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By | April 16, 2014 52 Comments

Is Rape Law Still in the Dark Ages?

Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a just released book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud.

By Joyce M. Short

A new case in New Jersey will soon test that concept.

Enforcers will determine whether rape law protects a person’s right to self determination over their personal sexual intimacy. They could decide that choice simply does not matter at all, or they could protect the victim’s entitlement to choice based on the same rights granted in every other human interaction.

Way back when Rome ruled the world, rape was established as a crime only when a woman who was a virgin, and not a slave, was victimized. “Harm” was allocated to the owner of her virginity, the head of her household, and our laws have not progressed much from there.

Imposter rape

Today, some states have laws to protect married women from being hoodwinked into sexual intercourse with a man who pretends to be her husband, but those same states fail to apply the same principal to an unmarried woman if a man pretends to be her boyfriend. Impostor rape, also known as rape by fraud, where biographical information is fraudulent, is the same in both situations. But it is treated as a crime against a married woman only because her husband is cheated of his wife’s purity.

The egregious concept behind this misguided mindset is that defrauding a married woman commits adultery against her husband and is, therefore, a criminal offense. Rape law fails to recognize that the woman’s marital status, and who the offender pretended to be are irrelevant. That they pretended to be a person they were not robbed the victim of the “knowing consent” they were entitled to in deciding who to engage in sex with.

The real harm in rape

Most states have yet to recognize or embrace the real harm in rape  —  the violation of one’s most intimate core, the breach of self determination regarding one’s own personal sexuality. Our laws struggle with concepts that dance around what rape really is. Instead, they focus on what penetrates, where it penetrates, how it penetrates and who it penetrates. They hark back to the origins of the laws with little concern to the real victim of the crime. They lack the simple concept that any sexual penetration without “knowing consent,” is rape.

Criminal code for invading a person’s integrity abound in every other aspect of human interaction. One can be punished for achieving personal gain through assault, coercion, fraud, deceit, theft, robbery, or any means that breaches the “covenant of good faith” or “knowing consent” between two parties. If a person lied about biographical information to consummate a business transaction, criminal code exists to recognize and penalize such wrongdoing as fraud. But to lie about biographical information to defraud a victim of sex is blithely treated as the “puffery” of seduction, as if property has more value to a person than their basic and most intimate sexual autonomy.

Punishable offenses

Rape never goes away. The victim carries a sense of defilement in their psyche for a lifetime. People who are raped are thirteen times more apt to commit suicide than people who are not. It’s time to speak out and let our lawmakers know that all types of rape — by assault, by treachery, date rape, statutory rape, rape by mental incapacity whether permanent or temporary, rape by fraud or deceit, and rape by coercion, should all be punishable offenses throughout a moral society.

We will soon know whether the laws in New Jersey protect a woman’s right to choose who they have sex with or not. Stay tuned for the results.

 


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Bally

Thank you Joyce. Will rape by deceit include, for example, a husband having a secret affair but pretends to be the faithful husband to his wife (and therefore continues to have sex with her too)? His wife has therefore been deceived into having sex with her unfaithful husband.

Bally-

A betraying husband is committing the crime of adultery.

For many years, criminal code excluded husbands as rape offenders. The wife was simply there to service his needs, no matter what they were. You’ve raised a very valid point.

Whenever someone is fraudulent in the act of a sexual encounter, when self determination about who you chose to have sex with is vitiated through lies or fraud, you’ve been raped. And I’m sure you felt raped as a result of your husband’s betrayal.

Rape by fraud is hard to recognize as a crime because from the outside, people don’t see bruises or physical turmoil. Bruises to a person’s psyche, however, can be even longer-term than the harm of assault.

Joyce

HopingToHeal

My question goes along with Bally’s. If a husband is having sex outside the marriage and continues to claim his fidelity to his wife while continuing to have sex with her constitutes fraud, doesn’t it? The wife is actually stripped of all ability to make a conscious choice of whether or not she would have sex with a man (partner) of multiple partners, and WORSE, has no ability to protect herself from STDs. She is robbed of the truth needed to protect herself from a possible life threatening disease. If mail fraud, insurance fraud and petty theft are against the law, shouldn’t this violation, of the most intimate decision of life, have great legal consequence also?

It’s embarrassing to read the laws of rape as you describe. How is it possible that these laws are so archaic? Could it be that women are not considered to be nearly as equal in society as we would like to think ourselves to be? Whatever the reason, we need laws to protect us.

HopingToHeal-

You’re absolutely correct about your concept of fraud and the status of criminal code. In New Jersey, it’s a crime to roll back your car’s mileage. You could go to jail for it. And even though New Jersey’s code for sexual assault was completely revised in 2012, whether the District Attorney will prosecute a deliberate and outright crime of sexual fraud remains to be seen.

This is a case of “impostor” sexual assault in which the offender deliberately lied about everything, even as basic as his name and age. He has a prior conviction as a pedophile, and the victim has a young daughter.

So what are your thoughts? Do you think New Jersey should prosecute someone who circumvents “knowing consent” by fraud?

Joyce

HopingToHeal

Joyce,

In this article you state that rape is the violation of one’s most intimate core. This statement is so true! Unfortunately in our society, this is the area that people are most vulnerable yet the laws are so lenient. I absolutely think that a predator who fraudulently enters an intimate relationship should be prosecuted. This applies to misleading with untruthful biographical facts as well as secretly breaking a marriage covenant leaving the wife exposed.

I think if New Jersey has the law in place to prosecute in cases of biographical fraud, they should do so. If this state sets a precedence, then possibly other states will follow. As you have said in other comments, change is difficult for society but it can happen. Public awareness is the key.

Sadly, most who become aware of this and other betrayal issues only do so after being victimized. Sex is freely available but is still such a taboo subject. It’s not discussed within families, friendships, churches or schools, therefore the public remains ignorant of sexual deceit. Predators and sociopaths love that fact.

As a whole, people take a blind eye approach to sex. Rape by fraud, well that touches too close to home for many. Until awareness is made and accepted of the devastating tole of sexual promiscuity, sex trafficking, and pornography, I doubt that the significance of biographical fraud will be addressed.

In my opinion, many men (and women, I guess) receive accolades for their sexual conquest- politicians, businessmen, coaches, even the guy in a bar. I doubt that these people care or have any interest in how another is able to achieve his “fun”, they are only worried about themselves. I think that the insensitivity toward victims of any type of sexual fraud comes from this environment.

Does that make sense? It’s almost as if society’s lenient and lustful attitude toward sex is used to work against anyone or anything that may appear to limit sexual gratification, even fraud and rape.
It’s so disturbing. If New Jersey would just apply the law, then maybe others would have the courage to follow. It must happen.

So, my long rambling on is to say Yes, NJ should take these people down, incarcerate them and force them to provide restitution. Thank you for giving us hope that somewhere consequences may be applied. Any hope for victims is a step in the right direction.

Bally

HopingToHeal, you have knocked the nail on the head and very well explained. My ex-psychopath paid to get full tests done on himself for STD’s, at my insistence, before any intimacy with me. Then voluntarily swore on his son’s life that there was noone else but me (he was divorced) and I was the love of his life. You know the rest – he used the test results to his selfish advantage, as I later discovered he was seeing several women intimately at the same time in the same city and some abroad – the victims also told me he showed them the test results so that he didn’t have to wear a condom with them. I then had full tests myself and was terrified. Luckily I was clear. The ultimate deceit – not only playing with the hearts of so many unsuspecting and cautious women, but then totally conning them into unprotected sex with him. Noone would have entered into intimacy with him in the first place if they knew there were other women at the same time – even protected sex. I also could not get over how he could “swear on his sons life” to show his sincerity. That was before I knew about psychopathy – once you know about psychopaths nothing surprises you. Lovefraud readers, they will stoop to the lowest and dirtiest tricks in the book. A relationship with them could end with your death. I hope you all find the strength to ditch these parasites and predators or, if you have been dumped, then they did you a big favour. Keep reading about psychopathy – it is a big healer. Every time you want contact with them then read about their disorder instead. Replace the addiction with education. At all costs NO CONTACT as Donna wisely advises, it works.

HopingToHeal

Bally,

It’s repulsive to think of how your Spath used his negative STD test to con you and others. Now I wonder how many times my husband has done that to me. Yuck. I’m serious, thank God I am still in good health.

After one knows the truth, it’s not much different than choosing to live with an ax murderer in a house full of axes. Every day is a gamble, and one day the dice will roll out against us.

My first attorney told me a story of a woman who came to see him for a divorce. Her husband was a cheater. She was torn on what to do. He said he was sorry….yada, yada, yada…. But she finally reasoned that it was best to pursue the divorce and did. Two years later, her then ex husband died of aids. Luckily she escaped uninflected. Timing is everything. We all would be wise to listen to our gut instinct on when to get out.

Stargazer

I agree with you, Joyce, and I would add my personal situation where he pretended to be divorced when he was in fact married and living with his wife.

One contributing problem I see, which is an insidious problem in this society, is the way in which sex is trivialized. So many people regard it as a casual act, like shaking hands; therefore, a person’s sexuality is not regarded as something sacred to be protected – a valuable possession like one’s money or home. Casual sex and “instant relationships” have replaced “courting” and taking the time to get to know someone and develop a true intimacy. It has become the norm in our society. Nowadays, people jump into bed at the drop of a hat for a variety of reasons. It’s not just men trying to charm women into sex. Woman are putting themselves out there very easily as well. I waited only 2 or 3 weeks before sleeping with the sociopath. This was only 2 or 3 dates. Not a long time.

This is probably going to be an unpopular view, but I think we ALL have responsibility in changing this. Yes, we need to be protected from rape by fraud. I believe it IS and should be considered as a crime. However, as women we also have responsibility to regard our OWN bodies as sacred and treat our sexuality like gold. If we don’t do that, how can we expect an impersonal court system to do it for us? I’m not saying everyone here has leaped into bed right away with someone. And I’m not saying this is an excuse for a sociopath to lie and cheat, because they can wear their mask for years – and I know that. But I do think if we can be discerning and WAIT, a lot of jerks will weed themselves out. We ALL have a responsibility, and this is something we can at least control, if we can’t change the laws. We are dealing a justice system comprised of many sociopathic judges and attorneys. Even if the law could be changed, how could we trust the courts to uphold it? We must learn to protect ourselves or at least try.

HopingToHeal

You have an excellent point, Stargazer.
Personal responsibility and respect for the intimate gift of sex are the keys. It’s a societal issue.

I think there are many times that women are drawn into these relationships with Spaths by the charm and then give into to sex way too quickly. Once committed, it’s hard to walk away. And as we’ve all seem,these predators will Lie! I’m sure that it never occurred to you that the man you were with was married and living with his wife. He charmed and deceived you.

And your point about the court system is right on target. I guess there’s no way to regulate character and integrity in these people. I know for me, I’m just so angry that I would like for their to be some formal way to seek retribution. I guess the lesson learned is the most important retribution I can have.

Bally

Stargazer and HopingToHeal, you both have excellent points on waiting before intimacy and also that Spaths can wear their masks for a long time. I thought I would share that the ex-psychopath pursued me constantly and although I enjoyed the attention, I didn’t find him attractive initially. This fact, coupled with me not having had sex for a long time (and therefore feelig a bit scared) resulted in the psychopath having to pursue me for nearly a year before I was seduced. Unknown to me, he was having sex with some other poor victims at this time while telling me I was the love of his life, as I wrote earlier. I was cautious and insisted on STD tests first, even though I also wanted protected sex intially. So we can wait for intimacy to get to know someone better, which is responsible behaviour as Stargazer points out, however spaths will lie as HopingToHeal adds…….and they con us and deceive us as I’ve shared with my experience. I think taking one’s time can greatly reduce our risks generally, however where a predator is concerned as long as the psychopath is enjoying the hunt, the game and the “dupers delight” then time may not even protect us. But we can reduce the risks by educating ourselves and learn as much about psychopathy as possible – in the hope that we can detect their typical behaviours early on and dump them before intimacy takes place. So TAKING OUR TIME as Stargazer recommends, coupled with our KNOWLEDGE ABOUT PSYCHOPATH BEHAVIOURS give us the chance to spot the red flags (love-bombing etc) and reduce our risks.

Stargazer

Bally, wow! A year is a long time to wear a mask, but you are right. I’ve heard stories about them wearing them for years. Looking back, did you see any signs right away? The charm? The love bombing in the first few weeks? Catching him in lies? Anything you would know to avoid next time?

My comment was not only about protecting ourselves by waiting, although that is a very valid reason. It was more of a commentary on the degeneration of values in our society. People sleep together at the drop of a hat. They don’t try to form deeper connections. It carries into all aspects of our instant-gratification oriented society. It’s very sad to see the number of healthy relationships declining because people
don’t consider their bodies sacred, and cannot delay gratification for something deeper. Women have to compete for men, and they have to compete with a large population of women who throw themselves at the same men. It all contributes to a culture where rape is trivialized because sex itself is trivialized.

I was recently reading a book called “How to Think like a Man but Act like a Lady.” He talks about the reasons men cheat. One of the reasons – that there are all kinds of available women. If women would just be less “available” to men, men would have a harder time cheating. And they’d have to work a little harder to get a woman’s attention. But it’s so easy – everywhere you look. It’s a wonder more people aren’t cheating.

Folks-

We need to stop putting the victim on trial.

Even in New Jersey law, the actions of the offender, not the victim, are what constitutes a crime. No one has the right to violate another regardless of how foolish the actions of their victim. It’s not the naivete of the victim, but the crime of the offender that’s at issue.

I live in New York City. When tourists are robbed because they happened into a dangerous location, we don’t say, stupid tourist, they got what they deserved. And yet we see that attitude constantly about women who are raped.

No one’s self determination over their sexual sanctity should ever be violated…. not by assault,coercion, intoxication, dope, age, mental capacity, or by fraud.

Joyce

aintgonnatakeitnomore

I think that even tho u were scammed, u have the satisfaction that u DID do all u could have to not get defrauded. U have no I shoulda, if only I coulda, wish I woulda…
That is such comfort sometimes. In spite of reasonable precautions, such as not jumping into bed, u were deceived. Shame on THEM, not you. While crime is always utterly uncalled for and despicable, playing the fool is not ever uplifting to one’s self respect, self worth or self esteem. Foolishness can result in harm. Reason enough to stay far from it.

HopingToHeal

Very good point Bally,

My husband was not attractive to me when our relationship first began. He, also chased me. I was a single mom of three young children, the perfect target. The game of hunting, chasing and then obtaining the target is very clear to me as I look back. And of course, once he had my love and devotion, then the game changed to “I want you, I don’t want you”. Had I known then what I do now, I would have seen the giant billowing red flags.

That has been the story of the last 23 years. Until very recently when I read LoveFraud and found this site, his mask stayed in place very well. He was able to talk me out of any and every thing that arose. I had faith that God would bless my devotion and faithfulness.

One of my strongest growth points in this process is my deeper understanding of God. I always believed that in the end, Gods will would prevail. And ultimately in the END of this time, His ultimate plan will prevail. I was naive in my faith. It came from being “churched” since I was young, which is not a bad thing just a very enveloping mindset that didn’t provide the opportunity for me to see the real world and how life works. I saw God as a good fairy sort of God. A father who would open his wallet and give me a $20 for me to go out with my friends. A father who would take me to Disney World and make everything in my like ok.

What I understand today, that was not clear before is the power of my autonomous decisions. God does and wills bless and provide for me when I choose to follow his laws and commands. However, it’s ignorant to believe God will bless “us” when one of us is obviously living a completely amoral life.

God does provide the things necessary for me to survive. Those things are inside of me…my intuition, my compassion for myself and others and respect. When I look at my own father and how he loved me, I see that making things ok for me was only a small part of the picture. My dad’s greatest success in life was teaching me how to survive, to make the right choices, and to see the clear picture. And I in turn, taught those things to my children.

I look at myself at this point in my life and I just want to shake myself and say “what the heck is wrong with you?
Wake up, look around, there’s a big beautiful world out there waiting on you to come use your talents and gifts. Why, oh why, are you still letting this situation have any impact on you? You have the tools, God given, to change your life today!”

I know this comment seemed like I’m chasing a rabbit. Haha. I did have a point when I began. I guess the point is that sometimes our ideals get in the way and make us more venerable to being duped. Knowledge IS POWER!

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

Hoping to Heal.
I went through some of the same with God. I quickly realized there is a big difference between God and religion. Religion shamed me, I was never good enough, I deserved abuse. But when I asked God, he said, “no you are loved by me. I did not create you to be abused.”

All humans have free will, and in that free will stuff is buried misery and abuse. Evil does not come from God, it comes from man’s heart (or lack thereof).

God does love us. But I have concluded religion surely does not.

Bally

HopingToHeal my heart goes out to you. Most people won’t know about psychopathy until they have been burned by it. I cannot speak for others, but I don’t think I would have understood the literature so well had I not of had the psychopath experience to relate to. We have all had the “ah ha” moment I’m sure when reading about the disorder. I’m glad your faith gave you strength.

Stargazer

I think if we could just get the legal system to recognize what a sociopath is to begin with, this would go a long way toward prosecuting them. Perhaps then they could be sued for intentional infliction of emotional distress. A law for this already exists. But just keeping it real, I don’t the people in the justice system (many of whom are sociopaths themselves) are ever going to feel compassion for a rape by fraud case. Only those who have experienced it can really know how awful it is.

Bally

Stargazer, I was given constant attention, constant emails at work, constant texts, calls. I was bombarded with gifts. I was told how beautiful I was. I felt special for the first time in 20 years. I even thought “at last here is someone who appreciates me!” I didn’t know this was “love-bombing” as I didn’t know anything then about psychopathy. This love-bombing was constant, not just a few weeks. I believed him when he said he had to spend 2 weeks a month abroad “for work reasons” (he was self employed but didn’t actually even work himself as his manager did everything); I believed I was the love of his life because of the love-bombing; I believed it all. There were cracks in the mask from time to time that I chose to ignore – he would get insanely jealous of me spending time with friends; he would accuse me of fancying my male friends and them me; he would want to know where I was and what I was doing when I wasn’t with him; he used to cry like a baby (it was so unnatural with even slobbers coming out of his mouth) when I wouldn’t enter into intimacy saying “I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING!”; he wouldn’t leave my house at night and kept me up until the next morning many times arguing why I wouldn’t have sex with him and I was frightened then but didn’t listen to my intuition as I also liked to feel loved; he insisted I call him if I was out with friends and call him when I arrived home; he asked me about my finances and if I had a pension fund as well as how much my house was worth and how much I earned (all early on); he said he wanted to marry me and be a house-husband; he wouldn’t take my calls at night when abroad and started to put his phone off the hook in his hotel room – I could go on and on with examples. The point is because I didn’t know anything about psychopathy then I wasn’t able to spot the red flags even though I took my time with him. But worse I knew things didn’t add up but ignored my gut feeling. Education on this disorder should be, I believe, given to kids in school.

Stargazer

Bally, was there ever a point where the love bombing felt uncomfortable or smothering? The one I dated started with the love bombing, and it actually repulsed me a little in the beginning. That was my gut feeling. So what did I do with that information my body was giving me? I rationalized. I told myself that I’ve been rejected by a lot of guys, so maybe this is what true love feels like. That was my first betrayal of my own intuition.

Delores

I did the same thing. I did not trust my instincts, even to the rationalization of maybe this is what real love feels like.

Bally

Stargazer, great question as It made me reflect on the love-bombing. A few points…I remember the day after I met him he delivered many expensive gifts to my work that I refused to accept. I told him it wasn’t appropriate. He said the cost was nothing to him and it would be too embarrassing for him to return them to the shop. These expensive gifts continued and I told him it made me feel uncomfortable. It made me feel like I was being manipulated to have to something that I didn’t want to do – like I now owed him something. The more presents he gave me the more I felt he was looking for something in return. It had got out of control and I felt overwhelmed at the feeling of “payback time”. At the same time part of me enjoyed feeling special, I know that sounds weird, I just didn’t like the feeling of what he expected off me in return. This was obviously sex and then to become a kept man in my home. Also he always used to say “I know you would do the same for me because you are the kindest, dearest girl I’ve ever met”.

Another example of feeling uncomfortable was receiving unpleasant texts from him if I didn’t respond to his immediately. He didn’t understand when I explained I was concentrating when at work and didn’t deal with social stuff then.

Also he used to invade my personal space. He would march over at full speed to me with his words of love so close he actually would stand on my feet. I told him many times I felt uncomfortable with it and to leave distance but it made no difference. I felt like I was being devoured, in a way. Friends observed it on a social outing and one told him (in private) it looked like I was being smothered.

I used to feel nervous in his presence because he was so full on…I put this down to not fancying him.

His actions were also very fast, like quick reactions, nothing was relaxed, sort of a nervous energy. It made me feel I had to be alert.

Stargazer, thank you so much for asking that question. I remember feeling that way at the time but now that I’m psychopath-free I didn’t reflect on those feelings again. That was my survival instinct/gut warning me. It made me realise that like you, I rationalised how I was feeling and tried to dismiss fear even though the feelings of fear continued.

Stargazer

Bally, the first day I met mine in person, he also invaded my space. We were not dating then. We had just met. But he got right into my space to smell my scent (I wear Victoria Secret lotion) and touch me. It was actually very creepy. I remember telling a friend that. After I ended it with him (actually he discarded me but didn’t take responsibility for the break-up (!)), he went to an expo where he knew I’d be. Though I completely ignored him, he also walked right up behind me and smelled my hair. I didn’t see it, but my friend told me.

Anyway, the first part of your story with all the expensive gifts reminds me of the first chapter of 50 Shades of Grey. Did you ever read that? If it wasn’t fiction with a fairy tale ending, you would swear this guy is a sociopath. Of course, he turns out to be a good guy in spite of all his stalking and controlling of her and deviant sexual behaviors. Sure. That happens in real life. (not)

Bally

Stargazer, I heard of that book some time back as it was the “in” book to read. I never read it as I don’t tend to read fictional books, sounds like I’m really boring as I always spend free time reading books to do with my work. Wonder if it was based on some of the author’s own real experiences of a psychopath if the book reflects how predators operate? I assumed that my love-bombing was the same as everyone else’s more or less – perhaps not? It was really over the top and I actually believed I was special. When I wouldn’t have sex him he once said “maybe you are out of my league”. Was that because he really thought that or another manipulation to get me to do what he wanted by feeling sorry for him? He was very manipulative and used to talk non-stop. If I called him he would immediately rattle off non-stop talking and not even hear or be interested in why I was calling. If I tried to talk in between his breaths he would carry on talking over me. Sometimes I used to just hang up in frustration or sometimes I would place the phone down and go to the loo and when I came back he was still talking – he never even noticed I wasn’t there.

Sounds like you had your space invaded too. I used to think it was because he fancied me so much and needed to be close. I used to shake and freeze at the beginning then I started to turn it onto a joke to help me cope – I used to dodge him and laugh when he “marched over” to me. I’ve also just remembered a time when we were outside a restaurant and he was almost on top of me and I was so uncomfortable….a stranger came over and asked me if I was ok and the psychopath went nuts with the man. The kind stranger wouldn’t leave until I thanked him and said I was OK.

Stargazer

Bally, I think they all have an inappropriate sense of boundaries because they don’t respect boundaries. There are no boundaries, as far as they are concerned. They just do whatever they want, take whatever they want, and manipulate to get what they want if it is not given freely.

As for the book….the main character, Christian Grey, is not supposed to by a predator. He turns out to be a good guy with some issues, but she is able to break through to him. However, if any of us were reading that book, his behaviors would scream “psychopath” from the start. That’s why it’s fiction. You can give a fictional story any ending you want. Wouldn’t it have been nice if we could have fixed the issues with the disordered men we dated? In real life, it usually goes the other way. We don’t fix them; they break us (or try).

Bally

Stargazer, I’m not going to fix the unfixable or even fixable again. They can see a therapist for that! The first signs of a disorder and you won’t see my heels for dust! If they seem perfect then we should try and prove ourselves wrong! Wonder if there are any articles on female psychopaths in terms of their behaviour as a “friend” rather than in a romantic relationship. That is another predator we girls need to learn about. Maybe they don’t really have friends….the psychopath didn’t seem to have any friends except one person he mentioned. I know a female who set my warning bells off and I want to get some reading material. Do you know of anything?

Delores

I despise the concept of a “hate crime”, it is so vague and undefinable in most instances. But can think of no worse “hate crime” than rape. And yet rape is not considered a hate crime. Hate works in all directions and rape is the most obvious hate crime of them all. Rape has nothing to do with sexual gratification and everything to do with violating a person, demeaning and hate.

I do believe that rape is a crime of choice for psychopaths but not all rapists are psychopaths…just greedy power hungry, selfish deviants who deserve life without parole. Pedophiles deserve the death penalty. What is wrong with a so called civilized country that does not protect its women and children?

Women need to have concealed carry permits because no one is out there to protect us. Rapists, murderers and child molesters are consistently released from prison and they consistently repeat their crimes. It is a revolving door with no end.

Unfortunately, society’s concept of rape is part of the problem. And our criminal justice system is antiquated.

Rape is about dominance, and rape by fraud is one of the most insidious forms of dominance. The entire time the victim is sharing sexual intimacy with the offender, the offender is getting off on how successfully their deception worked.

When a person knowingly lies and misleads in order to seduce, they are not being intimate, just the opposite. They are a rapist. And it’s time we all spoke out and changed society’s concepts about morality in romance.

Joyce

Infinity

Kudos!
How can we help?

Stargazer-

If enough people were sufficiently outraged about this issue, it would bring about change. Unfortunately, many are simply unaware. That’s what my book, Donna’s book, and the works of others are trying to cure.

Change goes through stages, until it reaches acceptance. Once it does, there’s a feeling of, “of course,” “how could we ever have seen it differently?” But a painful discussion that includes nay-saying, ridicule, and even anger, may need to take place in order to get there.

Statistics from the mental health community show that psychopaths are a small percentage of society. I haven’t lost faith that moral reasoning will prevail and an ideological change is about to take place.

It only takes a spark to light a fire.

Joyce

Infinity

I too, live in NJ and am a victim of rape by defraud. Is there a petition I can sign or a letter I can write? I want to help get this law passed.

Infinity,

Please contact me directly at [email protected]

Anyone else who has been victimized by rape by fraud should do so as well. If you live in NJ, please indicate so in the subject line of your correspondence.

Joyce

Bally

Joyce, thanks for your response. When I was duped and found out he blamed it on me for taking so long to have intimacy even though he had been having secret “relationships” with other women the whole time. At first I was in terrible shock. For a split second he denied it (even though the evidence was in black and white) then played the severity down. He wasn’t even sorry, let alone embarrassed and behaved all smug and couldn’t care less. It was like the game with me was over and he moved on in an instant even though he had been declaring I was the love of his life an hour before I found out. I felt tricked, conned, deceived, humiliated, violated, duped, stupid…..and really hurt. It was then I also felt terrified for my sexual health and started to think I would never have got involved with him had I of known the truth about him and what he had done behind my back. Yes I felt raped by deceit – it was the most eerie feeling as I had it done to me without realising at the time. Like I had been constantly fed date rape pills. His date rape pills were his lies, his deceit, his conning, his manipulation, his love-bombing. He fed me lies from the first day I met him to the last day of contact.

I expect you are in the USA…how do we get this to other countries? Can I help?

Hi Bally-

I know that pain! Betrayal is a form of abandonment, and the sense of defilement that pervades when a sexual relationship is involved is extremely difficult to get past. My heart goes out to you.

You’ve raised an interesting point that I’d like to address. Fraud takes many forms. There are lies of intent, and there are biographical lies, as well as others.

Many folks think that lies of intent don’t constitute a fraud, they’re just “puffery”, but if a lie of intent is told specifically to manipulate a victim, and the offender had no interest in following up on the intent when they spoke the lie, they truly committed a fraud. Unfortunately, lies of intent are particularly difficult to prove. And the courts will side on “intent” being discernible only in the mind of the offender and will be unlikely to convict. That does not mean that fraud by intent did not happen, or that you were any the less raped by it. Justice is about proof, however, not about truth.

Lies of biographical information, however, are lies in which the offender is an “impostor.” Their actual persona is different than the characteristics they presented. The victim grants consent to one person, while the offender is truly another. Those cases are more straight forward.

I am in the US. I’m in NYC. By championing this battle in the US, I believe it will spread to other places. Interestingly, as indicated in my book, a man was convicted of rape by fraud in Israel not too long ago. And I believe we’ll see similar sentiment coming from the UK on this subject.

The offender in the New Jersey case, in which an arrest was made yesterday, had lived in, and was convicted of bigamy and pedophilia, in the UK.

Joyce

aintgonnatakeitnomore

I tell us wat…I was only lovebombed once. The spath was too narcissistic to bother lol
But the lovebombing was wonderful. Felt like I was 15 again lol Knew at the base something was wrong but didn’t care. Quickly saw how selfish this person was but enjoyed it anyway till it grew tiresome. Like being told and I know you would always do thus and such or I know you want me too or other stuff that I would think…you don’t tell someone their feelings! That is insecurity talking there.
So if it happens again, I will enjoy it again until I’m tired of it. This time however, I will be done when the crazy starts. When the demands outweigh the firebombing. Cuz that’s all it is…a grooming technique for abuse.

I know it’s tempting to allow yourself to “knowingly” be lovebombed! Everyone likes being treated as if they’re special.

But keep in mind, the person behind all that smoke, mirrors, and uniquely directed flattery is a sociopath. You are best advised to stay clear of them from the moment you recognize what they are.

Joyce

Bally

Joyce, thanks for explaining the differences in these types of fraud. Should this one day be recognised as a crime in the legal system, I will be delighted that it will also expose psychopaths to the general public – a quick google of their name and up it comes “jailed for rape by fraud”. The psychopath I knew has done this all his life but walks the streets a free man in more than one country to carry on doing it to an endless supply of unsuspecting and trusting women.

Question for you – will this be a law that can look at cases retrospectively or will it only apply to the victims of rape by fraud from the date of implementation of the new law?

Thanks also for your kind words. I am fully recovered. I stumbled across psychopathy literature nearly two years ago but it was only about a year ago I acknowledged the “encounter” I had was with a psychopath. He ticked every box – a text book case. I didn’t want to believe it at first, even though I was over him, because I didn’t want to believe I was never loved, never adored, never special, never the girl of his dreams – I especially didn’t want to believe I was duped and just a source of his entertainment. What a waste of time and a painful experience but at least I had my answer as to why he did what he did.

Armed with some knowledge of psychopathy, it was then easy to ignore his “out of the blue” texts that started to bombard me last year. Luckily I had also read somewhere previously that psychopaths tend to come back like an old boomerang when seeking to maintain a dominance bond, or simply for entertainment because they are bored. All I got was the “shakes” when the texts started to arrive – especially when the tone became angry because I wouldn’t respond.

Therefore I’m on this site to share experiences that may help others. Also to learn from everyone. Although I’m healed, I think this site is a great source of help for those who are at the stage of healing.

Bally

Aintgonna, thanks for your earlier message. My encounter with the psychopath didn’t end when I first discovered his deceit. It should have done, but that was just the beginning of even more drama. I will give my experiences from time to time when a topic comes up. I now cannot believe how I was manipulated and my strings pulled like a puppet. I never considered him intelligent and so it bewildered me how he could cunningly do that to me. I guess the answer is that it wasn’t intelligence, it was the psychopath’s in-built behaviours that come naturally to him.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

Yes it’s not intelligence, it’s sickness. The npd I was with is just NOT smart. The spath is prob. Interestingly, I believed the npd much more. But regardless, WE are normal. They are sick outcasts. WE have nothing to feel bad for. Including our ability to be bamboozled. I am so far from naive but I don’t think that’s a good thing even. Regardless, I still was entangled in such cognitive dissonance. Even my native cynicism didn’t save me. Feel bewildered? No, don’t go there…you ARE a smart, strong, capable,WORTHY woman. He is scum, pure n simple.

Bally

Aintgonna, thank you for your kind words and I’m sorry to hear that you have had more than one bad experience. I note that you have done quite a bit of research on these disordered people to distinguish between them.

It is beneficial for us all to do some exploring to identify our possible vulnerabilities. In my case, the psychopath unwittingly told them to me during conversations. It was only on reflection that I recalled those conversations. I recently asked my mum and a close friend what they thought they might be – they identified them to be the same as the psychopath had noticed, only he was more thorough with his observations/study of me. Scary that he was even more accurate than my mum. And scary he knew what I didn’t even know then about myself.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

Remember ANYone can know things about ourselves we dont. The spath is not gifted. He is fine-tuned into ways of manipulation and deception, he’s studied the craft of conning for yrs most likely. He can carry out his heinous methods becuz he has no empathy, no human response at all, to others. He makes a lifestyle out of using ppl while feeling nothing for their ensuing hurt.
Give him no special powers, no special traits except those you would give any living entity trying to survive. A virus drills itself into a cell and then takes over its nucleus; the result is the cell-identity vanishes and the virus lives on. Now, in a one-celled creature we can’t call this evil–but in a person, most definitely pure EVIL. Nothing special, just twisted and sadistic. Thank God you are out of his slimy grasp.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

Dear Aint,
Can ya feel me through the screen? I’m the one shouting, YES YES YES. Oh this is a GREAT post! Thank YOU for writing it.

My ex-husband used shame, that was his M.O. I watched him emasculate men, implying that if they wanted to consult with their wives about a decision, it meant they were weak, not men. He shamed me: what kind of woman says she loves her husband and then questions his motives. My ex’s skill at using shame was well honed, Fine Tuned, heinous. It worked especially well on people of honor and decency, and on our children (and worked like magic on narcissists,which he used as abusers by proxy).

My ex-virus does not have an admirable gift, he’s just twisted and sadistic.

Infinity

Woah, what did he say to the Narcissits?? I never heard of that! My ex used guilt. My mother is a Narcicisst. Nothing happened.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

Infinity: Narcissists were easy for my ex to manipulate. He just fed their greed, about themselves, about what other people thought of them, about status and having the right “things”. He gave them approval for being cruel. Not caring about others? Was rewarded. Narcissists LOVE this.

About guilt.
Guilt is a good thing. It’s a gauge to let you know you were unkind, thoughtless, etc. It’s proof you have a conscience. I USED to think I had a guilt problem. I didn’t. I had a SHAME problem. That I wasn’t enough. Guilt did not make me feel less than, SHAME did. Guilt means someone did something bad (why guilt is used as a legal term), SHAME means you, as a person/a being, are bad, as defined by a predator.

I can’t tell you how wonderfully freeing it was when I “got it” (I have a thick skull), that shame was the carp that was done TO ME, not BY me… it’s was never MY burden to carry, it was dumped on me by an abuser.

Brene Brown does a very good job explaining the difference. Find her talks on Youtube.

Guilt can only be felt by people who have a conscience.

I used to be an executive recruiter for firms in the field of finance. One Sunday, I picked up my NY Times to see the face of a young man I’d just placed with Bache and Company (no longer in business), staring back at me. He had pummeled a little girl’s head in with a rock and was arrested for murder.

Back when he started with Bache, it was in the era that all brokerage firms gave their back office personnel lie-detector tests. Even though one of the first questions he was asked was, “have you ever committed a crime,” he passed the test with flying colors.

Bally-

You’d asked me if rape by fraud laws can be retroactively invoked.
Unfortunately, I doubt that any criminal law could be implemented retroactively, but there may be laws on the books in your state that protect against rape by fraud.

If you’ve been watching the news about William Allen Jordan, the laws in New Jersey state that “affirmative permission” must be granted in order for legally sanctioned sexual conduct to take place. Donna and I were both present when Mischele Lewis gave her statement to the police. The man had lied about specific identity characteristics which could only be seen as having vitiated her “knowing consent.” Without “knowing consent” how could one possibly provide the offender with “affirmative permission?” And Jordan had to know that a) he lied, and b)in doing so he defrauded her of her “knowing consent.”

If anyone else has had a recent run-in with an impostor, please contact me. There may be other cases such as Mischele’s that can be pursued and I will look at the statutes in that state, as I did in Mischele’s, and let you know.

People who have been told lies of intent are just as “raped” as people who have been told lies of biographical information. Unfortunately, because lack of intent is much more difficult to prove, it would be harder to get the authorities to act. But if you were told lies of identity information; age, marital status, education, communicable disease, etc., please contact me.

Joyce

Bally

Joyce, thank you for your response and more useful information. If you can spare a moment, I was wondering if you could list a few more examples of lies of intent and lies of biographical info. The psychopath said he was single and spent his time alone when not with me while he had two other women “on the go” that I know of. When he was abroad he would say he sat at the table of dinner gala events all alone while everyone were coupled and how people felt sorry for him….while in reality his other girlfriend was with him. He even had a professional photographer take photos of him holding his written messages of love saying he would wait alone for me forever. All methods to pretend he was single. All to fraudulently seduce me. All over-the-top yet I fell for it as I really believed he was madly in love with me. Although I’m healed this still makes me really retch.

What a CAD!

Here’s an example of lies of biographical information: Will Jordan allegedly claimed he was never married, went by a different name, and his age was incorrect. His employment was also a lie. He claimed he had no children. There are 13 known children he has fathered.

My ex stated his age, religion, marital status, education, military service and a host of other identity characteristics incorrectly.

“Intent” could be about their deep desire to marry you and convince you that you’re the only woman in the world for them.

Your guy defrauded you. He lied to induce you to have a sexual relationship with him, plain and simple. He was not “alone” and had no intent to be “alone” or monogamous.

Justice is not about truth. It’s about proof. And unfortunately, proving that he did not “intend” to be alone and monogamous when he professed to be, is difficult to prove. If he lied about his physical characteristics, and the laws are realistically out of the dark ages in your state, that’s another matter.

A single guy is “single” even if he has other girlfriends. He’s not married. A “monogamous” guy is not monogamous if he has other girlfriends, but his intent in the matter has too much wiggle room for a case to be built.

So, it’s no wonder you feel so distressed over this relationship, but could the law be brought down on his lying, scheming head? Probably not.

Wish I had better news for you!
Joyce

Bally

Joyce, thank you so, so much for taking the time once again to explain this with more examples. It was really useful to me.

Yes, I’m a lies by intent case. I have those “waiting alone” photos he sent me (date of emails etc) on an old laptop as he emailed them to me as well as his old emails about being alone/monogamous – would it be proof that he did not intend to be alone and monogamous when he professed to be if the other two women were willing to be the evidence of that? One of them knew it was a just a sexual relationship with him only and knew of his other women, while the other lady thought she was in an exclusive relationship with him (she was a lies by intent case like me).

HopingToHeal

To all my friends on LF,

Last night, I went to see the movie “The Other Woman”. It’s a comedy, but the base story is one most of us have lived. It could have easily been written directly from my life. I think others will find it very relatable also.

What I wanted to share is how this movie brings to light the Spath without a mask, and has the ability to start the ball rolling for protection of people from LoveFraud. The story accurately portrays this cheating manipulative man as a Spath. They actually use the word Sociopath. He is the worst of the worst and if you see it, you will recognize love bombing, gas lighting, hoovering. He even pitches a big baby tantrum at the end. Something we are accustomed to, right?

It is a light hearted movie about a sad serious subject. They do touch on the wife’s pain, but not deeply since the movie is suppose to be funny. I will say the retaliation methods these women use were humorous. I felt validated when I left the theatre.

Of course, the movie didn’t contain any real help or advice for victims, but I do think that the subject covered is very relevant and will expose many people to the reality of the manipulation a of the Spath predator and the damaged lives left behind by their destruction.

Awareness is the first step. And hey, I spent a couple of hours laughing as I watched. That’s a good thing.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

i do want to see that movie! thanx for the review 🙂

HopingToHeal

Aintgonnatakeitnomore,

I also had one more piece of advice. We may want to buy stock in the companies that make index cards. I’ve been using them in my Jesus prayer box and I can already see that these companies will need to boost manufacturing to meet the growing retail sales of index cards. :). I can see myself using a pack or two a week with all the messages I’m sending up and letting go of. Laugh, laugh. I really do love the box idea. Who was it that posted that?

aintgonnatakeitnomore

IDK lol
but its a good idea!
if only our problems could vanish like that…
i am tired of “opportunities” and “growth” and “all things happen for a reason”. they can happen to someone else for a change and im as big as i wanna get HA

HopingToHeal

I’m right there with you:)

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