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Why we get hooked on unpredictable romance

Many Lovefraud readers have experienced the phenomenon of knowing that a romantic partner is unreliable and even bad for them, but they keep taking the person back. A psychiatrist explains why this happens. Blame your brain.

I heart unpredictable love, on NYTimes.com.

Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.


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29 Comments on "Why we get hooked on unpredictable romance"

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Sky, I think they can “read” us the same way we “read” them, by learning not FEELING. I do not really FEEL what my son Patrick feels, but I can read what his INTENTIONS ARE by how he ACTS.

I think he learned to “read” me and use how I responded as a way to manipulate me, but he doesn’t know how I FEEL.

EQ I think has TWO components, knowing what someone else is feeling is not the same as FEELING what someone else is feeling. The EQ part has the empathy part to be complete and the EQ of the psychopaths is only half of the equation.

We can also become more aware of our own FEELINGS which increases our EQ. We can also learn to respond more to those emotional feelings.

Being able to recognize a “love bomb” and then realizing what it is and not being sucked in by it is increasing our EQ. I realize about myself that I get sucked into a “love bomb” easily, so I need to be AWARE of it when it happens and then PROTECT myself.

Being able to “spot” a psychopath “easily” isn’t as easy as I’d like to think it is and I realize that if Robert Hare STILL gets sucked in so can I…LOL

I think this is an interesting discussion.

OxD, I think that’s what I was getting at with your recent experience with the scammers – the “lovebombing” is probably one of the first weapons that the predator reaches for in his/her arsenal. Lovebombing and the pity-ploy are both such strong empathy motivators, aren’t they?

I truly appreciate your sharing the scam experience, OxD, because it is a fair warning to everyone who is in recovery that, regardless of how much we’ve learned, we will probably always be susceptible to the tactics and we have to be on guard at all times. For me, same-gender lovebombing is a danger in my recovery. I’ve sworn off of “meaningful relationshits” with a male partner, so I’ve got the man-thing down. But, the female bonding could present a true challenge for me, and your recent experience is a serious warning for me.

I’m sorry that you were scammed, OxD. But, sharing what you experienced is priceless for me, personally.

Brightest blessings

Ox Drover…thanks

Hens… I can sooo relate to the clone thing. He did that. I almost laughed. When I pointed out he was projecting, 20 minutes later he would say I was doing that. He really couldn’t understand why the women he had been with hated him. He cheated on the one with me and she outed him. After 2 years he still wants to get even with her because she ruined his audience. The definition of insanity is him and he really doesn’t get it.

As I read more of these stories I realize that I too am hooked on a sociopath. I am a very strong independant woman. When it comes to standing up and saying enough is enough I simply look the other way and hate myself for going back every time. This man I speak about has nothing to offer me or anyone else, he has been very unpredictable since day one this was three years ago. He has a way of making me feel so worthless at times and not to mention the hurtful things he says. I promise myself over and over I will stop buying into his game. Once he makes that phone call and tells me how much he needs me and finally days later shows up at my door. I forget about all the verbal and physical pain he causes me. Once im in his arms I feel I just dont want it to end knowing once we make love and cuddle for a moment its all over, Immediately the abuse starts and he makes an excuse to leave. I feel so stupid and angry with myself because I know what to expect and only I can put an end to this horrible sociopath. So why cant I leave? I feel lost without him I know it sounds so sick but its the truth…

Hello everyone, I was just roaming the internet looking for some help and support because I am in a very unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. He has always alternated between having very extreme crazy passionate love for me and then ignoring me and being heartlessly cruel for about 3 months. The courtship was extremely over the top, he went all out to ‘woo me’. Nothing was too much. I had given up on love and was not about to take that chance again. He made it his mission to change my mind. Now, five years later, I seem to be stuck. He treats me horribly but I cannot seem to break away. I do not know who has the bigger problem, him for being a sociopath or me for staying. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I already have the book “Betrayal Bonds” and am looking forward to “Love Fraud”. Thank you,

Millie, I am sorry that you’re feeling so desperate – I identify with that feeling, completely. But, when youre “in his arms,” what is it that you believe you’re getting from him? The “making love” is an act, plain and simple. To YOU, it “feels” like lovemaking. To HIM, it’s a sex act with no more meaning than masturbating in a bus station men’s room. It’s a hard, cold reality, but it is what it is. What you are so deeply in love with is the “illusion,” and I loved an illusion for 15 years. Was I addicted to the illusion? Hell, yes, I was! The illusion made me “feel” validated, sexy, important, valued, etc…..but, the cold, hard fact was that the illusion was a con and fraud. And, I hated (still hate) that fact.

Dewnberry, welcome to LoveFraud, and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling lost. You’ve found a good site that will not only help you to learn, but help you in your recovery.

Reading books is all well and good – it puts into words what we need to know. But, a supplement to absorbing knowledge is engaging in counseling therapy with a professional who “gets it” about abuse and sociopathy. Had I not found a good, strong counselor, I think that I may have allowed my life to end, either by my own action or by proxy.

Recovering from a sociopath is unlike ANY other process that a human experiences, bar none. The carnages run the entire spectrum of the human experience: financial, sexual, emotional, physical, spiritual……we are thoroughly dismantled, on every level. IMHO, human beings are not equipped to manage the damages of sociopathic entanglements. I can read until my eyes implode, but without that face-to-face and one-on-one hard work, I would have been utterly lost. Through counseling, I learned SO much about myself and how I was such a perfect target/victim, and I couldn’t have learned this, otherwise. I also learned a number of very valuable managing techniques that I read about, but had no idea how to facilitate.

Millie & Dwenberry, neither of you are alone in this journey. Sadly, none of us were the first to be used, abused, and discarded by a spath, and not one of us is going to be the last. You’re both in the right place at the right time.

Brightest healing and comforting blessings to you both

To clarify about recovering from a sociopath: it is unlike any other human tragedy because it isn’t random. It’s not a natural disaster or random act of violence or an auto accident that occurs at a street light. The damages that victims of sociopaths experience were caused with deliberate malice, aforethought. And, this is one of the truths that I had found so hard to process.

WE – the survivors in recovery – would never, ever choose someone and take away from that person their finances, sexual identity, emotional stability, careers, or self-esteem to entertain ourselves or support a lavish lifestyle. Therefore, because our system of beliefs hold that WE wouldn’t do that to others, it is a whole-self devastation when someone that we love and trust demonstrates that they do not maintain the same system of beliefs. Our entire perspective on life, ourselves, and our place within the world is in doubt.

The most difficult aspects of recovering from spath entanglements is shifting the focus from what he/she did to ourselves – our own issues that gave the spath the open door to ruin our lives. That moment begins the true and serious recovery: it’s all about ME, not about what he did.

Brightest blessings

Dewnberry and Millie,

Welcome to Love Fraud and yes, it is difficult to get away, and it only really starts when we go NO CONTACT. Just like with cocaine you can’t “taper off” you must QUIT it completely. NO CONTACT…and that is the hard part because when you set the boundary they will make every effort to break down your door. But you must stand firm.

Blogging and reading here will help. God bless.

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