Just about every day, Lovefraud receives e-mail from readers who are looking for answers about confusing, contradictory and abusive behavior exhibited by people in their lives. The new readers don’t understand what they are dealing with; they just tell, either in a few paragraphs or lengthy compositions, their stories. The e-mails describe some or many of the following behaviors:
- Pathological lying
- Pity plays
- Shallow emotions
- Devalue and discard
- Cheating or promiscuity
- Addiction to drugs or alcohol
- Controlling demands
- Financial irresponsibility
- Manipulation of children
- Broken promises
- Claims of “you made me do it”
- Pleas of “I’ll never do it again”
The readers ask, “Am I involved with a sociopath?”
For those of us who now know what sociopathic behavior looks like, it is apparent that the answer is yes—or that at least the readers are describing sociopathic traits.
More than 1,300 people have contacted Lovefraud with their stories—and others have told their stories in comments posted on this blog. In all of them, the same behavior patterns are described over and over again. In fact, many of you have wondered (facetiously) if you were all involved with the same person.
Asking for advice
When newbies, who have been confused by lies and broken promises, learn that there is a personality disorder that describes what they’ve been dealing with, they have a few reactions. One is relief that they are not crazy—they really are experiencing irrational demands and covert manipulation.
Another is horror at the magnitude of the problems they face—especially upon learning that there really isn’t any treatment for a sociopath. With that, the new reader starts asking for advice, and this is where things get tricky.
Here are questions that I’ve been asked:
- He’s threatened to kill me—will he do it?
- How do I get the judge to see the truth?
- How can I get the authorities to arrest her?
- How can I protect my children?
- How can I get my money back?
- What should I do?
As much as I wish that any of us who are further along the road of understanding could answer these questions, the reality is, we can’t.
Each situation is unique
Although we often see the same patterns of behavior, each sociopath is unique. Each victim is unique. Each situation is unique. As victims try to extricate themselves from entanglements with sociopaths, any and all of these issues may be pivotal:
- How much clout does the sociopath have in the community?
- How well can the sociopath manipulate the legal system?
- How much money does the sociopath have to throw into the conflict?
- Who believes the sociopath?
- Who can the sociopath make into allies?
- Are there any witnesses? Will they speak up?
- How old are the children?
- What office politics are involved?
- Do legal authorities take the case seriously?
- Are there any ties that can’t be broken?
- How much money does the victim have (remaining)?
- How much strength does the victim have to continue the battle?
Sometimes I feel so helpless. I can offer some generalizations about what sociopaths tend to do—based on the 1,300 cases I’ve learned about—but I cannot predict what any particular sociopath will do, how authorities may react, or if anyone will see through the deceptions. All of this makes it very difficult to give advice.
Solitary journey
In reality, extricating ourselves, recovering from, and coming to terms with the sociopath(s) in our life is a solitary journey. Other people may make suggestions, but we must ultimately make the decisions on how to cope.
And sometimes the range of the choices we have the ability to make is very narrow. A judge may decide on joint custody of children, or even award custody to the sociopath. Law enforcement may decline to investigate or prosecute. If we win our case in civil court, we may never collect a judgment.
In situations like these, decisions are taken away from us.
When that happens, our only choices have to do with our own attitude. Are we going to let the sociopath sink us? Or are we going to somehow find a way to heal?
Real response is internal
There is great wisdom in the adage, “This, too, shall pass.”
It’s been 10 years since I left my sociopathic ex-husband. I’ve processed most of the emotional trauma associated with the experience, so it doesn’t have the grip on me that it once did. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m running Lovefraud, it would have no grip on me at all.
Ten years ago, I was on the phone with another woman scammed by my husband multiple times a day. Although we are still friends, now we only speak two or three times a year. She’s moved on in her life—the experience is a distant memory.
The same thing happens here at Lovefraud. In the midst of their trauma, readers post frequently. But eventually we stop seeing their names and comments. I hope that means they’ve left the experience behind.
In the end, the real response to the experience with the sociopath is internal. We have to come to terms with the betrayal, the injury, the exploitation. So although it’s hard to give foolproof advice for dealing with the circumstances that the predator creates in our lives, the truly important advice is this: Find a way to heal yourself.
Dear NOTagain,
Yep, you are right on, he sounds like a LOST CAUSE PSYCHOPATH TO ME, the only option you have for gettin gout of this is to throw him out if he lives with you, and go NO CONTACT. Even if he has no other place to go, put his things outside on the porch or street, get him out of your life. NO CONTACT.
I know it will not be easy, but you seem to have come to the final realization that this man will not and cannot be honest, or tell the truth. It is always going to be someone else’s fault that he gets into trouble, that he has no car insurance, etc.
What do you need this man in your life for? Name ONE good reason and I will tell you to work on the relationship. I will tell you to supply all his needs and believe all his lies and pretend that he is Prince Charming. If you can’t do that, then NO CONTACT immediately is the only answer. ((((hugs)))) Glad you are here and glad you are “getting it”—it is the only way to heal from these people. God bless you.
I think that the no contact is easier said than done when you are just starting to realize that your partner is socipathic. I agree that that must be the final result but it is very hard, after years of being indoctrinated that you are the cause of the problems, to just say OK No Contact at all. You need to develop the strength to counter years of emotional abuse. I am not saying that that will take more years. Hopefully not!! But when the light is just dawning that the person you are dealing with is sociopathic, it is obviously going to take more than a day or two. Now if they are physically abusing you, then you must stop seeing or talking to them immediately! Once you realize that your partner fits the profile, then start adding up all the times you were lied to, manipulated and used. It doesn’t take long to realize that they know every button to push to get you to do what they want so you CANNOT listen to them anymore and cut off contact.
You are right, Jell, it does take time, but the more time you stay in contact with them after you realize what they are, the longer and harder it is. ANY contact with them gives them more room to manuver and to SUCK YOU BACK INTO THE DRAMA. Many times they will do or say ANYTHING to keep you hooked in, you have ALWAYS eventually been hooked back in in the past, so they see no reason that you won’t be again if they just try a little harder. Or change tactics a bit….the NO contact is only the START of the healing process, not the end of it.
Until I finally bit the bullet and realized that ANY contact was keeping me hooked, and went NC did I realize I would never have made another step forward without NC. It is a leap of faith, but one that has been made over and over by others before us. Since my “egg donor” is not herself a psychopath, but the ENABLER of one, I didn’t see that I had to go NC with her as well, but I did, and didn’t start to heal until I had them AND her out of my life. And that was just the start of the healing process.
Some people, unfortunately, never make that leap of faith and stick to it. They are perpetually drawn back in when they break NC—sort of like an alcoholic trying to have “just one drink” or a crack addict, just one pipe full—just doesn’t make the cut! Many times as well we have to stay away from their friends, family, as well, because again, it is like the alcoholic who has stopped drinking, hanging out with his drinking buddies at the bar, it isn’t gonna work.
A really good book to read is called , “The Gift of Fear.”
I had read it a few years back, but now I need to be applying that knowledge.
No contact doesn’t work with him, because he will keep calling and calling, until finally, when i do not answer, he will show up at my door. For me, it is my empathy that gets played, and I know that now. All he has to do, is pretend that his life is just a mess, and that he is not going to make it without me, and he has these puppy eyes that get me everytime….I’m pathetic. i have to remember though, that everytime he gets what he wants (a relationship back with me) that fake sorrow goes away, and he starts making rules around my house, and walking around like the king.
I need to go back and read the book, The Gift of Fear, again, because your fear is your gift….It is there to protect you. I recently realized after talking with his mother, that even she is afraid of him…..she is not allowed to even talk about him to others no matter what, or she will get screamed at. Something is very very wrong with that picture. She said she would call me today, because she wanted to know about the incident the other night with him getting arrested, and that she would talk to me more about what she knows, but she didn’t call…I feel it is because she is afraid.
Hi Oxxdrover…:)
I think you are right too, about the one more drink, deal? For me, in this relationship, it is about him manipulating my emotions…until they feel good. That feeling good, for a while, is what they get to give you, and then take away…until they have complete control.
I realize now, that I have let him control my emotions…I find myself taking my anger and feelings of being betrayed, and letting them be manipulated into forgiveness by him…So awareness is key for me at this point.
It does hurt to think of letting him go, because I just simply love him…but then again.,…I get and feel a million times better for everyday that he is not with me. I feel relieved when he is gone…I feel free in my own home. When he walks in the house, the atmosphere changes.
Dear Not again,
THAT IS THE THING—YOU LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU=—-and you can NOT let him manipulate you. It is your choice, my dear, whether you want to be manipulated with the “drug” that is killing you or whether you want to get off the “addiction.” You have the same choice to make that the alcoholic makes or the drug addict. As long as you hang around the “pusher” you are going to STAY ADDICTED.
ONLY YOU can take back the control over your emotions that YOU HAVE GIVEN HIM. When you really decide you have had enough, you will do what you know is the ONLY way you can get free of him. NO CONTACT. ZIP, ZERO, NADA, NONE, ZILCH, ABSOLUTELY NONE and even when he shows up at your door, you DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR.
You get a restraining order if you have to. Sure he will keep trying until he sees you are really serious. In the past you have always given in eventually, so only when you really make up your mind and stick to it are you actually going to break free. You have the choice to do it or not as you so choose.
Yes, it hurts for a while to get out of the addiction “cold turkey” but it is the ONLY way to do so. I wish there was another way. Believe me, I tried, and tried and tried, but as others told me (as I am telling you) you are FOOLING YOURSELF and that is the only one you are fooling.
Dear Ox:
You are right–no contact is the way out. Like you said, contact is like the drug that draws you back in. You might want to take a taste but then you are quickly hooked. I totally relate to what NotAgain is saying about feeling better every day when he is not around. There was a real sense of relief when he was gone. It was like laying down a heavy load. I think what I was trying to say before was that when you first have the realization that they are the sick ones, you want to deny it to yourself because then you have to admit that you let this bad person into your life and KEPT them there by buying into their game. I know that I let NC slip because having to face that they were really not good people was SO Painful because I then had to look at what I had let them DO to my life and after all, wasn’t I smarter than that. I refused to admit for the longest time that he had spent all my money, didn’t help with the bills, cheated on me. I rationalized the cheating by saying to myself that he loved his kids so much–haha–that he had to put up with the ex-wife. Man that was sick. If I really look at what he did then I had to really look at the fact that I felt weak, small, out of control and unlovable. That is the hard part even though the rational part of me knew it wasn’t true. Everyone else in my life thinks so highly of me but he could say one word or two and I was there. There was an element too that I wanted to win something-his love, his respect, his faithfulness and to admit that he was never going give me any of that because he is NOT capable of feeling them is a very painful fact to face but face it you must. Every time you listen to them, call them, miss them or love them you will NOT get what you seek and cold turkey is what must happen. You are right Ox, you are only fooling yourself if you think that you can remain in some kind of contact with them. I know that contact makes the temptation to know what he is doing too overwhelming and painful. Sometimes I think that, like drug addicts or cults, we need to have a “detox” from these people.
notagain:
“I have to remember though, that everytime he gets what he wants (a relationship back with me)…”
Having walked a mile in your shoes, I can tell you a good starting point is admitting you DO NOT have a relationship with this creature. A relationship implies mutuality of caring. Sociopaths are incapable of caring about others.
It was so hard for me to admit that I didn’t have a relationship with the S. All I was for him was a source of supply — money, social standing, legal advice, the works. Getting honest about what exactly you are to him helps to break free.
Dear Jell,
That is what NC IS—DETOX! It takes a while away from them for the POISON OF THEIR VOICES to get out of our heads, just like if you are “high” on a drug, it takes a while to gt it out of your system to be “clean and sober”—sometimes it is months before the TOXINS of the psychopaths get out of our system so that we are “Sober” enough to think straight.
Believe me, I was a long while before I got completely “sober” and as I discarded each of the Ps out of my life, I got a little better. Unfortunately, I had SEVERAL addictions, in a series and multiple “addictions” at the same time, so for me it was a WHOLE RESTRUCTURING OF MY THOUGHTS and my life. It stripped me down to the BARE BONES of existence—and almost took that as well.
I realize now that I can’t “do it alone” that I must turn to my “higher power” to support me, my faith in my God, because what has happened to me, and to many others here is more than a simple human animal can handle…it is a spiritual fight as well as an emotional one. The good in us vs. the evil in them, the evil forces that they loose on us.
Recognizing that, and distancing ourselves from the evil of their voices, the temptations for the “easy fix” of what they offer—it is difficult, but I think it is the ONLY way we can survive and grow.
Whatever your spiritual belief is, I think you must rely on that as well to over come the addictions that we have let ourselves get hooked on. The fantasy that they can provide us “love”—-
Matt,
“a good starting point is admitting you DO NOT have a relationship with this creature. A relationship implies mutuality of caring. Sociopaths are incapable of caring about others. ”
Brilliantly simple and absolutely true.