A woman goes to the philharmonic in New York City alone. She meets a guy who is also alone. He asks her for a date, she goes once, doesn’t want to go again. She doesn’t return his calls. He sends an e-mail demanding to know why. Woman is so astounded she posts it on the Internet.
Read An investment banker’s cover letter for a second date, on Reddit.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Ana
Milo,
The spathinator can be a real heartbreaker! 🙂
skylar
Milo,
I’m sorry, I just don’t get it either, I guess. Really. I feel sorry for him – am I a moron? maybe.
I wouldn’t go out with him. I would set my boundaries. But I wouldn’t be rude. I’m never rude. People come on to me all the time, males and females, and I always explain graciously why I don’t want to have sex with them.
Yeah, I know I’m weird that way, maybe I’m a door mat… maybe you can set me straight. I never said I was the most emotionally healthy person in the world. If I was, I wouldn’t have ended up with the spath. I didn’t have boundaries, I didn’t even know what they WERE until Kathleen Hawk explained them to me. So I DO have boundaries now, but I just can’t be rude to someone who has not hurt me.
Don’t look up to me MiLo, I need help navigating too. We’re in this together.
skylar
Ana,
you smart ass! help me out. explain what I’m missing…
jeez, now I sound like Michael the spath. but I’m serious. Why is it ok to be rude to someone who has not hurt you?
KatyDid
YOU! You GNAT! How dare you reject me before I can dismiss you! Now be VERY nice to me, make a pretty apology, and I MIGHT give you another chance to appreciate how wonderful I am.
Think I will copy this letter and send it to all the men I’ve had a first date with and not a second. B/c it does sound like a girly whine… if we had a great date, why wouldn’t you go out with me again b/c i could see us married… ?
MiLo
Sky ~ you are the far from a moron.
I’m trying to put into words what you may be missing and it is hard. All I can tell you is my reaction AS I was reading – 1. ewwww 2. a second date would almost certainly mean finding this woman’s body parts in a suitcase, in a dumpster 3. Not responding was probably the only thing he would understand 4. The way he must have been “watching” her during the date, I hope he is not stalking her. 5 ewwwww
I’m not trying to be smart here, this is truly what I felt. Oh, and I do look up to you, even if you do need help navigating.
Ox Drover
I can see where this guy MIGHT be asperger’s or something along that line, BUT….even if he were, he is somehow feeling ENTITLED to an answer to his e mails and texts, and NO ONE IS ENTITLED to an answer like that. NO ANSWER **IS*** an answer.
She obviously went NC with him….her RIGHT to do so.
He was not willing to Accept NC as her right or her answer. He accused her of being “rude”—-
NO, do not buy into his accusations of her being “rude.” She is NOT OBLIGED to “answer” his e mails or texts, a guy she just met and went out with ONCE. He bought her dinner and now she MUST ANSWER every e mail he sends to her, every text?
Then she must EXPLAIN WHY the date wasn’t as good for her as it was for him, and then he ACCUSES her of “leading him on” and demands an APOLOGY?
Yea, he does NOT “get it”—and he obviously DOES think he is a prize package…note how he tells her how much money he has made for his parents and defends his “job”—-but feel sorry for him? Nah, I will pass on that. I will however advise the young woman to be careful, this guy does sound like a “stalker.”
Did you guys remember that stalker guy in NY that was going to the women’s homes and taking photos outside them, and threatening them—and his “reason” was he wanted to get his on line “store” higher in Google’s ratings by the number of hits it had. DUH?????? He did get arrested though.
Whether this guy is Narcissistic, or aspergers, or delusional, like the guy who shot Reagan to impress Jodie Foster, he is NOT NORMAL me thinks!
Ox Drover
ps Maybe he is that guy that came here on LF a year or two ago that wanted our help with writing the letter to his GF that had dumped him and was NC with him….and eventually said it was because he wanted to CONTROL HER! DUH!
MiLo
I don’t think asperger, if I’m not mistaken, they have a hard time reading people’s expressions, etc. and he talked like he was STUDYING them. Maybe, though, he was trying to make sense out of them.
I’m sorry, just creepy and yes NOT NORMAL
Must go, call from principal – Grand & another child got into lunch box altercation at school – Oh, Good!!!!! Glad he has a vinyl lunch box and other kid was ALSO guilty. Impulse control would be priceless, maybe I’ll ask Santa.
skylar
All I can say is that if a guy took me out, then suddenly stopped talking to me and wouldn’t respond to my calls or emails, I would be perplexed. I would understand that he didn’t like me, but I would still be perplexed as to what I had done wrong, because he seemed to like me enough to take me out the first time.
Even, “hey, I don’t think we’re that compatible, thanks for the nice dinner though.” or “I’d rather not date anymore. sorry.”
Would be better than just abandonment.
Furthermore, if he is a creep, it’s best to be nice so they don’t cut your throat. A narcissistic injury is best avoided with these types.
The last dude that came on to me, I had hired to work on my shop. When he came on to me at the shop, we were alone. Telling him that I had a BF didn’t phase him.
I just laughed and told him he was too young and studly and I’m too old for him and too boring. (18 years older than him). When we left we were both laughing about it, though he continued to flirt shamelessly.
I’m so glad I was nice because it turns out he’s a mixed martial arts guy who gets really violent in the ring. He doesn’t know that I know, but I saw him pummel a guy’s head viciously after he was down and he had to be pullled off. (This was a Youtube video that came up when I googled his name.) Just ONE hit would have killed me.
Being nice is a self-protective mechanism, and it comes naturally to me, I think, for that reason.
slimone
His letter totally creeped me out! Just like some of the missives I received from the spath I used to know. Soooo creepy. Abusers hate boundaries.
I wish I had gone NC when I got the first crazeeeee letter from the crazeeee spath. It was full of admonishments, and promises of possibility, and hurt, and condescension. It totallty made me feel awful. And I felt it was my responsibility to ‘make it nicer and have some adult closure’. So I responded, with kindness and explanations, and got bamboozled and confused and ended up in a 10-month relationshit with him. And this was after a dreadful first date, where he ignored me and criticized my dancing!
Sky, something to think about. Maybe you could, now, be nice to a spath and strong enough in your boundaries and values to fully reject any attempt to be lured into further relations. BUT, isn’t that JUST what they are good at? Making us go against our own feeling and intuition? And why put yourself at risk of being conned if you might already have emotional alarms going off? I think we have to trust our GUTS, our responses. I would guess this woman is following her gut.
He is baiting her to respond to him. Trying to get her to respond out of guilt and shame. It is total manipulation of her sense of obligation, decency, and kindness. Isn’t this classic abuse? He is already abusing her for not getting what he wants: closure, an explanation, another date, an apology, some communication. What!? His desires are so mixed, at first glance. But what I bet he really wants is an opportunity to make contact, so he can keep his con going. He doesn’t care what the contact is about, so long as he doesn’t let this fish off the line.
Being polite and explanatory when you are already creeped out (and SHE was on the ‘horrible date’) might not be the best response. I would wager the date went south pretty quickly. So once she got through the agony, she put up a strong boundary.
He sounds like a dumb psychopath. The one’s who give themselves away really fast. They’re out there. As long as they know the rules of emotional manipulation they can still succeed.
It would have saved me tons of money and time and humiliation if I had just not responded, and kept deleting until he went away.