Just about every day, Lovefraud receives e-mail from readers who are looking for answers about confusing, contradictory and abusive behavior exhibited by people in their lives. The new readers don’t understand what they are dealing with; they just tell, either in a few paragraphs or lengthy compositions, their stories. The e-mails describe some or many of the following behaviors:
- Pathological lying
- Pity plays
- Shallow emotions
- Devalue and discard
- Cheating or promiscuity
- Addiction to drugs or alcohol
- Controlling demands
- Financial irresponsibility
- Manipulation of children
- Broken promises
- Claims of “you made me do it”
- Pleas of “I’ll never do it again”
The readers ask, “Am I involved with a sociopath?”
For those of us who now know what sociopathic behavior looks like, it is apparent that the answer is yes—or that at least the readers are describing sociopathic traits.
More than 1,300 people have contacted Lovefraud with their stories—and others have told their stories in comments posted on this blog. In all of them, the same behavior patterns are described over and over again. In fact, many of you have wondered (facetiously) if you were all involved with the same person.
Asking for advice
When newbies, who have been confused by lies and broken promises, learn that there is a personality disorder that describes what they’ve been dealing with, they have a few reactions. One is relief that they are not crazy—they really are experiencing irrational demands and covert manipulation.
Another is horror at the magnitude of the problems they face—especially upon learning that there really isn’t any treatment for a sociopath. With that, the new reader starts asking for advice, and this is where things get tricky.
Here are questions that I’ve been asked:
- He’s threatened to kill me—will he do it?
- How do I get the judge to see the truth?
- How can I get the authorities to arrest her?
- How can I protect my children?
- How can I get my money back?
- What should I do?
As much as I wish that any of us who are further along the road of understanding could answer these questions, the reality is, we can’t.
Each situation is unique
Although we often see the same patterns of behavior, each sociopath is unique. Each victim is unique. Each situation is unique. As victims try to extricate themselves from entanglements with sociopaths, any and all of these issues may be pivotal:
- How much clout does the sociopath have in the community?
- How well can the sociopath manipulate the legal system?
- How much money does the sociopath have to throw into the conflict?
- Who believes the sociopath?
- Who can the sociopath make into allies?
- Are there any witnesses? Will they speak up?
- How old are the children?
- What office politics are involved?
- Do legal authorities take the case seriously?
- Are there any ties that can’t be broken?
- How much money does the victim have (remaining)?
- How much strength does the victim have to continue the battle?
Sometimes I feel so helpless. I can offer some generalizations about what sociopaths tend to do—based on the 1,300 cases I’ve learned about—but I cannot predict what any particular sociopath will do, how authorities may react, or if anyone will see through the deceptions. All of this makes it very difficult to give advice.
Solitary journey
In reality, extricating ourselves, recovering from, and coming to terms with the sociopath(s) in our life is a solitary journey. Other people may make suggestions, but we must ultimately make the decisions on how to cope.
And sometimes the range of the choices we have the ability to make is very narrow. A judge may decide on joint custody of children, or even award custody to the sociopath. Law enforcement may decline to investigate or prosecute. If we win our case in civil court, we may never collect a judgment.
In situations like these, decisions are taken away from us.
When that happens, our only choices have to do with our own attitude. Are we going to let the sociopath sink us? Or are we going to somehow find a way to heal?
Real response is internal
There is great wisdom in the adage, “This, too, shall pass.”
It’s been 10 years since I left my sociopathic ex-husband. I’ve processed most of the emotional trauma associated with the experience, so it doesn’t have the grip on me that it once did. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m running Lovefraud, it would have no grip on me at all.
Ten years ago, I was on the phone with another woman scammed by my husband multiple times a day. Although we are still friends, now we only speak two or three times a year. She’s moved on in her life—the experience is a distant memory.
The same thing happens here at Lovefraud. In the midst of their trauma, readers post frequently. But eventually we stop seeing their names and comments. I hope that means they’ve left the experience behind.
In the end, the real response to the experience with the sociopath is internal. We have to come to terms with the betrayal, the injury, the exploitation. So although it’s hard to give foolproof advice for dealing with the circumstances that the predator creates in our lives, the truly important advice is this: Find a way to heal yourself.
Thanks learnthelesson. We learn so much from each other as well as validate what we already felt or knew. It’s an experience I wish on NO ONE except the S himself. As I tried to imagine what may go on in his head……..some days I imagine that the way I felt after all was said and done……is the way his life feels to him every day. The turmoil, drama, fear, anxiety!! Couldn’t happen to a worse person!! I am done being tortured and torturing myself.
We will all “fly again” we are flying now, our wings are just a little weak as we rediscover the path and ourselves. I’m ok with that. Best to you always. We will be OK.
OxDrover,
It’s an imperfect world. Like you, I want to keep my friends. They’re precious to me, even though none of us are perfect.
I’m sorry your friendship took a turn for the worse.
I distanced myself from a very emotional woman lately, because dealing with her was going to belose/lose most of the time. She was an unusually intelligent woman with a martyr complex. No matter how people tried to cater to her, she’d see herself as the helpless victim.
Her conversation was about 85% whining, so I was goin to give myself an ulcer refraining from booting her backside up between her ears. I’m trying to counter a bit of heartburn as it is. I’ve becom too old for certain games.
The old me would have catered to her and tried to solve her problems. I’d even have agreed with her about how put-upon she was. I don’t miss the old me at all!
Dear Elizabeth,
The thing is, I realized iin both cases, I think, that it wasn’t much of a friendship with either of them….the one with the “blow up” I had been having some little nagging disquieting things from time to time, but they started to become more and more apparent, and this was sort of just the straw that “broke the camel’s back” and I decided I had to set a boundary—not expecting that there would be a loss of the relationship, but at the same time, willing to have the loss if that is what it took.
Now, I realize I was RIGHT all along about the “feelings”—nothing big, just little unpleasantness and inconsiderations. No P abuse, but just things I didn’t like. Any time you set a boundary you have to be prepared for the relationship to end in a bang or to go away gradually over time. So far with the people I have set boundaries with, one I am fading deliberately away on, this was a blow up one on his part, but I’m not grieving over the loss of the relationship, and two (a couple) that I set boundaries for, the female keeps trying to try them from time to time, and I keep building them higher and higher (she is doing it by being sneaky, thinking I won’t know) but the relationship IS fading away though I will not have a big “blow up” with them I don’t think, but if it comes, it comes, it doesn’t matter, I’m not interested in a “drama” with them. I would go NC completely with them and not be upset by it. One friend of long standing, I set a boundary, and she has respected that boundary completely and our friendship seems to be much better than ever. So I am batting 1 out of 5 at this point as “successful.” that’s not too bad, a 200 batting average. LOL
Great posts and article! Oxy you rule!.
One of the things that took me the longest to comprehend, ( until I was smacked with a giant 2×4) is the idea that the P can and will engineer your misery, and act like he had nothing to do with it. Stuff just “happens”
It is hard to learn that all our fogiveness is wasted on one who actively wishes us ill. Especially when the words don’t match the actions.
Armed with this knowledge tho’ through learning here what I was dealing with, has been very empowering.
I can “read” him now. I know there is only one motive for EVERYTHING he does and says, and that is his gain and anothers loss. Period. Whatever it takes. Sadly, inflicting pain is a gain for him and many P’s .
Over time, and as an avid student of current events, I have come to view “the news” as what “they” want us to know, and what is presented as “what happened” is usually, engineered and planned long before if one is willing to dig. So the motto is follow the money and then decide the veracity of a claim or story.
Had I followed those pricipals in my private life with the P, I would have awoken much sooner.
Bottom line, reject the habit of accepting “events” that are injurious as chit happens. Chit is engineered by P’s and their willing and sometimes unwitting accomplices.
As for the healing phase, the first step is diagnosis. It hurts to discover you have been enabling your abuser, but it is the first step.
And to all the newbies in the early stages of discovery and healing, trust us grizzled vets, there is freedom at the end of the journey, freedom from abuse, chaos,and false hope.
There is, regardless of how difficult the circumstance, a new beginning, a life of integrity and grace, of acceptance, of peace.
P.S. I would like to add a comment about NC. While I agree it is IMPERATIVE to detach, get some perspective and heal – in my own case I have bent the rule. I have continued to communicate – ONLY on matters of our divorce settlement $$ etc. And I will admit it. I have played with him.. Asked him stuff, tweaked and bruised his ego.
I hope to soon have my day in court and I will let y’all know, but his vanity and arrogance led him to write some rather incrimminating emails. I have a paper trail of his carrot and stick bullying, his broken promises and shady accounting.
Not sure yet if it will help me in substance, but I like having that paper trail, proof of his abuse, his pettiness and sense of entitlement. I have felt more genuine happiness in the last year since leaving than for many many years. Part of it comes from the exuberant relief of recognizing what I left behind me.
Peace to all
PSS. The communication was ONLY through email – totally NC otherwise, even when in the same room. And ONLY when I had lots of time to proof and reread my answers etc and felt strong and clear headed.
Dear eyeswideshut,
In some ways, you are not breaking NC and if it helps you gather evidence that is to your benefit, you go girl! TOWANDA!!!
There are “degrees” of NC that apply to different situations, and sometimes TOTAL NC is not possible, or even desirable. It just depends on what is happening and your state of mind as well as the Ps state of mine and how bad they are. If you can have limited e mail contact and not let it upset you, and gather evidence for your day in court, great! Go for it@....... if it upsets you , sets you back, makes you feel bad, or cry, maybe it isn’t worth what it costs, but if the cost is low, and the benefit possible, hang on and go for the gusto!
OxDrover,
Yep, enforcing boundaries can be the beginning of the end, or a healthyl upswing in the quality of a relationship. There’s no predicting what will happen. Some people fly into a snit when they find out rules and limits apply to them as well as the little people. Oh well!
We’ve got an unusual variety of drama queen in our family. There’s really no figuring out what the underlying problem is, she’s the consummate gas-lighter. I admit to not being sufficiently curious to become fully engaged in solving the puzzle. Luckily for me, she’s on hubby’s side of the family, and he’s always known how and when to go no contact! I’m happy to follow his lead. She acts out, we draw further away. Long periods of peace divide moments of brief contact. The longer between incidents, the better prepared I am to deal with her odd little games. Who cares what her diagnosis is? Why ask why, when the solution is as simple as distance?
I never knew life could be this good!
Dear Elizabeth!
Yea, ain’t it the truth! Distance in time and location is a wonderful thing! ABsence doesn’t ALWAYS make the heart grow fonder though! LOL But at least it gives you peace to regroup.
Yes, choices on attitude, that is what it all boils down to. I’m not going to let him make me sink! I’m trapped inside my head and I am trying to make it a pleasant experience. Thank you for the article, I am still wondering how to get my money back! I hope it will be easy for me to identify any S’s I might come across, I’m certainly getting a good education about it here!