, or their look. And the powerful “compelling” inner voice that holds you ruminating over their loss and wanting them back in your life happens as a result of this addiction. You are cleaving to your love interest the way nature intended you to. The problem is that you are doing so over a person who is a predator. There is no cleaving to you. They do not experience oxytocin in the same way…. they only pretend to.

Emotional predators can make quick breaks from one person to the next because no inner chemistry compels them. Their relationships are all about what they want and need. They use YOUR love, YOUR oxytocin, YOUR trust to fool you. Once you can comprehend this, it’s easier to recognize their power over you, and regain your own power.

People who are hanging on to the predator are caught in a Betrayal Bond. Recognizing reality and living in reality is how to break the Betrayal Bond’s hold.

Joyce

Thanks for this post. Can’t have too many reminders Joyce. I remember the days when I first fell into a buzzy daze. It took a LONG time to shake it off.

To ALL: You have this response because you are NORMAL.
You are having a NORMAL biochemical response, and a NORMAL emotional response, and a NORMAL processing response.

Once you realize he’s NOT LIKE YOU, you are on the road to healing.
He/she did this to you because he’s/she’s a DIFFERENT animal, a PREDATOR. (It’s an attachment disorder, they know it, so they pretend in order to get you to GIVE to them. Since they are unable to feel connection, they “move on” without a thought because they were never “coupled” to their prey.) Thus he/she is both PREDATOR and Parasite.

Hi All, first off thank you, everyone, so much for all your posts. They are what get me through my days, I am truly not alone. I am on day 2 of no contact from my spath for probably the 10th time in 4+ years. The interesting thing that I have found is that with each “break-up” it has gotten easier. The time that elapses between the reuniting and the next discard is becoming much shorter with the break-up being initiated by me. There just comes a time where enough is enough. Enough lies, enough broken promises, enough feelings of inadequacy and definitely enough walking on egg shells. The last 2 reunions were different for me. The gut feeling, that intuition that we all have was screaming at me that this man is not right, the feeling of evil reentering my life was overwhelming, but like most of us, back I went, because the false words spewing out of his mouth hooked me once again. Finally 2 days ago, I looked at him as he was trying to convince me that the reason he didn’t follow through with his promises was in fact my fault and I actually burst out laughing. His words were comical to me because the truth of the last 4+ years was staring me in the face. At that point I told him that our relationship was truly the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I asked him to leave my house and that was it. For now. I know how this goes, I know that after 20 days or so, he will try to weasel his way back in under the guise of not wanting to be enemies. All that is, is a way to control me once again. I am now at the point where I would rather be alone and deal with occasional loneliness than be miserable with an spath. It is painfully clear to me that I was addicted to the chaos, that was my drug, he was my drug. I see being without him as an opportunity, not a punishment. I now am able to reacquaint myself with who I really am. The desire for peace in my life has outweighed the desire for chaos…for today. But that’s all we have..one day at a time.

Much love
Michelle

Joyce-thank you for your post..yes the obsessing and wondering why..is consuming me. Why this girl doesn’t believe anything ive told her makes me sick. I recently found out he also changed his work schedule to be the same as hers. He went from a 6 year relationship to being with her..just like that. Telling her he loves her telling her everything he needs to. Changing his schedule to work with her..its just sick. I read and read these posts I try to explain to my family what im dealing with. .they say get over it. They don’t understand the trauma and disbelief im dealing with its hard to explain to someone

Tara, so I wondered the same thing when I told my spathe newest victim all about him. She seemed to care at first but that was a year ago and they’re still together. Remember: you KNOW how good of a liar and manipulator he is. So what he did was totally convince her how crazy you are and that YOU lie blah blah. My ex convinced her that I made up a fake account using his name and sent the emails to myself to show her they were from him. And that I followed her after work to show her. Lol. You believed him and wanted so badly to believe him right? Well he’s doing the exact same thing to her. She wants to be with him so she is choosing to believe the truths she wants…just like we did in the beginning too. She WILL figure it out and you do NOT need to help the process. It makes you look crazier and less credible. And in my case them still together after a year?? I know why…he is 38, appears to be rich(carries tons of debt) he’s charming, and appears to have his shit together. She is 27, uneducated, runs his soccer club for him therefore his money comes from him. She gets to be taken care of, and he gets control over her. It makes perfect sense!! But I am so glad I’m educated, make my own money, and no one controls me. It’s not your problem anymore!! You are free!! And stop stop stop finding out what he’s doing.

Yes I feel our storys are so alike. When I told the girl he had been with me 6 years..told her nights he was home..I even recorded him telling me he had nothing with this girl..I sent it to her to try to prove what he was saying the girl did not care. He told her I made a sprint cell account in his name and was going in reading his texts and things. Not true.i don’teven think youcan do that. He told her I was crazy and nothing would get in between them. She has no idea at all what hes been doing. .she doesn’t know hes still been in contact with me. He told her he doesn’t even have my number anymore. How fumb is this girl..we were together. 6 years she thinks he doesn’t know my . number??

My spaths ex-wife was still involved with him after our marriage. She would text me and tell me about the time she was spending with him. He works say she was crazy and just wanted me out of his life so she could have him back. I hired a pi who got pictures of her at my home while I was away, and pictures of him going to her house after work. But I choose to believe him! I even got a restraining order against her. The point is, against all reason and facts to the contrary, I choose to believe him! Your exs new victim is his new VICTIM. Thank your stars that you are out, thank her for taking a hit for the team. My spaths ex might think she’s won because I left… nope, I won because I left.

taralav…what Serenity said is true. You wonder why she did not listen to you, but think about it…you know how much you love/loved him…if another woman warned you about him and told you all these things…would you listen to her? I hightly doubt it. I did not listen either when I was warned because he was making me feel so exhilarated…making me feel like I had never felt before and this was even way before I had sex with him. I truly thought he was the one or could be the one. It’s so sad what they do to us…downright tragic. They become our whole world and we are nothing to them. I am sad for you because I was there. I still ruminate some and it’s been four years. Nothing like it used to be, but I feel like I will always feel it on some level. Scars.

For folks who have difficulty resisting the tug to lay it all put to the next victim, keep in mind that they came under the spell, just like you did, and your message will simply be denigrated by your offender. They will undermine everything you say, and attempt to make you look “crazy.” their only interest is protecting their reputation. They’ll stop at nothing in order to do so.

So if you feel that your interest in protecting the next person outweighs your interest in not being gaslighted, here is an approach you can use…..

Dear…..

I understand that you are romantically involved with ……. I wish you and him the very best, but, unfortunately, I’m aware of behaviors that could get in the way of your happiness. Should you ever have an interest in knowing about them, I can be reached at ……

Respectfully,

………..

If your ex is physically violent, that letter would not be a good idea. Never put yourself in harm’s way. People don’t want to hear what you have to say ’til they are ready. This letter gives you the high ground and puts them on notice that things may not be what they seem.

Please folks, add the data about any emotional predators you encountered to the database at http://www.CADalert.blogspot.com. Populating the site with credible information could help bring about awareness and stop a CAD in their tracks!

Joyce

Joyce,

Thanks for addressing the issue of how some of us are quick to blame the other woman, but ignore the actions of the Spath. I’ve done that myself and afterwards regretted that I judged her for doing the same thing I’ve done for over 20 years – believe him.

Good advice about the letter. We never want our actions to appear crazy or out of control. That type behavior feeds the image that the Spath has painted of us. I must remember this!

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