Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a just released book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud.
By Joyce M. Short
A new case in New Jersey will soon test that concept.
Enforcers will determine whether rape law protects a person’s right to self determination over their personal sexual intimacy. They could decide that choice simply does not matter at all, or they could protect the victim’s entitlement to choice based on the same rights granted in every other human interaction.
Way back when Rome ruled the world, rape was established as a crime only when a woman who was a virgin, and not a slave, was victimized. “Harm” was allocated to the owner of her virginity, the head of her household, and our laws have not progressed much from there.
Imposter rape
Today, some states have laws to protect married women from being hoodwinked into sexual intercourse with a man who pretends to be her husband, but those same states fail to apply the same principal to an unmarried woman if a man pretends to be her boyfriend. Impostor rape, also known as rape by fraud, where biographical information is fraudulent, is the same in both situations. But it is treated as a crime against a married woman only because her husband is cheated of his wife’s purity.
The egregious concept behind this misguided mindset is that defrauding a married woman commits adultery against her husband and is, therefore, a criminal offense. Rape law fails to recognize that the woman’s marital status, and who the offender pretended to be are irrelevant. That they pretended to be a person they were not robbed the victim of the “knowing consent” they were entitled to in deciding who to engage in sex with.
The real harm in rape
Most states have yet to recognize or embrace the real harm in rape — the violation of one’s most intimate core, the breach of self determination regarding one’s own personal sexuality. Our laws struggle with concepts that dance around what rape really is. Instead, they focus on what penetrates, where it penetrates, how it penetrates and who it penetrates. They hark back to the origins of the laws with little concern to the real victim of the crime. They lack the simple concept that any sexual penetration without “knowing consent,” is rape.
Criminal code for invading a person’s integrity abound in every other aspect of human interaction. One can be punished for achieving personal gain through assault, coercion, fraud, deceit, theft, robbery, or any means that breaches the “covenant of good faith” or “knowing consent” between two parties. If a person lied about biographical information to consummate a business transaction, criminal code exists to recognize and penalize such wrongdoing as fraud. But to lie about biographical information to defraud a victim of sex is blithely treated as the “puffery” of seduction, as if property has more value to a person than their basic and most intimate sexual autonomy.
Punishable offenses
Rape never goes away. The victim carries a sense of defilement in their psyche for a lifetime. People who are raped are thirteen times more apt to commit suicide than people who are not. It’s time to speak out and let our lawmakers know that all types of rape — by assault, by treachery, date rape, statutory rape, rape by mental incapacity whether permanent or temporary, rape by fraud or deceit, and rape by coercion, should all be punishable offenses throughout a moral society.
We will soon know whether the laws in New Jersey protect a woman’s right to choose who they have sex with or not. Stay tuned for the results.
Thank you Joyce. Will rape by deceit include, for example, a husband having a secret affair but pretends to be the faithful husband to his wife (and therefore continues to have sex with her too)? His wife has therefore been deceived into having sex with her unfaithful husband.
Bally-
A betraying husband is committing the crime of adultery.
For many years, criminal code excluded husbands as rape offenders. The wife was simply there to service his needs, no matter what they were. You’ve raised a very valid point.
Whenever someone is fraudulent in the act of a sexual encounter, when self determination about who you chose to have sex with is vitiated through lies or fraud, you’ve been raped. And I’m sure you felt raped as a result of your husband’s betrayal.
Rape by fraud is hard to recognize as a crime because from the outside, people don’t see bruises or physical turmoil. Bruises to a person’s psyche, however, can be even longer-term than the harm of assault.
Joyce
My question goes along with Bally’s. If a husband is having sex outside the marriage and continues to claim his fidelity to his wife while continuing to have sex with her constitutes fraud, doesn’t it? The wife is actually stripped of all ability to make a conscious choice of whether or not she would have sex with a man (partner) of multiple partners, and WORSE, has no ability to protect herself from STDs. She is robbed of the truth needed to protect herself from a possible life threatening disease. If mail fraud, insurance fraud and petty theft are against the law, shouldn’t this violation, of the most intimate decision of life, have great legal consequence also?
It’s embarrassing to read the laws of rape as you describe. How is it possible that these laws are so archaic? Could it be that women are not considered to be nearly as equal in society as we would like to think ourselves to be? Whatever the reason, we need laws to protect us.
HopingToHeal-
You’re absolutely correct about your concept of fraud and the status of criminal code. In New Jersey, it’s a crime to roll back your car’s mileage. You could go to jail for it. And even though New Jersey’s code for sexual assault was completely revised in 2012, whether the District Attorney will prosecute a deliberate and outright crime of sexual fraud remains to be seen.
This is a case of “impostor” sexual assault in which the offender deliberately lied about everything, even as basic as his name and age. He has a prior conviction as a pedophile, and the victim has a young daughter.
So what are your thoughts? Do you think New Jersey should prosecute someone who circumvents “knowing consent” by fraud?
Joyce
Joyce,
In this article you state that rape is the violation of one’s most intimate core. This statement is so true! Unfortunately in our society, this is the area that people are most vulnerable yet the laws are so lenient. I absolutely think that a predator who fraudulently enters an intimate relationship should be prosecuted. This applies to misleading with untruthful biographical facts as well as secretly breaking a marriage covenant leaving the wife exposed.
I think if New Jersey has the law in place to prosecute in cases of biographical fraud, they should do so. If this state sets a precedence, then possibly other states will follow. As you have said in other comments, change is difficult for society but it can happen. Public awareness is the key.
Sadly, most who become aware of this and other betrayal issues only do so after being victimized. Sex is freely available but is still such a taboo subject. It’s not discussed within families, friendships, churches or schools, therefore the public remains ignorant of sexual deceit. Predators and sociopaths love that fact.
As a whole, people take a blind eye approach to sex. Rape by fraud, well that touches too close to home for many. Until awareness is made and accepted of the devastating tole of sexual promiscuity, sex trafficking, and pornography, I doubt that the significance of biographical fraud will be addressed.
In my opinion, many men (and women, I guess) receive accolades for their sexual conquest- politicians, businessmen, coaches, even the guy in a bar. I doubt that these people care or have any interest in how another is able to achieve his “fun”, they are only worried about themselves. I think that the insensitivity toward victims of any type of sexual fraud comes from this environment.
Does that make sense? It’s almost as if society’s lenient and lustful attitude toward sex is used to work against anyone or anything that may appear to limit sexual gratification, even fraud and rape.
It’s so disturbing. If New Jersey would just apply the law, then maybe others would have the courage to follow. It must happen.
So, my long rambling on is to say Yes, NJ should take these people down, incarcerate them and force them to provide restitution. Thank you for giving us hope that somewhere consequences may be applied. Any hope for victims is a step in the right direction.
HopingToHeal, you have knocked the nail on the head and very well explained. My ex-psychopath paid to get full tests done on himself for STD’s, at my insistence, before any intimacy with me. Then voluntarily swore on his son’s life that there was noone else but me (he was divorced) and I was the love of his life. You know the rest – he used the test results to his selfish advantage, as I later discovered he was seeing several women intimately at the same time in the same city and some abroad – the victims also told me he showed them the test results so that he didn’t have to wear a condom with them. I then had full tests myself and was terrified. Luckily I was clear. The ultimate deceit – not only playing with the hearts of so many unsuspecting and cautious women, but then totally conning them into unprotected sex with him. Noone would have entered into intimacy with him in the first place if they knew there were other women at the same time – even protected sex. I also could not get over how he could “swear on his sons life” to show his sincerity. That was before I knew about psychopathy – once you know about psychopaths nothing surprises you. Lovefraud readers, they will stoop to the lowest and dirtiest tricks in the book. A relationship with them could end with your death. I hope you all find the strength to ditch these parasites and predators or, if you have been dumped, then they did you a big favour. Keep reading about psychopathy – it is a big healer. Every time you want contact with them then read about their disorder instead. Replace the addiction with education. At all costs NO CONTACT as Donna wisely advises, it works.
Bally,
It’s repulsive to think of how your Spath used his negative STD test to con you and others. Now I wonder how many times my husband has done that to me. Yuck. I’m serious, thank God I am still in good health.
After one knows the truth, it’s not much different than choosing to live with an ax murderer in a house full of axes. Every day is a gamble, and one day the dice will roll out against us.
My first attorney told me a story of a woman who came to see him for a divorce. Her husband was a cheater. She was torn on what to do. He said he was sorry….yada, yada, yada…. But she finally reasoned that it was best to pursue the divorce and did. Two years later, her then ex husband died of aids. Luckily she escaped uninflected. Timing is everything. We all would be wise to listen to our gut instinct on when to get out.
I agree with you, Joyce, and I would add my personal situation where he pretended to be divorced when he was in fact married and living with his wife.
One contributing problem I see, which is an insidious problem in this society, is the way in which sex is trivialized. So many people regard it as a casual act, like shaking hands; therefore, a person’s sexuality is not regarded as something sacred to be protected – a valuable possession like one’s money or home. Casual sex and “instant relationships” have replaced “courting” and taking the time to get to know someone and develop a true intimacy. It has become the norm in our society. Nowadays, people jump into bed at the drop of a hat for a variety of reasons. It’s not just men trying to charm women into sex. Woman are putting themselves out there very easily as well. I waited only 2 or 3 weeks before sleeping with the sociopath. This was only 2 or 3 dates. Not a long time.
This is probably going to be an unpopular view, but I think we ALL have responsibility in changing this. Yes, we need to be protected from rape by fraud. I believe it IS and should be considered as a crime. However, as women we also have responsibility to regard our OWN bodies as sacred and treat our sexuality like gold. If we don’t do that, how can we expect an impersonal court system to do it for us? I’m not saying everyone here has leaped into bed right away with someone. And I’m not saying this is an excuse for a sociopath to lie and cheat, because they can wear their mask for years – and I know that. But I do think if we can be discerning and WAIT, a lot of jerks will weed themselves out. We ALL have a responsibility, and this is something we can at least control, if we can’t change the laws. We are dealing a justice system comprised of many sociopathic judges and attorneys. Even if the law could be changed, how could we trust the courts to uphold it? We must learn to protect ourselves or at least try.
You have an excellent point, Stargazer.
Personal responsibility and respect for the intimate gift of sex are the keys. It’s a societal issue.
I think there are many times that women are drawn into these relationships with Spaths by the charm and then give into to sex way too quickly. Once committed, it’s hard to walk away. And as we’ve all seem,these predators will Lie! I’m sure that it never occurred to you that the man you were with was married and living with his wife. He charmed and deceived you.
And your point about the court system is right on target. I guess there’s no way to regulate character and integrity in these people. I know for me, I’m just so angry that I would like for their to be some formal way to seek retribution. I guess the lesson learned is the most important retribution I can have.
Stargazer and HopingToHeal, you both have excellent points on waiting before intimacy and also that Spaths can wear their masks for a long time. I thought I would share that the ex-psychopath pursued me constantly and although I enjoyed the attention, I didn’t find him attractive initially. This fact, coupled with me not having had sex for a long time (and therefore feelig a bit scared) resulted in the psychopath having to pursue me for nearly a year before I was seduced. Unknown to me, he was having sex with some other poor victims at this time while telling me I was the love of his life, as I wrote earlier. I was cautious and insisted on STD tests first, even though I also wanted protected sex intially. So we can wait for intimacy to get to know someone better, which is responsible behaviour as Stargazer points out, however spaths will lie as HopingToHeal adds…….and they con us and deceive us as I’ve shared with my experience. I think taking one’s time can greatly reduce our risks generally, however where a predator is concerned as long as the psychopath is enjoying the hunt, the game and the “dupers delight” then time may not even protect us. But we can reduce the risks by educating ourselves and learn as much about psychopathy as possible – in the hope that we can detect their typical behaviours early on and dump them before intimacy takes place. So TAKING OUR TIME as Stargazer recommends, coupled with our KNOWLEDGE ABOUT PSYCHOPATH BEHAVIOURS give us the chance to spot the red flags (love-bombing etc) and reduce our risks.
Bally, wow! A year is a long time to wear a mask, but you are right. I’ve heard stories about them wearing them for years. Looking back, did you see any signs right away? The charm? The love bombing in the first few weeks? Catching him in lies? Anything you would know to avoid next time?
My comment was not only about protecting ourselves by waiting, although that is a very valid reason. It was more of a commentary on the degeneration of values in our society. People sleep together at the drop of a hat. They don’t try to form deeper connections. It carries into all aspects of our instant-gratification oriented society. It’s very sad to see the number of healthy relationships declining because people
don’t consider their bodies sacred, and cannot delay gratification for something deeper. Women have to compete for men, and they have to compete with a large population of women who throw themselves at the same men. It all contributes to a culture where rape is trivialized because sex itself is trivialized.
I was recently reading a book called “How to Think like a Man but Act like a Lady.” He talks about the reasons men cheat. One of the reasons – that there are all kinds of available women. If women would just be less “available” to men, men would have a harder time cheating. And they’d have to work a little harder to get a woman’s attention. But it’s so easy – everywhere you look. It’s a wonder more people aren’t cheating.
Folks-
We need to stop putting the victim on trial.
Even in New Jersey law, the actions of the offender, not the victim, are what constitutes a crime. No one has the right to violate another regardless of how foolish the actions of their victim. It’s not the naivete of the victim, but the crime of the offender that’s at issue.
I live in New York City. When tourists are robbed because they happened into a dangerous location, we don’t say, stupid tourist, they got what they deserved. And yet we see that attitude constantly about women who are raped.
No one’s self determination over their sexual sanctity should ever be violated…. not by assault,coercion, intoxication, dope, age, mental capacity, or by fraud.
Joyce
I think that even tho u were scammed, u have the satisfaction that u DID do all u could have to not get defrauded. U have no I shoulda, if only I coulda, wish I woulda…
That is such comfort sometimes. In spite of reasonable precautions, such as not jumping into bed, u were deceived. Shame on THEM, not you. While crime is always utterly uncalled for and despicable, playing the fool is not ever uplifting to one’s self respect, self worth or self esteem. Foolishness can result in harm. Reason enough to stay far from it.
Very good point Bally,
My husband was not attractive to me when our relationship first began. He, also chased me. I was a single mom of three young children, the perfect target. The game of hunting, chasing and then obtaining the target is very clear to me as I look back. And of course, once he had my love and devotion, then the game changed to “I want you, I don’t want you”. Had I known then what I do now, I would have seen the giant billowing red flags.
That has been the story of the last 23 years. Until very recently when I read LoveFraud and found this site, his mask stayed in place very well. He was able to talk me out of any and every thing that arose. I had faith that God would bless my devotion and faithfulness.
One of my strongest growth points in this process is my deeper understanding of God. I always believed that in the end, Gods will would prevail. And ultimately in the END of this time, His ultimate plan will prevail. I was naive in my faith. It came from being “churched” since I was young, which is not a bad thing just a very enveloping mindset that didn’t provide the opportunity for me to see the real world and how life works. I saw God as a good fairy sort of God. A father who would open his wallet and give me a $20 for me to go out with my friends. A father who would take me to Disney World and make everything in my like ok.
What I understand today, that was not clear before is the power of my autonomous decisions. God does and wills bless and provide for me when I choose to follow his laws and commands. However, it’s ignorant to believe God will bless “us” when one of us is obviously living a completely amoral life.
God does provide the things necessary for me to survive. Those things are inside of me…my intuition, my compassion for myself and others and respect. When I look at my own father and how he loved me, I see that making things ok for me was only a small part of the picture. My dad’s greatest success in life was teaching me how to survive, to make the right choices, and to see the clear picture. And I in turn, taught those things to my children.
I look at myself at this point in my life and I just want to shake myself and say “what the heck is wrong with you?
Wake up, look around, there’s a big beautiful world out there waiting on you to come use your talents and gifts. Why, oh why, are you still letting this situation have any impact on you? You have the tools, God given, to change your life today!”
I know this comment seemed like I’m chasing a rabbit. Haha. I did have a point when I began. I guess the point is that sometimes our ideals get in the way and make us more venerable to being duped. Knowledge IS POWER!
Hoping to Heal.
I went through some of the same with God. I quickly realized there is a big difference between God and religion. Religion shamed me, I was never good enough, I deserved abuse. But when I asked God, he said, “no you are loved by me. I did not create you to be abused.”
All humans have free will, and in that free will stuff is buried misery and abuse. Evil does not come from God, it comes from man’s heart (or lack thereof).
God does love us. But I have concluded religion surely does not.
HopingToHeal my heart goes out to you. Most people won’t know about psychopathy until they have been burned by it. I cannot speak for others, but I don’t think I would have understood the literature so well had I not of had the psychopath experience to relate to. We have all had the “ah ha” moment I’m sure when reading about the disorder. I’m glad your faith gave you strength.
I think if we could just get the legal system to recognize what a sociopath is to begin with, this would go a long way toward prosecuting them. Perhaps then they could be sued for intentional infliction of emotional distress. A law for this already exists. But just keeping it real, I don’t the people in the justice system (many of whom are sociopaths themselves) are ever going to feel compassion for a rape by fraud case. Only those who have experienced it can really know how awful it is.
Stargazer, I was given constant attention, constant emails at work, constant texts, calls. I was bombarded with gifts. I was told how beautiful I was. I felt special for the first time in 20 years. I even thought “at last here is someone who appreciates me!” I didn’t know this was “love-bombing” as I didn’t know anything then about psychopathy. This love-bombing was constant, not just a few weeks. I believed him when he said he had to spend 2 weeks a month abroad “for work reasons” (he was self employed but didn’t actually even work himself as his manager did everything); I believed I was the love of his life because of the love-bombing; I believed it all. There were cracks in the mask from time to time that I chose to ignore – he would get insanely jealous of me spending time with friends; he would accuse me of fancying my male friends and them me; he would want to know where I was and what I was doing when I wasn’t with him; he used to cry like a baby (it was so unnatural with even slobbers coming out of his mouth) when I wouldn’t enter into intimacy saying “I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING!”; he wouldn’t leave my house at night and kept me up until the next morning many times arguing why I wouldn’t have sex with him and I was frightened then but didn’t listen to my intuition as I also liked to feel loved; he insisted I call him if I was out with friends and call him when I arrived home; he asked me about my finances and if I had a pension fund as well as how much my house was worth and how much I earned (all early on); he said he wanted to marry me and be a house-husband; he wouldn’t take my calls at night when abroad and started to put his phone off the hook in his hotel room – I could go on and on with examples. The point is because I didn’t know anything about psychopathy then I wasn’t able to spot the red flags even though I took my time with him. But worse I knew things didn’t add up but ignored my gut feeling. Education on this disorder should be, I believe, given to kids in school.
Bally, was there ever a point where the love bombing felt uncomfortable or smothering? The one I dated started with the love bombing, and it actually repulsed me a little in the beginning. That was my gut feeling. So what did I do with that information my body was giving me? I rationalized. I told myself that I’ve been rejected by a lot of guys, so maybe this is what true love feels like. That was my first betrayal of my own intuition.
I did the same thing. I did not trust my instincts, even to the rationalization of maybe this is what real love feels like.