Editor’s note: Be sure to read both articles that Ox Drover links to.
By Ox Drover
I ran across two articles in NY Times that sort of got me to thinking about how it sometimes does pay off to act like a psychopath—in business or other ways.
The following (quite long) article tells how an Internet seller terrorized his customer. I think that many people who have been the victims of psychopathic-like stalking can relate to this woman’s story. The fact that it was over such a relatively small amount of money is amazing to me, though. The lengths to which this stalker pursued his victim are also amazing to me.
Read A bully finds a pulpit on the web on NewYorkTimes.com.
This follow up article tells how, eventually, through the persistence of the victim in pursuing justice for the bullying psychopathic-like stalking she got from the abuser, it turned out that the man didn’t get away with his campaign, and now local, state and federal authorities are getting on the band wagon to go after this guy.
Read U.S. arrests online seller who scared customers on NewYorkTimes.com.
The guy even got denied bail. Yea for that judge “getting it.” It will be interesting to me to see how this plays out and just how much real jail/prison time this guy actually gets. While I can’t diagnose someone out of the newspaper, I really do feel that this man fits the criteria for many of the traits of a psychopath and he definitely is a stalker.
Quest,
I have had some insight into spath thinking. I could get my husband to disclose by asking in a matter of fact casual voice, and no eye contact. For instance, when rounding up cows and I was riding behind him on the quad, I asked him why he had to know where I was moving to and he answered in a small quiet voice that sounded like he didn’t realize he was voicing his thoughts, “In case it doesn’t work out”. I realized then that he had a new woman but expected I would come back if he wanted.
Also, I now live in a new city and amazing but two spaths kinda honed in on me. Both were patients in pain clinics. Don’t know the drug they take, but it’s like truth serum and amnesia. The one told me they check out the gullibility of all new people in the neighborhood, and he said I was highly suggestible.
But I have strong boundaries. What he found was that I was open and interested but I cut things off at a very low level of being used. I paid for lunch out, after being manipulated into it but they could never get me to go to lunch again. And I wouldn’t go anywhere I had to pay for anything. I have since gone nc with both, bc/ I am not available for exploitation no matter how lonely I am.
Just saying, they do reveal horrible things as long as I didn’t let on my revulsion, b/c to them the horrible things were logical and no big deal.
Once an spath enters the full on hate/anger phase, it’s mostly too late to get them to reveal thoughts on HOW they manipulate; from then on what they are open about is their entitlement to damage and destroy.
Dear Quest,
If you will listen carefully they WILL sometimes out themselves in a sort of back-handed truth. One might tell you what horrible things he would like to do to “Joe” because he is mad at “Joe.” What he is saying is “I WILL DO THESE BAD THINGS TO ANYONE I AM ANGRY AT” so you can bet when he gets angry at YOU he will do those things to you.
If you observe them being rude or hateful to others you can bet your bottom dollar they will do that to you as well, sooner or later.
They will only cooperate with others if they think it is to their advantage, but then they will back stab those very people later. You can’t trust a psychopath.
well played katydid, and very well said. i am going to ponder these for awhile.
‘I could get my husband to disclose by asking in a matter of fact casual voice, and no eye contact.’
‘Once an spath enters the full on hate/anger phase, it’s mostly too late to get them to reveal thoughts, From then on, what they are open about is their entitlement to damage and destroy. ‘
Yeah, Oxy, that’s it. Backhanded indirect disclosure, sometimes requiring insight to decipher. But ya have to have experience to know to look for spaths. It doesn’t occur to an Average joe that they need to pay attention to what such a comment really means.
I think it’s too hard to educate people about spaths. I think it’s simpler to advise “anything bad that others will do to someone, be assureed they’ll have no guilt when doing it to YOU”.
I used to tell women my husband cheated with, the ones who thought I deserved what he did, I’d say “if he’ll do it to me, he’ll do it to you”. Can you believe some of those woman TRIED to turn to me the WIFE for comfort when my words came true??!!
I can’t find the link, it is something about “romeo bleeding” but can’t remember the exact link, but basically it says “so you think YOU are special?” Well, we are NOT special, if s/he treated her/him like crap they will treat us that way sooner or later.
I have a dear friend who is a smart professional lady and she invariably gets attracted to married men in her profession and gets hurt and can’t understand why she keeps getting hurt. She is NOT dumb, but she keeps thinking that this one is different, this one means what he says, this one cheated on his wife in the past, and is cheating on her NOW with my friend, but he will never cheat on her (my friend).
Part of it is cultural with my friend, she was raised to be dominated by males, and also she is ULTRA polite and what others think is ALL important to her. It is a grave sin to “hurt someone’s feelings” so I can give her that, but she is not learning from her mistakes with these men.
I realize it is difficult for her to find a man who is of her intellectual and financial and professional level to have anything in common with, they do not grow on trees, but she isn’t going to find one by being willing to date a guy she knows is married either no matter HOW BAD HE TELLS HER HIS MARRIAGE IS or how “special” she is to him. I’m sure he told his wife how special she was at once, but she isn’t very special now because he cheats on her. I dated (after my husband died) a man who had been tossed out by his wife of 32 years when she finally caught him cheating, and he was loosing for another “respectable wife” that he could have a “home” but he didn’t want to give up his HAREM of girlfriends and he needed a wife to say “Oh, no darling, you are special, but I couldn’t leave wifey and break up our home.” DUH!
So while I love my friend I am honest with her, and the latest guy she was having this affair with has finally left his wife, so I am not sure what will happen with their relationship now. She says she knows he is a liar and a cheat, but I know she is still attracted to him. She deserves BETTER I think, but she’s an adult and can make her own choices. We all ultimately make our own choices and have the consequences.
Oxy,
You are right, it’s Romeo’s Bleeding, When Mr Right Turns out to Be Mr Wrong. I have to google the title b/c it’s on a obgyn website.
Regarding your friend, another thing I tell people who lust after a married man, “Yes, YOU’RE different. But HE’S NOT.” and “IF you can’t respect their marriage (and let them work out their issues without your interference), don’t expect anyone to respect yours.”
I have been discarded by my spath. Mostly I don’t exist for him, he’s “moved on”. In a weak moment, I actually caught myself putting myself down badly, that “I was so bad that not even an spath user wanted me”.
It’s the day AFTER Christmas and I’ll be damned. He’s so textbook (I keep circle thinking maybe I’m trying to pigeon hole him as a spath b/c I can’t accept that I wasn’t good enough for him and he’d moved on.)
BUT, there’s his email for me, the woman he doesn’t want, clearly wondering why I haven’t contacted him this Christmas, putting words in my mouth, and FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF for what he didn’t get from me…. yet he’s LIVING WITH THE LAST WOMAN HE CHEATED ON ME WITH and going to lots of wonderful holiday celebrations. (Other than thinking a married man is a worthy boyfriend, she is a terrific woman with a great salt of the earth family and solid roots, successful and has great smart impressive kids.)
Considering how wonderful his life is, why even think of me at all?!! TEXTBOOK. Slimy Pond Scum Skunk. He Can’t bear thinking that the woman he drove away isn’t showing how miserable she is without him?
Well, I am NOT miserable. I do sometimes miss what turned out to be IMAGE/ETHER b/c at one time I built my entire life on what I believed about him. But I don’t miss that he was the lie, from beginning to ETERNITY.
But after years of misery, I had a magical wonderful loving Christmas. Hope you all did too, and if not, hope you KNOW it’s coming! HAPPINESS is what YOU can expect after NC with an spath.
Katy, Good for you!!! Glad that you had a good SPATH FREE CHRISTMAS because he can never have one, he’s always there! LOL
Katy would you mind posting that link? Thanks.