The predictions were dire. Hurricane Sandy had been stewing in the Caribbean for days. It was projected to travel up the East Coast of the United States and then make a left turn—heading directly into my home at the Jersey Shore.
A year ago, my husband, Terry, and I had heard similar warnings about Hurricane Irene. Officials were predicting a direct hit and ordered everyone to evacuate the islands along the Jersey Shore. We moved as much as we could from our ground floor, which actually goes down two steps from the sidewalk. It included the queen-sized mattress from the futon in our recreation room, the television, my husband’s drum set, tools and boxes and boxes of Lovefraud materials. Then we evacuated.
Irene came and went. Other parts of the country got smashed, but not us.
Hurricane Sandy
So when those same officials predicted that Sandy was both a hurricane and a nor’easter, the storm of a generation, promising devastation like New Jersey hadn’t seen in many years, well, Terry simply did not believe them. He didn’t think anything could be that bad.
I did. As a kid, I’d played on the beach in Sea Isle City, New Jersey, among cinder block foundations in the sand—all that remained of homes that had been swept away in a hurricane. The first street in Longport, New Jersey, was named 11th street—because 1st through 10th Streets had been consumed by the ocean. People said New Jersey was hit by killer storms every 100 years—and we were overdue.
But then I started to doubt myself. After all, I’d lived in the area for nearly 35 years, and nothing truly bad had happened. There were many scares, and most of them amounted to nothing. Still, as a journalist, I knew that there were honorable reporters who told the truth. And they were saying that even though Hurricane Irene was a dud in our area, Hurricane Sandy would be a terror.
The debate
I wanted to heed the warnings and prepare to evacuate. Terry decided he was not going to leave.
We argued. Terry said I could leave if I wanted to, but he was staying. He said nothing happened the last time, the media just wanted to scare people, local officials were just covering their butts, and the weathermen always get it wrong.
I was torn. In the end I didn’t want to leave my husband alone, so I didn’t actually agree to stay. I just stopped arguing to leave.
I started carrying our possessions from the ground floor upstairs again. Terry went shopping to buy food to ride out the storm in our home. He reluctantly helped me carry the futon mattress upstairs again. He did not move his drums. He put them on top of the empty futon frame.
The storm
The night of Sunday, October 28 wasn’t bad. We heard some wind, but it wasn’t howling. We heard rain, but it wasn’t pelting. We slept well.
But the storm was predicted to hit Monday, along with two high tides, which would be higher than normal because of the full moon. The first high tide was slated for 8 a.m. Long before 8 a.m., water started coming into our basement.
It was actually ground water, percolating up through cracks in the basement floor. We ran a Shop Vac and mopped, and were able to stay ahead of it for maybe an hour, as the bay crept up the street. Slowly, however, the water surrounded our house. Before long, there was two feet of water in the basement. We sloshed through the water, carrying up more items that hadn’t been moved, like Terry’s drums. Other items were consigned to wreckage.
The escape
I freaked out. The hurricane still hadn’t hit land yet, and the next high tide, in 12 hours, would be worse. Terry finally admitted that he was wrong; he had underestimated the danger. So when the water receded at low tide and the streets cleared, we made a run for it. We took our last chance to get out of town.
As we drove away through the rain, I asked Terry why he didn’t believe the warnings. “I’ve never experienced anything like this,” he said. “I just didn’t think it could be that bad.”
And that’s why I’m telling this story. It is an indication of how our beliefs, or lack of belief, can lead us to disregard warnings and evidence. This is how we get in trouble with sociopaths—by never having experienced anything like them, and not believing it is possible for people to actually be that bad. So we fail to act, until it’s almost too late.
Epilogue
Although our basement flooded, we made out a lot better than many other areas of New Jersey. Seaside Heights, the location for the infamous Jersey Shore reality TV show, was smashed to smithereens. The streets of many beach communities are filled with tons of wet sand, deposited by the raging ocean. And in New York, a fire wiped out a hundred homes, while firefighters, blocked by floodwaters, couldn’t reach them.
We’re back home. We have electricity, gas, telephone service and Internet, but our heater is ruined. We’ve been hauling trash out since Friday.The entire basement has to be gutted and repaired. But in the end, I am grateful that for us, Hurricane Sandy wasn’t much worse. I feel very badly for the thousands of people who suffered far worse. Below is a video from Sea Bright, New Jersey, which is near where my brothers live (and near where Bruce Springsteen lives).
[youtube_sc url=http://youtu.be/4BiWZ7w_vhM]
Yes, the analogy is perfect. These monsters are like super storms destroying everything in their paths.
And you are so, absolutely right on about why we don’t heed those warnings when we encounter a spath in our lives. I can’t remember how many times I’ve told my counselor that “NOTHING in my life had prepared me for the fact that a man would lie about his history, his belief system, his past, etc. in order to defraud me into marrying him.” He lied to me about being a CHRISTIAN. Who does that? Why? Why not tell the truth and meet someone who shares your enthusiasm for darkness, instead of defrauding a trusting Christian woman who wanted nothing but to serve the Lord to the best of her ability? Why? Why? Why?
Not understanding why someone would do this made it difficult for me to accept that someone would do this. So, I rationalized….. He must have meant this, or he must have meant that…. or maybe I misunderstood….
He and his lies caught me completely off guard because it never occurred to me that a man would pretend to be a God fearing Christian in order to dupe a Christian woman into marrying him. And when I began to see little gaps in his story, or those little red flags we so often refer to here, I rationalized them away because I simply could not believe that he was LYING just to DEFRAUD me so I’d marry him. It simply was not part of my life experience. It was not on my radar. He couldn’t be that bad.
I am so thankful for this site. A few months ago when I was still trying to sort out whether or not he was a spath and whether or not a Christian woman should divorce a man like this, I found an article here (I wish I could find it again) which listed the top 10 lies spaths tell during courtship and marriage, and to my utter shock #9 was being a Born Again Christian. This helped me so much because it was confirmation to me that, YES, this DOES happen.
Thank you so much for this site. It’s been so helpful. I only wish I’d found it sooner.
I wish you the best in getting your house back in order and I’m thankful that you are safe.
lovinglem,
I like your post, comments. I agree with everything that you said. Nothing in my life prepared me for a spath – I couldn’t believe that anyone would lie so outrageously and cause SO many problems for himself and his family members (to sort through). My next door neighbor who is a devout Christian (coming from a well-to-do family) divorced her spath after 30+ years of marriage. She told me that at one time she thought it was her biblical duty to stay married to her ex-hubby but over time, the Lord revealed to her that He didn’t want her to be in an abusive marriage, so she kicked the ex-spath to the curb. She’s happy as a lark now.
bluejay,
Thanks. I’m so happy to have a place to read and write about what happened to me. Like your neighbor I stayed in the abusive marriage because every pastor I spoke to told me it was my Christian duty to stay with him and pray for him. God bless these men, they meant well. They just had no frame of reference, and they didn’t understand the true intent of the scriptures. I too prayed for years and finally God helped me to see that my marriage was not a marriage, it was an entrapment and a hostage situation, and that I was not only biblically free to leave him, but that He would protect me and provide for me. And when I say that He “finally showed me” I don’t mean that my God was late in revealing His will, only that I was late in receiving His loving direction.
I’m so happy that your neighbor finally got free. Do you know her well? Did she grieve over all those lost years?
How long did you suffer with your spath? (12 years for me) How are you doing?
Thanks, Donna, for the update. As I noted elsewhere, I was a bit worried when I read that you lived in Egg Harbor Township.
Right on the money with that comparison:
“It is an indication of how our beliefs, or lack of belief, can lead us to disregard warnings and evidence. This is how we get in trouble with sociopaths—by never having experienced anything like them, and not believing it is possible for people to actually be that bad. So we fail to act, until it’s almost too late.”
Each hurricane or person is a new set of probabilities, and their behavior depends not at all on how the last one acted. Nothing about Sandy depended on Irene.
I may have read it here that spaths exploit our tendency to see patterns in behaviors, not anomalies. We’re likely to cover up our concerns with rationalizations to make them “make sense.” If I blew up at the checkout lady at the supermarket today, my mother would probably think I’ve just had a particularly bad day — not that I’m a spath. And she’d be right. With another person, she might be wrong.
Donna,
Super happy you and Terry are safe. Big downer that your home was damaged.
Another reminder to heed life’s warnings. Thank-you….
Hey Everyone…It’s been awhile since I’ve been back here to visit and post. I live at the “Jersey Shore” also…a mile from the State Marina and a few miles from the bay. I was within a 1/4 mile of the mandatory evacuations.
I consider myself very lucky. I live west of Rt.9. East of Rt. 9 has had some major damage. My kids friends’ homes, cars, boats, and even jet skis went floating into the bay…washed away!..
Our churches here are housing people who lost everything…as well as helping people who lost power and still have none.
In the lake community where I live, there are trees on top of houses, power lines still down…and people still don’t have power. It looks like there was an earthquake!
My bff lives in Pt. Pleasant Beach and 50% lost their homes! It’s even worse than here!
Would you believe my x/socio called me to see if I was ok…which I believe was him being more “curious” than “caring”…and his statement was…”Good for those rich people with those homes on the water…and boats!”
OMG…..Some people have NO ability to empathize!!!
Anyway, just checking in to see how everyone is doing…
I feel “blessed” when I watch the news on TV…and see the damaged homes in town…and people who lost so much…
and all I had was a tree fall onto my neighbor’s fence and loss of power for four days! ( Our fireplace was a blessing)…
and I thank God that families are safe and healthy….
Still can’t believe the cruel, unempathetic words from the X!!!
But, overall, people are pulling together and helping each other…which is heartwarming.
Hope everyone is safe and warm….
lovinglem,
I imagine that my neighbor grieves over lost years but I’m guessing at that. I know that I do. She did tell me that when she starts having unpleasant memories of her ex-spath, she’ll lift up her arms and give the spath to Jesus, releasing him into his care. She doesn’t want to spend a lot of time (and energy) recalling the past, becoming angry over the things that he put her through.
Dear lovinglem,
Jesus himself told his disciples that there would come “wolves in sheeps’ clothing” who would come into the church and pretend to be Christians and yet would be followers of Satan.
Look at all the priests and preachers who have stolen from the church, who have raped small children, etc. those I believe are the wolves who pretend to be sheep.
Jesus also told us in another parable that we should know them by their “fruit” by looking at how they ACTED just as we could tell an apple tree by it having apples and a pear tree by its pears, we can also tell a GOOD apple tree from a BAD apple tree because the fruit will not be rotten and bad. We all will have a bad apple in our “fruit” —none of us is perfect, but if you see more and more bad apples fall from the tree, you can pretty well see that it is a BAD tree.
Anyone can claim to be a Christian, but we should watch and see how they ACT and if we see that they are not Christ-like then maybe they are BAD APPLES.
The Apostle Paul says that “if thy brother offend thee, go talk to him privately, if he still won’t listen, go back with witnesses and talk to him, if that doesn’t make him stop his bad behavior, go to the Church, if that doesn’t get him to stop his bad behavior, then treat him as a heathen. Not even to eat with him.” (paraphrased) The point is, if they continue in their hurtful bad ways, NO CONTACT.
Lovinglem, I grew up being told that I had to “pretend it didn’t happen” when someone “offended” me or I would go to hell as I had not “forgiven” them. After all this chaos, I have read the Bible for myself and I see it with “new eyes” and I do not see anywhere that it tells me to allow someone to abuse me. Sure I ” turn the other cheek” when I refuse to fight with a psychopath and I LEAVE. I “love my neighbor” when I treat them well no matter how they treat me, but I am not commanded to associate with them.
Proverbs even tells me that “evil companions corrupt good morals” so I think I should stay away from evil people.
I see the commandments with NEW EYES and no longer look at them through the interpretation of anyone else’s opinions. No one I think has a private telephone line to God that they should tell me what God thinks, I can read the Bible for myself.
Sure, you were conned because you were INNOCENT. Just like Satan conned Eve in the garden of Eden.
tobehappy,
My ex called me to ask me how my parents and sisters were (they live on the east coast and were in the path of the storm). All I could think was “why the H*ll is he asking me that?” He never had one iota of compassion for anyone in my family. This is a man that wouldn’t even consider going with me to my nephew’s funeral and when I argued that I went to his grandfather’s funeral with him he replied, “Well, your nephew doesn’t compare to my grandfather!” Are you kidding me??? I cried my eyes out over that boy. Anyway, my guess is that his parents asked how my family fared in the storm and he didn’t want to appear callous and say what he really wanted to say which would have been, “Who the hell cares about them?” so he asked me so he could say that he asked.
Glad you got through the storm okay.
bluejay,
Your neighbor sounds like a very wise and Godly woman. I wish I had her strength of character. I grieve with hopeless despair for all that I lost and blame myself still for falling for a spath.
ox drover,
I agree completely with your biblical interpretations!! The good Lord allowed me to see those marriage verses in the New Testament with NEW EYES which finally allowed me to leave my wolf/spath/demon without fear of sinning.
I know in my head that I was conned because I am trusting, kind, genuine, etc. but still I blame myself because I should have heeded those warning signs. I truly believe that some of what we call “gut feelings” and “intuition” is God’s Spirit within us. He was trying to warn me, and protect me.
lovinglem,
it does seem like we had to pay some HIGH tuition to learn about spaths. 25.5 years in my case. Yes, it is the time that we wasted on these creatures that is most painful.
So I decided to make the most of the lessons and to make sure I “got it”. When I did that, I saw it from a different perspective. Yes, it was expensive but it was worth it. I learned that these creatures are everywhere. Even my own family. My sister, that I loved with all my heart, is one and she despises me to the point of wanting me dead. My brother, whom I had so much compassion for because of his “depression” is just a run of the mill SPATH!
To be able to spot a spath and to know what you are dealing with is a priceless gift. We have discussed here, how impossible it is to teach someone about spaths, if they haven’t experienced it. The concept just can’t be grasped. It does not compute!
But we get it. So welcome home. You’ve made it. Here’s your diploma. **skylar hands the diploma to lovinglem and moves the tassle on her head to the other side**