Just about every day, Lovefraud receives e-mail from readers who are looking for answers about confusing, contradictory and abusive behavior exhibited by people in their lives. The new readers don’t understand what they are dealing with; they just tell, either in a few paragraphs or lengthy compositions, their stories. The e-mails describe some or many of the following behaviors:
- Pathological lying
- Pity plays
- Shallow emotions
- Devalue and discard
- Cheating or promiscuity
- Addiction to drugs or alcohol
- Controlling demands
- Financial irresponsibility
- Manipulation of children
- Broken promises
- Claims of “you made me do it”
- Pleas of “I’ll never do it again”
The readers ask, “Am I involved with a sociopath?”
For those of us who now know what sociopathic behavior looks like, it is apparent that the answer is yes—or that at least the readers are describing sociopathic traits.
More than 1,300 people have contacted Lovefraud with their stories—and others have told their stories in comments posted on this blog. In all of them, the same behavior patterns are described over and over again. In fact, many of you have wondered (facetiously) if you were all involved with the same person.
Asking for advice
When newbies, who have been confused by lies and broken promises, learn that there is a personality disorder that describes what they’ve been dealing with, they have a few reactions. One is relief that they are not crazy—they really are experiencing irrational demands and covert manipulation.
Another is horror at the magnitude of the problems they face—especially upon learning that there really isn’t any treatment for a sociopath. With that, the new reader starts asking for advice, and this is where things get tricky.
Here are questions that I’ve been asked:
- He’s threatened to kill me—will he do it?
- How do I get the judge to see the truth?
- How can I get the authorities to arrest her?
- How can I protect my children?
- How can I get my money back?
- What should I do?
As much as I wish that any of us who are further along the road of understanding could answer these questions, the reality is, we can’t.
Each situation is unique
Although we often see the same patterns of behavior, each sociopath is unique. Each victim is unique. Each situation is unique. As victims try to extricate themselves from entanglements with sociopaths, any and all of these issues may be pivotal:
- How much clout does the sociopath have in the community?
- How well can the sociopath manipulate the legal system?
- How much money does the sociopath have to throw into the conflict?
- Who believes the sociopath?
- Who can the sociopath make into allies?
- Are there any witnesses? Will they speak up?
- How old are the children?
- What office politics are involved?
- Do legal authorities take the case seriously?
- Are there any ties that can’t be broken?
- How much money does the victim have (remaining)?
- How much strength does the victim have to continue the battle?
Sometimes I feel so helpless. I can offer some generalizations about what sociopaths tend to do—based on the 1,300 cases I’ve learned about—but I cannot predict what any particular sociopath will do, how authorities may react, or if anyone will see through the deceptions. All of this makes it very difficult to give advice.
Solitary journey
In reality, extricating ourselves, recovering from, and coming to terms with the sociopath(s) in our life is a solitary journey. Other people may make suggestions, but we must ultimately make the decisions on how to cope.
And sometimes the range of the choices we have the ability to make is very narrow. A judge may decide on joint custody of children, or even award custody to the sociopath. Law enforcement may decline to investigate or prosecute. If we win our case in civil court, we may never collect a judgment.
In situations like these, decisions are taken away from us.
When that happens, our only choices have to do with our own attitude. Are we going to let the sociopath sink us? Or are we going to somehow find a way to heal?
Real response is internal
There is great wisdom in the adage, “This, too, shall pass.”
It’s been 10 years since I left my sociopathic ex-husband. I’ve processed most of the emotional trauma associated with the experience, so it doesn’t have the grip on me that it once did. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m running Lovefraud, it would have no grip on me at all.
Ten years ago, I was on the phone with another woman scammed by my husband multiple times a day. Although we are still friends, now we only speak two or three times a year. She’s moved on in her life—the experience is a distant memory.
The same thing happens here at Lovefraud. In the midst of their trauma, readers post frequently. But eventually we stop seeing their names and comments. I hope that means they’ve left the experience behind.
In the end, the real response to the experience with the sociopath is internal. We have to come to terms with the betrayal, the injury, the exploitation. So although it’s hard to give foolproof advice for dealing with the circumstances that the predator creates in our lives, the truly important advice is this: Find a way to heal yourself.
Princesspants,
I’m sorry it has taken so long to get back with you. With respect to your daughter’s SSN, I think you need to ask Matt about that one.
Your kids being so young may work in your favor. Once you get the excitement and conflict out of child custody exchanges, he may lose interest. Sociopaths have short attention spans after things get dull.
Usedabused,
“There is a post about making up to those you have hurt over the S, I need to read that. I have people who have waited weeks for their checks because I gave him money. It hurts like hell. People who love me and want me to succeed, waiting to get paid for legitimate work because I fell for some pity story and bailed him out of this or paid his rent or whatever.”
I’ve got a lot of people I love and a lot of people who love me. I’ve got a web of relationships and obligations, and I regret every minute I ever wasted helping the S, because those minutes belonged to me and the good people in my life.
Whenever I’m tempted to spend a penny or a minute taking care of some issue the S has, I remember the people in my life who appreciate it when time, money and energy is expended on their behalf. The S thinks being catered to is his due. He can “talk to the hand”.
elizabeth,
i’m so sorry. i know i have also hurt people by helping the s/p/n. there was so much good i could have done with the tens of thousands i forked over to that ungrateful bastard. how do we make up for those things? now that there is NO money left, and i’m broke and alone, i believe we must be a phoenix — rise back up and reclaim our power and worth.
the regrets are hard. 22 years of my life focused on his well-being, no appreciation, and with barely a thank you.
we really need to focus on those who can appreciate our gifts … whatever those gifts may be.
Dear LIG,
Yes, I can relate to the “wasteage” of resorces and time on the Ps. When you have a P in your family, they EAT UP all the family resources in time, money, etc. and deprive the others of their “fair share.”
There’s no way to put those resources or those minutes back in the pot and reallocate them the way they should have been done. “The saddest words of tongue or pen, it might have been” (maybe not an exact quote, but you get the idea) All we can do is to sincerely apologize to those we “neglected” if they are still in our lives, and pray for forgiveness from them and from God for not using our “talents” more wisely.
In the end, the Ps are like two-headed dogs demanding meat, and when we run out of meat to throw them, they devour even our own flesh.
Forgiving MYSELF for this was difficult. (((hugs))))
I see so many responses concerning husbands/wives/partners; I’m dealing instead with my son who I feel sure is an APD. He’s living with us (his father and me) in our home while on parole from prison. And, for the first time, I’m thinking of life after telling him we’re done. How do I pursue doing what’s best for me and my husband, when it means turning my child “out”?
Hi All, My first trip here on the keyboard.
One thing I have to say is its so easy to get involved with an S. Almost no effort required to have or hold on to one for awhile. Didn’t even have to buy her dinner lol.
Short and sweet she’s a beautiful 27 yr old me 46 years young. Shes married which goes against everything i believe in, had a cheating wife myself. Became what I hated , the other man grrrr I have to live with that. No Contact?
Man its not easy. Incredible how we take them back over and over again. Even more amazing how they come back after all the cursing and nasty talking like you just met them again , like it never happened. cookoo cookoo. Sometimes wish her husband would hear of me and come whip my arse, no contact would be eaiser with a broken leg. Well anyway its a battle with ourselves I know. Real or not to them It feels so good to us. Good Luck All.
Dear Kimberly,
I recommend “Setting Limits With Your Adult Children”
http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Boundaries-Your-Adult-Children/dp/0736921354#
Maybe there’s something there you’ll find helpful. It’s a very good book that directly addresses the issues you are wrestling with.
kimberly:
I’m not a parent, although I have read the book Elizabeth Conley recommended. However, I can speak a bit to cutting off a sociopathic ex-con, since that’s what my ex-partner is. And to really ice the cake, I was a criminal defense attorney so I really should have known that many of cons/ex-cons are sociopaths. I should have, and I still got sucked in.
When he ran his first pity play on me, several months after we met, he came clean about having just been released from prison. And I love this man so much that I was determined to do everything I could to see that he succeeded.
Then, gradually, I realized he was back on drugs. That he was bleeding me dry financially. That he was cheating on me. That he was abusing me emotionally. That he was playing me the same way he played the probation system.
When I finally had to admt that he didn’t love me, never had, all his protestations to the contrary, I thought I was going to die. But, I realized if I didn’t save myself, I was going to kill myself. More to the point, I realized that these creatures are survivors — all their tears to the contrary, they will find somebody new to play, somebody new to bleed.
When I finally realized I had to save myself, he came to my apartment with one mission — to get 10 grand out of me because his locks had been changed by his landlord. I have subsequently learned that he was a busy boy that weekend — he got the 10 grand out of his boss. And his father. And a friend who lives around the corner from me.
One of the hardest things I had to do, when I finally figured out what I had on my hands was turning off everything that made me human. I had to shut off the love. I had to shut off the compassion. I had to shut off my understanding. Or, to put it another way, to get rid of a sociopath, become a sociopath.
I don’t envy your situation. But, you have to save yourself and your husband. Otherwise you will be bled dry pouring every emotional and financial resource into the bottomless pit these people are.
Ntmare, I agree it is amazing that despite all their threats they come back. They come back they know that you are vulnerable to their game. It’s because, in the moment, they are able to be so convincing. They can flip a switch within themselves to morph their personalities to the situation. What interests me is that so many of us are intelligent, compassionate. giving people. Apparently those good qualities are the very thing that makes us targets for these individuals. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Admitting that someone is using you in love is the most difficult thing ever. At least it is for me.
I’m here again, because my guy, whom has every behavior listed in this article, is to top it off, extremely manipulative and can tell the truth better than a person who is actually telling the truth.
In the past couple of weeks, the truth about this situation, me and him, is becoming frighteningly more clear…especially after reading up on Sociopaths.
I thought it was emotional abuse, or things we could work on, or that I was co-dependent….and he was simply an alcoholic suffering. But I think I am wrong. I am starting to see it much differently now. I know many alcoholics who are not manipulative, or emotionally abusive, or controlling. I
I have checked myself pretty well for co-dependent behaviors…I have very little co-dependent behvaiors. Ive checked myself for being verbally abusive…which to him, means confronting with facts, or problems that I need to be resolved in the relationship. To him, it is all an attack…on his very personality.
He has every behavior trait listed above. Broken promises, the rules change every week. What he says, changes from day to day, and when I confront him with what someone else has said, he can deny it while looking me straight in the eyes…and if that doesn’t work, he resorts to crying or accusing me of attacking him verbally.
He frauded my taxes a couple years ago, and now I have to pay the state back. I was dumb enough to let him do my taxes. I usually let my sister do them for me…because I am horrible with this stuff. Well, I asked him how he was going to help me straighten out this situation and pay the state back. He said “You had the ultimate choice about doing the taxes.” Well, I did let him do my taxes, but I later found out how that he manipulated my figures to get more money back. HE threw a hissy fit, said I was attacking him, when I was merely upset, because of the situation it put me into, and the next day, wrote me a letter of how terrible I am. How I take advantage of the state, how terrible I am being a horrible mother to my kids, and how I try to put responsibility on to him and point the finger at him. He then started drinking from 9:30 in the morning,m while I was at college. At night, about 8:30, he called me from the bar and told me to go and pick him up. I refused, and said he could spend the night at his Uncles house. He continued to call and demand that I go pick him up, and said he had a LETTER for me. He couldnt wait to get this letter to me. He then follishly drove to his friends house, where he continued to drink, and call me. HE couldn’t wait til I heard what was in his letter, so he read it to me, screaming at the top of his lungs…I heard his freind tell him to settle down, he wasa being too loud. He then started screaming F- you! over and over…(I got a picture in my head of him strangling his friend, because it got quiet on the phone…and then the phone hung up.)
About an hour later, he called for me to bail him out of jail, but I wouldn’t answer the phone. I did talk to his friend though who said he had attacked him and his 17 year old son, which he admitted to later that night, after he talked the police into letting him take a cab home to my house. He had gotten arrested for O.U.I….and drugs, vicodin. he had an excuse for the pills, and told me he was only reparking the car acrossed the lot, because his friend wouldn’t let him keep it in the driveway. BUT, his friend had told me on the phone, that he himself had made this lie up to tell the police to try and get him out of the O.U.I. But my boyfriend told me this lie too, to justify him getting arrested.
He came home at 3 in the morning, tearing and crying and saying sorry. The police were called, because of how loud he had been screaming at me on the phone, and screaming in general. He said it was because I had stressed him out so bad the day before, accussing him of being responsible for my taxes (which he prepared, typed and submitted) and that I treated our relationship like we were SEPERATE. Everytime I read the letter, I get sick to my stomach….and know how he must of planned his revenge on me for wanting to solve the problem he created.
I feel like I have to prove my sanity here, and hope that I am not insane or misreading his behavior. It is like, everyone else is lying, and he is telling the truth, and he can put this spell on me, long enough for me to forgive him, and then I feel like I have to follow through on my words of not leaving him.
Today, his NEW job called here, and asked for the insurance he had said was underneath me. There is no insurance underneath me. He started his job with out insurance and lied about it, and used me, to make it look like he had to get the paper work from me for the car insurance. The woman who called for this insurance policy said “well, have him call me, he will know exactly what I am talking about.” Then my boyfriend called from lunch, I told him about the car insurance policy this woman was looking for underneath me, and he said he never said such a thing or ever talked to that woman about any such thing. HE LIED, and he lied so well again, that I find myself believing it. He said she must have him confused with someone else.
Well, now that he got an O.U.I and was busted without insurance for his satelite job, I am sure he will lose his job. he is lieing to me about all kinds of things, even trivial things….that we could resolve with out a problem. He won’t tell the whole truth, or he will completely deny the truth.
In my gut, i know, that if he had made it home the other night, and had not gotten busted for O.U.I he would have torn right into my soul that night, and it may have been my teenage son that he attacked. He admitted to strangling both his friend and his friends son, and justified it, like there was nothing at all wrong with this picture…this is horrifying to me. He got home at about 3 in the morning, and was SORROWFUL