Just about every day, Lovefraud receives e-mail from readers who are looking for answers about confusing, contradictory and abusive behavior exhibited by people in their lives. The new readers don’t understand what they are dealing with; they just tell, either in a few paragraphs or lengthy compositions, their stories. The e-mails describe some or many of the following behaviors:
- Pathological lying
- Pity plays
- Shallow emotions
- Devalue and discard
- Cheating or promiscuity
- Addiction to drugs or alcohol
- Controlling demands
- Financial irresponsibility
- Manipulation of children
- Broken promises
- Claims of “you made me do it”
- Pleas of “I’ll never do it again”
The readers ask, “Am I involved with a sociopath?”
For those of us who now know what sociopathic behavior looks like, it is apparent that the answer is yes—or that at least the readers are describing sociopathic traits.
More than 1,300 people have contacted Lovefraud with their stories—and others have told their stories in comments posted on this blog. In all of them, the same behavior patterns are described over and over again. In fact, many of you have wondered (facetiously) if you were all involved with the same person.
Asking for advice
When newbies, who have been confused by lies and broken promises, learn that there is a personality disorder that describes what they’ve been dealing with, they have a few reactions. One is relief that they are not crazy—they really are experiencing irrational demands and covert manipulation.
Another is horror at the magnitude of the problems they face—especially upon learning that there really isn’t any treatment for a sociopath. With that, the new reader starts asking for advice, and this is where things get tricky.
Here are questions that I’ve been asked:
- He’s threatened to kill me—will he do it?
- How do I get the judge to see the truth?
- How can I get the authorities to arrest her?
- How can I protect my children?
- How can I get my money back?
- What should I do?
As much as I wish that any of us who are further along the road of understanding could answer these questions, the reality is, we can’t.
Each situation is unique
Although we often see the same patterns of behavior, each sociopath is unique. Each victim is unique. Each situation is unique. As victims try to extricate themselves from entanglements with sociopaths, any and all of these issues may be pivotal:
- How much clout does the sociopath have in the community?
- How well can the sociopath manipulate the legal system?
- How much money does the sociopath have to throw into the conflict?
- Who believes the sociopath?
- Who can the sociopath make into allies?
- Are there any witnesses? Will they speak up?
- How old are the children?
- What office politics are involved?
- Do legal authorities take the case seriously?
- Are there any ties that can’t be broken?
- How much money does the victim have (remaining)?
- How much strength does the victim have to continue the battle?
Sometimes I feel so helpless. I can offer some generalizations about what sociopaths tend to do—based on the 1,300 cases I’ve learned about—but I cannot predict what any particular sociopath will do, how authorities may react, or if anyone will see through the deceptions. All of this makes it very difficult to give advice.
Solitary journey
In reality, extricating ourselves, recovering from, and coming to terms with the sociopath(s) in our life is a solitary journey. Other people may make suggestions, but we must ultimately make the decisions on how to cope.
And sometimes the range of the choices we have the ability to make is very narrow. A judge may decide on joint custody of children, or even award custody to the sociopath. Law enforcement may decline to investigate or prosecute. If we win our case in civil court, we may never collect a judgment.
In situations like these, decisions are taken away from us.
When that happens, our only choices have to do with our own attitude. Are we going to let the sociopath sink us? Or are we going to somehow find a way to heal?
Real response is internal
There is great wisdom in the adage, “This, too, shall pass.”
It’s been 10 years since I left my sociopathic ex-husband. I’ve processed most of the emotional trauma associated with the experience, so it doesn’t have the grip on me that it once did. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m running Lovefraud, it would have no grip on me at all.
Ten years ago, I was on the phone with another woman scammed by my husband multiple times a day. Although we are still friends, now we only speak two or three times a year. She’s moved on in her life—the experience is a distant memory.
The same thing happens here at Lovefraud. In the midst of their trauma, readers post frequently. But eventually we stop seeing their names and comments. I hope that means they’ve left the experience behind.
In the end, the real response to the experience with the sociopath is internal. We have to come to terms with the betrayal, the injury, the exploitation. So although it’s hard to give foolproof advice for dealing with the circumstances that the predator creates in our lives, the truly important advice is this: Find a way to heal yourself.
I remember that day I lost her but really deep inside of me I knew I was losing her and at this point didn’t even want to try anymore. I knew I was at a point in my life that I was “used” up and there wasn’t any more I could give…
But because I needed some answers and needed to understand the “whys’ I started to ask myself and others some very seriously questions. I didn’t know anything about a sociopath or people that suffer from personality disorders. Then after learning just what I been dealing with for so long, like a bolt of lighting it hit me hard that I now understood that I really lost her for good. All my maybes (maybe we could work this out, maybe she see someday what a mistake this is, etc) drained from my heart like water from a balloon that have a hole in it. I also remember telling myself and feeling like I lost her all over again. The sick feeling I felt inside of myself is still indescribable to this day. I am a person that needs to understand any problem but never did I know the price for this knowledge would be so high. Still today I really don’t know what hurt me the most, her leaving or knowing the reality of my situation. Knowing I had no choice but to let this person go and let her go for the rest of my life.
The sense of lost is deep and long lasting…..
Yes giving advice can be hard and even dangerous. That is why I was shocked when I saw in your original post that you told Rosalyn no when she asked you if she should contact authorities about her suspicions of the child being abused.
And you are right in that each situation is unique and that is why giving advice is not something to be taken lightly or done with just a minimal amount of information or contact.
Donna –
Thats a powerful article. And at the core of the end of every toxic relationship remains the same thing that was there in the beginning and middle of the relationship and that is CHOICE.
I agree with everything you said, but I might add that for some of us the devastation is beyond comprehension, and as in my case, once the mask fell off in the middle of the toxic relationship all the way until the end and thereafter I didnt have the resources to know how to handle a toxic situation in my life, let alone after it ended.
In the end, I had to do what you said…find a way to heal myself. That included motivating myself to read books, use the internet, and click on the links such as Lovefraud….
When I tell you that Lovefraud opened my eyes, I truly mean that. Lovefraud did not heal me, but it allowed me to no longer wander lost in a fog of sorts — it helped me find clarity, understanding, and resources to help me heal myself.
Yes we have to heal ourselves. Choose to heal ourselves. Make decisions how to best handle our own individual situations, as nobody can heal us, except each and every one of us, ourselves. But not having to go through it alone, and with support and guidance of friends, family and the gift of those who reach out to others at LF and other places in so many ways across the world – ultimately offers the best healing journey one could possible find.
We must remind ourselves to offer support more so than anything else, as each one of us has to find our own way to heal ourselves. Ultimately it is a choice we make. We choose to heal ourselves, because the truth is we are the only ones who can!
Ogden Nash, on of my favorite humerous poets, was also a “serious” poet, and wrote a poem called “Listen.” The point of the poem was that we are “solitary prisoners” inside our own skulls, and that no matter how we shout or scream, we are still “alone” inside our own skulls, but reaching out for companionship.
I think the basis of our lives IS lived internally, by our thoughts and ideas about our external situation. I think things that go on in the “world of ourside” effect the physical, but our internal attitudes about those external things is what is really our “lives.”
Our frustration at not being able to influence our external situation, or some one else’s behavior becomes the driving force in our unhappiness. Changing our attitudes about what is going on externally, and moving away from noxious people and situations, rather than trying to change the unchangeable, and accepting that some things ARE unchangeable and out of our control, is for some reason very difficult for us.
Sometimes I know I have become so “crazy” with frustration, worry, fear, and stress that I couldn’t see “the nose on the front of my face.” It is difficult to focus on solutions when you are too “crazy” to know the problem. Sometimes it is helpful to have someone make suggestions, other times, I didn’t want their advice even though I needed it and it was good.
We are all on a solitary journey, a spiritual journey, a human journey, and it is unique for each of us, and to me it has been very comforting to look out of my “solitary cell” (my skull) and see Donna, Liane, M L, Steve, Steve, etc there with some comforting words of wisdom, understanding and advice, and know that I am not “crazy” and that this particular experience with a psychopath is not “unique” to know that others have walked through this fire and survived, and that just like child birth, I have to go through it myself, but it isn’t the first.
Thank you Donna, and all the LF bloggers and authors.
I’m grateful I encountered the Sociopath. He heightened my awareness. Before him I’d encountered a Psychopath about 25 years ago and a Narcissist about 5. I figured they were anomalies. The Sociopath finally forced me to examine the pattern, and why I was such an easy mark.
Life’s gotten so much easier recently. I don’t just stay away from The Antisocial and Narcissistic. I stay away from the Histrionics and Borderline too. I assiduously avoid stepping onto the Karpman Drama triangle with anyone.
It’s really paying off. I’m more cheerful. I sleep better. My social and family life is pleasant. My kids are having more fun. I have more time and energy for my marriage. I have more time and energy to put into home schooling my children.
It’s awful when you HAVE to play. If you have to deal with a nutty ex-spouse or employer, life can get tricky. Often there’s no choice but to deal with the Cluster Bs. Whenever there’s a choice, I advocate getting away from them and staying away.
These people have an uncanny ability to put you in “d@mned if you do & d@amned if you don’t” situations. Generally dealing with them is a win-lose or lose-lose proposition. Don’t do it!
Learn to read the signs cluster Bs can’t help but display. Be cautious.
I thought it would be hard to become a bit stand-offish, but it’s not. It’s actually pleasanter to invest more time and energy on people I know and like than on newcomers. It’s certainly more relaxing to stay away from the drama club. I still feel a bit uneasy when I decline to socially engage with a drama queen or king. It’s hard to get over the habit of being excessively polite and kind. Particularly with histrionics. Part of me wants to baby them, but my sensible self warns me that eventually I’ll lose my temper with their theatrics. Deep down in side, I’m really not as patient as I like to imagine I am!
Keep away from Cluster Bs! It’s good advice, if you’re free to take it. If you’re not, lovefraud is a great place to go for help in dealing with them.
Dear Elizabeth,
YOU ARE SO RIGHT ON, SISTER! It isn’t just the Psychopaths it is all of the “cluster Bs” and Drama queens/kings, and people who have really poor boundaries, and little or no moral compasses, at least none that point in the same direction yours do.
I’m still working on weeding them out of my semi-close circle of people I do things with, one by just fading away, and the other by an outburst rom him when I confronted some of his behavior (silly me! I thought he would say “sorry” and we would still be “friends.” WHAT WAS I THINKING? LOL) He isn’t an N or a P, just not “healthy.”
I loved your comment “deep down inside I’m really not as patient as I like to imagine I am” WHOOO WOOOOO! Same here! LOL
Many good points made in this article. The last two weeks I have not posted much. I was out of town alot with my dad and his illness. I’m not sure if I was just so busy with him, but I realized that I hadn’t posted and the less I posted, the less I obsessed over the relationship with the S. Again, maybe I was busy but I had lots of free time to drive back and forth. I need to make this stop in some way and I think I won’t be posting at least for a while.
Maybe forcing myself to walk away from all reminders….. including still trying to relocate……will be the best thing for me. It’s not that I’m running away. I can’t run from something that is so embedded in me now. I can just heal and learn. I’m just trying to take care of me and do what is right for ME for a change. In this situation I’m not sure I can stay here checking parking lots for his car everytime I want to enter a building.
This is another one of those situations where what is right for me may not be good advice for someone else.
THis place at Lovefraud is like a good, safe home. You can walk away and still come back from time to time and be welcomed with open arms. I am hoping that will happen for me. My situation, as some of you know, was not as financially devastating or as criminal as some. The trauma that this man has caused to me HAS been devastation. When someone rips at your deepest hopes and dreams and portrays themselves to be something they are not for the simple pleasure of playing with your heart and soul……it is a horrible experience. I’m not sure anything could have kept it from happening, but I could have kept it from prolonging.
I have learned from this and now I need to move on. Thanks Donna for keeping this site available and for helping so many people. Because of all of you, I can walk away knowing I AM NOT CRAZY. I just made some bad choices at the worst possible time of my life. Thanks to all of you for your support and help along the way.
I have cobbled together various sources on identifying psychopaths
http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com/search/label/identification
It’s too bad that since these people seem to come out of cookie cutters, that there’s no cookie cutter advice to deal with them.
There’s only one piece of advice that I ever got, that I always give, that seems to be right in most situations: And that is to strictly limit personal interaction with the sociopath or narcissist. If possible, to have no contact at all.
Unfortunately it also seems to be the most difficult advice to take and act on.
Keeping faith,
Thanks for sharing, and posting and returning from time to time. It sounds like you are doing exactly what Donna referred to by taking steps and doing the things that are right for you, for your own situation and healing. And you recognize that your positive energy and healing is coming more and more from distractions around you and time spent with your father, and just generally trying to figure out a direction that is best for you.
As you move on, and heal one thing is certain and something that I will keep close to my heart when I am ready to fly again….Lovefraud will always be here, for all of us to return to for words of or encouragment and wisdom or to share a thought or an update or to simply say hello.
God bless you on your healing journey…