Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a just released book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud.
By Joyce M. Short
A new case in New Jersey will soon test that concept.
Enforcers will determine whether rape law protects a person’s right to self determination over their personal sexual intimacy. They could decide that choice simply does not matter at all, or they could protect the victim’s entitlement to choice based on the same rights granted in every other human interaction.
Way back when Rome ruled the world, rape was established as a crime only when a woman who was a virgin, and not a slave, was victimized. “Harm” was allocated to the owner of her virginity, the head of her household, and our laws have not progressed much from there.
Imposter rape
Today, some states have laws to protect married women from being hoodwinked into sexual intercourse with a man who pretends to be her husband, but those same states fail to apply the same principal to an unmarried woman if a man pretends to be her boyfriend. Impostor rape, also known as rape by fraud, where biographical information is fraudulent, is the same in both situations. But it is treated as a crime against a married woman only because her husband is cheated of his wife’s purity.
The egregious concept behind this misguided mindset is that defrauding a married woman commits adultery against her husband and is, therefore, a criminal offense. Rape law fails to recognize that the woman’s marital status, and who the offender pretended to be are irrelevant. That they pretended to be a person they were not robbed the victim of the “knowing consent” they were entitled to in deciding who to engage in sex with.
The real harm in rape
Most states have yet to recognize or embrace the real harm in rape — the violation of one’s most intimate core, the breach of self determination regarding one’s own personal sexuality. Our laws struggle with concepts that dance around what rape really is. Instead, they focus on what penetrates, where it penetrates, how it penetrates and who it penetrates. They hark back to the origins of the laws with little concern to the real victim of the crime. They lack the simple concept that any sexual penetration without “knowing consent,” is rape.
Criminal code for invading a person’s integrity abound in every other aspect of human interaction. One can be punished for achieving personal gain through assault, coercion, fraud, deceit, theft, robbery, or any means that breaches the “covenant of good faith” or “knowing consent” between two parties. If a person lied about biographical information to consummate a business transaction, criminal code exists to recognize and penalize such wrongdoing as fraud. But to lie about biographical information to defraud a victim of sex is blithely treated as the “puffery” of seduction, as if property has more value to a person than their basic and most intimate sexual autonomy.
Punishable offenses
Rape never goes away. The victim carries a sense of defilement in their psyche for a lifetime. People who are raped are thirteen times more apt to commit suicide than people who are not. It’s time to speak out and let our lawmakers know that all types of rape — by assault, by treachery, date rape, statutory rape, rape by mental incapacity whether permanent or temporary, rape by fraud or deceit, and rape by coercion, should all be punishable offenses throughout a moral society.
We will soon know whether the laws in New Jersey protect a woman’s right to choose who they have sex with or not. Stay tuned for the results.
Stargazer, great question as It made me reflect on the love-bombing. A few points…I remember the day after I met him he delivered many expensive gifts to my work that I refused to accept. I told him it wasn’t appropriate. He said the cost was nothing to him and it would be too embarrassing for him to return them to the shop. These expensive gifts continued and I told him it made me feel uncomfortable. It made me feel like I was being manipulated to have to something that I didn’t want to do – like I now owed him something. The more presents he gave me the more I felt he was looking for something in return. It had got out of control and I felt overwhelmed at the feeling of “payback time”. At the same time part of me enjoyed feeling special, I know that sounds weird, I just didn’t like the feeling of what he expected off me in return. This was obviously sex and then to become a kept man in my home. Also he always used to say “I know you would do the same for me because you are the kindest, dearest girl I’ve ever met”.
Another example of feeling uncomfortable was receiving unpleasant texts from him if I didn’t respond to his immediately. He didn’t understand when I explained I was concentrating when at work and didn’t deal with social stuff then.
Also he used to invade my personal space. He would march over at full speed to me with his words of love so close he actually would stand on my feet. I told him many times I felt uncomfortable with it and to leave distance but it made no difference. I felt like I was being devoured, in a way. Friends observed it on a social outing and one told him (in private) it looked like I was being smothered.
I used to feel nervous in his presence because he was so full on…I put this down to not fancying him.
His actions were also very fast, like quick reactions, nothing was relaxed, sort of a nervous energy. It made me feel I had to be alert.
Stargazer, thank you so much for asking that question. I remember feeling that way at the time but now that I’m psychopath-free I didn’t reflect on those feelings again. That was my survival instinct/gut warning me. It made me realise that like you, I rationalised how I was feeling and tried to dismiss fear even though the feelings of fear continued.
Bally, the first day I met mine in person, he also invaded my space. We were not dating then. We had just met. But he got right into my space to smell my scent (I wear Victoria Secret lotion) and touch me. It was actually very creepy. I remember telling a friend that. After I ended it with him (actually he discarded me but didn’t take responsibility for the break-up (!)), he went to an expo where he knew I’d be. Though I completely ignored him, he also walked right up behind me and smelled my hair. I didn’t see it, but my friend told me.
Anyway, the first part of your story with all the expensive gifts reminds me of the first chapter of 50 Shades of Grey. Did you ever read that? If it wasn’t fiction with a fairy tale ending, you would swear this guy is a sociopath. Of course, he turns out to be a good guy in spite of all his stalking and controlling of her and deviant sexual behaviors. Sure. That happens in real life. (not)
Stargazer, I heard of that book some time back as it was the “in” book to read. I never read it as I don’t tend to read fictional books, sounds like I’m really boring as I always spend free time reading books to do with my work. Wonder if it was based on some of the author’s own real experiences of a psychopath if the book reflects how predators operate? I assumed that my love-bombing was the same as everyone else’s more or less – perhaps not? It was really over the top and I actually believed I was special. When I wouldn’t have sex him he once said “maybe you are out of my league”. Was that because he really thought that or another manipulation to get me to do what he wanted by feeling sorry for him? He was very manipulative and used to talk non-stop. If I called him he would immediately rattle off non-stop talking and not even hear or be interested in why I was calling. If I tried to talk in between his breaths he would carry on talking over me. Sometimes I used to just hang up in frustration or sometimes I would place the phone down and go to the loo and when I came back he was still talking – he never even noticed I wasn’t there.
Sounds like you had your space invaded too. I used to think it was because he fancied me so much and needed to be close. I used to shake and freeze at the beginning then I started to turn it onto a joke to help me cope – I used to dodge him and laugh when he “marched over” to me. I’ve also just remembered a time when we were outside a restaurant and he was almost on top of me and I was so uncomfortable….a stranger came over and asked me if I was ok and the psychopath went nuts with the man. The kind stranger wouldn’t leave until I thanked him and said I was OK.
Bally, I think they all have an inappropriate sense of boundaries because they don’t respect boundaries. There are no boundaries, as far as they are concerned. They just do whatever they want, take whatever they want, and manipulate to get what they want if it is not given freely.
As for the book….the main character, Christian Grey, is not supposed to by a predator. He turns out to be a good guy with some issues, but she is able to break through to him. However, if any of us were reading that book, his behaviors would scream “psychopath” from the start. That’s why it’s fiction. You can give a fictional story any ending you want. Wouldn’t it have been nice if we could have fixed the issues with the disordered men we dated? In real life, it usually goes the other way. We don’t fix them; they break us (or try).
Stargazer, I’m not going to fix the unfixable or even fixable again. They can see a therapist for that! The first signs of a disorder and you won’t see my heels for dust! If they seem perfect then we should try and prove ourselves wrong! Wonder if there are any articles on female psychopaths in terms of their behaviour as a “friend” rather than in a romantic relationship. That is another predator we girls need to learn about. Maybe they don’t really have friends….the psychopath didn’t seem to have any friends except one person he mentioned. I know a female who set my warning bells off and I want to get some reading material. Do you know of anything?
I despise the concept of a “hate crime”, it is so vague and undefinable in most instances. But can think of no worse “hate crime” than rape. And yet rape is not considered a hate crime. Hate works in all directions and rape is the most obvious hate crime of them all. Rape has nothing to do with sexual gratification and everything to do with violating a person, demeaning and hate.
I do believe that rape is a crime of choice for psychopaths but not all rapists are psychopaths…just greedy power hungry, selfish deviants who deserve life without parole. Pedophiles deserve the death penalty. What is wrong with a so called civilized country that does not protect its women and children?
Women need to have concealed carry permits because no one is out there to protect us. Rapists, murderers and child molesters are consistently released from prison and they consistently repeat their crimes. It is a revolving door with no end.
Unfortunately, society’s concept of rape is part of the problem. And our criminal justice system is antiquated.
Rape is about dominance, and rape by fraud is one of the most insidious forms of dominance. The entire time the victim is sharing sexual intimacy with the offender, the offender is getting off on how successfully their deception worked.
When a person knowingly lies and misleads in order to seduce, they are not being intimate, just the opposite. They are a rapist. And it’s time we all spoke out and changed society’s concepts about morality in romance.
Joyce
Kudos!
How can we help?
Stargazer-
If enough people were sufficiently outraged about this issue, it would bring about change. Unfortunately, many are simply unaware. That’s what my book, Donna’s book, and the works of others are trying to cure.
Change goes through stages, until it reaches acceptance. Once it does, there’s a feeling of, “of course,” “how could we ever have seen it differently?” But a painful discussion that includes nay-saying, ridicule, and even anger, may need to take place in order to get there.
Statistics from the mental health community show that psychopaths are a small percentage of society. I haven’t lost faith that moral reasoning will prevail and an ideological change is about to take place.
It only takes a spark to light a fire.
Joyce
I too, live in NJ and am a victim of rape by defraud. Is there a petition I can sign or a letter I can write? I want to help get this law passed.
Infinity,
Please contact me directly at jm_short@ymail.com
Anyone else who has been victimized by rape by fraud should do so as well. If you live in NJ, please indicate so in the subject line of your correspondence.
Joyce
Joyce, thanks for your response. When I was duped and found out he blamed it on me for taking so long to have intimacy even though he had been having secret “relationships” with other women the whole time. At first I was in terrible shock. For a split second he denied it (even though the evidence was in black and white) then played the severity down. He wasn’t even sorry, let alone embarrassed and behaved all smug and couldn’t care less. It was like the game with me was over and he moved on in an instant even though he had been declaring I was the love of his life an hour before I found out. I felt tricked, conned, deceived, humiliated, violated, duped, stupid…..and really hurt. It was then I also felt terrified for my sexual health and started to think I would never have got involved with him had I of known the truth about him and what he had done behind my back. Yes I felt raped by deceit – it was the most eerie feeling as I had it done to me without realising at the time. Like I had been constantly fed date rape pills. His date rape pills were his lies, his deceit, his conning, his manipulation, his love-bombing. He fed me lies from the first day I met him to the last day of contact.
I expect you are in the USA…how do we get this to other countries? Can I help?
Hi Bally-
I know that pain! Betrayal is a form of abandonment, and the sense of defilement that pervades when a sexual relationship is involved is extremely difficult to get past. My heart goes out to you.
You’ve raised an interesting point that I’d like to address. Fraud takes many forms. There are lies of intent, and there are biographical lies, as well as others.
Many folks think that lies of intent don’t constitute a fraud, they’re just “puffery”, but if a lie of intent is told specifically to manipulate a victim, and the offender had no interest in following up on the intent when they spoke the lie, they truly committed a fraud. Unfortunately, lies of intent are particularly difficult to prove. And the courts will side on “intent” being discernible only in the mind of the offender and will be unlikely to convict. That does not mean that fraud by intent did not happen, or that you were any the less raped by it. Justice is about proof, however, not about truth.
Lies of biographical information, however, are lies in which the offender is an “impostor.” Their actual persona is different than the characteristics they presented. The victim grants consent to one person, while the offender is truly another. Those cases are more straight forward.
I am in the US. I’m in NYC. By championing this battle in the US, I believe it will spread to other places. Interestingly, as indicated in my book, a man was convicted of rape by fraud in Israel not too long ago. And I believe we’ll see similar sentiment coming from the UK on this subject.
The offender in the New Jersey case, in which an arrest was made yesterday, had lived in, and was convicted of bigamy and pedophilia, in the UK.
Joyce