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Making the sociopath accountable: How far do you go?

A Lovefraud reader using the name Dawn H posted the following comment quite awhile ago. At the end of her story, she brings up important questions.

My ex and I grew up in the same small town. We were like Barbie and Ken”¦expected to marry and live happily ever after. I watched him grow from a very nice guy into a predator and a very evil person in just a few years. After our child was born he started a new wonderful job in a bank and quickly climbed the ladder to success. I put him through law school as he became distant and harsh and wouldn’t touch me. I found out he was bragging at work about secretaries’ children being his. One of his secretaries divorced her husband to sneak around with mine in sleazy motels and the whole time he was telling her that I carried a gun in my diaper bag, etc. I met and befriended her, she started fainting at work, they both got fired, and she moved away. He begged and cried and we did major counseling for a year and I dropped the divorce proceedings thinking he was well.

Over the next two or three years he was nice and took my calls at work, came home for supper, etc, but gradually grew distant and harsh again. I found out in ’04 that he had a 10-12 yr affair with another secretary from his new position as COO of a publicly traded banking company AND a woman in every port city from here to Beijing. He had been hiding his money all this time, so that when he was caught he would not have to share. He bought all his mistresses suits, jewelry, even paid for one’s house, while I had to pay utilities, my own food, my own insurance, car payment”¦everything from my teacher salary. He kept me literally broke while he was making almost half a million per yr and telling me we had no money because he was reinvesting it all in the company. If I wanted 200 for Christmas presents, he made me postdate a check for January, and he wouldn’t let go of his check until I let go of mine.

There was no intimacy for more than 15 yrs. He lied all day every day, but the strange thing was that he turned very dark. He would leave butcher knives out on the counter facing the stairs where I came down in the morning. I found out his mistress was the one who had been phone stalking me for 7 or 8 yrs, and their phone records were like 25 or 30 calls to each other every day, even though they worked side by side. At the same time he had many other young mistresses and kept them all ignorant of each other. After he was caught and we separated, he cried and became perfect all over again for a year counseling, then got caught at a sleazy motel with someone again.

I could tell that someone was breaking into my house while I was at the gym. He brought me Ultimate Woman vitamin pills with the seal broken and some missing! I found an empty Viagra box in his vanity drawer. This guy has 150 IQ. Someone was hacking into my bank records online, and I left tape recorders at the house to see what was going on there while I was out. On the phone from the house to women, he sounded like a dirty old man, talking naughty and naked and nasty. I wouldn’t have believed it was him. One day he would cry and hug the stuffing out of me apologizing, and the next day he was rude and hateful and couldn’t remember he had apologized. I knew my life was in danger and I had to change the locks etc. I had to tape record every conversation during separation and divorce proceedings, because he lied so much to attorneys, etc, that you couldn’t prove anything without recordings.

He had NO concern for our son’s feelings in any of this. The mistresses’ children grew up with him sneaking in through the fence to sleep with mommy, and the first one’s kids were calling him Daddy too. He found out this mistress aborted his child, and he doesn’t care. He told me one time during the proceedings “the girlfriend knows I do what I want and I get what I want, and she’s fine with that.” Children’s feelings are unimportant, but he is wining and dining our son now, like we’re in a contest ”¦ climbing the pyramids in Egypt ”¦ took him to the Great Wall of China ”¦ fly fishing in the Grand Canyon, etc. Bought a barge and stocks it with bongs and booze for my son’s friends, etc. No regard for the kids ”¦ it’s all about him and winning.

My interest in cases like this is, where do you draw the line? When do you bring in the attorneys and police and IRS? What about the children? If he’s been hiding money for years in other countries, are you just supposed to forget and forgive and move on? I’ve had the hardest time with that. God is so good to me, but when I start to recall all the craziness, I get shaky and lose sleep and I just can’t really go there anymore. I want to protect others from this victimization and I don’t want to be vindictive, but then again, I don’t want him hurting other young women. I would not doubt that he might be one of these trafficking guys. Did you know most of the WORLD’S trafficking is financed by middle-aged American businessmen? We need to wake up and do something quickly. This American businessman/ sociopath/ narcissist/ predator thing is getting out of hand.

Dawn H’s story is terrible. Most people would say the story is shocking, but that’s because most people are ignorant about sociopaths. All of us here at Lovefraud know that stories like Dawn’s are much more common than the uninitiated realize.

The man Dawn H described is clearly hurting many people—Dawn, her son, the bevy of mistresses, the mistresses’ kids, even American taxpayers, since the guy is hiding his money. He may even be complicit in the sordid the sex trade.

Whether our stories are as bad as Dawn’s or not, many of us ask ourselves the same questions that she asked at the end of her email: How do we respond?

We all have to find our own answers to the question. Following are the points and issues to consider. For the sake of convenience I am referring to the sociopaths as male, but they could be female as well.

Now vs. later

When we first realize what the sociopath was actually doing, that everything he told us was a lie, that we were exploited, our emotions are at a full boil. We are traumatized, disillusioned, furious, scared. We want to strike back. We want to tell the world that he is a liar. We wonder how we are going to survive. Our emotions rage back and forth between outrage and fear, worry and determination.

At this point, we need to prioritize. We need to figure out what we MUST do now, and what can wait, in fact, what MUST wait, until later.

Survival

The most important variable in deciding how to proceed is the possibility of violence. The best predictor of future violence is past violence. If the sociopath has been violent in the past—even if it wasn’t directed towards you—you must assume that he could be violent in the future, and you may be the target.

If you (and your children) are in physical danger, you need to do whatever will protect your safety. If the sociopath has committed crimes for which he is likely to be arrested and jailed, report them. But if his offenses are such that authorities are likely to regard them as a case of “he said-she said,” or he’s likely to get out on bail and come after you—well, it may be better not to poke the hornet’s nest.

Your first priority is survival. As long as you are alive, everything else can be addressed later.

Stability

Your second priority is stability. Many of us have been financially wiped out by the sociopaths. If you’re in this position, you need to take steps to insure your economic survival. If you’re married to the sociopath, and financially entangled, you need to figure out the best way to disengage that is healthiest for you in the long run.

In considering how far to go after the sociopath legally, here are questions to ask yourself:

  1. Does he have any assets? Does he have a job? Does he have documented income? If there is no money, there may be nothing to gain.
  2. Do you have proof of his money? If not, can you get it?
  3. Can you afford a legal battle? If not, perhaps you should just walk away.
  4. Can he afford a legal battle? Does he have a history of filing lawsuits? If he does, he’s likely to relish going to court, and will drag out the proceedings, costing you money.
  5. Do you have children with him? If yes, one of these two scenarios is likely: Either he will abandon his responsibilities and fail to pay child support, or he will maintain contact and use the children as pawns to torment you.

Your ultimate goal should be to get rid of the sociopath and move on with your life. Any financial or legal actions you take against him should support that goal.

Emotional recovery

An experience with a sociopath leaves us feeling like we’ve been through a meat grinder. Anger, disappointment, shame, guilt, fear, outrage, even numbness—we probably cycle through all of them.

It’s exhausting.

We need to find our peace of mind. For some of us, it may be the first time that we consciously pursue peace of mind. Many of us were filled with vulnerability and turmoil, which attracted the sociopaths in the first place.

In deciding how far to go after the sociopath, therefore, we must also consider our emotional recovery. Lovefraud’s standard advice for recovery from the sociopath is No Contact—not having any interaction at all with him. No conversations. No phone calls. No email. No in-person encounters.

Going after the sociopath may entail some kind of contact. If you go to court, you’ll have to deal with him. If you want to expose him on the Internet, you may need to monitor his Facebook page. This means, as we say on Lovefraud, you are “renting him space in your head.” Thinking about the sociopath is a form of contact.

On the other hand, going after him may be important to your emotional recovery. By doing it, you are not allowing him to walk all over you. Standing up to him may benefit your self-esteem, and allow you to recover your identity.

Only you know what you need.

Making the sociopath accountable

Personally, I think it’s important to do what you can to make the sociopath accountable for his destructive actions. BUT you may want to think carefully about WHEN and HOW you take action.

If you have evidence that the sociopath committed a crime, report him to the authorities. Maybe the crime you report isn’t prosecuted, but it could help establish his pattern of behavior if another person reports a crime.

If, like many Lovefraud readers, you don’t want the sociopath to do to someone else what he did to you, you may want to warn the next victim, or expose the sociopath. I’ve written previously on both of these topics:

Letters to Lovefraud: Should I warn the next victim?

Exposing the sociopath

Perhaps you can’t take action against the sociopath right away because you need to attend to your own safety, stability and recovery. But maybe, when you are stronger, you can do something to stop the exploitative behavior.

Sociopaths get away with their immoral, unethical and sometimes criminal behavior because people do not stand up to them. So I think that when we can do so safely, we should speak up and take action. Sociopaths will continue their destructive behavior until they are stopped.


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328 Comments on "Making the sociopath accountable: How far do you go?"

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MiLo,

My son C is VERY ADHD and also very smart….I always held him accountable for his actions in spite of the ADHD…I ended up taking him out of school in 5th grade though because of a teacher he had…I home schooled him for a while when it was ILLEGAL to do so, but it worked. Then I found a private (low cost) school for him that suited his needs. He ended up with a 2-year community college degree.

I had a client’s mom scream at me once when I worked in acommunity mental health clinic “well, what do you expect, he is ADHD?” I said “well, I expect him to NOT throw chairs at teachers!” He was suspended from school and charged with assault and battery for threatening the teacher and chunking a chair at her (almost hitting her) I would NOT call the DA and tell the DA that it was “not Junior’s fault that he couldn’t control himself.” It was no wonder Junior misbehaved as his mom used his ADHD as an excuse for everything he did. My opinion was Junior COULD control his behavior but chose not to because he knew mom would come to his defense and there would be no consequences for HIM.

There are a few kids in my estimation who are ADHD/psycopathis/Conduct disorder/etc etc that simply REFUSE to honor rules, and the only thing they respect is superior force, but that said, “99.9%” of the ADHD kids will honor rules, and even though they may “forget” and do something impulsively, do NOT BEHAVE like Darwin’s mom’s unruly, entitled narcissistic arsehole kids.

I think MiLo and I pretty much agree on how an ADHD kid should be held accountable, because they are going to live in the REAL world as adults and the DA isn’t gonna make a lot of “room” for them because they are violent. Even a lot of truly mentally ill people and retarded and/or mentally ill people are in PRISON because of their violent impulsiveness. President Reagan emptied out the mental health hospitals and filled up the prisons and the streets with these same people. Just MHO.

It does bug me that those unruly ones demand so much attention. I know them often sooner and better than the motivated ones. I don’t like that. Even if I don’t give them outward attention, they still are on my mind, instead of the others. On the other hand, when they eventually realize that I’m willing to give them a chance and can be very supportive without any grudges if they change the behaviour… and I see them grow up and graduate, I feel so honored for having witnessed that growing up process.

As for ADHD… I’ve had aspergers and ADHD in my class. When there is a DO moment, I’ll have them DO something physical in a helpful way. And if it’s really troublesome, I give them a time-out… They usually take that opportunity. As long as they remain respectful and responsible, I don’t mind.

Sometimes, I manage to get the unruly ones motivated… they LOVED the “clearing water” exercise… they were allowed to mess with water, it was a contest to get the cleanest water again… but their reports of course were awful.

That is my thought Oxy ~ ADHD may be a reason not an excuse. Teach the child to learn how to handle it, because they will be living with it. That is what is good about the Ben Glenn site I mentioned above. He uses a lot of humor for the kids to understand, but talks about how he used it to his advantage.

That is what I am concerned about with how to handle his unacceptable smart mouth. On one hand, I am letting him get away with it with his mom (actually enjoying it myself) but I must make it real plain it is NOT acceptable with other adults. Don’t know what to do with this one. I’ve possibly created this monster myself.

Milo, I’ll check out the site tomorrow evening. Studying for my own First-Aid exam I have tomorrow afternoon. The more I can aid someone to get the most out of themselves, the better.

Note: I don’t regard ADHD as unruly. And I can even understand a child being upset and angry. I was raised with the right to be upset and angry by my parents. The only thing that was important was how I communicated it: no swearing, no disrespect, but allowed to stomp off and bang the door. What is unruly for me is trying to get attention all the time, preferably in a negative manner, and when asked to change the behaviour to still keep going and not accept the responibility, lying (as in denying what they just did) and blaming others… in other words… spathy behaviour. Not that I think them spaths of course… just teens testing the possibilities to rebel like a 2-4 year old. And as long as they are unruly I think it’s mostly the teen issues. Teens that disrupt in a underhanded way… those are the ones I don’t trust, sliming in my face, but poke the others to be rebellious.

darwinsmom ~ I think you will find Ben Glenn funny. I could almost see the light bulb go off over Grand’s head as he watched it.

I know what you mean about trying to get attention all the time. No matter how much positive attention we gave the P/daughter, it was never enough and she demanded the attention with bad behavior. It had the same effect on our other children as you mention with your other students. Our other kids would be following the rules, being great kids and they always ended up on the short end because we had to take the time to correct her, talk to her about her actions, discover her lies, on and on. I still feel guilty about that fact and I have expressed that to my kids now that they are adults. I just don’t know what we could have done differently.

I look at the author’s post and is this all rich people who were duped? I don’t have 10 cents to my name, and some guy wanted my 10 cents. I feel like I can’t compare my situation to these blogs.

I am lucky that I am not living in a cardboard box.

Sorry, looks like I dropped in out of the sky. I just landed here.

I happened to notice the post about ADHD. I think these kids have lower self-esteeme. I notice my son tries to talk in long sentences. To show how smart he is. I notice he is the follower. I notice that he turns on me when his friends are over.

I was so upset with him this weekend. He turned on me after I allowed him a sleepover. I was so upset that I refused to up the Christmas tree. I’m on Strike!!!

Today he was much nicer. He asked if I needed fire wood. He loaded in about a face cord. He was just agoing and agoing. It was like watching the Sorcerers Apprentice. I just let him go.

When I got on facebook tonight I saw that my son had posted that Chuck gave him a new perspective on life.

See…my ex-boyfriend Chuck has Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer. He just found this out after he drove us to my daughter’s wedding in Florida in October.

Yeah, all my running jokes about the party’s at Chuck’s house when Chuck isn’t home. Isn’t funny anymore.

We had permission to be there. But, his house will be owned by someone else. The party stops there.

I will miss Chuck. He wasn’t a good boyfriend. He turned out to be a good friend.

I hope that he can beat the odds and live as long as possible. Chuck was the best ex-boyfriend I ever had!

I gotta point out one more thing. My extended family writes when illness falls on a family member. I can’t write this about Chuck. Cause he was not family. I was Chuck’s built-in-maid with benefits.

Chuck really showed redeeming qualities afterwards. He co-signed for some of my daughters student loans and I signed for the rest. My kids dad never signed for any.

Chuck opened his house for us to visit. It was our party place.

Chuck drove me and Junior down to Florida to my daughters wedding. Chuck arranged to stay at a motel. I stayed at my daughters house. Chuck took me out for oysters. He didn’t order anything for himself. He took me out just because I was so excited about having oysters in Florida.

But, just because it was so bad terms in our relationship, and I wasn’t married to him, and because I just don’t seem to matter to people, that I have no rights to mourn his illness. Or so that is how I feel.

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