Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader:
My ex has almost all the characteristics I have read on your site. He lies habitually, is financially irresponsible, and lets the burden fall on friends and family, and he started to burden me from the beginning financially on a small scale. I had hints in the beginning that he was a jerk when he disrespected my father (I wasn’t sure at the time if it was on purpose, or inadvertent), but at the same time it was confusing because he seemed so pleasant, helpful and charming. He also cooked for me every night and helped me with my kids, but as far as work goes, he was lazy and lied about working at times. He borrowed small amounts of money from me, which I stopped lending him right away; I was not stupid about him in that respect. At the end he lived with me for 4 months, and never contributed much financially, that’s one reason I ended it finally. And the lying got to be too much; I don’t know what I was thinking. I do not know of any infidelity, but I suppose it’s possible.
His family actually admitted to me that he lies all the time, that’s just him. He finally admitted it to me in a round about way that he does lie, but he said that his family finds it “endearing” of all things!!
He also got psycho when I broke it off, just like in your article — he even admitted himself to the hospital complaining of heart problems. He was there 2 days and was then sent home as being fine, and they sent him home with Xanex. While he was there he called me for pity, saying he was there because I broke up with him.
But what throws me off a little is that he appears to be, if anything, abnormally attached to his daughter. It seems overbearing at times. Later in our relationship I saw sometimes total disregard for her in other less obvious ways, which I found off. The other thing that throws me off is he was very physically affectionate with me, and very clingy, almost codependent that way. And he does have friends from childhood who live out of state (who I have met) but he’s lived in Florida for about 10 years and has no real friends here. He is very close with his family.
Could he still be a sociopath???
Psychopathy syndrome
Psychopathy, also called sociopathy, is a syndrome. A syndrome is defined as “a group of symptoms that together are characteristic of a specific disorder, disease or the like.”
The key symptoms of psychopathy, according to Dr. Robert Hare, are the following:
- Glib and superficial
- Egocentric and grandiose
- Lack of remorse or guilt
- Lack of empathy
- Deceitful and manipulative
- Shallow emotions
- Impulsive
- Poor behavior controls
- Need for excitement
- Lack of responsibility
- Early behavior problems
- Adult antisocial behavior
However, not all psychopaths have all the symptoms. Plus, psychopaths can have the symptoms to varying degrees. For example, some—perhaps the one described in the letter—may not have a pronounced need for excitement. They may be content to find some chump to support them and then sit on their butts. But if the person had all the other traits—well, he or she may very well have the personality disorder.
Holding on to hope
I’ve heard from several Lovefraud readers who seem to be holding on to the hope that a person is not a psychopath because he or she doesn’t exhibit one of the behaviors. One woman said that although her boyfriend exhibited all the other traits, he never tried to get money from her, so maybe he wasn’t really a psychopath. Another wrote that her boyfriend would kiss her with what seemed like such depth of emotion—how could he be lacking in empathy?
One of the markers of a budding psychopath is that as a child, he or she is cruel to animals. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, seemed to love animals. He owned several dogs and took mine for a walk every morning. He brought home four exotic pets—a hedgehog, two sugar gliders, and a chinchilla. Once the chinchilla got loose and caught his foot in a humidifier, which sent him into shock. My husband performed chinchilla CPR, and the animal recovered. Did any of this make him less of a psychopath? Absolutely not. He was quite happy to take a quarter million dollars from me, cheat on me throughout our short marriage, have a child with another woman and then commit bigamy to marry her.
Don’t quibble about one missing trait
So, here is how I replied to the letter above:
There are degrees to which someone can be a sociopath—some are worse than others. It is also possible to have several personality disorders or conditions at the same time. This is called “co-morbidity.” Your ex definitely sounds like he has sociopathic traits, but he could also have other problems.
The attention paid to his daughter could be for show. Sociopaths often act like they care—when it is all a charade. The fact that he also disregarded her is telling.
Sociopaths are highly sexual. It may be difficult to tell whether there was actual affection involved.
Whatever his problems are, it is good that you are away from him.
If someone has come into your life who has most of the symptoms of a psychopath, don’t quibble about the one or two that may not be very pronounced. When most of the traits are present, run, don’t walk, for the nearest exit.
Getting it, I can’t remember where I read it but I read something somewhere that said basically, that “BETRAYAL is the worst kind of trauma there is, and the most painful.”
If a snake bites us, it may hurt, may even kill us but we EXPECT a snake to do that, it isn’t like we trusted the snake in the first place, it just did what snakes do. But instead, think let’s say you have a sweet family pet do, as nice a dog as can be, and one day you turn your back on that dog and it kills and eats your child! THAT is BETRAYAL. It is unexpected, it is uncalled for and you will never get over it.
If it had been the snake that bit your kid you could recover, but you could have a hell of a time recovering from the betrayal of the dog you trusted and loved. Now multiply that by your lover killing the child, or your mother kiling the child, or one child killing another. In any of those cases, the child is dead, the loss is the same, but the TRAUMA is not the same.
ErinB,
I’m not sure why but I was able to watch that video on my usually SLOW connection to the internet, and the woman’s heart breaking sobs were so real and his behavior was so PSYCHOPATHIC—sheesh. He had no concept or care for how badly she was hurting, as she realized what a monster he IS! I COULD SO RELATE. I spent three months in the same emotional shape that woman was in after my P son was arrested for murder, and he was so cool, calm and collected, so unfeeling, not even afraid of what he was facing. SHEESH!
OMG, how can anything that looks so human be so INhuman? Be so defective. So empty.
EB, jeez, he looks like he CAN’T WAIT until she just LEAVES the room.
What a monster. Is she still crying about him on the witness stand?
So so true, but through the process of grief and realisation probably most of us have been in this space of doubting our own perception and the evidence in front of us. Doubting yourself becomes second nature with a psychopath – that;s what they get us to do because it benefits their agenda.
It’s natural that this doubting continues even when there is realisation that something is badly (and probably clinically)
wrong. The loose definitions between similar conditions are also confusing – eg narcissism, sociopathy. It’s easy to wonder if one key symptom is missing then does the person really have a personality disorder?
The reality though is the effects are harmful no matter if there is or isn’t a clinical diagnosis. A little pathology results in a whole lotta harm for the victim or target.
We’ve all found that out the hard way.
I feel really bad for the writer of that letter – I remember the bargaining phase all too well when I didn’t want to accept that there was something majorly wrong with him. I remember wishing there was something I could do – anything but have to accept that I had wasted so many years with a person who would never change. I hope she (or he) has come to terms with the reality that they have to leave this person behind for their own sanity. I hope this person has some peace finally.
Holy cow – I watched this video and my blood just ran cold. Not even a shred, hint, or suggestion of emotion – AT ALL. Not even when he asks her if she’ll still love him!
I wonder when (or, even IF) he started HIS crying game…
the video was ordered removed by the judge this morning.
Hmmmmm womder why? Did it ‘show’ too much.
Judge ordered yesterday that certain pictures found on his computer were NOT to be shown to the jury, they were photos of females in thongs, that were apparantly VERY disturbing and the judge said he could not set aside his personal feelings as a father vs being a judge enough to be objective in re; to these photos, and he expected the jury to react the same.
The photos could be described to the jury, but not as pornography, children, sexual etc….only specific words could be used to describe.
(this defendant is said to have a ‘thong fetish’.)
I thought this was weird/telling…..and obviously gave the impression they were very harsh-graffic pictures.
ick
I don’t understand how these vids get on the Internet whiile they are STILL being used in court as evidence.
This guy is as cold as a dead fish if the vid of him and his GF in the interrigation room is any indication.
You see I have NO problem with TRUTHFUL yet graphic and nasty photos being shown to the jury, so what if they “prejudice” the jury against the criminal, isn’t that the PURPOSE OF EVIDENCE in the first place to show that he is GUILTY of HORRIBLE THINGS? So we can just TALK about “He killed these girls and slashed them up with a razor, but you can’t see the photographs of what he did to them cause it might upset you and prejudice you against him?” DUH!????
I knew there was some reason I chose not to go to law school, cause I think it would have tipped me over the edge into a total nut case, pulling my hair out on CNN while screaming THIS IS CRAZY!!!!!
Oxy…That’s my feeling….evidence is evidence. He’s the one who did these ‘actions’ of the graphic stuff.
I didn’t understand the judges ruling on that.
The newspaper that published that video has NOT been following the courts rulings on respecting privacy of certain witnesses….blacking out faces of witnesses….voices, naming children and victims, they have been very ‘flippant’.
My opinion of this guy in person ,is YES….very cold and empty and dark. In the video, hearing his voice…..he had a soft mild tone (matter of fact) to him in video (as fake as he was)….but seeing him in person at the trial….I was surprised at his actual voice.
I shoulda gone to law school…… 🙂
I coulodn’t understaqnd many of his words on the video as she was howling so loudly and her voice covering up anything he said, so I had to just look more at his body language. I also noticed him chewing his fingernails while the GF was with him.
I assume the trial is still going on and you are there watching. Yea, Erin B, you should have gone to law school, still could you know!
Does HE have family there? Is the GF there? I am interested in how HIS family is reacting? When Charles “jackie” Walls III the child molester of 1500 kids went to trial there were NONE of his family there, and as far as I know no one else to support him either, he is literally a “man without a single friend” to care if he lives or dies, and thousands of people who hate him.
I feel for the dead girls and their families but I also feel for the little boy he and GF have and for his family as well, they won’t get any empathy from anyone except someone like us. I do feel for them.