The predictions were dire. Hurricane Sandy had been stewing in the Caribbean for days. It was projected to travel up the East Coast of the United States and then make a left turn—heading directly into my home at the Jersey Shore.
A year ago, my husband, Terry, and I had heard similar warnings about Hurricane Irene. Officials were predicting a direct hit and ordered everyone to evacuate the islands along the Jersey Shore. We moved as much as we could from our ground floor, which actually goes down two steps from the sidewalk. It included the queen-sized mattress from the futon in our recreation room, the television, my husband’s drum set, tools and boxes and boxes of Lovefraud materials. Then we evacuated.
Irene came and went. Other parts of the country got smashed, but not us.
Hurricane Sandy
So when those same officials predicted that Sandy was both a hurricane and a nor’easter, the storm of a generation, promising devastation like New Jersey hadn’t seen in many years, well, Terry simply did not believe them. He didn’t think anything could be that bad.
I did. As a kid, I’d played on the beach in Sea Isle City, New Jersey, among cinder block foundations in the sand—all that remained of homes that had been swept away in a hurricane. The first street in Longport, New Jersey, was named 11th street—because 1st through 10th Streets had been consumed by the ocean. People said New Jersey was hit by killer storms every 100 years—and we were overdue.
But then I started to doubt myself. After all, I’d lived in the area for nearly 35 years, and nothing truly bad had happened. There were many scares, and most of them amounted to nothing. Still, as a journalist, I knew that there were honorable reporters who told the truth. And they were saying that even though Hurricane Irene was a dud in our area, Hurricane Sandy would be a terror.
The debate
I wanted to heed the warnings and prepare to evacuate. Terry decided he was not going to leave.
We argued. Terry said I could leave if I wanted to, but he was staying. He said nothing happened the last time, the media just wanted to scare people, local officials were just covering their butts, and the weathermen always get it wrong.
I was torn. In the end I didn’t want to leave my husband alone, so I didn’t actually agree to stay. I just stopped arguing to leave.
I started carrying our possessions from the ground floor upstairs again. Terry went shopping to buy food to ride out the storm in our home. He reluctantly helped me carry the futon mattress upstairs again. He did not move his drums. He put them on top of the empty futon frame.
The storm
The night of Sunday, October 28 wasn’t bad. We heard some wind, but it wasn’t howling. We heard rain, but it wasn’t pelting. We slept well.
But the storm was predicted to hit Monday, along with two high tides, which would be higher than normal because of the full moon. The first high tide was slated for 8 a.m. Long before 8 a.m., water started coming into our basement.
It was actually ground water, percolating up through cracks in the basement floor. We ran a Shop Vac and mopped, and were able to stay ahead of it for maybe an hour, as the bay crept up the street. Slowly, however, the water surrounded our house. Before long, there was two feet of water in the basement. We sloshed through the water, carrying up more items that hadn’t been moved, like Terry’s drums. Other items were consigned to wreckage.
The escape
I freaked out. The hurricane still hadn’t hit land yet, and the next high tide, in 12 hours, would be worse. Terry finally admitted that he was wrong; he had underestimated the danger. So when the water receded at low tide and the streets cleared, we made a run for it. We took our last chance to get out of town.
As we drove away through the rain, I asked Terry why he didn’t believe the warnings. “I’ve never experienced anything like this,” he said. “I just didn’t think it could be that bad.”
And that’s why I’m telling this story. It is an indication of how our beliefs, or lack of belief, can lead us to disregard warnings and evidence. This is how we get in trouble with sociopaths—by never having experienced anything like them, and not believing it is possible for people to actually be that bad. So we fail to act, until it’s almost too late.
Epilogue
Although our basement flooded, we made out a lot better than many other areas of New Jersey. Seaside Heights, the location for the infamous Jersey Shore reality TV show, was smashed to smithereens. The streets of many beach communities are filled with tons of wet sand, deposited by the raging ocean. And in New York, a fire wiped out a hundred homes, while firefighters, blocked by floodwaters, couldn’t reach them.
We’re back home. We have electricity, gas, telephone service and Internet, but our heater is ruined. We’ve been hauling trash out since Friday.The entire basement has to be gutted and repaired. But in the end, I am grateful that for us, Hurricane Sandy wasn’t much worse. I feel very badly for the thousands of people who suffered far worse. Below is a video from Sea Bright, New Jersey, which is near where my brothers live (and near where Bruce Springsteen lives).
[youtube_sc url=http://youtu.be/4BiWZ7w_vhM]
bluejay,
Thank you. I know good can come out of every evil thing that happens to us (Romans 8:28), and I truly want to help others who’ve been hurt by spaths. I did actually meet someone once and I instantly knew she was in danger but I didn’t know why. After a few weeks I realized she was dating a spath. She’s young (18) and had just had a baby with this guy. She was about to marry him. I prayed my heart out that she would see the truth and one day I suddenly knew that I had to call her so I did and she came over for a visit. God told me exactly what to say. It was AMAZING!!! And guess what? This young lady went home and told her mother that she was calling it off!!! They were living together at the time so she was still in danger but fortunately calling off the wedding gave her time to see his true colors. He finally moved out, but he still tries at times to get back together. I pray for this girl all the time.
And now I’ve met another young lady who may be dealing with a spath. I’m praying that the Lord will use me to help her see the truth and protect herself from this guy.
Skylar,
I never thought of it they way you said it, but you’re probably right. Surviving our spaths is probably how we earn our ability to spot these monsters. It amazes me to no small degree that people don’t see spaths when they encounter them. It really shouldn’t amaze me though because that’s how I got duped. I didn’t see it either, not until it was too late. You’re right, it does not compute. Unfortunately not even with Christian pastors and counselors. If only they understood this they could help suffering women so much more.
I’m sorry that you have spath family members. I think that would be even more painful than a spath boyfriend/husband that you could get rid of. So sorry.
lovinglem,
thank you for your sympathy, but I DID get rid of the spath sis and bro. Though I have seen them a couple of times, I do not speak with them. I give them the potted plant treatment.
My spath bro had the audacity to ask me if I was going to be mad at him for the rest of my life and I DID respond, the one time: “you don’t exist.” and I walked away.
Though they and my spath haunt my dreams at times, (like last night!) I refuse to have them in my life. Same goes for a spath uncle I have. He doesn’t exist to me.
I think the words “blood relatives” take on a whole new meaning when those relatives are spaths. Blood Relatives really means: There Will Be Blood.
Skylar,
I’m glad to hear that you got them all out of your life. Yeah, my dreams are often haunted by my ex. I hope that will go away one day.
Skylar,
Gratitude! I love it.
Athena
Tobehappy-I am so glad that you are OK. I have actually been thinking about you since before the storm hit when they were evacuating but haven’t been able to get on here. You are the only person I know that lives up there.
You know I’m from New Orleans so I can relate to what they’re going through. Everyone in New Orleans is praying for those in NJ and NY and are trying to do things to help. We got lucky with Isaac. My power was out for four days and no damage but some fallen trees and down power lines. I know people here who lost everything in Katrina and totally rebuilt and then lost it again in Isaac. It’s really hard for people.
I think of my friend next door who lost everything in Katrina and she lost all the memories from her childhood and that is hard. All those things meant so much to her.
I’m really glad that you’re ok. 🙂
Hello Elizabeth!
Funny, I was just thinking of you tonight! Maybe thats why I logged in here just now.
Thank you for your condolences. I am sure you can relate.
It’s still very shocking that this happened as no one ever expected something like this to happen in this area.
There is an overall feeling of sadness in our whole state…I have friends who have lost their summer homes..and people in town that I know that lost everything. My best friend lives in Pt Pleasant seven blocks from the boardwalk and 50% of her town is homeless. She has lived overseas with her family…in war zones…and she said she is MORE traumatized by this storm than living overseas!
People, like me, moved to South Jersey for the peacefulness of the bay and ocean….I am 15 min from Seaside and the same from Long Beach Island…where I spend most of my summer…almost everyday! That life is over.
The “bay beaches” that I ride my bike to …a few miles in from my house….are GONE! Most of the homes are gone…
I walk in my neighborhood and still see HUGE trees sitting on houses…OMG…I feel like I live where there was just a war!!!
LIfe doesn’t feel the same. I don’t feel normal yet. We are all trying to volunteer to help with donations coming in….
What an awful feeling…And to know that people are a few blocks from me living in church basements…is so sad. I feel like taking them all in…but I have a full house here. I’ve let some people use my shower and sit by the fire when even WE had no power for a few days.
How are YOU doing? I hope well..It’s been a long time and we’ve both been through so much…but it seems so long ago!
How awful for all those who suffered in Hurricane Sandy.
Yes, we all get into a comfort zone and think that can’t happen to us. For instance, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin we got tornado watch every summer. We stopped paying attention cause nothing came of it. Wasn’t until tornadoes touched down that I finally paid attention. Yet, I still wasn’t paying full attention cause while living out here…a tornado flew over our house. It touched down a block away. My son knew it was bad. He kept yelling mom we gotta get out. I could see the sun shining in the west; as the storm was moving towards the east. I said it’s over. Yeah, cause the tornado was over; my house!
Wasn’t until he robbed me of so much money that I realized he wasn’t kidding about being a cheap whore. Wasn’t until he screamed at me in front of a crowd of people that I realized he is totally nuts.
I was hot in pursuit for another man after I broke up with him. I think I was trying to FIX my mistake. and then I gave up. I was so anti-men.
Recently I met a young guy. Much younger than me. I was smitten. He seemed to be so sweet. We hung out that night. Lots of kissy kissy, but nothing else. Haven’t heard from him since Sunday and now it’s Tuesday. I did call and left message to ask if he’s ok? haven’t heard back…
I feel deflated…
I feel played
Yet this is nothing compared to losing your home. or being homeless. I gotta remember this. gotta remember that what little I have is better than losing it.
I have a dumpy mobile home on some land. The bathroom ceiling is ready to cave-in. but at least it’s in one piece for now
Jeannie812, yeah……even with ample warnings, people (including me) tend to become desensitized to the dangers, especially the “red flags” that pop up in potential relationships.
I’m sorry that you are feeling down about the young man. Just as a learning tool, the exspath is significantly younger than I am and he often crowed about how our age difference didn’t matter. Well, it really did, in retrospect. I was targeted for three reasons: money, respectability, and a “safe mommy” figure. The money was the most important aspect for the exspath – once that was gone, I was treated like a gangrenous appendage.
I can completely identify with the dwelling issue – I have no heat, no hot water, and no cookstove. What I have is walls, a roof, and a woodstove. I’ve been boiling water on top of this woodstove for bathing and cooking in a toaster oven (LOL!) and crock pot. And……I’m scavenging for firewood that was left after a regional flood that laid waste to the area because I can’t “purchase” proper seasoned firewood. But, I’m upright, breathing, and determined.
This is not to say that I don’t fall into my hours of despair and self-pity! Oh, yeah…..I throw the BEST pity-parties but I’m usually the only person in attendance. Yeah, I feel the injustice of “no fault” divorce – equitable distribution? LMAO!!!!!
Like I keep telling myself, it’s tragic, but it’s bordering on comical, now. It just keeps getting more ludicrous by the day. Oh, boy……
Have a WONDERFUL day and find that one thing to be grateful for, even if it’s the ability to boil water to make spaghetti!
Brightest blessings!
I’ve been spath-free for a little over six years. I came here when I was about two years out of a roller-coaster ride through hell, with a drug addicted, no-load, opportunist, who made his way through life by riding on the purse strings of women….still does, by the way…..he’s been through at least two others, since me.
It took a long time to process how angry and hurt I was. Then, as crazy as it sounds, when I was finally at acceptance with him, I found myself face to face with the unresolved past…..a marriage I left 17 years ago. Last winter I was up to my ears in it. During the Thanksgiving and Christmas Holidays I was obsessively thinking about the past, and I was still hurting.
It seems, now, that I have peeled that onion down to a nub. I feel ok. Hopefully I’ve reached acceptance with this old heart-ache.
I sincerely hope that no new-old onions rear their ugly heads.
I have had nary a date in six years.
I have spent my life from about 14 on, boy crazy, then man crazy….really believing that it was the “NORMAL” thing to find a man, get married and live happily ever after. Now, in my mid-fiftys, I realize that was never meant to be, for me. I married. Twice. And then spent many years between 17 and 48, miserable, and trying to get free. As soon as I was free, I’d start looking for Mr. Right, all over again.
These last six years have been everything I was avoiding by attaching to a man.
They have been the sum total of my fears….being alone, being independant, facing myself.
Now, a little bit about gratitude.
It’s hard to be grateful when your heart is broken. It’s hard to be grateful when your whole world is falling down around you.
But I remember a time when I was being evicted, and had nowhere to go. When I felt totally unloved, and despicable. I was especially despised by myself.
I could not understand how I could have let things get so far out of control…..why I could not let spath drug-addict go, and focus on myself and my life….I was addicted, or trauma-bonded, take your pick. I hit bottom, and ended up in a homeless shelter, for a little while.
Now, after 6 years on my own, I feel gratitude almost every day.
I live in a tiny little house that looks sort of cabinny…It was built in 1754, and has the area’s historical, “circa” plaque on the front door. It is one big room with a fire place in the middle, seperating the kitchen from the bedroom….and I have a small bathroom. No tub, but a roomy shower.
I have no driver’s liscence, probably never will have….DUI… hangs head in shame……….
So, after being unemployed for two years, found a humble (very humble) job, and in a few months, bought an electric bike. 🙂 Gratitude.
In a few more months, I bought a compact, portable washer and dryer. 🙂 Gratitude.
I live very humbly, but I absolutely love it. I am making my way.
Every day, I remember novels I’ve read, like, “The Good Earth” about people starving, or Ely Weiss’s “Night” about the holocast….and I realize just how much I have. I am never hungry, and I am never cold. I have a clean bed with warm blankets and a hot pot of vegitable beef soup.
I don’t go to bed anymore wondering where crack-head is, and why he doesn’t want to come home, I’m not afraid of being evicted, or having the electricity being cut off.
I’m not going to bed, suspicious that X hub is F-ing his hair-twiling, gum-snapping teen-age heart-throb. Ahhhh, no.
I am making my way. Without black-eyes, and busted lips, without a sore heart. Yep. Gratitude. I’m ok.
Kim Frederick…….100% pure inspiration, and a really, REALLY loud:
TOWANDA!!!!!!!
Your experiences, along with everyone else’s, gives me a dose of determination, courage, and reslove that I desperately need at the precise time I need it.
Brightest blessings, and thank you for such an inspiring and encouraging post….