Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
My ex has almost all the characteristics I have read on your site. He lies habitually, is financially irresponsible, and lets the burden fall on friends and family, and he started to burden me from the beginning financially on a small scale. I had hints in the beginning that he was a jerk when he disrespected my father (I wasn’t sure at the time if it was on purpose, or inadvertent), but at the same time it was confusing because he seemed so pleasant, helpful and charming. He also cooked for me every night and helped me with my kids, but as far as work goes, he was lazy and lied about working at times. He borrowed small amounts of money from me, which I stopped lending him right away; I was not stupid about him in that respect. At the end he lived with me for 4 months, and never contributed much financially, that’s one reason I ended it finally. And the lying got to be too much; I don’t know what I was thinking. I do not know of any infidelity, but I suppose it’s possible.
His family actually admitted to me that he lies all the time, that’s just him. He finally admitted it to me in a round about way that he does lie, but he said that his family finds it “endearing” of all things!!
He also got psycho when I broke it off, just like in your article — he even admitted himself to the hospital complaining of heart problems. He was there 2 days and was then sent home as being fine, and they sent him home with Xanex. While he was there he called me for pity, saying he was there because I broke up with him.
But what throws me off a little is that he appears to be, if anything, abnormally attached to his daughter. It seems overbearing at times. Later in our relationship I saw sometimes total disregard for her in other less obvious ways, which I found off. The other thing that throws me off is he was very physically affectionate with me, and very clingy, almost codependent that way. And he does have friends from childhood who live out of state (who I have met) but he’s lived in Florida for about 10 years and has no real friends here. He is very close with his family.
Could he still be a sociopath???
Psychopathy syndrome
Psychopathy, also called sociopathy, is a syndrome. A syndrome is defined as “a group of symptoms that together are characteristic of a specific disorder, disease or the like.”
The key symptoms of psychopathy, according to Dr. Robert Hare, are the following:
- Glib and superficial
- Egocentric and grandiose
- Lack of remorse or guilt
- Lack of empathy
- Deceitful and manipulative
- Shallow emotions
- Impulsive
- Poor behavior controls
- Need for excitement
- Lack of responsibility
- Early behavior problems
- Adult antisocial behavior
However, not all psychopaths have all the symptoms. Plus, psychopaths can have the symptoms to varying degrees. For example, some—perhaps the one described in the letter—may not have a pronounced need for excitement. They may be content to find some chump to support them and then sit on their butts. But if the person had all the other traits—well, he or she may very well have the personality disorder.
Holding on to hope
I’ve heard from several Lovefraud readers who seem to be holding on to the hope that a person is not a psychopath because he or she doesn’t exhibit one of the behaviors. One woman said that although her boyfriend exhibited all the other traits, he never tried to get money from her, so maybe he wasn’t really a psychopath. Another wrote that her boyfriend would kiss her with what seemed like such depth of emotion—how could he be lacking in empathy?
One of the markers of a budding psychopath is that as a child, he or she is cruel to animals. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, seemed to love animals. He owned several dogs and took mine for a walk every morning. He brought home four exotic pets—a hedgehog, two sugar gliders, and a chinchilla. Once the chinchilla got loose and caught his foot in a humidifier, which sent him into shock. My husband performed chinchilla CPR, and the animal recovered. Did any of this make him less of a psychopath? Absolutely not. He was quite happy to take a quarter million dollars from me, cheat on me throughout our short marriage, have a child with another woman and then commit bigamy to marry her.
Don’t quibble about one missing trait
So, here is how I replied to the letter above:
There are degrees to which someone can be a sociopath—some are worse than others. It is also possible to have several personality disorders or conditions at the same time. This is called “co-morbidity.” Your ex definitely sounds like he has sociopathic traits, but he could also have other problems.
The attention paid to his daughter could be for show. Sociopaths often act like they care—when it is all a charade. The fact that he also disregarded her is telling.
Sociopaths are highly sexual. It may be difficult to tell whether there was actual affection involved.
Whatever his problems are, it is good that you are away from him.
If someone has come into your life who has most of the symptoms of a psychopath, don’t quibble about the one or two that may not be very pronounced. When most of the traits are present, run, don’t walk, for the nearest exit.
Cat, powerful words!!!! Yes, we DO become immersed in it, don’t we? I sure did – I engaged in lying and helped the ex spath to file false insurance claims……hell, YES I did. And, I also engaged in a multitude of other sins that I knew, at the time, were “wrong” and chose to go with the program instead of saying, “NO! I’m NOT going to do this, anymore!” To do otherwise meant more severe abuse! Standing accountable for my stupidity was one of the first things that I did – I wrote a long letter to both of my parents outlining everything that I had taken part in and done during my marriage to the ex spath. I knew it was a risk that I might lose their love – it was something that I had to do. I HAD to do it to wipe the slate clean and this was not suggested, recommended, or instructed by any counselor or therapist. This was something that I felt was necessary for me. I kept the accounting to my actions, only. What the ex spath did was congealing on his own plate and I couldn’t (and, wouldn’t) apologize for his sins – ONLY my own.
To my wonder, my parents not only forgave me for my stupidity, but they developed a respect for me that I had never known during my entire life.
Dear Buttons,
The first step we must make in changing our lives is to admit the things we have done that are wrong, either by ommission or commission. Acknowledge those things–amend them if possible, but have a genuine sorrow that we did them, and accept responsibility for our choices to do them.
The person who can never admit their own wrong doing, take responsibility for it, feel guilty for having done wrong, and make amends if possible….they can never heal, or grow. That’s the psychopath.
We may have done some pretty “bad” things but we knew they were wrong and we chose to do them any way, to excuse our bad behavior—but we felt guilty about doing them even if we did them. The psychopath has no guilty feeling for their bad deeds, but only entitlement.
The Bible says that there is more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than 99 who need no repentence! And I also know that “feeling clean” after TRULY repenting and no longer bearing that burden of guilt is a wonderful feeling in itself. But6, while our souls may be forgiven and pure, if there aqre LEGAL consequences for anything we did, we still OWE THAT DEBT.
Last night reading that link Blogger T put up about the Baptist ministers who were child abusers and the one said that since his “sin” was covered by the “blood of jesus” it COULD NEVER BE MENTIONED AGAIN. He was confusing (choosing to confuse, obviously) spiritual forgiveness with LEGAL consequences and they are NOT the same thing. But how TYPICAL of a psychopath to interpret things that way! LOL
THEY can’t help it. Its what they do. They may know its a choice, but one they make with compulsion.
We truly have the advantage of reason.
list of traits in targetted individuals, from the website, the Sociopathic Style
http://www.sociopathicstyle.com/traits/victims.htm
This list is not exhaustive. A person possessing the traits listed below is a prime target for victimization by a person desiring a Sociopathic Styleâ„¢ relationship.
* A belief that if you love enough the person will change
* A belief that if you love enough the relationship will succeed
* Difficulty establishing and maintaining boundaries
* Not being able to say no
* Being easily influenced by others
* Wanting to be rescued from your life situation
* Wanting to rescue others from their distress
* Being over nurturing particularly when not asked
* Feelings of shame and self doubt
* Low self esteem
* A lack of memories about childhood or periods of adulthood
* Shyness
* Difficulty communicating
* A lack of self confidence
* Wanting to please
* A lack of motivation from within and being motivated by
what others want
found THIS very interesting: ‘* A lack of memories about childhood or periods of adulthood’
i have a lack o f memories – anyone else?
Very interesting, One Step. I got most of these too. My memory is horrific since childhood. I’ve always thought it was some disorder. I overcompensate by good brains, but have no attention to detail. When I remember my past, it comes in pieces and as if it were with someone else. But, that’s the PTSD thing, and I am not sure when it started. I’ve had my shares of trauma though. But, nothing, nothing could compare to the snake that I put close to my heart.
Poor memory sometimes means poor concentration, daydreaming, poor recall, etc. I wonder what exactly they mean? dissociation?
Lack of memory (short term) boy, that fits me, but I can date that to the day, hour, and date of the aircraft crash! Prior to that I had GREAT recall short and long term. I could quote back to you a list of 100 numbers, and give them to you backwards, forwards, skip every other one, or every thrid one. It was almost a “parlor trick” no big deal! After the crash, I couldn’t remember 2 numbers in sequence, couldn’t dial a phone number, and forgot the way to my best friend’s house where I had been 1000 times.
I also know I dissociated too, usually when Ii was in some kind of emergency situation where I thought I was going to die (a car wreck once and a couple of other times) supposedly people who are more easily hypnotized or who dissociate in face of danger (freeze in response to stress) are more apt to get PTSD that is severe and that hangs around a while. I realize now that the plane crash wasn’t the first time I had PTSD either.
But I think just as a psychopath is more prone genetically to be a prepedator there are those of us more genetically and environmentally prone to be unresisting victims under certain circumstances.
I’ve seen prey animals when in the inescapable clutches of big cats Dissociate and “self pacify” so that they are not feeling any pain as they die. They have “blanked out” sort of. In a way it is somewhat conforting to know they aren’t suffering. It is only if we LIVE over the “lifethreatening” event that we suffer from the PTSD. I guess that is the price we pay for the comfort we get in the moment of stress when we think we are going to die.
Adrenaline is also a very potent anesthetic. If you are injured and bones are broken, you may not feel the pain for several hours due to the natural pain killers that broken bones release in our brains. Been there and done that one too.
In the meantime, I can use my intellectual capacity to THINK to work through the trauma of being a survivor! As I am working on it, and as time goes by, I know that it is up to me to keep myself safe and stay out of the territory of the killers.
If I stay terrorized, I can’t protect myself, and even if I did, life wouldn’t be worth very much living like that! The best revenge is a good life! Living until we do die, not dying over and over every minute of every day!
I don’t have a lot of childhood memories. I have even resorted to asking my sister “What was I like? How did Dad treat us? Etc, etc.” I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
you know, I’ve been thinking lately: I had lived through one rape, one attempted rape, a terrible near death crash, two clinical deaths, gun pointed at me, several robberies, horrible pains, kids being terribly ill. It’s never been easy, but I took it as Life goes on, and the nucleus stays in tact. Once I let the Psycho inside that “nucleus”, things changed. Perhaps, we’ve all had trauma before, but were able to manage it, some better, some – not so well. Yet, when it is someone you trust most and love most who betrays you and threatens your life, things look a lot different. Suddenly, trust is not a word you understand and stress is not a passing traumatic event, but a horrid present that haunts and haunts you (of course, had I not had a child with IT, I’d be much better off emotionally) so, I am sure things are not so glim for everyone and there is yet hope for me.
Here is a link to a very interesting video of James Biela (curretnly on trial for murdering 19 year old Briana Denison and raping 2 college girls)
This video is of him in the interogation room and his GF was allowed to go in and speak to him.
I’ts hard to hear in bits….but listen to him…..she is hysterical wanting to know if he ‘did it’….if he is the killer.
At some points he’s picking his nails…..and when he hugs her….he lifts his hand up like he’s bored to death.
His arms are not giving an endearing I love you hug.
He keeps saying he’s a ‘fuck up’….I’m sorry I’m a fuck up.
But he won’t admit to killing or raping.
He also has those crocodile tears going on.
It is classic behavior of a sociopath to watch….IN ACTION!
From first glance, the gf looks just like any of us….and he does to. And several years ago…..I would have been fooled by the ‘appearance’ of the ‘nice family’.
NOT TODAY!
I see him, clear as a bell……
Also watching him in court is spooky. He’s very empty.
In this video he sounds like a forced whiney weirdo.
He asks his gf will you always love me…..ensuring that he will always have a ‘supply’…..as he KNOWS he’s going down!
He also says Don’t tell ‘josh’ (their 4 year old son).
His poor gf just wants to hear it…….BUT….he ain’t gonna give her what SHE wants….the truth….he dances around it.
He NEVER denies it, but he won’t answer her questions.
His actions of hugging her are forced….
CHECK it out and tell me what you think.
http://www.rgj.com/article/20100520/NEWS01/100520040