Just about every day, Lovefraud receives e-mail from readers who are looking for answers about confusing, contradictory and abusive behavior exhibited by people in their lives. The new readers don’t understand what they are dealing with; they just tell, either in a few paragraphs or lengthy compositions, their stories. The e-mails describe some or many of the following behaviors:
- Pathological lying
- Pity plays
- Shallow emotions
- Devalue and discard
- Cheating or promiscuity
- Addiction to drugs or alcohol
- Controlling demands
- Financial irresponsibility
- Manipulation of children
- Broken promises
- Claims of “you made me do it”
- Pleas of “I’ll never do it again”
The readers ask, “Am I involved with a sociopath?”
For those of us who now know what sociopathic behavior looks like, it is apparent that the answer is yes—or that at least the readers are describing sociopathic traits.
More than 1,300 people have contacted Lovefraud with their stories—and others have told their stories in comments posted on this blog. In all of them, the same behavior patterns are described over and over again. In fact, many of you have wondered (facetiously) if you were all involved with the same person.
Asking for advice
When newbies, who have been confused by lies and broken promises, learn that there is a personality disorder that describes what they’ve been dealing with, they have a few reactions. One is relief that they are not crazy—they really are experiencing irrational demands and covert manipulation.
Another is horror at the magnitude of the problems they face—especially upon learning that there really isn’t any treatment for a sociopath. With that, the new reader starts asking for advice, and this is where things get tricky.
Here are questions that I’ve been asked:
- He’s threatened to kill me—will he do it?
- How do I get the judge to see the truth?
- How can I get the authorities to arrest her?
- How can I protect my children?
- How can I get my money back?
- What should I do?
As much as I wish that any of us who are further along the road of understanding could answer these questions, the reality is, we can’t.
Each situation is unique
Although we often see the same patterns of behavior, each sociopath is unique. Each victim is unique. Each situation is unique. As victims try to extricate themselves from entanglements with sociopaths, any and all of these issues may be pivotal:
- How much clout does the sociopath have in the community?
- How well can the sociopath manipulate the legal system?
- How much money does the sociopath have to throw into the conflict?
- Who believes the sociopath?
- Who can the sociopath make into allies?
- Are there any witnesses? Will they speak up?
- How old are the children?
- What office politics are involved?
- Do legal authorities take the case seriously?
- Are there any ties that can’t be broken?
- How much money does the victim have (remaining)?
- How much strength does the victim have to continue the battle?
Sometimes I feel so helpless. I can offer some generalizations about what sociopaths tend to do—based on the 1,300 cases I’ve learned about—but I cannot predict what any particular sociopath will do, how authorities may react, or if anyone will see through the deceptions. All of this makes it very difficult to give advice.
Solitary journey
In reality, extricating ourselves, recovering from, and coming to terms with the sociopath(s) in our life is a solitary journey. Other people may make suggestions, but we must ultimately make the decisions on how to cope.
And sometimes the range of the choices we have the ability to make is very narrow. A judge may decide on joint custody of children, or even award custody to the sociopath. Law enforcement may decline to investigate or prosecute. If we win our case in civil court, we may never collect a judgment.
In situations like these, decisions are taken away from us.
When that happens, our only choices have to do with our own attitude. Are we going to let the sociopath sink us? Or are we going to somehow find a way to heal?
Real response is internal
There is great wisdom in the adage, “This, too, shall pass.”
It’s been 10 years since I left my sociopathic ex-husband. I’ve processed most of the emotional trauma associated with the experience, so it doesn’t have the grip on me that it once did. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m running Lovefraud, it would have no grip on me at all.
Ten years ago, I was on the phone with another woman scammed by my husband multiple times a day. Although we are still friends, now we only speak two or three times a year. She’s moved on in her life—the experience is a distant memory.
The same thing happens here at Lovefraud. In the midst of their trauma, readers post frequently. But eventually we stop seeing their names and comments. I hope that means they’ve left the experience behind.
In the end, the real response to the experience with the sociopath is internal. We have to come to terms with the betrayal, the injury, the exploitation. So although it’s hard to give foolproof advice for dealing with the circumstances that the predator creates in our lives, the truly important advice is this: Find a way to heal yourself.
No, LTL, but I wish I were.
It’s amazing that you were like that too. He made me laugh, and I thought I won my share of our debates. But as you say, it didn’t last. Once he started the give-and-take, I started to fall apart fast. And then I was just trying to be who I used to be, which got harder and harder and harder.
But here’s another thing. When I was with him, and it was “neutral,” not the good times or the bad time, I felt like my brain was different. And I mean that it wasn’t the big addictive rush of when he was liking me. This is just when we were doing things together, or sharing information. It was like I had access to different parts of my brain.
It was one of the things that fueled my recovery, or helped me imagine how it was going to be. I always knew that I was using relationships to compensate for my weaknesses. And I always wished I could be more like these people I loved. Because I admired their strengths so much.
After I got him out of my life, I thought, well, if I can imagine their strengths, if I love them so much, and know exactly what I want, they must be in me too. I mean, you can’t imagine or want what’s not in your head already, no?
Some things about this recovery are just so darned fun. It’s like having a party with yourself. When I think it’s over, and stop working on it for a while, I miss it. Because there’s nothing quite like changing into who want to be.
n’est-ce pas, LTH?
This is a wonderful thread, everyone, been reading for hours, really need to lay it down (oops, got that phrase from him, sorry Sisters).
But just a few thoughts:
So “being a sociopath to deal with a sociopath” is a palliative effort. It’s something we do when necessary.
I did it, Kathleen, I played him for 2 weeks to get some property back that he had. Never thought I could. Had a great coach, the OW in our situation, just told me to take it one day at a time and if I broke down and told him it was OK, and OK if I took him back, she would understand.
The first day was the hardest, once I pulled that off, it was just a game. I could not believe I was doing it but I did. I was so sure he saw through it that I was not even sure he would bring my stuff until I saw it. He thought I loved him enough to take a bullet for him, this caught him . . . shocked? Not hurt, has no hurt. Just amazed that I finally “played him” like he has been playing me for years.
It was a rush when I was getting ready, but as soon as accomplished I started feeling sad. Fighting it. It was the only way, any other way would have risked getting sucked back in.
Princesspants, you need to get an order to do the exchanges at the police station. Should go through easy, just a few declarations from your employees and there’s not a family law judge in the country who won’t sign it. Elizabeth is right. There are also some civil causes for interference with contractual relationships, or with contract (depending on the state), your customers. And slander, other people heard it. But is it worth the hassle and does he have anything to get? Decisions. I would go for the PO station, no need to have your employees talking about it. Employees can go adverse at any time, and any thing they can dish you on can hurt you. Been there, done that.
This is “stranger in a train,” phenomenon, and a good one. Easier to talk anonymously than to people who know me, it’s all so embarrassing.
My employee is cool, and one other person. She does not even know I even gave him a second (fifth maybe?) chance, we had screaming fights about him.
There is a post about making up to those you have hurt over the S, I need to read that. I have people who have waited weeks for their checks because I gave him money. It hurts like hell. People who love me and want me to succeed, waiting to get paid for legitimate work because I fell for some pity story and bailed him out of this or paid his rent or whatever.
It all sounds the same. Like, in Donna’s post, we were all with the same guy. Though at the time, he was so unique and fascinating.
God Bless.
Just found this website and it feels so good. Right about now, I think that I AM Crazy. I have been in a relationship with a man for ten years. Everything started out great. Just like the stories on here. He passionately pursued me as I was getting out of a bad marriage. I thought he was everything I was looking for until little red flags popped up. He was not in recovery for alcoholism as I was told. He wanted to move in with me immediately, he was getting phone calls from his “crazy” ex-wife(who had treated him so badly), he just needed a chance to prove to me how much he loved me, he wanted to marry me, etc. We did end up getting married! I had started to realize that he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be but he was sooo convincing all the time. There was always a good reason, according to him, for what he did. He left me numerous occasions for his ex-wife–for the children’s sake he told me–they needed him. Of course I had gotten him caught up on his child support first. He would leave her and call me crying to come back. He just made a terrible mistake he said. All the time I thought I must have done something wrong. Needless to say I had abuse in my background–molested up until age 15. I wanted someone to be in my corner. Oh he was good at convincing me of how much he loved me. I ended up in bankruptcy trying to “fix” everything for him and he walked. Still he would call me and convince me that we were so much in love and I believed that he must love me since he couldn’t stay away from me. The sex was fantastic and used that to keep me hooked on “how special” it was with me. There were tearful phone calls all the time, more when he was drinking. I started to get severe anxiety attacks when I didn’t hear from him. He would be unreachable as, god forbid, he would pay to have a phone. He would manipulate me like a puppet but always subtle in approach so I would think that I was really messed up. He even told me in one call that I was a very “troubled” person. He was drunk in that phone call but I was the one who ended up crying hysterically, thinking that no one could love me I was so messed up. Last time he left, I had just found out that I had lost my job and he couldn’t hit the door fast enough!! I looked up sociopath today and found this blog because I started driving to pick him up to come back, which is unbelievable in itself–it’s an 8 hour drive from my house- and 2 hours into the drive, he calls to see where I am then tells me that he got a “job” that he can’t give up and not to come after all. I know that he keeps me hanging on as his back up but I am scared that I am getting these anxiety attacks that make me want to call HIM, to save the relationship!! I feel so messed up because he has gotten me to the point that I think I will never have another relationship unless it’s with him. It’s incredible. In all other areas of my life, I have it so together except this one. I have started to go to Al-Anon but am so new to the process. Didn’t know where to go but here.
DEar Jelltogether,
GLAD you are here and found this website. It is THE BEST healing place on the net! Read all the old archived articles and most of your questions will be answered. KNOWLEDGE=POWER and you can take back your power. Many of us say that this place has saved our sanity and even our lives!
WELCOME, and glad you are here! It does get better! Don’t let anything make you even listen to him again. NO CONTACT is the way to get out of this rut you have been in. He can’t love you….he is a psychopath!
Jelltogether: Welcome, glad you found this site, I too suffer from severe anxiety, but have discovered that calling him only makes it worse, the anxiety is like every scary emotion I have is all balled up into a lump inside me! I have learned a lot at this site, it has been a tremendous help to me, I’ve learned I have to take care of me and to love myself. Oxy’s advice is perfect, read the archived articles!!
OxDrover,
I took your advice and read this whole thread. OMG do I see the same types of behavior in my guy. I remember when he first approached me I was going through a bad divorce and he sent me cards, letters and gifts. I was embarassed but flattered. Then the first time I told him that I wanted him to back off, he acted like I was trying to rip his heart out which made me feel guilty. If another guy tried to get close to me when we were out, he would make me feel guilty even though we weren’t together. Anything I did to put the brakes on he made ME feel like I was being so cruel. So when I finally did give in to the relationship and moved in with him, he would give me the cold shoulder when things didn’t go his way. He ended up moving out one weekend when I went out of town and right back into his ex wife’s house thus starting the journey. After that it was like living on a ship in very high seas. Always off balance, questioning my judgement, thinking “am I crazy” wondering what love really was, trying to be “loyal”– he would always tell me “I’m just me” which I think really interprets into “don’t expect anything from me.” The sad part is I am having a hard time letting go of relationships with his family. He has two kids who like me and a few grandchildren, one of whom I am close with–how do you deal with that loss?
The weird thing to me is that I recognized bad people in every other area except with this guy!
Dear Jell,
I understand your loss of other relationships tied to your relationship with him. It is colateral damage, and as difficult as it seems you will be better off if you disengage from anyone and everyone that is connected to him. If nothing else it will bring up memories of him. Few (if any) of those people lwill recognize him for what he is —-a monster—-and you end up staying upset yourself over it.
I suggest that you go back in the archives here and read ALL the old articles, from start to finish, just read the articles first and then later you can go back and read the comments under them. You will gain so much from just reading all the older articles and most if not all of your questions will be answered.
Learning about them is the first step, but before long your healing will not be about THEM but about fixing yourself, healing your own self, and finding out why you took all this abuse for so long. It doesn’t excuse what they did to us, but we did allow it. That is hard to reconcile, because it is NOT your fault (not our fault) but somehow we were vulnerable to the “fantasy” of “love” that they presented, and that is all it was is a twisted fantasy because someone who really loves you would NEVER TREAT YOU THE WAY THEY DID US.
No, you are NOT crazy, but they twist reality until we think we are. They convince us that black is white and white is black, but the pain eventually shows us that we can’t keep up the denial of the truth.
You are right,, you cannot EVER EXPECT ANYTING FROM THEM BUT PAIN and being devalued and discarded. ((((hugs)))))
Jelltogether, welcome aboard and read all you can but i have to tell you i read for years and the only way out of this and trust me i’ve done it all and then some is NO CONTACT and that is the hardest thing to do. Like you i ended up involved with the lunatic’s family and it all leads back tohim and im in the process of getting rid of them all. I nearly did myself in this last time, calling the newer woman and telling her about me. She had no idea, anyway there have been lots of them and it doen’st matter, they cannot love like we do and i see you’ve wasted alot of years. i shouldn’t say wasted, but i too have for 6. I want that time back. H e has taken up all my headspace and i have others who deserve it more. This last time, i almost ended up going to the hospital, due to stress but i’ll be dammed if this ass*** is going to get the best of me. Im a fighter, i just have to remember that ther is no point in fighting someone who doesn’t play fair. He can play with someone else . I sit here wondering what my life could be like if i hadn’t met him but there is nothing i can do about the past. I tried and he failed , not me , so time to throw the towel in. I hope you learn lots and get the NO CONtact down alot sooner than i did as it’s just a waste of time with them. love Kindheart
keeping_faith:
Just saw your post from Monday, 3/30. Wish you much luck with relocating and moving forward with your life. If you ever get up here to NYC, give me a call.