Last week Lovefraud posted a new True Lovefraud Story about a con artist named Dennis SanSeverino. The creep pretended to be loving and rich long enough to convince his victim to trust him. Then he took her home and inheritance.
This story is a classic case of a sociopath targeting the vulnerable.
When the victim, Trish Rynn, met SanSeverino, she had just endured a difficult breakup with her boyfriend. In the months that they got to know each other—Rynn initially refused his many dinner invitations—he must have been listening intently as she chatted about her life. Rynn’s ex-husband was physically abusive. After the marriage ended, Rynn spent 10 years in court fighting child custody and child support battles. The strain sent her into clinical depression, from which she was just beginning to recover.
Rynn was vulnerable, and SanSeverino was attracted like a shark to blood in the water.
SanSeverino started taking Rynn’s money—under the guise of helping her, of course. When Rynn found herself in serious debt due to him, she slipped back into depression. That’s when SanSeverino took her house and the rest of her inheritance.
Sad stories made worse
Lovefraud has heard these truly sad stories over and over again: Grief-stricken people who have lost a spouse or a child, and then lose their insurance settlement to a sociopath. Disabled people who are targeted because they get a minimal subsidy from the government. People struggling to care for someone else—like children or elderly parents—who learn that the assistance promised by a sociopath makes their burdens worse.
And then there are the lonely. Anyone who is lonely for any reason is walking target for a sociopath.
Vigilance when vulnerable
It’s sad, really. When we have problems and need help, we want to be able to trust that offers of assistance are real. When we’re looking for companionship, we want to be able to believe that the person pursuing us is sincere.
But the truth is that when we’re vulnerable, we need to be especially vigilant. Sociopaths are predators, and wounded prey make for an easy kill.
Hummingbird,
Letting go of the self castigation is difficult I know, been there and sure done enough of that, but it is important to, to forgive yourself.
If I were your friend and I had done what you did, could you forgive ME for doing that and still love me because I really am a good person in spite of doing something like that? I will bet that you could, and you should be as nice to YOURSELF as you would be to me.
I always allowed other people to have faults and make mistakes but I never allowed me to have any faults or make any mistakes—I was so much harder on myself than on others. Give your self a break my friend, and be kind to yourself. You made a mistake. You fell for a con. You got hornswaggled, you were hood winked, you are human—wow! and you are STILL OK. There are consequences you will have to pay for what you did, we all do, but forgive yourself for being human. ((((BIG Hugs)))))
Thanks Oxdrover. I do need to forgive myself. That would be a big step in healing and learning to trust again.
Hummingbird,
There has never been anyone as mean to me as myself, not even the Ps–I beat myself constantly for my own “faults” and wore the “hair shirt” internally (though I tried not to let others see it) of my own guilt for failing to be “perfect.” I never had a boss that gave me a bad report, or was critical (except two Ps that I worked for and they don’t count!) I always got top marks in work evaluations—I did well in school, top grades, and in college nearly all As. But never felt I was doing the “best I could” or “good enough.” No one who knew me would have “known” this SECRET about me, because I kept it deeply hidden from SHAME at my “faults” and my “lack of perfection.”
Now I am realizing I don’t have to be perfect to be acceptable to myself or others. I am trying very hard to give myself the same courtesy I would give others when mistakes are made.
I am the first one to admit my own faults when they injure another, and to sincerely apologize for them, make restitution, if possible, etc. (I’ve always done that) but I am also expecting others to grant me the same courtesy I grant them. In other words, setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries, and abiding by other’s boundaries as well.
I think the AA philosophy of going to people you have wronged and apologizing to them for the hurt you have done to them is a good thing. It allows them to know that you are truly sorry and that you want to do the right thing. That should also take some of the “guilt” off your plate as well. Maybe the relationship is still destroyed by what you did, but maybe some can be salvaged, and maybe some can at least not be accrimonious at least.
There is a great thread on here about what a REAL apology consists of and I think it is very very good. Most of the Ps make “social” apologies which really mean “I”m sorry you caught me, I’ll be slicker next time I lie to you.”
ACKNOLEDGING your wrong actions, showing that you do know that they were wrong, that you are aware of the hurt they cause, that you are sorry for the hurt they caused, and that you do not intend to ever do anything like this again will many time salvage damaged relationships. Sometimes not. But that is all that you can do, you can’t erase the past.
Give yourself some care, and love and consideration and make whatever restitution and full apology, and then whatever happens happens, and accept those things as the reality and the consequences of your actions.
I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I am not proud of, that were against my moral code and I knew that when I did them, and chose to do them knowing they were “wrong” in my OWN eyes and the eyes of those that did love me. I can’t go back and undo those things, I can only strive to apologize, repent, and be a better person in the future. There were “reasons” and “excuses” of why I did them at the time, but I know that they were not valid “reasons” and sure not “excuses” but I can allow myself to be a good person in spite of what I did in the past that I knew was wrong.
My religious faith has become much stronger now that I am out from under my mother’s dictates of what “forgiveness” means—it does NOT mean “let’s pretend that none of this happened”—That’s not healthy or good and no relationship can be repaired on such a concept. No trust reestablished under those conditions.
My son D stood by me the entire time the smear campaign of the Ps was going on, and my son C fell under their spell and fog, and believed what his P-brother and his wife and his “friend” (who was screwing his wife) and my mother all said about me being “crazy”–but when he saw the TRUTH, he was completely and totally repentant of his behavior and his attitude toward me. I had no doubt that his apology was totally sincere. He acknowledged that he was wrong, that the way he acted toward me was wrong, etc. my mother on the other hand, said
“I’m sorry if there’s anything I did or said that was PERCEIVED as hurtful to you, they had me completely hoodwinked, let’s just pretend none of this happened and start over.”
Which was the REAL apology? Which person acknowledged that they had done wrong? Which person wanted to repair the relationship, to be trusted again?
Forgiveness of someone’s behavior is not the same as reestablishing TRUST though. Forgiveness for them and for yourself is to get the bitterness out of your heart for YOU. Forgiving yourself is difficult when you know you have violated your own moral code—no matter what the reason you did it. But it is NECESSARY to your healing, to your going on with life from there.
The book of Samuel in the Bible tells about King David and the horrible sins he committed, even murder, enabling his P son Absolom, adultery, etc. but he ALWAYS repented. He always accepted the responsibility and the consequences of his behavior. Even when his son, conceived in adultery, died he accepted that great pain as the consequence of his behavior.
God said of King David “he is a man after my own heart.” Was it because David didn’t SIN? Absolutely NO, it was because when David DID SIN, did something wrong, he REPENTED. God forgave him, and I think David forgave himself as well, which we all should do. I think those old stories have good lessons to teach us about ourselves and our own behaviors and sins, to handle them in a healthy way.
There are many examples in the Bible of dealing with Ps—and even some descriptions of a P-woman and advice to a son in how to avoid these women (and that can be men too) Good reading when you look at it from the Psychopathic standpoint. Just like Jesus said “the poor shall be with you always” the Ps have been with us always too, and always will be with us–and we need to learn how to handle them, and to forgive ourselves. ((((hugs to you)))))
In reading this bog, I think OxDrover is probably the smartest person around right now. Explanations that I have needed to hear, searching for are all right here and I must admit that I feel somewhat better after reading this.
Its been two years since I saw my husband. He just walked out of my life, changed his cell phone number and slapped me with a well-planned set of divorce papers two days later. He had everything planned so that I would have no money to fight him with.
I ignored the red flags because I had no idea what a sociopath was. I just thought these were issues we could overcome since our relationship was young. Everything I have now read about the sociopath describes him perfectly. The extreme extraordinary niceness turned into a cold, calculated monster in the clear light of day.
I feel very bitter still. I pray for the ability to forgive him and myself just so that I can experience healing but every day I wake up and have the same conversation in my mind ”“ going over the stupid cheap things that he said and did. I dont know who Im more disgusted with him or myself. And youre right; talking to someone is like explaining the dynamics of physics to someone who speaks another language. I catch myself wondering if all of this was just a bad dream -complete with anxiety attacks.
I try to imagine a headstone with his name on it. Stupid me-making him go to the doctor for his hypertension (he may have died by now if I hadnt). He drives around all day ”“ maybe he will stall his vehicle on a train track at an unfortunate moment! These are the scenarios I envision constantly. I have never imagined myself even thinking things like this about someone.
Im not a bad person and I hate feeling this way. Maybe that’s why we all feel so badly. We let these sociopaths enter into beautiful parts of our life, share meaningful experiences and unknowingly allow them to rob us of a value that they can only obtain by stealing. We just dont get that the person we loved just doesnt exist. The only thing I have left to remember him by is a venereal disease. Im angry and sometimes I think Ill always be angry.
These sociopaths are snakes! Some are disguised as handsome, rich and very polite Romeos who can get away with murder ”“ and usually do! My ex-husbands first wife committed suicide. When he first told me about it, his next sentence was – was going to divorce her anyway. Guess I was lucky. How do you ever get the proverbial knife out of your back? I have been in relationships before and I have never been this wounded. Being with this man has totally changed my path and Im not sure where Ill end up now.
Dear Brauer,
I hear your pain in your words, and it is devastating to be treated line so much “meat”—discarded like used toilet paper.
Thank you for saying how “smart I am” but believe me if I am so smart, what am I doing here? LOL Being “smart” and “knowing” what is going on doesn’t help us actually. I think because most of us are smart, it makes us easier to con because we think we wouldn’t be tricked by someone like them. DUH! Boy were we wrong!
I think the “feeling stupid” is a normal part to be expected when we finally find out the truth, which at that time in HINDSIGHT seems SO OBVIOUS! Well hind sight is always 20:20 vision. At the time it was happening somehow some or most of us knew there was “something” going on but we weren’t sure just what but we were BLIND in the FOG of their BS. Sometimes, even after seeing “the light” we walked back willingly into the FOG—there are none so blind as those who WILL NOT SEE—that’s me waving my hand saying that is me.
Boy was I an arrogant person, thinking I would never let a man abuse me like some people I knew, the guy who hit me would wake up dead…ya da, ya da, DUH…but I let my son do it.
I let my P-BF talk to me like someone else’s dog that had torn up the trash and scattered it all over the yard. I let my P-by-proxy mother trade me for my P-son’s affections. If anyone is the queen of STUPID it was me—but NOT any more.
It doesn’t matter how stupid I was, or how arrogant and stupid I was, or how gullible, or how I didn’t take care of myself in the PAST–today is a new day. I am a new me. I am P-FREE.
Sure, I to imagined how to put splinters of bamboo under their finger nails, how to hurt them—thoughts of revenge release pleasurable chemicals into our brain—but you know, I don’t want to be that bitter, that filled with wrath and anger for the rest of my life. That kind of thinking is TOXIC to ME and doesn’t hurt them in the least.
One way I worked on it was to pray for them. At fist when I said the words I did not mean them at all. I knew I didn’t and I am sure God knew I didn’t mean them at all either. But eventually I began to feel better. I also thought about the fact that I would rather be ME (a victim) than to be THEM, incapable of love and caring and genuine emotion.
Sometimes it seems that they “win” in the battle between us and them, but in the end, I think that WE win because we get them out of our lives, and the fact that we can and do hurt is proof that we are NOT like them. Thank you Jesus!
When last year my P-biological father died, a wealthy and very famous man (he had thought that achieving these goals would make him happy) he was a bitter and disrespected person by everyone who really knew him. Even 3 out of 4 of his children had NO contact with him, and the 4th that was with him and thought he was “wonderful” (my half brother) is I think a P just like him. Except for that one son, there was no one who respected him personally, and many people who DISPISED him profoundly.
He bought all the “trappings” that he thought would make him happy, young women, big toys, the “pseudo respect” that money can buy, but he didn’t value that, because he wasn’t stupid, he knew what it was. His respectable family didn’t want anything to do with him, and that was quite a great disappointment to him that all his cousins and sibs didn’t want anything to do with him. Didn’t like or respect him, no matter how much money he had.
I had always thought that when he died I would get a lawyer and sue his estate—but after he died, I realized that even if he had left me 10s of millions of dollars (fat chance), I DIDN’T WANT HIS MONEY, it was dirty, it was blood money (literally) His life was empty rattlings.
My step father, by contrast, was surround by 30 or so of his friends and loved ones, every one of which respected him as a good man, as he took his last breath. He had hundreds of people come to his service to morn for him and to celebrate what a wonderful and kind man he was.
In the movie “Take all of me” where Lily Tomlin’s character is at her own funeral and there is no one there, it reminds me of my biological father. An empty and self centered life of anger, bitterness, control, revenge…who would want that? Of course Tomlin’s character wasn’t a P, just a self centered neurotic.
It is a fight within myself not to allow myself to feel the wrath (vengeful anger) toward them. But I know that allowing myself to foster those natural feelings is not good for ME. I can’t “suppress” them or “pretend that they aren’t there” that isn’t healthy either, I have to DEAL with them. At times it is a day to day struggle, and other times it is easier. But in any case, I work at it. Hard work.
I don’t want to let the past rob me of the future. Get a copy of and read “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Dr. Viktor Frankl, who was a survivor of the WWII concentration camps. His views have had profound effects on my own thinking and handling this. I have read and read and discussed this with various people who I can respect their views. Ministers, teachers, psychiatrists, therapists, friends, my sons. I have to find SOME meaning in this suffering besides pain. Frankl did, and if he can, by golly I can. His suffering was so much greater than mine. He lost everything but his mind and his body. Every one he loved, every thing he loved, and he still found meaning in what he suffered. That’s pretty profound.
I have been blessed by knowing some pretty outstanding people in their fields, some quite famous, some not famous at all, but the main thing is that I have been able to draw from their wisdom. I feel very humbled that these wise people will share their wisdom with me, and that they care for me.
While I have made some colossal blunders in judgment in my life, probably more than most people, I have to forgive myself as well as forgive the Ps. They were just doing what Ps do. Just like a rattle snake bites if you get near him, the Ps bite if we let them into our hearts or lives. Being angry at the snake for the rest of your life, or being mad at yourself for going hiking is not productive. Letting that anger go, and working hard enough at it to succeed in letting that anger go is the only way to find some meaning out of this while thing and go on with your life, I think at least.
Yea, I got a “raw deal” but so did Viktor Frankl and if he can find it in himself to forgive these people who hurt him and his whole family, his whole community–then maybe I can too.
God bless and ((((hugs)))
Used Brauer:
“My ex-husbands first wife committed suicide. When he first told me about it, his next sentence was – was going to divorce her anyway. “
There’s a phenomenon about S/P’s and partners who commit suicide – the name escapes me at the moment. But of course, living with someone who is that disordered, who gaslights and abuses, could easily push someone over the brink. Not saying that’s the case with your ex and his first wife. Just saying that it’s not uncommon.
The blogs about women involved with P/S/N’s committing suicide gave me the chills. The first serious relationship my ex (N) husband had lasted for about a year and a half. And yes, she committed suicide in his garage…car running…little dog and Bible on her lap.
The police questioned him until the wee hours of the morning. He ranted and raved about how much he loved her. But he didn’t miss work the next day, and he didn’t miss his golf game the next day, either. Must have loved her a lot, ha. These people are unbelieveably callous.
Oxdrover, you should open your own counseling center. You’re doing wondrous works here.
Dear Peggy,
Thank you for those kind words, you don’t know how good it makes me feel to in any way help someone else who has been through this insanity.
Your x-N’s behavior sounds like Scot Peterson! DIDN’T MISS WORK THE NEXT DAY? Jimminy Christmas! SHEEESH! I wonder if he told her he wanted her to commit suicide? I have no doubt that he goaded her into it. I see that as murder by “suicide.” Even if the poor woman did kill herself, I still think the blood is on his hands.
My P-son’s plan was to have his Trojan-Horse P off me with my own gun and try to make it look like suicide—since I was so obviously depressed and crazy—I have no doubt that after my “suicide” that my mother would have fallen down and hit her head, the poor old woman, first her daughter dead and then her…poor woman. Such tragedy. PUKE.
When I escaped their reach, they focused on getting money from mother into their control, with the TH-P screwing my DIL—when that got found out, the way to fix it of course was kill my son C and make it look like “self defense” since he was “so upset after finding out the affair.” (he had offered to work it out with her) THEY NEVER QUIT PLOTTING, SCHEMING AND COMING UP WITH NEW PLANS if the first one fails. Versatile they are.
The numbers of stories of husbands and wives that have murdered their spouses and gotten away with it, some of them several times, like Drew Peterson, are more chilling to me than the suicides, but in whatever form they kill us physically, it makes your stomach churn.
What is completely chilling to me is the Ps-by-proxy, in the parents of Scot Peterson, and others who totally support their P offspring, never never believing even in the face of irrefutable evidence that their “little darling” was capable of such horror. Even though my own P-by-proxy mom admits that my P-son indeed did murder a girl, and that he was involved with the attempted murder of myself, still tries to “help” and comfort her poor pitiful grandson in prison by sending him money in the name of Christian compassion. Funny though, she has NO Christian compassion for the Trojan Horse P or my X-DIL. LOL I guess in her religion compassion and charity is selective.
OxDrover:
You have had the most interesting life of anyone I “know”! It’s amazing you have come out of all this “normal”. LOL. Amazing stuff. And it’s wonderful and very kind that you, out of all the craziness, reach out your hand to help the next victim out of the fog. I am so pleased to see you are very strong, and have come out of adversity wiser, and with so much compassion.
My S’s ex-wife had an ‘accident’ 15 years ago…she was hauling heavy equipment for him, when she pushed the brakes the equipment hit her in the back of the head, knocking her out, bleeding from her ears, and she has had some permanent memory loss from this (and has had extreme difficulty reading). Since the S is VERY smart, and a construction company owner, he should have known the hazard in this. I’m not sure this was an accident. Also about 5 years ago she was taking some heavy psychotic medication or painkillers, I’m not sure which. She started vomiting blood and having blood when she went to the bathroom. Her friend took her to the hospital and she was grossly overmedicated (guess who was giving her the meds? The S, of course). These revelations by her frightened me.
Then the S’s former best friend told me that S and twin brother, along with another guy went scuba diving together years ago…and the third guy never came back up. The best friend said the S LAUGHED every time he told this story. So I’m not sure this “accident” was an accident at all. My S was very into life insurance…told me within the first couple of months he’d put me on his policy…I think he wanted me to reciprocate, but I’m not big on life insurance, and told him anything I have would go to my kids. He really wants money, money, money, and I wouldn’t be surprised if his present girlfriend meets an untimely demise…of course, after the documents are signed for the million-dollar-plus house (contingent on the sale of her property). Oh, maybe he’ll keep her around a couple of years for entertainment value. But I wouldn’t put anything past him. It’s “all about the money”, his favorite saying. The sick b _ _ _ _ _ _.
Further elaboration on the ex’s first wife’s suicide from what I was told by him”
Other than telling me that “he would have divorced her anyway”, he told me that he wasn’t cheating on her but he could have been ”“with a woman he worked with. When I asked about the type of relationship he had with a coworker that assured him of a tryst with her, he refused to answer. Guess who he started dating after his wife died?
I could never understand him. He told me many crazy facts like: he worked for the family-owned business and his brother gave him a $20,000 pay raise when his wife committed suicide in order for him to maintain his standard of living. The family business paid all of the funeral expenses.
He kept living in the house for around 6 months after her suicide (she died in the bathroom) and the women he brought home would refuse to spend the night after he told them about her. And is it me or does anyone else think it’s strange that someone would use two methods to commit suicide? He told me that she took a lethal overdose and then shot herself in the head (with his loaded gun). How often does something like that happen?
She died on Halloween after he said he downloaded emails from the computer that she had been exchanging with an old high school friend in Chicago, took them to her work and in front of her coworkers threw them at her and told her to get her sh##t and get out of his house. She left at lunch and never returned. He says his favorite holiday is Halloween. He has had many Halloween parties since. Just the association alone should make it morbid to say the least!
Maybe it’s because I’ve never been this close to a situation like this but I find all of this a LOT strange. Aside from the usual traits that go along with a sociopath, this man’s family has made sure that he never had to sacrifice anything. Is all of this a recipe for something even bigger in the future?