Just about every day, Lovefraud receives e-mail from readers who are looking for answers about confusing, contradictory and abusive behavior exhibited by people in their lives. The new readers don’t understand what they are dealing with; they just tell, either in a few paragraphs or lengthy compositions, their stories. The e-mails describe some or many of the following behaviors:
- Pathological lying
- Pity plays
- Shallow emotions
- Devalue and discard
- Cheating or promiscuity
- Addiction to drugs or alcohol
- Controlling demands
- Financial irresponsibility
- Manipulation of children
- Broken promises
- Claims of “you made me do it”
- Pleas of “I’ll never do it again”
The readers ask, “Am I involved with a sociopath?”
For those of us who now know what sociopathic behavior looks like, it is apparent that the answer is yes—or that at least the readers are describing sociopathic traits.
More than 1,300 people have contacted Lovefraud with their stories—and others have told their stories in comments posted on this blog. In all of them, the same behavior patterns are described over and over again. In fact, many of you have wondered (facetiously) if you were all involved with the same person.
Asking for advice
When newbies, who have been confused by lies and broken promises, learn that there is a personality disorder that describes what they’ve been dealing with, they have a few reactions. One is relief that they are not crazy—they really are experiencing irrational demands and covert manipulation.
Another is horror at the magnitude of the problems they face—especially upon learning that there really isn’t any treatment for a sociopath. With that, the new reader starts asking for advice, and this is where things get tricky.
Here are questions that I’ve been asked:
- He’s threatened to kill me—will he do it?
- How do I get the judge to see the truth?
- How can I get the authorities to arrest her?
- How can I protect my children?
- How can I get my money back?
- What should I do?
As much as I wish that any of us who are further along the road of understanding could answer these questions, the reality is, we can’t.
Each situation is unique
Although we often see the same patterns of behavior, each sociopath is unique. Each victim is unique. Each situation is unique. As victims try to extricate themselves from entanglements with sociopaths, any and all of these issues may be pivotal:
- How much clout does the sociopath have in the community?
- How well can the sociopath manipulate the legal system?
- How much money does the sociopath have to throw into the conflict?
- Who believes the sociopath?
- Who can the sociopath make into allies?
- Are there any witnesses? Will they speak up?
- How old are the children?
- What office politics are involved?
- Do legal authorities take the case seriously?
- Are there any ties that can’t be broken?
- How much money does the victim have (remaining)?
- How much strength does the victim have to continue the battle?
Sometimes I feel so helpless. I can offer some generalizations about what sociopaths tend to do—based on the 1,300 cases I’ve learned about—but I cannot predict what any particular sociopath will do, how authorities may react, or if anyone will see through the deceptions. All of this makes it very difficult to give advice.
Solitary journey
In reality, extricating ourselves, recovering from, and coming to terms with the sociopath(s) in our life is a solitary journey. Other people may make suggestions, but we must ultimately make the decisions on how to cope.
And sometimes the range of the choices we have the ability to make is very narrow. A judge may decide on joint custody of children, or even award custody to the sociopath. Law enforcement may decline to investigate or prosecute. If we win our case in civil court, we may never collect a judgment.
In situations like these, decisions are taken away from us.
When that happens, our only choices have to do with our own attitude. Are we going to let the sociopath sink us? Or are we going to somehow find a way to heal?
Real response is internal
There is great wisdom in the adage, “This, too, shall pass.”
It’s been 10 years since I left my sociopathic ex-husband. I’ve processed most of the emotional trauma associated with the experience, so it doesn’t have the grip on me that it once did. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m running Lovefraud, it would have no grip on me at all.
Ten years ago, I was on the phone with another woman scammed by my husband multiple times a day. Although we are still friends, now we only speak two or three times a year. She’s moved on in her life—the experience is a distant memory.
The same thing happens here at Lovefraud. In the midst of their trauma, readers post frequently. But eventually we stop seeing their names and comments. I hope that means they’ve left the experience behind.
In the end, the real response to the experience with the sociopath is internal. We have to come to terms with the betrayal, the injury, the exploitation. So although it’s hard to give foolproof advice for dealing with the circumstances that the predator creates in our lives, the truly important advice is this: Find a way to heal yourself.
Ox; thanks for the response. Does it sound strange if I say I was on to him but still went along with it for some reason knowing he would never be able to truly con me? I am concerned as if I was trying to teach him a lesson he could never learn. I also never called him on his lies as to not embarass him, lol, in retrospect, I guess as a sociopath he would not feel embarassment. He claims to be seperated for 3 years now, yikes, that alone is crazy and I can only pity a wife that had to live with his madness. I do not know how he can even think I believe his lies, it’s crazy, I guess he judged the cover of the book so incorrectly, lol, I am much more intelligent and cognitive than he realizes.
When I say I was on to him, I meant I thought he was playing those games some insecure guys think they need to play with women after they have read stupid articles in magazines and such. I thought I would get past that and get to know the real him, and I did have some feelings for him obviously as this is a bit upsetting for me, but I did realize something was wrong. The things he said continued to not make sense and I continued to catch lies. I guess the red flag was the compulsive type lying, there is no reason for that in my mind. I also thought a few times that he might have cared for me, especially since he remained in contact with me and was not getting anything from me other than friendship a bit of intimacy when we did meet, unfortunately there was chemistry with him. Also his assertiveness worked well on me as I am the shyish type in a relationship.
I guess to sum it even though I will end this. I still want to know what his motives were although I know I should just let it go. I am wondering did he just want to try and hurt me emotionally? If so this does not make sense, if sociopaths have no emotions and can’t understand them, why would they want to mess around with yours?
The thing is when you first realize the person might be a socipath there are so many puzzling questions. It is like trying to understand a nightmare.
Swallow,
” Once I calmed down I came to a very important realization; even with the best intentions of saving others I AM HURTING MYSELF. The past is something I have to live with but how many more weeks, months, years am I going to let it spoil my life? Most of my advice has fallen on deaf ears anyway.
So – I have told my friends that from now on I do not wish to hear anymore about him. I am no longer prepared to spend any more of my time on this subject. They have all agreed to respect my wishes. Since then I have felt so much calmer. I feel that I am moving on now and taking control of my emotions.”
Good Job! Almost all of us have tried to warn future/new victims, only to be accused of slander or simply being bitter. Further, it keeps us in victim mode and prevents us from enjoying the life we deserve. It’s hard, because we all care. We have to let future victims learn the lessons for themselves.
Live well Swallow. You deserve it!
Terrielee,
We ALL Want to know the why, and the thing is that it is just like “why” a snake will bite you–it is just what they DO!
Why does a dog hike his leg when he pees? Why does the sun come up in the east? It is JUST WHAT IT IS.
The thing, the take home lesson, I suggest is that THE MORE YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HOW and as much about the “why” as you can, (i.e. LEARNING ABOUT THEM) the safer you are from the next one whose lies may NOT be so easily seen through. They are pathological liars, and “lie when the truth would FIT BETTER”—and it is easy to “trivalize” these lies and their motives behind them.
The thing is NOW that I have finally gotten to know their “Plays” out of the “Psychopath’s play book” is that I am NOT TOLERANT of ANY lie. Lie to me ONCE and you are out of my circle of trust—-no matter who you are or what your reason for lying—a big reason or a small reason, lie and you are OUT. I may “kick out” some people who are NOT Ps, but by kicking out all liars I will ALSO elliminate ANY psychopath in my “circle.” I would rather “eliminate” 99 “normal” liars than miss the ONE psychopath in the 100. The damage they can do if they slip by our “P-dar” is so intense, so life destroying that it is not worth it to me to give “second chances” to liars. EVERY TIME I have given second chances to liars, even when I DID confront them about the lie, IT BLEW UP IN MY FACE.
If it is a “social” lie like you guy pretending he is “bigger” and “grander” than he is to “impress you” it doesn’t matter—I don’t even “call them” on that kind of a lie, I just drift off into the sunset quietly, but if it is a lie that I confront because it impacts on me, I will cut them off completely forever from any kind of trust. Siince I am retired, I don’t have to deal professionally with this kind of person, and I have in the past had to (usually to my own losses) but I will NEVER GIVE THEM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. All Ps are liars, and not all liars are Ps, but BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY in my book!
“Why does a dog hike his leg when he pees? ” To elevate the urine scent up closer to the noses of other dogs. That way other dogs can keep their noses at a natural height and still read their “tree-mail”.
The effectiveness of this evolutionarily engineered instinctive male behavior is somewhat undermined by the breeding of great danes and miniature dachshunds, but the urge remains.
This may also explain why Sociopaths seem to make such conspicuous spoor.
…now if they were only neutered early enough…
Oh, sorry, just musing out loud!
Yea, Elizabeth, I have a very sharp knife, and would be glad to volunteer to “neuter” a few of these things, a couple of million of them ought to keep me busy for a while and at least WEED OUT THE GENE POOL a bit. If my knife goes dull before I get done with neutering them all, maybe a dull knife will be more fun (for me!) LOL
Yea, P’s DO mark their territory, it is “just what they do” for whatever reason, just like a dog does.
Yup…Karma IS a bastard, and mine is getting his. I now refer to him and his new gal as Humpty and Dumpty.
His house won`t sell even though he has dropped the price by 80 grand, his truck was supposedly stolen, but I know he can’t afford it and he likely arranged it…His new gal is a bow-legged, beer-bellied, fat, insanely jealous, haggard, bleached blond, alcoholic – one of the sisters he was screwing around with…Because of our court experience, her attempt to have her son move in with them has been thwarted by the courts – she isn’t at this point allowed to have him in the N’s house, and my friend who was going to buy his house saw them last weekend, he had the shakes really bad and he wouldn’t introduce them. Dumpty was giving my friend the evil eye the whole time.
I see him at work and for the most part he won’t look at me, but he did say Hi this morning…The loser is getting his…and I’m able to look at him and laugh now.
The other sister has apologized for getting involved with him while we were together and is sadly being blamed for their troubles. I told her that there isn’t only the matter of a Peace Bond between us, but that he is also on probation because he admitted guilt in court and was forced into therapy and alcohol counseling. I don’t think she knew this…
So aside from my genuine concern for his daughter, whom I will always love and be there for; I am free. I no longer miss my ex-best friend – she can blow it out her boozing shorts too.
And he so deserves that jealous cow (she knows he isn’t to be trusted but defends him – they are mutually screwed).
Life is good, and sometimes almost fair.
xoxo
” …he so deserves that jealous cow (she knows he isn’t to be trusted but defends him – they are mutually screwed).
Life is good, and sometimes almost fair.”
Adulterers who try to make a go of it together have a lot of strikes against them. Given that they took wrecking balls to their former families in order to build their new marriages, I love to watch ’em sweat.
They’ve earned their lives of insecurity. Their spouses and children from the previous marriage will bear the scars of their selfishness for life, but they’ll heal. If the adulterers look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives, Oh well!