Wow, last week’s course with Dr Robert Hare was absolutely amazing! A huge eye-opener on how offending psychopaths are measured and dealt with in the criminal justice system — and also an insight in to the astonishing man who has given so much to so many of us. I’m planning to cover more about that in future posts…
This week I’d like to talk about another subject that came up last week. It was also spelled out loud and clear in the Fishead movie that I know many of you have seen. It’s the point that, even though it’s widely acknowledged that a psychopath cannot ”˜get better’ (and therefore it stands to reason that we cannot change the way they behave) it’s also true that the vast majority of the population are inadvertently supporting these types of people as they continue inflicting damage on individuals and on society itself.
I know”¦ that was a pretty strong statement to make. Believe me, it’s not one I make lightly.
The movie, Fishead, made a point that I found absolutely fascinating. Talking about famous psychopathic leaders, it invited us, the audience, to consider whether it is solely the psychopath who is responsible for the bad things that happen. Couldn’t it also be argued that it is the rest of us who are also in part responsible, because we are allowing the destructive behaviour to continue? Albert Einstein said, “The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.”
Stand Up, Speak Out
I had to agree — it made perfect sense to me. In particular, I could identify with this from my years of experience working with teams and individuals in my professional career. Too often people will choose to keep their heads down, say nothing or let things wash over them in order to keep the peace. They’ll smile and say that everything is ”˜fine’”¦ Despite the fact that they may be desperately unhappy with a situation or a person they work with! Everything is far from fine. And no, it’s neither OK nor right that people should be expected (even encouraged!) to carry on regardless. This isn’t what the human race is about! This isn’t how we’ve made so much progress! This isn’t how it’s meant to be! My job, in those instances, is to encourage people to speak out and find a way to openly and honestly address issues in a healthy way that benefits them as an individual as well as the wider team. And it works. Every time.
It was the next part, though, that really made me sit up and take notice. Because just a few moments later, the film explained what percentage of the remaining population would need to do something different in order to have an effect on the rest. Before the answer was given, I had a stab at guessing what the figure would be, and felt confident that they would say around 20 — 30%. But you know what? I was totally wrong. The film said that it would take just 5% of the population to wake up and make a stand against the unacceptable — even just the small things — to make sociopathic behaviours that much harder to stick. Just 5% of us”¦ that’s all. Just that small amount to stand up to actions we know are wrong. To say “no” when we’re not happy. To demand a change when something goes against our values. Because when one of us starts standing up for what is right, then it encourages others to do the same. It wakes people up. It gives people permission to speak out and stop tolerating stuff that is harmful or hurtful to ourselves and to others.
“Having good morals” somebody said in the film “is contagious — just as much if not more so than bad morals!”
The thing is, though, while we block our instincts, shut down our emotions, and glide around in a pretend bubble of “everything’s fine” we are providing the perfect breeding ground for predators. They’re free to fine-tune their approach, hone their skills, and continue with their actions against humankind because we do nothing to stop them or at least ”˜call them’ on what they are doing.
Behaviour Breeds Behaviour
Yes, this is a scary world. It is also a world of opportunities and magic. A world where we can make more of a difference than most of us realize. And, in my opinion, the more people who become aware of how little is necessary to make a massive difference, more will join our growing army of fighters determined to do something to stop the predators, warn others against them and help those of us who have already been hurt by them.
It doesn’t take much you know. It really doesn’t. From my own experience, I know that as I have become stronger at simple things like setting boundaries and saying no, then my perspective of the world and, therefore, my experience of the world continues to change for the better. I feel more confident, and more in control. My heart is more open and I can clearly see with love and kindness. Each day I am more joyful, and each day brings more wonderful surprises. Did anything change on the outside? Does it mean that I have managed to rid the world of people who would do me harm? No, it doesn’t. It simply means that what I am now allowing in to my world is a deliberate and conscious choice — and I no longer stand for any kind of nonsense.
Can you imagine what would happen if more of us took the conscious decision to say no to anything that wasn’t useful or pleasing in our life? Can you imagine how inspiring it would be to others? Can you imagine how wonderful things could eventually become — and how impossible it would be for sociopaths to thrive as they have been”¦?
My friend Rachel pointed out when I was telling her all about last week’s course “Well, we can’t keep all the psychos locked up — so we’ve got to learn how to fight against them!”
So I did some simple sums in my head. Granted we don’t know for sure, but let’s say that 1% of the free population is psychopathic. We all do know for sure that these people will all have many victims — most running in to double figures when you take in to account that they may have hurt colleagues as well as friends and family, let alone the mega-sociopath who may have hatched a scheme that defrauds hundreds or thousands! So, for argument’s sake let’s say that if each has ten victims, then at least 10% of the population has had personal experience of a psychopath — regardless of whether or not they recognize what they were dealing with. That doesn’t necessarily matter. What matters is the fact that they have been hurt. That in some way (or many ways) they have experienced the destruction that these individuals continue to wreak on us, their unsuspecting victims. The original nice guys who naturally choose trust over suspicion.
It Only Takes 5%
So, what do you think might happen if just half of those people could learn how to re-set boundaries? How to speak out? How to stand up? How to reclaim who they are? How to consciously choose a life that’s filled with happiness and positive experiences”¦ ? We’d have the 5% that the film talked about and, as I’ve already said, it’s just as simple to copy the happy stuff — if not easier in fact! The good stuff, the positive results, can be hugely contagious. What chance would the baddies have in such a positive environment where people would no longer stand for negative behaviour? Of course I can’t prove it”¦ but I’m pretty sure that they couldn’t survive.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again because I feel it’s important. It’s up to all of us now. We all have the power to heal and to make a difference – no matter how impossible it may seem at times. Yes, I know from experience that it isn’t easy. I also know that we are all at different stages of our journey and I also acknowledge that not everyone will be interested in reaching out any further. It doesn’t matter. Because either way, all of us here have first hand experience of “the dark side” — we know what it means and we understand the dangers. And our numbers are growing.
I believe that we are the ones who can band together and make a real difference. From where I am standing, it is our painful experiences that make us authentic, giving us the hard-earned power to understand and empathise at the deepest level. We’ve been there, seen it and got the T-shirt, and perhaps have more reason than others to make sure that we find a way to stop these people continuing to hurt us and others.
What do you reckon”¦? 😉
Sarah,
There is no ‘right’ response to spaths, except NC. There are sentence constructions where you can assert to someone else how their actions make you feel (it’s called an I-sentence: make neutral observation about behaviour + give feedback about the consequences of this as in how it makes you feel – and yes it takes courage to admit someone’s behaviour makes you feel as if you’re invisible to the – + tell what you expect instead). I’ve been trained for years to use such feedback boudnary messages to teens, tourists, and people I know in my personal life. Such an assertive response WORKS with NORMAL EMPATHIC people. They will change their behaviour to an extent to accomodate you. It DOES NOT work on a spath.
I experienced several times how I used such phrases to my ex-spath, and before I knew it we had a fight on our hands anyway, because he could not recognize how I felt because of his actions, nor cared about it. Strangely enough, I noticed he was fully able to express similar phrases to me, and I almost naturally and immediately conformed to it.
Sky is right. Spaths -> NC. But Spaths don’t operate in a vacuum. They dupe and suck in people who influence their friends and their friends to the 3rd degree. People have the flexible mind to tend to come to see what they see daily in their lives as ‘normal’. But as much as they can influence others, we can influence them. Not by pointing at a spath and say “that’s a spath’, but by calling bullshit when the victim comes with some excuse.
I just watched fishead. I went to the site, wrote the moviemakers an email to request the password to be able to view it for free online. They paint this picture at the end of the majority of people being good people but passive, living with the belief we can’t do anything really to those sharks at the top of our society’s pyramid. But we can. Just by acting on our morals and call bull when we see it. You don’t need to endanger your life for it, but you can exercise assertivity in your daily life on little stuff.
And what will happen is that eventually through social life you will affect your friends, who affect their friends, etc… and if 5% call bull and stand up against something it’s enough to make the whole society aware and wake them up and realize, “hey, it’s true… that’s not right at all,” and actually create more opportunities and confidence for others to stand up against something. Eventually it does change laws and behaviours.
Smoking is an example of it, recycling, anti-fur movement (is it surprise that this year real fur is back in fashion… well I find it wrong and despicable). The change is not instant, but like a wave, and it does happen, and it can happen in both directions (genocides, dictatorships, wars, economic crashes are examples of the negative side of that).
My example of the sea turtle is a daily example of how I influenced people. I had 2 tourists with dubious morals: one a namecaller and feeling entitled to namecall people, becuase it was only a joke; a second one who pressured his lodge hosts to be pimps for him and arrange prostitutes for him. Was it a surprise that the namecaller showed an interest in trying sea turtle before I and a few others spoke up? Not at all. Was it a surprise that when I explained that sea turtles are endangered species that the sex tourist came up with some fantasised argument to rationalise ordering sea turtle? Nope. Almost half of my group had fallen under the spell of the namecaller. The other half thought like me on their conduct the 3 weeks of that trip. And yet 3 of us spoke against it, and despite the sex tourist’s silly ‘farm’ fantasy, even the namecaller said, “If that’s so, then I don’t think I’ll order it.” Why? Maybe he did not care what I and the other 2 thought of him, but even his ‘followers’ showed signs of being apalled at the idea after I explained. He knew that he would get a bad review if he would order turtle. So, he didn’t, to save face and status.
Eventually that is the dream with spaths… When something becomes such a general amoral issue within a society (such as eating endangered animal species) that even dupes and spath hailers tend to agree that is amoral… then the spaths can neither argue for the amoral act, nor dare to expose themselves. It won’t make them any lesser spaths, but it takes away their justification podium.
What do spaths do? a) they rationalize that under the circumstances their actions are defendable b) and later they demoralize others by surrounding themselves with supporters who parrot the same rationalisations c) to later make everybody else who disagrees think they are in the minority and smear campaign them d) to make the ones who still disagree believe they can’t do anything against it even if they tried… they are silenced.
It happens in microsocieties in a circle of friends, it happens in forums, it happens on the internet, it happens in a country, it happens globally…But we can turn it around too. And it starts with us, in our homes, with our friends, on forums, on the internet, on the street.
Oxy,
I’m no expert on solving all the world’s problems with spaths
(I just play one on TV) 🙂
But here’s how you make fun of Sandusky.
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-november-15-2011/jerry-sandusky-phone-interview
Jon Stewart IS a professional spathinator AND he plays one on TV, too. His method: he ridicules them.
Of course, we also must notice, arrest and prosecute them too. But giving them a dramatic trial like we did for Casey Anthony, just makes them feel like super stars. It all has to be done without drama, cameras, media and attention. Plain, grey, legal proceedings can get the job done.
I guess it’s not what you say to a spath but how you say it that makes a difference. They don’t understand words anyway, they only understand the emotional reactions on your face which go with the words. Believe me, to a narcissist, the very worst thing you can do is laugh at them. It might even be worse than ignoring them. I’m not sure.
Darwinsmom,
Wow, what a post. I really enjoyed reading that esp. the end!
Skylar, LOL
Oxy,
I hear you. I think going grey rock is only one strategy. One that we can use when appropriate.
When it’s time to call someone out and defend innocents, then going grey rock is only part of the picture. The other part is initiating the right protections and alerting the proper people.
Also, there is talking, in general, to folks who are interested in learning about sociopathy. Having good boundaries and a solid value system is also good for keeping the creepies at bay.
There are a myriad of ways to bring the rotten actions of these folks to light, and to keep them away from you, by making yourself unattractive to them. I think laughing at the less malignant sorts is a big turn off to them, and makes you look like a bore and and less a target.
I know you weren’t posting just to me, but I think I sometimes boil things down a bit too much. So I appreciate being reminded to use the right tool for the right job. Ignoring Hitler would not have made him go away. UNLESS everyone had ignored him. Not likely.
Please do not bring up politics on this blog – it tends to start arguments.
Thank you Ana… I felt inspired and hopeful again after watching fishead, and needed to share it 🙂
There have been occassions when my I-messages to my ex-spath worked… never in private… but when he egged me on in public, and he in some way hoped to have me paint myself off as a drama-queen in response to him, that tended to backfire. If the I message meant nothing to him, because they directly appeal to empathy in an assertive manner, empathy he didn’t have, then he must have noticed how it affected the people he used as witness audience, and that it made them look at him through my eyes. He would instantly back off and then seek an opportunity to apologize afterwords, but still with the same audience within earshot for it.
Sky, your comment about laughing at them made me think of that namecalling guy and how his followers ended namecalling each other… especially those girls seemed to think they were proving me I was thin-skinned for pointing out it was improper behaviour before… but now that I think of it: after that one confrontation where I had pointed it out pubically to him, he never ever namecalled me, nor did they. They were namecalling each other… or rather he called them cunts and bitches, they let him and laughed about it. That kinda made them the fools in my eyes, and probaby his too.
On the last day soemthing even more childish occurred. I usually have a joke at the start of a trip… I tell people I have 3 rules for which I remove someone from the group. People are fairly timid at the start and kinda intimidated when I say that. They await my 3 rules with anxiousness. And then I explain that a big no-no are wearing white socks in sandals, or having braids like Bo Derek, or arriving too late at a meeting point when we have to take transport. Most people laugh relieved about it, and that way they remember ‘do my best to be at the meeting point on time’ without me sounding like a teacher (tourists are adults after all).
On the last day in Havana before the end of the tour, the namecaller and his mate told me that oen of the girls was off for several hours and probably would not make it back at the time of meeting, so couldn’t I delay the meeting to go to the restaurant (the one with the sea turtle on the menu). Apparently she was off to do something, she didn’t want me to know about before she returned. So, I asked them, half smiling, “She’s getting braids like Bo Derek in her hair or what?” And my guess was the right one. When she returned, I told her that I didn’t care what she did with her hair. It was her hair after all to do with as she liked. That’s kinda when she started to realize how silly she had truly acted. I wouldn’t be surprised if the namecaller put her up to it.
If I regard that namecaller as a near spath or a spath (he didn’t seem to like women in general, something bad about his ex as well), then I see especially the girls who ended up being his followers as the ones who made fools of themselves, and how he probably thought of them as fools as well, but they were handy to get some support to do as he liked.
The thing that I hate really is that people “laughing at them” and making light of the heinous things they have done is in a way giving them attention that they crave. If the psychopaths felt TRUE shame it would be one thing, but at best they just want to keep up their FALSE FRONT….well some of them want to keep up that false front, others could care less about what others think of them. I’ve known some Ps each way and some in the middle.
The “garden variety” person high in P and/or N traits but not GENERALLY a true danger to society or to others (i.e. Not Ted Bundy or Bernie Madoff) may be influenced by public outing, because they want to keep up their false front. Former Governor James E. McGreevey is an example of that kind of a “snake in a suit” I think when he was caught and called himself a “gay American” LOL and tried to act like he was so noble to come out of the closet….with his gobsmacked wife standing beside him. COMMMMMME ON!!!! He isn’t likely to kill her, or rob a bank, or that kind of P-crime, and maybe Gray Rock or Potted Plant treatment or shaming him or laughing at him would influence him somewhat, but the Ted Bundys, the Sanduskys, the Hitler, the Stalins, the Chariman Maos, all those people have to be FOUGHT….and unfortunately you can’t always tell what they are, or even that they ARE a psychopath until they have taken over the country, or raped children, or started a program of genocide.
I think Darwin’s mom is right in that we CAN and should stand up for what we think is RIGHT…whether it is not eating endangered sea turtles, or name calling or other forms of bullying, or teachers cheating on ACT tests….good behavior is contageous, but so is bad behavior.
Sitting on the FENCE and watching someone hurt someone else or failing to do what we know is right or speak up puts some of the guilt on OUR shoulders as well.
Pontius Pilate washed his hands before the mob that crucified Jesus, but that didn’t make him any less guilty for what was done. I think we need to HOLD UP OUR HANDS for what is right even if we are the ONLY one in the crowd doing so. Being “right” didn’t make Jesus any more “popular” and it won’t always make us popular, as I found out in my living history group with the jerk that pointed the gun at me as a “joke” and his buddy the president of the group. I haven’t always stood up for what I thought was right, I have failed to do so many times when I SHOULD have stood up, but I am doing my best to do so in the present and the future.
I totally agree with Sarah about there being “in person classes”. boy, could i have sure used some of those lessons.
Oxy,
That’s entirely correct about most them secretly basking in being “outed.” At the same time, there are some like mine who really find it inconveniencing to have their masks removed before family and friends. (Notice, I didn’t say “emotionally painful” – just “inconvenient” – along the lines of an ingrown toenail or some such thing.)
As far as “getting even” I think NC is almost always the best way to go. But there is one exception (for me at least), and it’s this: if you can completely devastate them in one bold and and fell stroke – without any significant consequences to yourself, of course – then my view is one should do it and not look back! In other words, if you have secret info. that will cause them to lose their jobs, families, reputations, finances, etc. (again, without any appreciable repercussions to oneself), I say GO FOR IT!
But then again, I’m a very dangerous and confrontational person when properly roused!
Okay, on that note, gotta run. Have a nice day.
Darwinsmom,
I think the “I” responses that we have been taught . . are totally wrong. I agree with you that the best response is NC. But as an interum measure (if it is safe). I believe that the best response is NOT an “I” statement. But starting sentences with YOU. Like YOU are insensitive, YOU are WRONG, STOP what YOU are doing. YOU are lying. YOU are a “whatever”. Instead of absorbing and acknowledging their demented actions and how they effected you….I think
it is best to put the responsibility squarely where it belongs i.e., . . .ON THEM! Let them know that they are wrong, inappropriate, crazy, demented . . whatever. Let them know THEY are WRONG and they need need to change (although we know they can’t and won’t). Of course, the best response IMHO is NC . . and go on to live a good life without
P/S/N/A or Bullies.