Just about every day, Lovefraud receives e-mail from readers who are looking for answers about confusing, contradictory and abusive behavior exhibited by people in their lives. The new readers don’t understand what they are dealing with; they just tell, either in a few paragraphs or lengthy compositions, their stories. The e-mails describe some or many of the following behaviors:
- Pathological lying
- Pity plays
- Shallow emotions
- Devalue and discard
- Cheating or promiscuity
- Addiction to drugs or alcohol
- Controlling demands
- Financial irresponsibility
- Manipulation of children
- Broken promises
- Claims of “you made me do it”
- Pleas of “I’ll never do it again”
The readers ask, “Am I involved with a sociopath?”
For those of us who now know what sociopathic behavior looks like, it is apparent that the answer is yes—or that at least the readers are describing sociopathic traits.
More than 1,300 people have contacted Lovefraud with their stories—and others have told their stories in comments posted on this blog. In all of them, the same behavior patterns are described over and over again. In fact, many of you have wondered (facetiously) if you were all involved with the same person.
Asking for advice
When newbies, who have been confused by lies and broken promises, learn that there is a personality disorder that describes what they’ve been dealing with, they have a few reactions. One is relief that they are not crazy—they really are experiencing irrational demands and covert manipulation.
Another is horror at the magnitude of the problems they face—especially upon learning that there really isn’t any treatment for a sociopath. With that, the new reader starts asking for advice, and this is where things get tricky.
Here are questions that I’ve been asked:
- He’s threatened to kill me—will he do it?
- How do I get the judge to see the truth?
- How can I get the authorities to arrest her?
- How can I protect my children?
- How can I get my money back?
- What should I do?
As much as I wish that any of us who are further along the road of understanding could answer these questions, the reality is, we can’t.
Each situation is unique
Although we often see the same patterns of behavior, each sociopath is unique. Each victim is unique. Each situation is unique. As victims try to extricate themselves from entanglements with sociopaths, any and all of these issues may be pivotal:
- How much clout does the sociopath have in the community?
- How well can the sociopath manipulate the legal system?
- How much money does the sociopath have to throw into the conflict?
- Who believes the sociopath?
- Who can the sociopath make into allies?
- Are there any witnesses? Will they speak up?
- How old are the children?
- What office politics are involved?
- Do legal authorities take the case seriously?
- Are there any ties that can’t be broken?
- How much money does the victim have (remaining)?
- How much strength does the victim have to continue the battle?
Sometimes I feel so helpless. I can offer some generalizations about what sociopaths tend to do—based on the 1,300 cases I’ve learned about—but I cannot predict what any particular sociopath will do, how authorities may react, or if anyone will see through the deceptions. All of this makes it very difficult to give advice.
Solitary journey
In reality, extricating ourselves, recovering from, and coming to terms with the sociopath(s) in our life is a solitary journey. Other people may make suggestions, but we must ultimately make the decisions on how to cope.
And sometimes the range of the choices we have the ability to make is very narrow. A judge may decide on joint custody of children, or even award custody to the sociopath. Law enforcement may decline to investigate or prosecute. If we win our case in civil court, we may never collect a judgment.
In situations like these, decisions are taken away from us.
When that happens, our only choices have to do with our own attitude. Are we going to let the sociopath sink us? Or are we going to somehow find a way to heal?
Real response is internal
There is great wisdom in the adage, “This, too, shall pass.”
It’s been 10 years since I left my sociopathic ex-husband. I’ve processed most of the emotional trauma associated with the experience, so it doesn’t have the grip on me that it once did. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m running Lovefraud, it would have no grip on me at all.
Ten years ago, I was on the phone with another woman scammed by my husband multiple times a day. Although we are still friends, now we only speak two or three times a year. She’s moved on in her life—the experience is a distant memory.
The same thing happens here at Lovefraud. In the midst of their trauma, readers post frequently. But eventually we stop seeing their names and comments. I hope that means they’ve left the experience behind.
In the end, the real response to the experience with the sociopath is internal. We have to come to terms with the betrayal, the injury, the exploitation. So although it’s hard to give foolproof advice for dealing with the circumstances that the predator creates in our lives, the truly important advice is this: Find a way to heal yourself.
My divorce is about to become final and things with my Ex have been worse than ever? Last weekend he has very late to pick up our children for his visitation which was making me late for work. When he finally got to my place of work he put the kids in the car with his girlfriend and then proceeded to verbally abuse me in front of a customer and on of my employees (I own a hair salon). He said things like “you wanted a real family with me, well you are looking at a real family right here in this car”, he also said, “you are ugly, no one will ever love you, you were an awful wife…and a few more things I am forgetting. He then drove off and started calling the salon and pretending to be the IRS, and then called me “horse face”. I went to the police station after work and filed a police report and yesterday I tried to get a restraining order but because I have no fear of ‘Phisical Harm” the judge will not issue one. My question is why now? He has what he wants, his girlfriend and his kids for the weekend. Why is he still trying to torture me? I thought things would be getting better not worse now that we are almost divorced…
Dear Princesspants,
Is Matt still prowling the boards? You need to consult with him. If your nutty X is acting out at your business, then you have lots of witnesses. His acting out is now effecting your ability to make a living. There may be grounds for some sort of civil suit or criminal charges we wouldn’t naturally consider.
Businesses can usually get protection from oddballs who interfere with their ability to function. If you describe your X’s bad behavior in that context, you might be able to get some help.
I know that having him pick up the kids at your salon was not your intention. It happened that way because he was misbehaving – yet again. Still, it’s a good idea to have him picking up the kids in a public space you control.
This is another one of those cases of a cluster B setting up a no win situation for his/her victim. If there was something you could have done to have made the child visitation calm and gracious, it’s not immediately evident.
“…then proceeded to verbally abuse me in front of a customer and one of my employees…” The best defense against this behavior is a soft smile and dead silence. Smile at your customers and employees, and say “I’ll be with you in a moment.” Walk to the door, hold it open for him, and wait.
You can score social victories on him by being unfailingly ladylike in the face of his boorishness. Treat him like an uncouth stranger who passes gas loudly and audibly, rather than an intimate who is making remarks that hurt. That’s what his remarks are – malodorous expressions of his lack of self-control. There’s no need to treat his remarks as if they were intelligible speech.
Witnesses will see a long-suffering lady who’s been unfairly burdened with a classically abusive knuckle-dragger. Your graciousness will make your point more effectively than any amount of protest, explanations or tears.
Remember this: If he ever so much as grabs your arm or blocks your way, you can reasonably claim fear of physical harm. You have a right to physical movement. If he gets mad about your decision to walk away from his verbal diarrhea, and so much as touches your arm or blocks your way, you’ve got grounds for that restraining order.
Thank you Elizabeth, I am proud to say I responded to him in the exact way you recommended! It has taken a while for me to learn that this is the best way to handle him and it drives him crazy…which isn’t necessarily my intent. He had never come even close to touching me even in our earlier more crazy years so I don’t think he will. I am not interested in any more legal actions at this time and will avoid my place of business as a drop off spot. As of now it is at either my house or his, would you recommend I change that to a more public location?
I haven’t posted on here for a long time and happily it is because I don’t feel the need to very often. However, recently I was given some information about the P I was involved with concerning another woman he was targeting. Once again the rage and anxiety was back, all those terrible memories started to haunt me again.
At first I went overboard trying to warn this other woman’s friends about him and what he was. I think some of it got through to them and fingers crossed she has been put off. Predictably though there are others who don’t believe what I say and “feel sorry for him”. After a few weeks of obsessing about this I finally hit rock bottom, fortunately in the company of two good friends. I had a good rant and a lot of tears whilst they comforted me. They both said that they had never truly realised the devastaion he had caused. Once I calmed down I came to a very important realisation; even with the best intentions of saving others I AM HURTING MYSELF. The past is something I have to live with but how many more weeks, months, years am I going to let it spoil my life? Most of my advice has fallen on deaf ears anyway.
So – I have told my friends that from now on I do not wish to hear anymore about him. I am no longer prepared to spend any more of my time on this subject. They have all agreed to respect my wishes. Since then I have felt so much calmer. I feel that I am moving on now and taking control of my emotions.
Swallow
Princesspants & Elizabeth: Don’t underestimate the danger this man presents. We tend to minimize the danger — we still don’t want to think that they could be THAT dangerous!
Matt can speak to this better than I can, but there are two terms: Assault and Battery. Assault is the threat. Battery is the actual blow hitting you. Perhaps you need to reconsider the threat you feel, PP; you’ve spent a long time becoming accustomed to his chronic level of threat, and you may no longer be reading it correctly.
He sounds dangerous to me.
I have an acquaintance that I believe is a sociopath, why it took me 3 years to realize it amazes me. The thing is, he is smart enough to know he is unable to con me but yet he still contacts me on occasion I guess when he is bored. Unfortunately I did see him 3 times or so. He acts charming but I catch him lying although I do not call him on it, he lies severely. This is why I believe he is a sociopath. He is also likely a cheater, he shows no remorse for it either, like it is no big deal, likely as he has not morals in the first place. At first I actually thought one of his lies that he was a former model was just a joke, that he was joking, etc. He is not bad looking nor do I desire male models as I think it is just a job and a pretty boring and shallow one and not one I really respect or admire, I like intelligent hard working men. I thought it was meant as a joke. Second he always says he is in the bahamas and I know it is a lie. This is due to him thinking I like the Bahamas as I mentioned I enjoyed a trip there. I do not think going to the bahamas is a big deal, certainly not enough to lie about. Anyhow I am concerned as to how to end our lie of a friendship, on one hand I have read since sociopaths have no real feelings it won’t matter but also I have read they might be angered by rejection and can be dangerous. So I am unsure what to do, I can continue to ignore him but I would honestly just like an end to this madness. Any suggestions?
My point is he is not getting anything from me, sex or money as many of you mention, in the reverse, he actually made a disturbing comment about how I could make money if I was a bad girl, he is sick. I have a pretty good moral code. He thinks I could use men, but I have a conscience, something he lacks.
Dear TErrilee,
Welcome to LF and glad you have not been “conned” and devestated by this man. GOOD FOR YOU!
My suggestion is to just “fade away” without any fan fare, just be “too busy” if he manages to contact you, or if you know it is him calling, don’t answer the phone, don’t return e mails, or if you do, make them 1-2 words, “Too busy”—
He gets “supply” (attention) from you when he talks to you, tells you lies, etc. and is on the troll or con trying to hook you in. I am SO GLAD That you have stuck with your moral compass and not been “impressed” by this con man.
He is pulling all the cons that they do, so sounds like you have pegged him very well.
It does take time to recognize them, and I suggest that you read here the articles in the archives so that next time one comes along you may spot him sooner. They seem to act out of a “play book” of manuvers to suckk us in, and mostly when we are “down and out” from some other devestation that has hit us. When you have broken up with a lover, your mate has died, you are “down” for any reason, and more vulnerable to these at first very “charming” individuals. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER so learn more, but sounds like you have a good grounding already, but it never hurts with these people to learn more and more!!!! to learn the “red flags” of their manuvers.
Welcome!!!!
I am in the process of “fading away” very quietly from a drama queen “friend,” who though she is not a psychopath or sociopath, is a “drama” queen that I don’t wish to interact with any more.
Princesspants,
With regards to your ladylike composure: YOU GO GIRL!!!
“As of now it is at either my house or his, would you recommend I change that to a more public location?”
He shows a cluster Bs gift for making all interactions win/lose or lose/lose. You’re going to have to put some serious thought into this.
Do you have a third party? How old are the kids? Schools and daycares are good places to make exchanges. So are police stations.
If you go to a public location to meet him, he’ll jerk you around by arriving late.
If you have him come to your home, he’ll come in the house and act like an @ss.
If he picks the kids up with a 3rd party, it may cost you money.
If he comes to your place of employment, he’ll interfere with business.
I like the 3rd party idea, but my guess is that you can’t afford to pay anyone for this. His mother’s house would be good, but that’s probably not an option.
If the kids are old enough, stage their things at the door of your business or home, then have them keep a look out. When he arrives, have them meet him right outside the door, ready to go.
Don’t compromise with him or be flexible about the rules of visitation. That just leads to opportunities for him to misbehave. The less you negotiate, the less you speak. The less you speak, the less chance of conflict there is. Being kind, patient or gentle with him will backfire on you, so don’t!
It would help if I knew how old the kids are. I home school, and I’ve learned to expect a lot of the kids on all levels. Expecting your kids to wait by the door and watch for dad is very reasonable, as long as they’re over the age of six. Let them ask, “Dad, why were you late? We waited for-e-ver!!!” Kids being kids, they’ll rake him over the coals if he’s more than 5 minutes behind schedule!
PS: If he arrives early to pick up the kids at your home, he waits outside!
We know enough about cluster Bs to know they’re going to look for ways to be a pain. I figure that will be his next move, after being late becomes a bigger problem for him than it is for you. Be ready for it.