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By | November 26, 2014 49 Comments

I still can’t believe he convinced me to stay

Editor’s Note: This Spath Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call
“Peggy-Elizabeth.”

Spath TalesI met him in 1997 and eloped in 1998.

Even though that little voice inside told me not to, I still married him. I found that I took my vows more seriously than he EVER did.

He’s cheated on me since day one. He’s lied, cheated, stolen money, forged checks, pawned all of MY belongings, used my credit cards, gave my clothes to girlfriends and only he knows what else.

Obviously, I didn’t know all this then but I had my suspicions, yet when I began distancing myself again, the story of him being a victim of child molestation emerged. This caused a major rift in his family, and now being his wife, of only weeks at this point, I felt I couldn’t abandon him.

Besides, I did love him, or at least that person he made himself out to be.

We moved time after time after time, from one job to another. Something I didn’t mind in the beginning. Being a cancer survivor, it gave me a chance to see the world. Besides, he was very good at his job (restaurant manager).

Yet I started to see another side. A side I didn’t like. Whenever I called him out on it, things got physical. He almost drowned me at my Grandmother’s house in the bathtub. All I could think of was she couldn’t find me this way.

I still can’t believe he convinced me to stay with him after that. He didn’t lay a hand on me after that, not until things began to deconstruct again three years later.

Not long after that two year financial fiasco, and after I thought my cancer had returned, I discovered the hard way that the trouble he had told me about in his early twenties wasn’t over.

There were actually warrants still out for his arrest. How he worked at some of the places he did, ie: Trump Towers; Watergate Hotel; and how they didn’t find out baffled me.

That was at the same time my identity was stolen. Ironically, by my father’s long lost nephew who was in his 50’s (Another sociopath). Con man was his middle name. Probably still is.

With my husband now in jail, I reported my cousin to the FBI as well as Social Security, since they were using my identity, not my credit, not yet anyway. As I look back now, I do not believe my “Husband” was a victim too as he claimed, but more an accomplice. It only makes sense.

I did stand by him and after he did his time in jail, we did start over.

However, nothing was ever the same. With the exception of one time at the very beginning of our marriage, anytime I started working, he would suddenly be unemployed or be unable to gain employment. Constantly calling me on my cell or at my work. He even called my boss one time. Telling her he broke into my place ( I had thrown him out and changed the locks) and was threatening suicide. I wish my boss called 911 instead of telling me and letting me go home.

It wasn’t long after that, he attacked me when I wouldn’t give him the keys to my car. Unable to walk and now on the verge of losing my job, I conceded and left with him to the next venture.

EVERYTHING was my fault, more so than before. Making me fully aware and pay the price with mental, physical and emotional abuse.

Part of me wanted to leave but I don’t really have anybody besides my fur kids (two cats, three dogs), which he would threaten constantly.

I tried to get help several times but to no avail. He has left me twice more holding the bag with everything in my name — since his credit is horrendous.

The last time I asked for a divorce was after he took a job in Nashville, TN in July 2012. I was remaining with relatives. Figuring the four hours and hundreds of miles was enough to keep me safe. Never mind the truck being unregistered and uninsured.

Yet to get even with me, he charged on my credit cards, unauthorized, and he didn’t even have the card.

I was unable to press charges because we are MARRIED.

Never mind he was no longer in the state so I was unable to get help through any domestic violence program.

Not even legal aid could help since I am staying with relatives and they count their income as mine. Unless of course I either lie, or give up my fur kids and go to a homeless shelter. They are all I have and if it were not for them, I fully believe I wouldn’t be here. They gave me the courage and strength I needed to finally stand up to him. I honestly feel that I owe my life to them. They’re my family and all I have.

I can honestly attest that he does in fact have ALL the traits listed on Lovefraud, at least in my opinion. I am not out for vengeance; I only want to move on and help others from having to go through what I did and still am today.

 


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Peggy-Elizabeth – yours is such a classic case of sociopathic abuse. I am so sorry for your experience. Thank you for sharing.

angelina

Peggy Elizabeth…. thank you so much for your story.
I can relate so much and….

all I have in life is my kitty cat. I do not think Id survive without her either. God bless our animals.

xoxoxx

angelina

Hello everyone…. I have been this fabulous sight before…. but I am in need of support again.
I need reassurance… that when the abuser abandons you… it is NOT B/C I deleted innocent text messages to a friend in my phone.

it is not healthy for a 45 year old man to want all my passwords…. and look through my cell phone.. literally… all day long. always searching searching searching that I am lying or cheating and I swear to God…. I never ever ever would have… it is not part of who I am. Not even a desire. I was 100 percent dedicated. committed. In love.

and I took care of him with a broken let for two months. a huge guy..
he can walk now…
lived with me…. a fireman… said he had not money… and b/c he went thru my phone like a madman.. TMOBILE…. cannot even figure out how he tracked my activity the way he did…
IT IS NOT MY FAULT HE PACKED UP IN A MINUTES NOTICE… B/C HE did not like that I deleted some innocent text messages!

I blame myself…b/c he blames me.

he just told my coworkers Sat that we were getting engaged..

I took care of his kids. Loved them like my own.

but no one should demand your phone every min, right?
or put sound notitication on it… when I did not want sound notification b/c I can et in trouble at my job…
but he did it… b/c whenever it made a noise.. me would go run to it… or make me hand phone over!
my facebook.. which I have now closed.
my emails.
my calls
and my texts.

I am in shock and very saddened and alone and scared. sorry to be all over the place.

if anyone can help support me… and honestly…. do not just say it to please me…
can I please get support that his behavior with my phone was abusive and abnormal.

If I so much went to Starbucks alone at 6 am… he made me take a photo of myself at Starbucks. or Doc’s offices.. or the store…. or where ever I was.
he would show up unannounced at my job. not make noise when he walked in my office… I would jump… startled… but he did these things/// bc he was always always thinking I was up to something bad.
I have never cheated in my life.

I do not sleep around.

thank you….. can anyone relate?

love to all of you.

I am alone in a new state …. and was told today that this particular part of the country in notorious for spaths… conartists….. etc. wow. I have NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS HERE.

trying my best….

I need love and support and hope right now. I am so scARED and alone.

and…..
HE HAS TOLD HIS MOM… WHO ADORED ME…. HIS KIDS AND HIS EXWIFE THAT I WENT CRAZY… ETC.!!!!!

I so want to contact them.. tell them the truth….
but….
therapist… friend… sister… saying not to. I WILL LOok crazy and they have known him longer. and who cares what they think!

okay…. Ill stop for now. thank you.

angelina

Dear LF…

I just reread my entry from last night and I am embarrassed by the typos. I was sooooo upset.. wish I could edit it.. ugh….

AnnettePK

Hi Kittylover,

I hope you feel better this morning. I relate to what you wrote and how you feel. I think you expressed yourself very well in that post, no need to be embarrassed. I am sorry you were so upset, and glad you came here with your experience and feelings.

Spaths want us to feel angry, distraught, desperate, and in pain. That’s a big part of why they do what they do. They trick us into focusing on the details and trying to make things right; but it is impossible because they just turn everything around on us no matter what we do. The only way to ‘win’ is to get out and have nothing to do with them whatsoever. And to try as best we can not to let them take any more of our time, energy, thoughts, health, love, etc.

Take care.

Anna22

Annette,

It is very comforting to read all your words of support.

Kittylover,

I can relate to what you’ve gone through. Reading your entry, I just want yell “Leave him now!” Go “No Contact” and start the process of healing. A friend sent me this and I found it helpful. http://letmereach.com/2013/12/11/the-no-contact-7-day-challenge-quitting-your-narcissist/

It’s been three weeks since I left (though truthfully, I choreographed the breakup so he would feel like he initiated it)and wow it is still an emotional process. I shipped his belongings to him (he lives 20 minutes away) so I wouldn’t have to see him again.

I too cannot believe I let myself be treated so poorly and chipped away at every day. I spent months trying to get back to the bliss that I experienced in the beginning. It’s hard to comprehend that this person basically thought of me as an object, a fill-in-the-blank and never loved me and didn’t care that he hurt me. It’s so hard to comprehend, that it can be tormenting.

I was already on the path to distancing myself and figuring out how to break up when a friend sent me this link: http://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/07/21/five-powerful-ways-abusive-narcissists-get-inside-your-head/ This describes my relationship to a “T.” Lots of great advice and information there too.

What has helped me a lot (though it ebbs and flows because I’ve spent the morning crying because it is such a mind $#@%!) is thinking about him in a different category. He’s not really a peer, or emotional equal, he’s not even really a fully formed human being. He is a very damaged, poisonous individual and I cannot take him seriously.

I hope this helps you in some way. Thank you for sharing your story. There is nothing more important than your happiness. Letting go is one of the most difficult things to do in your life, but letting go is choosing yourself!

You are strong and can take good care of yourself! I wish you all the best. You are not alone!

-Anna

angelina

Anna…… Thank you soooooooooo much.

I have tried to keep busy all day….. but this sadness consumes me. he said we would never ever be apart.
I guess I should have known when he check my underwear before after I came home from a day at work at my senior community where I am a music and exercise therapist! he said he wanted to be sure I hadn’t had s-x with any of the physical therapists or doctors. What??????
about to check out the sight you have posted and thank you dearly. I have had no contact with him since he left. and he has not either. because I am a liar, remember? OMG>

I have never ever been one to do drugs.. never have and I do not drink at al b/c I simply don’t like the taste of alcohol and I am so small one drink puts me to sleep.

but right now…. I wish I could just go numb. Not feel this agony of pain. Not miss him. Not ache for the person he pretended to be. holding me. always telling me how talented and beautiful I am.
I would play my Yamaha keyboard in my little apartment and he loved to listen.

Help me Dear Lord. Dear Universe. Dear love… please.

xoxoxoxoxo

angelina

oH MY GOSH Anna…. I just read the article you posted about the five powerful ways they get into your head. I literally was reading… word for word what this callous loser did to me. He even abandoned me in public!
very very helpful article. thank you sooooooo much.

pure evil.

AnnettePK

Sadly, my experience is that trying to convince anyone of the truth about the spath doesn’t work and often backfires. I don’t blame others for being deceived by my ex spath because I was once deceived just like they were and I would not have believed someone who told me the truth about him.

As best you can, try to construct healing for yourself without involving others. I had to eliminate some people from my life.

angelina

thank you Annette.

I have just come home alone to my little apartment with my cat and a bowl of Frutie Pebbles at my age of 44.

Today at work… I work in a senior community…
two nurses took me aside and asked why I have lost such a drastic amount of weight this week. They are worried.

it’s from the shock of this. I just cant believe this. I took care of this man for two months straight as he had a broken hip. let him move in with me.

now he is gone b/c he did not like that I deleted text messages? and I did not even remember if I had written these innocent messages or not.

can someone reach out to me.. PLEASE!

I am an intelligent woman. Why do I feel this is my fault… when… as my psychologist said yesterday… “It is not your fault. He is mentally ill.”

why oh why do I think this is my fault?

He would take my phone every day.
emails
facebook.

all hours of night.

he put it on sound notification against my will… b/c whenever it went off..
he would run to my phone to see who had contacted me. Or he would make me give him my phone.

If I did not bring my phone in from my car for a meal at a restaurant….he would act suspicious and say I was hiding something!

someone… please reach out to me.

thank you.

AnnettePK

Hi Kittylover,

A restful evening with your cat and a bowl of cereal doesn’t sound too bad. It sounds like you are experiencing PTSD from the betrayal and abusive behavior of your ex. PTSD is a normal reaction to abnormal treatment. It might help you to read some things about it if you’re up to it. I relate what you’re going through, it’s a horror, but it does get better. It is difficult to have to go through the motions of a normal day when you’re in a state of shock and no one understands. The injustice of it all hurts a lot.

Are you safe from him now? It sounds like you are doing a good job taking care of yourself – seeing a counselor and getting to work, eating as well as you can.

The details of what he was blaming you for and abusing you over don’t make sense; this is his crazy making behavior. It would not matter what you did or did not do; spaths do what they want and blame their victims.

Take care.

AnnettePK

It also sounds like you’re experiencing cognitive dissonance, which is a normal response to his gaslighting and other abuse. You know intellectually that he is blaming you for no reason, but you feel on some level that you’re responsible for his behavior. It is likely that he has been doing everything in his power to make you feel that it’s all your fault.
You know that he was not acting right to you, you know he is crazy and evil, and that he does not care about your well being nor does he care about being honest. He probably did a lot of things to get you to trust him at first, so the truth is an unbelievable shock.

angelina

Can someone understand… my friends and fam don’t wawant to hear it… hut… I MISS HIM TERRIBLY.
That makes no sense.. he left me for his obsession w my phone. He did this three months ago also and that was before I let him move in w me Bc he broke his leg. I took care of him for over 2 months.
But nooooo one understands… I MISS THE OTHER JERRY. NOT THE DR JECKL who popped out the other night and treated me like a criminal..
but the sensitive.. . Affectionate .. fun..sweet.. committed partner who told my friends he 2as Goin to propose to me Christmas morning. The one who cried ONE DAY BEFORE when he showed me a beautiful song that expressed his love for me.

I miss him. I admit. He lied to police.. he’s a fireman… said I woulldnt give him his things and that I….. all 110 pounds of me… attacked him. HE IS SIX FEET FIVE 245 POUNDS .

Help…. please. How do I grieve him… and not blaming myself for making the love of my life run away Bc I deleted innocent text messages in my own phone
Km on my phone in psychiatrists office. Excuse typos.

Kittylover – what you are experiencing is the addiction of the relationship. Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. Disengaging from them must be treated like overcoming an addiction.

I wrote about this a few weeks ago – maybe it will help you

http://www.lovefraud.com/2014/11/24/why-relationships-with-sociopaths-are-so-addictive/

angelina

about to click it…

thank you so much Donna. So much.

AnnettePK

I struggled with feeling loss about my ex spath. A wise friend told me that I miss who he said he was. That was a helpful thought for me.
You were deceived into thinking he cared about your well being and would keep his promises. You are normal and you bonded to who he said he was. If you had known what he was capable of and that he does not care about you, you would not have bonded with him. You would not have given your love to him.
You have a great loss to grieve, but it is not the loss of who he really is. You have lost what he deceived you into thinking he was. It is a great loss, because not only have you lost your future with him, you have lost the times you spent with him, because now you know it was all a lie. It was not what he deceived you into thinking it was.
He did not leave you because you deleted texts. He left you because he felt like it. He always planned to leave you, and anyone else he will ever fake a relationship with when he feels like it, when he’s not getting whatever he is exploiting you for. He just blames his choice to leave on you, which is a lie.
It is a difficult and unbelievable reality to accept. It is a great loss and a shock to your entire being.
Keep taking good care of yourself; you will feel better.

angelina

Thank you annette. Wow

jenni marie

hi Kittylover,

AnnettePK is telling it like it is. Please believe her. I’m sorry you had to deal with such a phone freak SP and hope you see it as the petty thing it is and that it’s not your fault he is a freak.

I think you know that deleted texts are miniscule and meaningless compared to the big picture. LF can help you a lot when LF peeps like AnnettePK post.

He was just an illusion, that you made up, in your own mind, with the bait he hooked you with and it wasn’t your fault, but it was your hopefulness that he preyed on.

Whatever we were thinking the SP was that enamored us, wasn’t the truth, which makes it a lie. Lies cause pain. Is it not painful to be with this disordered human? Yes, it is and it’s because the SP isn’t ‘The Truth’. He is one BIG LIE, and deep down we know it. Somewhere deep down we really really know it! Believe me. Believe yourself.

If you haven’t already noticed that something is ‘off’ with the SP’s view of the world and of those around him you soon will, and that’s when the logical thinking part of your mind that is telling you something is wrong with him will start having a tug-of-war with the feelings that you have for him in your heart that are telling you that you love him, and to not give up on him. -It’s a loose definition of cognitive dissonance-please forgive me. The logical part of your mind must win this tug-of-war if you are ever going to be free of the pain the SP is causing you. He is abusing you.

If you HAVE noticed that he truly is as mean and mind-twisted as his own actions and words have shown him to be, I beg you to pat yourself on the back and give yourself permission to give up on the SP. The only way to solve a problem is to first identify the problem, and as you have seen with your SP, they don’t admit to having a problem in the first place, let alone one that needs ‘fixing’. YOU cannot solve HIS problem, and he will never be the man you made him up to be.

AnnettePK has posted the cold hard blessed truth, and I’ll be the first to admit that hearing the truth and convincing ourselves to finally believe the truth about the SP, is the most difficult thing we have to do regarding SP’s, right before we decide to go No Contact. Sometimes, like it did for me, it takes several ‘No Contacts’, until we cannot lie to ourselves any more and the SP is forbidden from your life and heart forever—On Purpose. It’s not easy, but it is doable. I promise.

It’s not easy to give up on someone that you think you love, and I know it’s not our first choice, obviously, because why else would we have spent so long trying to talk some sense into the SP about any of the relationship issues we were having and how much his/her behavior was hurtful and unacceptable, only to be blamed for being too sensitive, too jealous, too suspicious, too dumb, too untrustworthy, too bitchy, too close-minded, etc…but it’s the only logical thing to do if he is hurting you. Believe it.

Choose yourself this time. You’ll be glad that you did.
He will be AS HE IS Forever, so I suggest that you do not allow yourself to feel sorry for him for long, when those types of thoughts pop into your mind as they might. He IS fake. He was fake with you. He will always be fake. It’s time to admit it. The shame is on Him.

No Contact. It’s the only way to start feeling better and less unhappy.

Finally, I just want to say that the SP has attempted to take everything they could from our souls, and that they would take away our ability to breathe if they could as well, so be your own best friend and get yourself away from him before you end up wasting any more of YOUR life. Believe it. Breathe in spite of him 🙂

wishing you well,

Peace,

~Jenni

angelina

Jenni…. I do not know how to thank you enough for this email.
I awed.

and Annette…. the same…..

ya’ll are my lifeline right now.

THANK YOU.

AnnettePK

You are so welcome! I went through what you are experiencing – it is the worst nightmare, but it does get better. You will be ok.

undertheradar

Kittylover

I’m hoping you are finally starting to see the truth with the posts from AnnettePK and jenni but thought I’d just add some valuable information from my experience…

After my investigation of my spath this became the truth behind his actions; if my husband accused me of anything, he was hiding the same allegation = if I was accused of it he was doing it and all to throw off suspicion! I came to understand that he was subconsciously giving up himself but during times of defending myself, I was to busy and in a state of confusion to realise the truth behind his actions.

So please don’t ever think you are guilty of something as innocent as deleting text messages because I delete some text message feeds to make room for more = innocent! Why does he do it?… hopefully next time you’re in a situation like this you’ll know to immediately turn to his phone and then you’ll have your proof. I had to become him, mimic his actions and allegations to find the truth.

I do hope this helps but mostly I hope you never get put in this position again.

AnnettePK

My ex P also did a lot of this projection. Almost all of what he accused me and others of doing, he was doing it himself. Not very original and totally crazy, but it’s a tactic that seems to work for the spaths.

Hopefully, none of us will ever have to be in one of these situations again, because we’re all able to do NC.

angelina

thank you sooooooo much. I wish I could give you all a hug.

AnnettePK

Hugs to you, too!

undertheradar

Hugs from me to x

angelina

you all are so wonderful I do not know what to say. I am actually on my way to Starbucks alone right now we’re just last week he held me. I truly cannot believe this has happened. One neighbor just came out and said she was concerned about me. She knows nothing about what happened. But she said she noticed that I’ve gotten very skinny. I am on my way to Starbucks we are just days ago he held me and told me he could not wait until we got married. Now I’m listening to Christmas carols and drinking my coffee alone this is unteal. I took care of this 65 firefighter on my own for two months after he broke his leg and now he can walk again. He told me he had no money and the fire department was not paying for his sick days. 19 dollars an hour as a music therapist with Alzheimer’s patients. How can this be happening how can there be people like this in the world

angelina

you all are so wonderful I do not know what to say. I am actually on my way to Starbucks alone right now we’re just last week he held me. I truly cannot believe this has happened. One neighbor just came out and said she was concerned about me. She knows nothing about what happened. But she said she noticed that I’ve gotten very skinny.

angelina

LF friends…

I just came across a poem I had written him back in Sept. when he was nuts about my phone. all would be well and boom… went in my phone… accusations… paranoia, etc.
so I wrote this poem…
which prompted him to go to therapist. I asked him to read it to therapist… so that therapist good see a bird’s eye view of his behavior.
the therapist said… you need to be on major meds and sent him to a shrink. and also added that I sounded like a keeper. 🙂

I hope you do not mind my sharing this with you… but it shows that back in sept. I confronted him on all of it… and with love…. and it did nothing. he never went on the meds. he moved in with me afer breaking his leg. started walking two weeks ago.. and now he is gone b/c I deleted texts in my phone.
since this writing was solely to him… you may not understand inside jokes and references… like my purple toes… cuz we had gotten pedicures together and of course mine was purple…
can any of you relate?
thank you so much… please check out my poem…

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Megan Basile
Date: Wed, Sep 24, 2014 at 8:03 AM
Subject: poem
To: Megan Basile

Last night I played piano after sharing sloppy Joes…
with a man I love and treasure right down to my purple toes.

I read my man a prayer, about Source and hope and light,

we slurped up minty ice cream

as we laughed into the night.

our weekend was a treasure… I could not have asked for more

Delray Beach… a pedicure… great clothes from a thrift store…

we even saw a movie and although it was not good…

we enjoyed our time together…

the way folks in love should.

I laughed so hard at Chick Fila..

when he talked then saw a “squirrel”…

I squeezed his hand in gratitude…

I’m s such a lucky girl!

So how is it that darkness comes….

and like an ax it slices…

He doubts me! He gets angered when I am using all devices…

to show how much I cherish him….

and HONOR and adore…

and have nothing to hide from him…

I cannot prove much more.

all day the world it tells me

that Im beautiful and giving….

a paradox to me because he tells me that I’m living….

in a world of lies and cover ups…

and wanting other men….

some spirit comes upon him and it tortures me again….

My heart is growing weary and my eyes are dry of tears…

I cannot soothe his demons..

I cannot cast his fears…

I love this man with all my heart

and strength and mind and soul…

I pray dear Lord… he turns TO YOU….

I pray he becomes whole.

his thoughts are not because of me..

and I pray that he will choose…

to nurture love, to nuture us..

WE HAVE SO MUCH TO LOSE.

For a love like this is not the norm…

It’s deep, divine in spirit…

TEll him God… he is SAFE WITH ME….

Please Lord Make him hear it!

Does he want to come to me…

to absorb my love and light?

to be my partner in this life…

and try with all his might…

to trust…. to love..

to live secure…

in peace and UNDYING LOVE..

to not kill, conquer and destroy…

what was sent from up above!

AnnettePK

Hi Kittylover,

Thank you for sharing.
That is a beautiful poem, and it expresses a lot of what I felt. I experienced a lot of the same thoughts and feelings as you are experiencing about your ex P.

Psychopaths/Sociopaths don’t feel and think the way we do. They fake it in order to get things from us. It took me a long time to understand that and to get it, because, like you asked in your previous post, how can there be people in the world like that? It is incomprehensible, and I eventually concluded that I don’t want to understand it. My religious faith has helped me to answer some questions as to why and how and when is the world going to get better; and I know that you, like all survivors, will find your path to peace for yourself.

Your ex didn’t leave because you deleted texts. Consider if he left because he recovered from his injury and didn’t have any use for you anymore. Consider if he always planned to use you and leave you. It has nothing to do with you. You are valuable; he is evil and doesn’t appreciate all the good things you have to offer.

It helped me to try to focus my thoughts on something other than my ex P, to give myself a rest from processing the experience. It helped me to do something constructive that involved physical activity, like yardwork.

You have a big loss to grieve, because you were deceived. You are a good person and you have a lot to offer in a relationship. Your ex P does not want it. He makes you feel bad. You don’t want to be around someone who makes you feel bad. Consider giving your good self to people who appreciate you and who care about your well being.

Take care. You will feel better. Be sure you stay away from any contact with your ex P. They have a pattern of coming back and causing more trauma. Try to get him out of your mind and heart and brain as much as you can and as it is right for you.

angelina

oh Annette…. thank you so much.

How can he not miss me?

wow… when I was his target… he had to know… LITERALLY… what I was doing every single minute. would ask me to take photos with my phone of myself at work and starbucks to prove I was there!!!!!!!

but now that I am discarded b/c I deleted texts and didn’t remember if I had even written the texts or not so when he asked if I had texted someone and deleted it… I first answered no…

now he literally does not care if I am dead of alive.

he also knows that one year ago I was in a treatment center… the best in the world for depression and anorexia for three months straight. he knows I could die from this traumatic abandonment…. and does not even care b/c his mind now justifies that I AM BAD… I AM A LIAR… I am not to be trusted b/c of my phone.

that you from the bottom of my heart for your support.

part of me sooooooo wants to resend him that poem…. but no no no!!!!!!! I just wish he could see that this was on him. but I tried that already, huh?

Ive looked thru some of my texts from this past three months and every day almost I was defending my innocence. fighting his accusations that I lie or cheat. sending him positive… Louise Hay… Wayne Dyer affirmations on choosing love over fear…. trust over doubt.
they did nothing.

I tried.

hugs and thank you.

AnnettePK

You’re doing a good job taking care of yourself by not resending him your beautiful poem. It makes sense if he were normal, but he’s not. You’re right, it wouldn’t help him since it didn’t change anything before.

He SAYS he discarded you because you deleted texts. It’s a lie and he is lying. To justify himself and to drive you crazy and to keep your mind spinning around thinking about him. He wants you to think about him, he wants you to go crazy trying to defend yourself against his FALSE accusations. It doesn’t matter what you say or do, he will just come back with some ‘word salad’ to keep the insanity going.

The only way to stop it is to stop having contact and stop giving him any thoughts. He has probably manipulated you gradually into thinking about him and him only. You will feel better when you gradually turn your thoughts to yourself, your life, your interests, your career, your family, your spiritual practices, without thinking of him. He is not who he deceived you into thinking he is. He is an evil monster.

You have probably done everything you could and can do to help him, to change him, to make him see the truth. I also sent my ex P all kinds of information and help for years. They don’t want to see the truth, they don’t want help, they prefer to lie and to hurt people. Even though it is unbelievable.

Here is a relaxation audio of positive affirmations that I listened every day for a long time. It is specifically for women who have been harmed by pathological relationships. It helped me to get my thinking back to normal. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/guided-relaxation-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships

Keep up the good work you’re doing to get yourself out of the mess this evil creep made in your life.

Hugs.

angelina

Oh annette. . Thank you so very much. I’ve had NC since he packed up and left my apartment where I mended him and his broken hip.. that was monday.
He did reach out to my gay exhus. . Friend.. who is a sweet person .. and married w a baby and lives in Washington dc… and I in south florida!!!. We were divorced 12 years ago. My spath facebook messaged my exhus of 12 years… who is married with a baby and thousands of miles away. Haven’t seen him in years and probably never will… anyway ….. my exhus said he does not want to be involved. My spath insinuated.. ” just as I thought. You and she have something going on!!!” Omg. Unreal. Ironically my ex… is a private investigator and msw for the DC government . He said.. run Megan. This guy has control issues
I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.

angelina

I can hardly move off my couch…..
my hair falling out.

I will force myself to run errands.

If you only knew how close he was to me. and sweet and loving.. and affectionate and promising…

and now gone.

I am physically nauseous…. just really tired and my stomach wants to upchuck… but I know it stems from emotions.

did anyone else ever have that.

has anyone here ever been on Adderall? I have been on small does for ADD… but I am thinking… maybe not be on it at this time…
yeah…. one week ago today..
in this little apartment… I cleaned… we had his ten year old daughter here… they played vid games on my couch. we watched a Charlie Brown Christmas and I made dinner.

He whispered to me during Charlie Brown… “Are you sure you will never leave me? Do you really love me?”

he left me the next day.

yeah… nauseous.

AnnettePK

It is beyond believable horrible what these spaths can do. I am so sorry what he did to you. He lied to you because he wanted something at the time. The discard was very recent. You are in the worst of it. You will feel better.

I didn’t get out of bed all that much for a year on and off, just doing what I needed to do. You’re doing a good thing for yourself if you push through and go run some errands in spite of how you feel. You will probably feel a bit better.

I am concerned about your ex P contacting your ex husband. It worked out ok, but consider that your ex P may continue to pose a danger to you. He may contact others and cause problems for you at work, with family, and friends. Spaths are monsters, demons, and totally evil. They want to harm us. Their behavior doesn’t make sense, until we understand their evil motives – sex, money, power, control, sadism, exploitation to fulfill their own needs. Their needs are NOT to have mutually beneficial and caring relationships with others. They are NOT committed to any kind of ethics or moral. There is nothing to stop them from doing anything from lies to murder.

Consider whether you can take some proactive steps to prevent him from harming you further. Have you read about the grey rock technique? http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
Consider staying off social media and closing accounts. Take down anything on the internet about you he could see. Making yourself invisible to him may not help as he’ll just use someone else’s account. Change your phone number. Consider a restraining order, although this can backfire for a number of reasons.

Most important, take care of yourself. I was able to spend a lot of time out of town visiting friends for about a year or so after my ex P experience. Can you get away for awhile?

angelina

Annette… I have thought of that also… but luckily.. he is a fireman… and if he crosses bounds.. he knows I will go to the fire department and lots of guys do not like him there.
he also… told police that came when I was screaming and crying..”Megan… do not contact me again. we are done>”

LIKE I WAS THE CRIMINAL.

and he told them I attacked him!

angelina

oops… p[ressed wrong button.

anyway…. now…. if he were to contact me.. he would look like an idiot
evil evil evil.

I will go to my bank tomorrow.. but again.. being a fireman he is very very cautious. it is all he has. he did not even have an apartment.. he moved in with me in my cracker box when he broke his leg. chevy is after him b/c he has not made a car payment on his camara on five months! he turned his phone off. he is in 100,000 dollars worth of debt. there is even a lean on the house he half owns with his exwife. He knows I could get him in all kinds of trouble.
he has a storage place… you know… a rented pod thingy… and they locked it on him again.. b/c he missed payments.

and he leaves me b/c of a text message! IDIOT!

I went off of facebook the moment he left.
I closed my linked in.

I will go to bank tomorrow. just in case.

thank you sooooooo much.

AnnettePK

You are thinking well and doing good things to keep yourself safe. Does he have access to your bank account or any other assets? Change passwords to everything. Have you had your locks changed?

That he lied to the police shows what he is capable of. Also contacting your ex husband shows that the spath is focused on you in a negative way. He doesn’t like losing control over you, even if he doesn’t perceive you are any use to him.

You will feel better. It is horrible when we understand that everything they said to us was a lie. When I think of my ex P now, I think of him as a life size full color cardboard cut out. Then I imagine shredding it into a million tiny pieces and tossing them to the wind where they turn into sparkling glitter and disappear scattered into the universe. That’s what my ex P was – a fake cardboard cutout, and now he is gone from my life, completely obliterated.

angelina

he doesn’t have my bank info unless he wrote deit card number down.. but he is a fireman… so wed check him out… career over. will go to bank tomorrow.

One of the articles that you WONDERFUL PEOPLE supplied me with today…. is sooo helping.
Why?
It says …. that the mean… cruel… callous… man that you see come out.. when he devalues and discards…..?
THAT IS THE REAL MAN.

It is not b/c of anything I did or wore or deleted or said.

He is not the sweet… funny… humble… caring, giving, charming man he pretends to be.

he showed me his true colors my LF fam… and when I begin missing him as I have been so intensely…

I MUST REMEMBER THE MAN WHO ABANDONED ME OVER A TEXT MESSAGE AND TOLD THE POLICE I WAS KEEPING HIS THINGS….

after I nurtured his broken leg for two months. rent free. everything free. and a fake engagement. what a pathetic excuse for a human being.
and I fireman? the epitomy of care and service?
what a joke. he uses it /c of the pension and the celebrity and…
the women.
evil.

thank you so much Annette.

angelina

called bank. changing things. thank you for your advice.
this is the worst I have felt yet.

one week ago we were together… with his daughter… planning our future.

how can this be happening? I feel as if I am in a living hell. It is surreal.

angelina

have you ever had moments so painful…. that you thought maybe you were not going to make it?

I would never ever self harm… nothing like that….

but I miss the person I was in love with… who told everyone and me every day how much he loved me and was going to get on his new xmas morning or my bday dec. 19th.

gone. poof.; cuz of a text message. omg.

Ill try to stop posting so much. I am just very much alone as I just moved to this part of the country. no fam either. just y wonderful kitty.

NoMoreWool

Kitty, just remember – you miss the CHARACTER you were in love with. It is a role he played, tailored for what YOU wanted so he could get what HE wanted. Your cat has more genuine affection for you than a sociopath ever can. Snuggle up and listen to her purr, because that is genuine.

Oh, and he is NOT gone because of a text message. That is just a convenient excuse for you to focus on so that you won’t notice how he used you for free healthcare and living space. He probably already is working on another victim.

angelina

This sadness is overwoverwhelming. And my job is that of making seniors smile all day. Damn I’m a good actress. I really want to collapse. Not sure this is survivable.

AnnettePK

It was the worst for me, too. It got better.

You are doing good things for yourself and taking good care of yourself.

It helped me to take my mind off it and take a break from the grieving and processing.

It’s hard to believe from the vantage point of where you are now, but you will eventually get to be glad that he’s gone and you wouldn’t want him back if he came crawling. It takes awhile, but you will get there.

You will feel better. It also helped me to think of the many people in the world less fortunate and with bigger problems and losses and suffering, than what I was experiencing.

Have a good and restful evening.

Ive never joined a social media group, or had therapy for my involvement in a toxic relationship with one of these guys, but Ive been helped by this site. I dont believe that human emotions should be diagnosed as disorders, but sociopaths HAVE NONE!! It took me ten years to realize that I had to give up my narcissist addiction before he drove me crazy, or cost my life. To stop letting HIM manipulate our “relationship” for his own needs. I honestly sympathize and relate with each one of you.

Having lost ten years that Ill never get back, and a bit of my sanity…all seems unfair, for what I THOUGHT was love. The dream I envisioned was in reality, just a circular pattern of blame, lies, and sickness. Im a nice person, and thats probably why he chose me in the first place. Its very sad what these people do to others, and themselves. To find that theres no cure, puts us in the mix, on defense mode…watching out, so we dont get snared again. Too bad there isnt a way to list their names, by city/state…that people could check that list, before dating them and ruining their lives!!?

It is my hope for us all, to hold on to the belief that love can still be found. If we let these monsters keep us from being the loving, forgiving people we were before them..then, theyve won. Refuse to be their victim!! Look to the supportive people who truly inspire you to move forward. This site has given me the outlet I needed. Thank you all for sharing in your pain and success. Good luck to us.

Debbie – welcome to Lovefraud. I am so glad that Lovefraud has helped you. Yes – a goal of Lovefraud is to help in the healing, so we can all find the fulfillment we want and deserve.

Donna, THANK YOU for helping us identify the characteristics of “these people”. I wish you could design a necklace…or small pin, with your heart/ bullseye motif. That way, when we look in the mirror, we can be reminded of all the emotions and thoughts here, on this site. I think people would gain strength in being REMINDED.

What youve done here, is AMAZING… Congratulations!
Sincerely,
Debbie

alohatraveler

Debbie,

I would buy the t-shirt. LOL!

Aloha

Aloha, We all deserve a badge of courage for what we’ve been through!!

alohatraveler

I survived LoveFraud!

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