Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Laverne.”
I feel that my life has been basically ruined (and is still being ruined) by the father of my children who is a truly vicious sociopath. He stalks the background of my life like the Grim Reaper feeding off the misery he causes.
For anyone who has not had this type of experience it is very hard to explain, as sociopaths, such as my ex partner, appear so ‘normal’ to others, whilst making you, the victim, seem like the ‘mad’ one.
As we have children together I feel like I am trapped and the only way out is if he were to die. My whole existence is one of nervous terror – waiting for the next outburst – which you never know is coming. Literally anything can trigger it off – such as me talking in the wrong tone of voice or with the wrong expression on my face.
Apart from the effect this has on my children – which I do try to shield them from, the stress and trauma to me will probably take years off the end of my life.
What doesn’t help is other people thinking I am ‘making it up’ or ‘attention seeking’ whenever I am highly traumatized and unable to contain my emotions. I truly feel even my close friends and family don’t realise how bad the situation is, so I have nowhere to turn really.
People saying ‘try to get along for the sake of the children’ doesn’t help – because it is simply impossible. I have felt, many times, that the only way to be taken seriously would be to commit suicide – which I would never do because of my children and, of course, that would play into his hands and prove that I was as ‘mad’ as he says I am! He would probably (definitely) enjoy the fact that he had pushed me over the edge too.
The truth is that I am not, and never have been mad – just stressed and traumatized because of him. I am scared of him and walk around on eggshells all the time – and this seeps into every aspect of my life whether he is actually there or not.
I am very nervy now and cry very easily. Whenever I have tried to get help I have felt the authorities have ‘turned’ on me and taken his side, as he is very manipulative, calm and collected, whereas I tend to go to pieces under pressure.
For that reason I just take the abuse rather than (for example) call the police, as they will then refer me to Social Services, who last time said I was an unfit mother and my children could be taken from me.
All this based on ‘his word against mine’ during a half hour session – when the truth is that I am a great Mum and have nothing in my life except my kids – and they really are everything to me! I never went back for ‘help’ after that.
The hurt and frustration I feel every day is immeasurable – and then I feel guilty when I see the news and people in the world who are worse off than me.
Basically my life, my thoughts and emotions, are consumed by someone who is never happier than when I am upset.
Why someone wants to hurt the only people in their lives who ever cared about them is beyond me. Horrible, awful experience, which I wouldn’t wish on anyone else and which isn’t going to go away any day soon for me because he is their Father ”¦ and my tormentor ”¦ and that’s how he likes it.
Laverne, lots of Hugs to you hon. What you are describing is extremely common for victims who have children with a ex sociopath. Sociopaths know exactly what they are doing to manipulate others into their con game to shift the blame to the victim and away from them (sadly people buy their lies)…they are always the calm ones while the push the victim’s buttons to have them come unglued everything the do is to get a rise out of the victim and to make the victim look “crazy” sociopaths love this game….if society only knew the truth they too would be shocked how many times they have been conned by a evil sociopath.
First for your health: A high percentage of victims have PTSD which sadly goes undiagnosed because doctors do not ask if the patient was in a toxic relationship. According to Dr Wilson adrenal fatigue expert states that if you have PTSD you have adrenal fatigue. The adrenal glands regulate the bodies blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol and adrenaline levels (fight or flight response mode) and over 50 hormones…
continual stress such as a toxic relationship will cause the adrenal glands to work to hard and as a result the burn out causing all the things listed above to get out of balanced. The adrenal glands are HUGE deal but are over looked by most doctors because of lack of education on these extremely important glands.
Some symptoms of adrenal fatigue (its a long list) anxiety, panic attacks, brain fog, not able to handle stress, crying, depression, hair loss, weight gain or loss etc etc (see the sites I posted for their symptoms list)
Once you balance your adrenal glands your life will be much calmer. The sociopath intentionally keeps pushing their victims buttons over and over because they know that it will cause you to have a stress breakdown (adrenal fatigue) and they love this aspect of controlling their victims very scary to think what they intentionally do to control people…sociopaths intentionally cause their victims to have high anxiety because Why? because it is easier to control their victims. Most victims that leave a sociopath (if not all) are hypervigelant (high anxiety)
I would recommend that you go to Dr Wilson’s site adrenalfatigue. org and take his questionnaire to see how your adrenal glands are functioning plus see his symptoms list/read. Also see Drlam. com, Mialundin. com read her book and see her you tube videos plus just google “adrenal fatigue”.
To heal your adrenal glands you will need a very clean diet such as Dr Fuhram’s Eat to live book (it works wonders seriously) and google “Dr fuhrman PBS you tube” to watch how food heals the body. Also you will need vitamins/minerals such as Dr Wilsons (my doctor gave me his adrenal vitamins 2 am, 1 at noon, 1 at 2:30, 2 at bed time), plenty of rest & relaxation, sleep and hormonal balancing (no big deal cream or pills).
I would suggest you find a good hormonal specialist to deal with your adrenal gland issue (PTSD) to find a good hormonal specialist ask friends and/or google “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors and/or see adrenalfatigue. org for a list of doctors. This is the missing link to heal from a abusive relationship. Within a few weeks you will see a profound change in your stress level, thinking, and how you handle stress…these things really do work. I have no affilation with any of the sites listed above.
So that you know you are not alone in your fight with a sociopath after you leave check out the site Onemomsbattle. com and their facebook page…there is over 13,000 mothers who are dealing with the same stress you are after leaving their abuser. If you do not have a facebook page or do…open a new fake email acct and then a new fake facebook page this way you can speak freely without your ex seeing what you write or his friends/family. Additional facebook pages After narcissistic abuse and Psychopathfree.
In addition google “no contact rule narcissist” and “low contact rule narcissist” to learn to set boundaries with your ex regarding your children.
Only accept email from him no text or phone calls ever unless an emergency and if your kids are old enough do not engage with him in person ever…if your kids are young and you need to walk them to his car make sure you have a witness with you at all times or meet at a public place with cameras such as McDonald etc.
Do not talk with him just pass the kids off and leave. Everything needs to be in email form only this way you have it for the court should you need to go back to court. Do not answer emails the same day this way you can think about what you want to write back and you can keep your emotions out of the email back again for court matters if need be.
These things will keep your stress level down tremendously. Setting boundaries is vitally important when dealing with a sociopath you must take back your power and control the situation when dealing with a sociopath…at first he will not like that you are taking your power back and will rant/rage so be careful. ALso make sure that you keep your emails to your ex on point only do not engage with him especially if he sends you a raging ranting email ie You can pick the kids up at 5 pm…just ignore his anger as has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his unhealthy brain function (literally).
Wishing you all the best!! Take care
From DrLam. com symptoms of adrenal fatigue:
“…Not everyone has all of the symptoms or conditions listed below. The number varies from person to person, but if you take a step back and look from afar, they collectively paint a picture of a body under threat. The higher the prevalence or intensity of the items listed below, the higher the chances that you may have Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome.”
Unable to fall asleep despite being tired
Wake up in the middle of the night for no reason
Heart palpitations at night or when stressed
Low Blood pressure consistently
Low libido and lack of sex drive
Low thyroid function, often despite thyroid medications
Feeling of hypoglycemia though laboratory values are normal
Depression, often unresolved after anti-depressant
Endometriosis
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Uterine fibroids
Fibrocystic breast disease
Hair falling off for no reason
Irritable under stress
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Feeling “wired” and unable to relax
Feeling of adrenaline rushes in the body
Fogging thinking
Inability to handle stress
Waking up feeling tired in the morning after night’s sleep
Feeling tired in the afternoon between 3:00 and 5:00 pm
Inability to take in simple carbohydrate
Coffee needed to get going in the morning and throughout the day
Coffee, tea or energy drinks triggering adrenaline rush and adrenal crashes
Feeling tired between 9:00 and 10:00 PM, but resists going to bed
Craving for fatty food and food high in protein
Craving for salty food such as potato chips
Dry skin more than usual
Unexplained hair loss that is diffuse
Exercise helps first, but then makes fatigue worse
Chemical sensitivities to paint, fingernail polish, plastics
Electromagnetic force sensitivity, including cell phone and computer monitors
Delay food sensitivity, especially to diary and gluten
Unable to get pregnant, requiring IVF
Post partum fatigue and depression
Recurrent miscarriages during first trimester
Abdominal fat accumulation for no apparent reason
Temperature intolerance, especially to heat or sunlight
Dysmenorrhea advancing to amenorrhea
Premature Menopause
Constipation for no apparent reason
Joint pain of unknown origin
Muscle mass loss
Muscle pain of unknown reason
Cold hands and feet
Premature aging skin
Inability to concentrate or focus
Psoriasis of no known reason
Gastritis despite normal gastroscopy
Low back pain with no history of trauma and normal examination
Dizziness for no known cause
Fructose mal-absorption
Tinnitus (ringing in the ear) chronically
Numbness and tingling in extremities bilaterally
Mouth sores recurrent
Short of breath even though breathing is fine
Ovarian cyst
Breast cancer associated with estrogen dominance
Grave’s disease
Hashimoto’s thyroiditis
Legs that feel heavy at times
Dark Circle under eyes that does not go away with rest
Loss of healthy facial skin tone color
Body feel tense all over and unable to relax
Postural orthostatic tachycardia
Irritable Bowl Syndrome, with more constipation then diarrhea
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome unimproved with medicine
Fibromyalgia unresolved after conventional help
Systemic Candida that gets worse when under stress
Electrolyte imbalance despite normal laboratory values
Irregular Menstrual Cycle that “stops and go”
Lyme Disease but unable to fully recover after medication or intolerance to drugs
H Pylori Infection in the past and was told resolved but never feel the same since
Heavy metal and mineral toxicity may mimic AFS
I thought it was just menopause, and it was him that was making me sick the whole time…….since I have lost 220 pounds of prime s-path meat I am a much happier person. I used to be so self-conscious of myself I would be physically ill. I treaded water basically every day afraid to do something wrong to set him off…..I couldnt even BREATHE right to satisfy that man! I thank god every day I dont have to deal with him as well as being in fear he will somehow make his way back into my life as he tries just about every other day. NO CONTACT is the best rule to live by and the only way to overcome having an s-path in ones life.
I had to chuckle about the breathing comment. I too was raged at for breathing too loudly. My favorite ridiculous offense was having the wrong facial expression while rinsing my dinner plate.
lol my most memorable cut was, “Why don’t you get your head out of your ass, and see how much I LOVE you?”
huh? 🙂
ok sure.
ps get tested for Cortisol levels (see Adenalfatigue. org for saliva test info), vitamin/mineral deficiency testing, and hormonal imbalance testing.
Hey, Jan…. Ive only got one adrenal gland!! They took my left one when I lost my kidney in ’94. Thanks. for listing the symptoms for adrenal fatigue… Ive just ordered natural supplements to aid in my bodys coping mechanism. Dealing with an Spath is hard enough the way it IS!!! I LOVE the info and support from everyone on this site! AWESOME DISPLAY OF LOVE HERE…
Hi Debbie, your welcome…glad I could pass along some info. Wishing you all the best in your healing!
I was taken aback when I read about PTSD, but it fits. So does the adrenal fatigue, as I suffered from a high percentage of the symptoms listed above. I found acupuncture helped as well.
I found that changing my mind from ‘trying to get along’, to ‘protecting myself at all times’ helped me tremendously. I was then able to focus on ways to keep myself safer and that enabled me to get healthier. It was a long process and he worked diligently to convince me that I was crazy, using the same tactics you mentioned above.
The good news is, once you get healthy and can learn to protect yourself, you’ll find ways that prevent him from manipulating you. That will render you ‘no fun’ to torment. At some point, he will lose interest. The bad news is that he may lose interest in the children as well, which can be difficult for them to understand. Or, as in my case, the children see him for what he really is and won’t miss the chaos.
I know you don’t see an end in sight at the moment, but there is one. You can survive this, him, and move on with your life. Protect yourself, get healthy, and learn the ways to prevent him from manipulating you. Once you’re strong, he’ll be no match for you and he’ll move on to someone else to torment.
Be strong. Move forward. Protect yourself.
Hi Teepee1124, I am not surprised that PTSD/Adrenal fatigue fits your situation. I personally think that every victim of a sociopath has PTSD/Adrenal fatigue on some level..some less because of less time spent with a sociopath and some more because of years spent with a sociopath.
Our society thinks that it’s either a mental issue or a physical issue when someone is sick whether mentally sick or health sick…but it’s both when it comes to health/mindset and it is combination when it comes to dealing with the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath. Counselors especially think this way.
Why a combination? because a sociopath keeps their victims on constant edge, creates constant chaos and drama and prevents the victim from having any down time or good sleep. This constant stress effects the victims nerves system (adrenal glands) and mind. When someone experience stress their stress hormones rise and then fall with a sociopathic relationship your stress hormones (cortisol and and adrenaline) are constantly elevated (along with all your other hormones) plus your blood pressure is constantly high, your blood sugar is not regulated properly, cortisol & adrenaline levels and over 50 hormones are out of balanced this in return makes you mindset off…ie you end up in a brain fog and can not make proper decisions ie to leave your abuser. Once the victim gets their body in balance again their mind set will be balanced again.
I wish there was some way you could leave with your kids. I wonder if leaving without your kids might be the thing to do. I don’t know if I could do that tho myself. NOW at this point, I know it might be the best thing but going thru it at the time…I doubt I could have.
YET
getting you healthy, which will never happen while you are daily tormented and scandalously abused, is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing. Your kids will never be well without you, their mom, well. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Your spirit has taken quite a beating. For a long long long time.
It’s the analogy of the oxygen mask in an airplane—put it on urself first so you can help others then. If you don’t put it on you first, you will collapse trying to help others and then they will also collapse as they were depending on you. FOR YOUR KIDS, you need to get help, you to get out and that might mean leaving them if no one will believe you and make him let you take them.
However
it’s a big risk.
I am so truly sorry for your pain. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
The freedom of not being abused, on an hourly basis sometimes, is absolutely HUGE. I cannot overstate how important it is for your mental health to not have to endure the abuse any longer. I have a terrible life. Im not going to lie. BUT ITS TEN THOUSAND TIMES BETTER THAN WHAT IT WAS WITH THE SICKO. All the fears I had about leaving WERE indeed true. And I would do it again in a *heartbeat*.
Much cyberlove sent your way, “Laverne”.
I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have never heard of adrenal fatigue. I’m going to look into it.
Dear Laverne,
Please know how your words have healed me.
May you receive healing too, by knowing I am in the same place.
Please, do hang on!!! and know how much you’ve helped me do so too.
Just by writing your post that to me read as follows: “Dear No Contact, You Are Not Alone.”
Gratefully, n/c