When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.
Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.
What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.
The rules of No Contact
The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.
De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:
One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.
Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:
- If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
- If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
- If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
- Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
- A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.
“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”
Giving in
What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”
I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.
I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.
Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.
So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.
No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.
ellejay,
Bingo! Your post was good, describing our response and/or reaction to a sociopathic encounter, the steps that we take while enmeshed with the disordered soul. I remember telling my h-spath, “boy, it’s goes from bad to worst,” (life experiences with him) to which he looked at me with frustration, being miffed with my words. Oh well, it was the truth! He would tell me occasionally that I can never be happy (which I know is not the case) – he has created SO much unnecessary upheaval in our lives over the past several years (basically ruining my 40’s, causing me to literally be a nervous wreck, but thankfully I am getting better emotionally), how can anyone BE HAPPY. Having as little to do with him is the way to go – this disorder is beyond frustrating, telling myself that I am too old for all of this nonsense that has come my way. It trips you up and it takes a while to get back up and on your way, hopefully, reaching a destination where SANITY prevails. All sociopaths can steer clear of me. Knowing one is enough for me, having made it out alive, not having gone crazy.
ellejay, thank you for the wonderful post!
I’m ping ponging back and forth in my own head now.
It is making me crazy!!
No Contact – easy to say, hard to do. Especially when he continues to send threatening, intimidating, belittling, antagonistic emails filled with lies just to be cruel. My spath even sent an email to me this past weekend threatening me with jail and loss of employment if I appeared at a local club where a band was playing on what would have been our one-year anniversary – a band we had gone to see together last year. The email sent claimed he had filed a temporary restraining order against me in an attempt to intimidate me into not going since he was going to be there. I suspect he did this because he had plans to be there with a date, and if that was true, I’m sure she was told by him that he isn’t married because that’s what he’s been doing with numerous unsuspecting women during the past 10 years. Even though he threatened me with arrest, I knew I had done nothing to be a threat to him, so I knew he was bluffing about the restraining order. So why didn’t I go in spite of his bluff and expose him while he was on a date? Believe me, I wanted to, but I remembered the support and encouragement from the readers here and how you all praised me when I showed class by restraining myself and not responding to him and an ex-wife of his when they posted derogatory lies and comments in answer to my letter to Lovefraud in June. Someone who dated him almost 3 years ago not knowing he was married at the time has become a very dear friend, and we joked that maybe the above mentioned ex-wife was his date that evening. I had every intention of abiding by No Contact, so why did I respond to his emails and threats, thereby continuing to play into his game? After several threatening emails from him calling me a liar, among other things, I would start to feel powerless and felt the need to defend myself against his lies. Even though I knew it was a waste of time, it made me feel better for a while. Because our divorce should be final some time next month, I’m glad I no longer have any reason to have contact with him and intend to take the advice given here. Just saying that makes me feel in control again. I hope that all readers who can’t easily just walk away the way I did will find a way to feel empowered and find the strength for NC. Show you’re the one with class by not responding, no matter what he says.
Still reading, but as always, some great comments, suggestions, advise, and posts from other readers in response to this article. Thanks everyone!
Dear Nora,
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!
Secondly, unless you have been legally “served notice” he cannot have a “restraining order” against you.
Can you block his e mails? Change your e mail address, phone numbers etc. Have some one else check them, or have them automatically go into another folder so that you don’t even know when one comes in. There are several ways to do it and even reading them is painful! ((((Hugs)))) and God bless. NC will eventually lead to healing! STAYING NC IS THE POWER!!!!
Wow, ellejay, you hit the nail on the head! Fantastic post!
I think I know why some of us keep going back……we were in love with that wonderful, charming, passionate man/woman who promised so much and seemed to love us as much as we loved them…… and we keep looking for that person. And he/she keeps dangling that carrot. However, that person is DEAD and I need to make the final arrangements and bury him.
Ellejay,
VERY well written blow by blow.
Oxy,
I LOVE your line….”This starts out about learning about them, but ends up learning about ourselves and how we can be better friends TO OURSELVES”
Ellejay,
Oxy’s line is really the answer to your question. This is what I’ve learned so far. I’ve learned that the “Why can’t I let go” question is at the core of it ALL, for US, not for the sociopaths. WHY did we have such poor boundaries? Why didn’t we see this coming? Why are we SO attached to these guys? The ANSWER lies in YOUR OWN answer of, “Why can’t I let go”….I have NEVER heard another answer to that question that does not lead back to childhood.
I thought I had done enough therapy to get that I had an emotionally unavailable father, so I tended to go for guys who were emotionally unavailable. I understood that in my head, but my subconscious IGNORED it all together. These subconscious beliefs are POWERFUL.
Donna writes about sociopaths and the Law Of Attraction. When your subconscious still believes something, then you still attract things that will support those beliefs. It’s about really, REALLY understanding what YOU think of YOU, that gives you the “Why can’t I let go answer”.
Donna has also written about the neurological connections created with sociopaths.
Oxy is right, just keep reading all there is to find here. I think EVERY answer is here somewhere. The stuff that really rings true for you here, will help you understand yourself.
So the bottom line is, the “Why can’t I let go” starts with the core of it all within you, but it’s layered with many things….Neurological connections, our inability to comprehend the behavior and thus continue to want to rationalize that which is NOT rational, fear, loneliness, blah, blah.
If you read all there is here, you’ll be able to piece your own puzzle together.
There is a program called Enlightenment Intensive. For anyone who wants to fast track getting to the core of things, check this out. It’s basically an intense 2 days of someone asking “Who are you?”. You likely being by describing your career, number of children where you live. But after 2 days of being asked nothing but, “Who are you” by different members of the group who are all doing the same thing, you get at the REALLY deep stuff and have answers like, “I’m a frightened child who is realizing that her mother and father are simply NEVER going to step in and save her from this peril and she can only count on herself.”…..You get the idea.
Oxy, I’m guessing you are recognizing the writing style here. I am sure you are getting a hunch and I’m just saying this so you know your hunch is right. You too, Hopeful. Yes it’s me. In disguise for a reason I’ll say later. Much later.
Blessings to all here.
i DON’T know exactly how long i’ve been in the no contact but it’s been the longest in 8 years a could never get more than a month in, i think i’ts been about 5 months and you know im afraid to be cocky, i had a horrible down day this weekend, Thanksgiving and no family and i was tempted to call the detective from last year and the s. , thankfully(Thanksgiving to me ) i didn’t but i was so close and you know it was pure loneliness and i would have wanted to shoot myself , moreso if i had called the s. I remember how many times i relapsed and how i felt the next day, exactly like i did with the drinking, remorse to the point of feeling like i was at the bottom of the heap again. It’s that feeling that i have to run the tape through reminding myself how it all ends. I am curious with tthe detective and his n wife as to how things are going and if she’s reverted but i know the answer with her and with the s i was involved with , i don’t know why we question what we darn well know, i guess it’s just so hard to beleive that i guess i was in that hell for so long. Im left with that nothing feeling, what a waste, but a dam hard lesson. I spent the day yest with a woman , her twin is with a toxic s and it’s destroying her relationship with her sister and we were discussing how weak and stupid you appear when with these types. I don’t like to say anyone is weak, but i was when i kept going back, i just didn’t want to look squarely at the truth or maybe i just wasn’t ready. I’ve noticed that i live so much in the past with the what if’s and whys’ of men that are a waste of my energy and im trying to change it. After all the therapy and all the doctors, trauma program, meetings, you name it i tried it , it really was the no contact , so simple but yet so impossible at times but it’s the only way out, i’ve tried it all. Cheers to all in no contact , try not to look back, it’s wasting more time on them and i’ve been very guilty of it lately but im aware and so grateful that i know what i know. love kindheart
Dear Kindheart,
Welcome back!!! You do know the drill and start by being KIND TO YOURSELF, and that means NC…you can handle it!!! Just come here when the temptation gets bad! You know we’re behind you!!!
I’m glad you’ve gone 5 months that is a good long stretch!!! Be proud of that! I’m going on more or less 3 years somewhere in there, actually can’t remember the exact date, but you know, the date doesn’t matter to me any more—the only contact is e mails for communicating business and that is rare now with the egg donor. Don’t discuss other things. She called me a year or so ago and after discussed the business she started to tell me about her latest trip to her physician (for the previous 15 years I ha either been her health care provider, or been with her when she went to a specailist, if she was in hospital, I was there, and took care of her azt home for 18 months—so when the business conversation was over she started to tell me about her latest trip to the doctor.
I stopped her and said “When you took the power of attorney away from me, it included that I could not have access to your confidential medical records, so I don’t think it is appropriate for me to discuss your medical conditions with me.” She said then “Well, I just had a few questions that I didn’t understand.” I then suggested that she “speak to her doctor about those questions.: Then hung up. She hasn’t called back.
Not having to worry about her, my cousin has the POA and lives close so he can sign papers for her or handle her fiancial paper work and bills if needed. I feel like a great weight is lifted off my back on that case.
I have mentioned this before, but it’s worth saying again. I remember Dr. Phil talking to a women who was a compulsive cleaner. He talked about how the anxiety builds up inside her and when she cleans it eases the anxiety. That’s very much like us. EVEN though there is SUCH a price to pay for contacting them, we do it anyway. It’s like a drug. We call them because it’s the ONLY thing that eases the pain. And of course if they pull all their charm out, it’s like heroin.
We’re junkies for the same reason drug addicts are junkies. We use our feelings for them to mask our real pain. We escape through our “he’s so wonderful, I love him so muches”, so we can forget about the real problems within us that just SEEM to go away when we are head over heals with these idiots.
ellejay – Thank you for that post. I cant tell you how comforting it is to me when I read exactly what I experienced word for word from someone else. Even after all this time it hit’s home for me…I think we keep going back for the physical connections we had with them, another heart beat, the bond we have with them has become a trauma bond, then there is the sex..Going from all this trauma to being alone is like a drug withdrawal I guess, not sure he was a drug but he was an addiction…takes time, I think it takes two and half years to stop hurting and a life time to forget…