Wow, last week’s course with Dr Robert Hare was absolutely amazing! A huge eye-opener on how offending psychopaths are measured and dealt with in the criminal justice system — and also an insight in to the astonishing man who has given so much to so many of us. I’m planning to cover more about that in future posts…
This week I’d like to talk about another subject that came up last week. It was also spelled out loud and clear in the Fishead movie that I know many of you have seen. It’s the point that, even though it’s widely acknowledged that a psychopath cannot ”˜get better’ (and therefore it stands to reason that we cannot change the way they behave) it’s also true that the vast majority of the population are inadvertently supporting these types of people as they continue inflicting damage on individuals and on society itself.
I know”¦ that was a pretty strong statement to make. Believe me, it’s not one I make lightly.
The movie, Fishead, made a point that I found absolutely fascinating. Talking about famous psychopathic leaders, it invited us, the audience, to consider whether it is solely the psychopath who is responsible for the bad things that happen. Couldn’t it also be argued that it is the rest of us who are also in part responsible, because we are allowing the destructive behaviour to continue? Albert Einstein said, “The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.”
Stand Up, Speak Out
I had to agree — it made perfect sense to me. In particular, I could identify with this from my years of experience working with teams and individuals in my professional career. Too often people will choose to keep their heads down, say nothing or let things wash over them in order to keep the peace. They’ll smile and say that everything is ”˜fine’”¦ Despite the fact that they may be desperately unhappy with a situation or a person they work with! Everything is far from fine. And no, it’s neither OK nor right that people should be expected (even encouraged!) to carry on regardless. This isn’t what the human race is about! This isn’t how we’ve made so much progress! This isn’t how it’s meant to be! My job, in those instances, is to encourage people to speak out and find a way to openly and honestly address issues in a healthy way that benefits them as an individual as well as the wider team. And it works. Every time.
It was the next part, though, that really made me sit up and take notice. Because just a few moments later, the film explained what percentage of the remaining population would need to do something different in order to have an effect on the rest. Before the answer was given, I had a stab at guessing what the figure would be, and felt confident that they would say around 20 — 30%. But you know what? I was totally wrong. The film said that it would take just 5% of the population to wake up and make a stand against the unacceptable — even just the small things — to make sociopathic behaviours that much harder to stick. Just 5% of us”¦ that’s all. Just that small amount to stand up to actions we know are wrong. To say “no” when we’re not happy. To demand a change when something goes against our values. Because when one of us starts standing up for what is right, then it encourages others to do the same. It wakes people up. It gives people permission to speak out and stop tolerating stuff that is harmful or hurtful to ourselves and to others.
“Having good morals” somebody said in the film “is contagious — just as much if not more so than bad morals!”
The thing is, though, while we block our instincts, shut down our emotions, and glide around in a pretend bubble of “everything’s fine” we are providing the perfect breeding ground for predators. They’re free to fine-tune their approach, hone their skills, and continue with their actions against humankind because we do nothing to stop them or at least ”˜call them’ on what they are doing.
Behaviour Breeds Behaviour
Yes, this is a scary world. It is also a world of opportunities and magic. A world where we can make more of a difference than most of us realize. And, in my opinion, the more people who become aware of how little is necessary to make a massive difference, more will join our growing army of fighters determined to do something to stop the predators, warn others against them and help those of us who have already been hurt by them.
It doesn’t take much you know. It really doesn’t. From my own experience, I know that as I have become stronger at simple things like setting boundaries and saying no, then my perspective of the world and, therefore, my experience of the world continues to change for the better. I feel more confident, and more in control. My heart is more open and I can clearly see with love and kindness. Each day I am more joyful, and each day brings more wonderful surprises. Did anything change on the outside? Does it mean that I have managed to rid the world of people who would do me harm? No, it doesn’t. It simply means that what I am now allowing in to my world is a deliberate and conscious choice — and I no longer stand for any kind of nonsense.
Can you imagine what would happen if more of us took the conscious decision to say no to anything that wasn’t useful or pleasing in our life? Can you imagine how inspiring it would be to others? Can you imagine how wonderful things could eventually become — and how impossible it would be for sociopaths to thrive as they have been”¦?
My friend Rachel pointed out when I was telling her all about last week’s course “Well, we can’t keep all the psychos locked up — so we’ve got to learn how to fight against them!”
So I did some simple sums in my head. Granted we don’t know for sure, but let’s say that 1% of the free population is psychopathic. We all do know for sure that these people will all have many victims — most running in to double figures when you take in to account that they may have hurt colleagues as well as friends and family, let alone the mega-sociopath who may have hatched a scheme that defrauds hundreds or thousands! So, for argument’s sake let’s say that if each has ten victims, then at least 10% of the population has had personal experience of a psychopath — regardless of whether or not they recognize what they were dealing with. That doesn’t necessarily matter. What matters is the fact that they have been hurt. That in some way (or many ways) they have experienced the destruction that these individuals continue to wreak on us, their unsuspecting victims. The original nice guys who naturally choose trust over suspicion.
It Only Takes 5%
So, what do you think might happen if just half of those people could learn how to re-set boundaries? How to speak out? How to stand up? How to reclaim who they are? How to consciously choose a life that’s filled with happiness and positive experiences”¦ ? We’d have the 5% that the film talked about and, as I’ve already said, it’s just as simple to copy the happy stuff — if not easier in fact! The good stuff, the positive results, can be hugely contagious. What chance would the baddies have in such a positive environment where people would no longer stand for negative behaviour? Of course I can’t prove it”¦ but I’m pretty sure that they couldn’t survive.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again because I feel it’s important. It’s up to all of us now. We all have the power to heal and to make a difference – no matter how impossible it may seem at times. Yes, I know from experience that it isn’t easy. I also know that we are all at different stages of our journey and I also acknowledge that not everyone will be interested in reaching out any further. It doesn’t matter. Because either way, all of us here have first hand experience of “the dark side” — we know what it means and we understand the dangers. And our numbers are growing.
I believe that we are the ones who can band together and make a real difference. From where I am standing, it is our painful experiences that make us authentic, giving us the hard-earned power to understand and empathise at the deepest level. We’ve been there, seen it and got the T-shirt, and perhaps have more reason than others to make sure that we find a way to stop these people continuing to hurt us and others.
What do you reckon”¦? 😉
I rekon I’m in!!
Thank you for your insights Mel! Thank you for your dedication to helping others to understand and heal and be less of a potential target for sociopaths. What can I do to help?
This brings to mind the poem “The Hangman” by Maurice Ogden. http://homepage.mac.com/steveklein/hangman.html The poem is usually cited as an indictment of those who stand idly by while others commit grave evil or injustice, such as The Holocaust. I am not sure what to do with what I now know, but I do know everything changed because of my experience with a sociopath and I would love to help empower people to be less prone to the pain and suffering that we here on Lovefraud have experienced.
Mahatma Gandhi: “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
http://youtu.be/Sjjoo8boiK4
Another observation IMHO, Mel I have read many of your articles now and I have read posts on your blog. I just want to tell you I am moved and inspired by your story. I see it in others here on Lovefraud also. As I read your blog I was moved by the love you had for your husband. I can relate, as I am sure many here can. I can also relate to the excruciating pain of the reality that it was all a lie and that your husband never cared about you at all… In your writing you don’t even minimize the deep feelings of love that you had for him and the little things that you missed about him. So pure and sweet, you loved him, you cherished him! I can relate to that also, and how it makes the sting of the truth cut even more deeply.
One of things I wrestle with is, how can someone publically share their story in a completely transparent way without providing more n/fuel for the ego of the spath? Should that matter? If our main purpose is to help other people overcome and heal from a relationship with a psychopath how can we, that do feel, and do love, and do bond, not be completely transparent about the depth of the pain of betrayal and abuse?
I think the especially profound part in your story is how you have been transformed, you are not only a survivor, but an over-comer! I think it is a beautiful thing when a person can heal from all of this pain and betrayal to the point that they are not bitter and/or angry any more. I think that is the ultimate goal here, because only then are we truly free of the tentacles of the spath on our hearts and minds. Mel, that is what I see in your story! You are authentic and transparent and very courageous and I hope to be there also someday soon!
I agree. People need to join together and be active about identifying sociopaths and sociopathic behavior, making others aware, and working pre-emptively to protect innocent people.
Yes, I agree that we have to band together against the spaths, but we have to do it WITHOUT EMOTIONS.
Any emotions will feed them. They don’t react to punishment the way we would. They look for whatever we value and use it against us.
The best way to defeat a spath is to NOT PARTICIPATE in anything that gives them power, money, drama or attention.
The phrase, “turn your back on them” is the most apt to describe what we need to do. Silently, and without drama, turn your backs on the spaths. Treat them as though they don’t exist.
Sky,
Standing up to point out a certain act or behaviour or excuse is wrong or does not cut it can be done without being emotional. Let’s say I see 3 teen girls slap a can of soda from a window to the street and then kick it in front of them for a while. I think that’s wrong, but I’m not emotional. So, when I then say in passing that if they have the energy to kick a can of soda along on the street, they also have the energy to pick it up and throw it in the dustbin at the next corner. If I’m in a Cuban restaurant with my group and I hear them tell us they have ‘sea turtle’ on the menu, I have both the position and morals to point out without any drama that sea turtles are endangered species and that eating it or trying it would only encourage the Cubans to catch and cook them for tourists illegally. There might be some dufus (who also thinks that sex tourism is a sign of libertine culture of which I understand nothing) who then claims that ‘they raise turtles in turtle farms’. And I may have to answer ‘that’s crocodiles… but sea turtles take decades to be big enough the size she signaled’, but I can guarantee there will be no one ordering turtle… and I had 2 tourists in that group who had strange weird morals, narcistic and not very empathic.
Progress is slow, to a point, in most giant endeavors. I think getting the word out about these master buttheads is a pretty giant project.
Seems like most big learnings eventually, as awareness gains momentum, make a leap, where the knowledge becomes part of the greater culture and behaviors. Who knows where we are in that process. I do know I hear narcissisism and psychopathy referenced a lot more in the news and in writing and on TV.
I also hear Sky loud and clear. The other approach to stopping these offenders is to quit feeding them their favorite drug: Our emotional responses. They use our emotional reactions like recreational drugs.
Why do we watch them on reality TV, buy their products, and worship them as better than us? Our society, while becoming aware of these types, at the same time worships them. And we fear them.
They live for our personal drama, both good and bad. They feed off of our authentic emotional responses to affection, sex, compliments, love, and abuse.
I think they get high off our emotions. For any of us here who have taken either legal or illicit drugs we have experienced the mind altering effects. How they release us from inhibition and numb us to reality.
I think this is what is could be like for personality disordered people. They get high when someone has a strong reaction to them. They get giddy and excited and feel powerful. They become more audacious and bold, and take greater risks when they have our undivided attention, and our reactions.
But they are NOT able to achieve the deep and lasting effects from interacting with free/authentic people. They are not able to be awakened by experience, and changed. Everything is a simple and superficial ‘rush’. They keep moving, like sharks, keep moving and preying on the next experience. I don’t even think they see us a people. They see us as a source of their high.
I think the guy who wrote the Five Agreements said something to the effect of ‘don’t take anything personal’. The spaths are good, albeit wretched and despised, teachers of this ‘golden rule’. In order not to give them our emotions we have to depersonalize their behavior toward us. We have to know that they are not treating ‘us’ a certain way. They are projecting all their own hatred and confusion into the world, and in fact it has NOTHING to do with us as individuals.
It is 100% about them.
Let’s call ’em, and starve ’em out.
There is a problem we victims have as far as standing up to the psychopaths/narcissists/bullies. We have no experience.
Most of our experience is centered around believing P/S/N lies, and doubting ourselves or cowering. We need to have “in person – classes” and practice (in a safe environment), talking back, standing up for ourselves, calling them on their inappropriate and/or unconscionable behavior. For most of us victims it has been “on the job” training . . . N/P/S have practiced all their all their lives how to lie, manipulate and dominate us. We must PRACTICE “Talking back and taking our power back” etc. I think there should be COURSES FOR VICTIMS where you role play responses to put-downs, gas-lighting, lies etc. So that when the time comes . . . we feel comfortable doing it, and it’s not the first time we’ve done it.
Slimone,
The hunger strike is ON!! They get no emotion or reactions from me. *yawn*
Slimone,
You said it, call ’em out and starve ’em out!
We are allowed to laugh at them though.
Laughter is one of the best emotions for diffusing drama. That’s why the opposite of tragedy is comedy. And you can watch a movie with accidents and bloopers but still laugh if the director spins it correctly.
That’s why my spath hated it when I laughed. His drama dissipated when I wouldn’t take it seriously. The other thing to do is *yawn*, as Ana stated. I used to say, “whatever.” and it would infuriate the spath. “DON’T WHATEVER ME!” He would stomp. hahahah, whatever.
They want desperately to be important. Don’t give them that. They are not important, they are infants.
Skylar,
I’m going to practice yawing and laughing! Now the kids today make it even worse by saying: whatevs…lol that might infuriate him/her even further!
How can you “laugh” at Sandusky or turn your back on him? There are some things that we MUST NOTICE, we must STAND UP and fight. Pretending you don’t notice child molestation, or don’t notice that the psychopath like Madoff has ruined millions of lives financially folks.
The recent “drama rama” that has come my way is something I IGNORE, and it infuriated the person trying to get me to respond, but there is no REAL INJURY that this person can do to me, they can talk badly about me, spread lies, etc. and IT DOES NOT MATTER TO ME…let her rant! I could care less, she is not important, but IF SHE WAS HARMING CHILDREN I would have to step up and TAKE NOTICE…or if she was scamming, I’d have to give her attention.
There is a big difference between a garden variety creep high ini P traits and narcissistic and the psychopaths like my son Patrick. I have to notice him and fight him as best I can. Even with the egg donor, I do my best to “starve” her emotionally and keep the drama rama at a minimum, but I have to fight it the best I can, if I ignore it totally It will cost me my very life.
The parents of children that have psychopathic parents, have to fight for every inch to protect their children. Look at MiLo, her P daughter does want attention and files suits and carp about “visitation” just to ring MiLo’s chimes not because she really wants to see her child, but MiLo can NOT “ignore” this or turn her back on the P daughter because when they directly seriously ATTACK you, you must defend yourself even at the expense of “feeding” them drama.
The wife of that coach who was doing the ball boys, I think his name was “Fine” (how’s that for an oxymoron!) SHE KNEW what he was doing, and actually she had sex with one of his former victims after the kid turned 18 (HOW SICK IS THAT?) She was taped on a phone conversation with that kid saying she KNEW and she DID NOTHING….except feel sorry for herself that he liked young boys better than her! THAT WOMAN is a co-defendant as far as I am concerned, and so are those creeps at Penn State, they knew and did nothing, even the assistant coach that did report to Paterno, he let it drop there. Talk about NO MORAL BACK BONE!
Pox on the ENABLERS.