Last week Lovefraud posted a new True Lovefraud Story about a con artist named Dennis SanSeverino. The creep pretended to be loving and rich long enough to convince his victim to trust him. Then he took her home and inheritance.
This story is a classic case of a sociopath targeting the vulnerable.
When the victim, Trish Rynn, met SanSeverino, she had just endured a difficult breakup with her boyfriend. In the months that they got to know each other—Rynn initially refused his many dinner invitations—he must have been listening intently as she chatted about her life. Rynn’s ex-husband was physically abusive. After the marriage ended, Rynn spent 10 years in court fighting child custody and child support battles. The strain sent her into clinical depression, from which she was just beginning to recover.
Rynn was vulnerable, and SanSeverino was attracted like a shark to blood in the water.
SanSeverino started taking Rynn’s money—under the guise of helping her, of course. When Rynn found herself in serious debt due to him, she slipped back into depression. That’s when SanSeverino took her house and the rest of her inheritance.
Sad stories made worse
Lovefraud has heard these truly sad stories over and over again: Grief-stricken people who have lost a spouse or a child, and then lose their insurance settlement to a sociopath. Disabled people who are targeted because they get a minimal subsidy from the government. People struggling to care for someone else—like children or elderly parents—who learn that the assistance promised by a sociopath makes their burdens worse.
And then there are the lonely. Anyone who is lonely for any reason is walking target for a sociopath.
Vigilance when vulnerable
It’s sad, really. When we have problems and need help, we want to be able to trust that offers of assistance are real. When we’re looking for companionship, we want to be able to believe that the person pursuing us is sincere.
But the truth is that when we’re vulnerable, we need to be especially vigilant. Sociopaths are predators, and wounded prey make for an easy kill.
Oh, ladies – moral integrity, indeed.
Mine was sleeping with a married woman, before me. I asked him why he didn’t just go back with her (when it was discovered he had lied about not talking to her anymore).
His answer? Well, I could never really *trust* her. HER! Hah! Because you know, she was cheating on her spouse ALL BY HERSELF, of course.
He’s always had situational ethics….a certain flexibility in morals, shall we say…flexible like Nadia Comanechi, that is – moral limbo dancing.
I am embarrassed to say that I got involved with this man while I was still married. This didn’t seem to bother him.
Mine was always preaching about moral integrity – what a hypocrite!
He said that we couldn’t move in together because it wouldn’t look right to his grandchildren since we weren’t married. The real reason should be that he wouldn’t be able to be with the other woman. I don’t know if there were more than one.
He said that it was too early after my divorce for my children to meet his family and if I met his family in Philadelphia they would want to meet my children. The real reason was that this other woman has been at all his family get-togethers and on his family vacations while I have been left here.
Oh, don’t be embarrassed, hummingbird. It was likely an isolated incident, getting together with someone while you were married, not the sport made out of it by S’paths!
They always have plausible reasons for not committing, reasons that make it appear they are good, moral, having integrity. Reasons that always appeal to our internal moral compasses. Reasons that pass the “sniff” test. Reasons that, in retrospect, we see are utterly false and fake! Just like them.
Glad you see he was a hypocrite. Those were YOUR usual morals he was mirroring back at you, those reasons he gave. That’s probably why you believed in them: they made genuine sense to your mind and heart.
Years ago, mine preached of moral integrity, too, after he got divorced. Fast forward and his life is a veritable soap opera cyclone involving married women, OW, me, God knows who all.
They thrive on chaos and destruction. Sad, really.
Lil Orphan,
Flexible morals. Good one. Isn’t that kind of like an oxymoron? (Is that how you spell that?) A moral is a clear line I would think so a flexible moral is what…?
We should have a page of all the wonderful descriptions that have popped up here. There is so much wisdom. Who needs the DSM-IV!
:o)
Hummingbird, I think that “helping” us to violate our own moral codes is part of what the P does…just like the story of Eve and the serpent in the Bible, holding out the LURE to her of KNOWLEDGE and telling her that God was just trying to keep all the “good stuff for himself and that she would BE LIKE GOD if she ate the fruit.” LOL
Of course his “satisfaction” was getting her to go against God’s commands…typical P! LOL
My X-BF P was having sex with several married women at the same time, and was so “moral” that he didn’t want any of them to leave their husbands to marry him, because that would be against his “morals” to BREAK UP A FAMILY! LOL ROTF What a great and considerate man he was. NOT!!!!
I know that the lures and frustration of dealing with all the Ps in my life and the P-by-proxy enablers have “made” me abandon some of my own closely held moral rules as well. The only difference in me and them is that I HAVE RULES TO VIOLATE, they have no rules to violate, so can’t “violate” anything they don’t believe in. Not that they don’t KNOW right from wrong, it is just that they don’t think those concepts apply to THEM…only US.
Oxdrover:
I think that you have it completely right. I think that it was a triumph of some sort for him when I left my husband. I lived alone after we separated and have lived alone since. In the past year, as I have said earlier, the S and I spent fewer and fewer night together. He also became less and less affectionate. Perhaps the affection at the beginning was just another part of the lure.
He still wanted to be intimate, but there wasn’t much kissing, holding or cuddling at all.
Orphan:
He was a hypocrite preaching about treating others as you would want to be treated and lying about his relationship (s) with another woman at the same time he was in a relationship with me.
I don’t even know for sure if this woman was in or out of the picture when I first got involved with him or if she suspects that he has been unfaithful.
Married women – yep, mine liked those too. The second time we got back together, as I’ve said previously, I was married. I was unhappily married and my husband and I were trying to decide if we should divorce. I got back together with my S, well, that sealed the deal. To this day, I wonder if part of the reason he wanted me back was just to prove that he could have me, not because he really wanted me. The first time we split up, I left him, which must have bruised his massive ego somewhat. When we first were seeing each other again, I gave him a big speech about how I would never leave my husband for him, and don’t get any ideas. That must have been like waving a red flag in front of a bull, presenting a “challenge” like that.
A few months after we’d moved in together, I was thinking about how I’d said I would never move in with him, and smiling (at this point I was still in romantic fantasy land all the time.) He asked me what was funny, and I told him I was just remembering that I’d said I wouldn’t leave my husband for him, but there I was, and that’s what I’d done. He just smiled and said “I knew you didn’t mean it.” Immediately my gut reaction was “What the HELL do you mean you knew I didn’t mean it? What do you mean you don’t listen to what I say about how I feel?” But, I didn’t listen to what my intuition was telling me, so I decided to look at it as “Oh, how sweet, you knew our love would conquer all.” BLECH! I’m still amazed some days at how much denial I was in.
I found out one of his previous serious girlfriends had been married and cheating on her husband with him, and left her husband for him. She had children, and left her kids with her husband most of the time, to move in with my S. Then there was me. God knows how many other married women he’s been with. Apparently while we were dating a married female friend of his propositioned him. He actually said he wished he could sleep with her, because her sex life was boring and he wanted to show her what sex is SUPPOSED to be like. Again, BLECH. They really do think they are God’s gift to women, don’t they?
When I met my S last year I’d been with the same person for 21 years (married 18, never cheated). I fell hard and fast for this guy, and soon was drawn into the fantasy. As I was going through the weirdest four months of my life, I knew there were things that didn’t add up. I couldn’t understand why he’d pull away for days after we’d been so close…why he freaked out about me e-mailing him after he asked me to…why plans changed at the last minute all the time. His explanation, since his morals and Christianity were so important to him (I know, try not to gag!) was that he had trouble with the fact that he was a “homewrecker.” He was divorced with two kids who lived out of state with their mother, and lived with roommates.
He, of course, talked about us moving in together all the time. He knew I was really struggling to make that decision; I told him that I had to make that decision not just based on him, and he shouldn’t feel like it was his fault. He once again gave me the “homewrecker” speech, he really wanted me to admit I was leaving my husband for him. He pushed until I admitted that I wouldn’t have been thinking about divorce if it hadn’t been for him coming into my life. As we walked out hand in hand after this conversation my phone rang. He saw the number, which I had never seen but was in his area code, and freaked out. I didn’t answer it.
As I was sitting in my car trying to figure out what was going on (I know, how stupid could I be!) he came and got in. He told me that he had been involved with one of his roommates before he met me, and she was angry and he wouldn’t be able to stay in the house. Since I had specifically asked him if he was involved with anyone, getting the answer “no, I only go out on group things with the church,” I asked why he had lied. He said that he knew he should have told me, but that he hadn’t “been” with her since he started seeing me. He couldn’t move on his own because he couldn’t afford it (familiar running theme, always needing money, ha!). He was going to have to get a hotel, would I come meet him there (and pay for it, and help him find a place and pay for that too)? I told him to call me and I would see.
As I drove away I listened to my voicemail from his WIFE asking me if I was just friends with her husband, because she saw he called me a lot (four times a day some days, at least once every day). She wanted me to confirm his story before she kicked him out because she HADN’T KNOWN HIM THAT LONG! He was married to someone that hadn’t known him very long and he’d been seeing me for four months????
When I finally talked to him, I asked him if he was married…his answer was “separated, that’s probably why she said feels like she doesn’t really know me.” They were married and he hit on me six months later. When I talked to her (I’m ashamed to admit out of fear of my being caught I said we were just friends) I did express my concerns about red flags and sociopathic behavior (many short term relationships, living off of women, lying, etc.). She admitted he lied all the time, took money, was completely dependent on her financially, and she couldn’t trust him to go outside by himself. But he makes her happy!
I spent the next two months crying, having panic attacks, thanking God I hadn’t destroyed my family, and relying heavily on this website for support. I don’t post often, but I read daily, and it keeps me sane.
Bless all of you who post and are so supportive. In spite of the conscious knowledge of what he is (I know, he is the lie :-)!) I struggle with no contact. I’m working on myself and trying to figure out what made me fall and what I can do to break free of the feelings of addiction I still have for this guy.
Dear Girl, (you are NO dork)!!!
You got conned sweetie, like the rest of us–he threw out the LURE that looked so shiny and beautiful, and you took the bait–didn’t we all!!?! But–you’re on the way to healing now, that is the important part—you didn’t spend 20 years with this guy! You didn’t marry him! I county my own blessings in this department as well. Yes, I cried, and hurt, but it “could’a been worse”–I know that wouldn’t have been much comfort to me when I would lie awake nights crying over him, but iin retrospect it sure is.
I’m so proud of you and PROUD FOR YOU that you are NC with him now—that’s the first big step and I think the hardest part. But it’s the essential part, and YOU WILL BREAK FREE OF THESE FEELINGS–keep reading, keep posting. The more you put the pieces together, the more clear the picture will be and eventually you will see that it isn’t a picture you like or deserve.
((((BIG hugs))))) to you! It’s obvious that he has some “situational ethics” to go along with his “religion” NOT!
These posts seem so familiar. It’s like I am reading parts of my own story.
Dorkgirl:
I left my husband of 29 years for this man and his lies. I was in a less than perfect relationship and took the lure. Stupid!!
I am still berating myself for being such an idiot.
He also starting needing money and I gave it to him. There was always a reason: his mother lost her prescription money, his niece needed a water pump, etc.
He said we couldn’t move in together because it wouldn’t look good to his grandchildren if we weren’t married. Of course, I didn’t know that he had another woman going to his family functions and vacations.
Healing – when does that start?
This website has been a blessing. This is not easy to discuss with anyone who hasn’t had first-hand experience.