Wow, last week’s course with Dr Robert Hare was absolutely amazing! A huge eye-opener on how offending psychopaths are measured and dealt with in the criminal justice system — and also an insight in to the astonishing man who has given so much to so many of us. I’m planning to cover more about that in future posts…
This week I’d like to talk about another subject that came up last week. It was also spelled out loud and clear in the Fishead movie that I know many of you have seen. It’s the point that, even though it’s widely acknowledged that a psychopath cannot ”˜get better’ (and therefore it stands to reason that we cannot change the way they behave) it’s also true that the vast majority of the population are inadvertently supporting these types of people as they continue inflicting damage on individuals and on society itself.
I know”¦ that was a pretty strong statement to make. Believe me, it’s not one I make lightly.
The movie, Fishead, made a point that I found absolutely fascinating. Talking about famous psychopathic leaders, it invited us, the audience, to consider whether it is solely the psychopath who is responsible for the bad things that happen. Couldn’t it also be argued that it is the rest of us who are also in part responsible, because we are allowing the destructive behaviour to continue? Albert Einstein said, “The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.”
Stand Up, Speak Out
I had to agree — it made perfect sense to me. In particular, I could identify with this from my years of experience working with teams and individuals in my professional career. Too often people will choose to keep their heads down, say nothing or let things wash over them in order to keep the peace. They’ll smile and say that everything is ”˜fine’”¦ Despite the fact that they may be desperately unhappy with a situation or a person they work with! Everything is far from fine. And no, it’s neither OK nor right that people should be expected (even encouraged!) to carry on regardless. This isn’t what the human race is about! This isn’t how we’ve made so much progress! This isn’t how it’s meant to be! My job, in those instances, is to encourage people to speak out and find a way to openly and honestly address issues in a healthy way that benefits them as an individual as well as the wider team. And it works. Every time.
It was the next part, though, that really made me sit up and take notice. Because just a few moments later, the film explained what percentage of the remaining population would need to do something different in order to have an effect on the rest. Before the answer was given, I had a stab at guessing what the figure would be, and felt confident that they would say around 20 — 30%. But you know what? I was totally wrong. The film said that it would take just 5% of the population to wake up and make a stand against the unacceptable — even just the small things — to make sociopathic behaviours that much harder to stick. Just 5% of us”¦ that’s all. Just that small amount to stand up to actions we know are wrong. To say “no” when we’re not happy. To demand a change when something goes against our values. Because when one of us starts standing up for what is right, then it encourages others to do the same. It wakes people up. It gives people permission to speak out and stop tolerating stuff that is harmful or hurtful to ourselves and to others.
“Having good morals” somebody said in the film “is contagious — just as much if not more so than bad morals!”
The thing is, though, while we block our instincts, shut down our emotions, and glide around in a pretend bubble of “everything’s fine” we are providing the perfect breeding ground for predators. They’re free to fine-tune their approach, hone their skills, and continue with their actions against humankind because we do nothing to stop them or at least ”˜call them’ on what they are doing.
Behaviour Breeds Behaviour
Yes, this is a scary world. It is also a world of opportunities and magic. A world where we can make more of a difference than most of us realize. And, in my opinion, the more people who become aware of how little is necessary to make a massive difference, more will join our growing army of fighters determined to do something to stop the predators, warn others against them and help those of us who have already been hurt by them.
It doesn’t take much you know. It really doesn’t. From my own experience, I know that as I have become stronger at simple things like setting boundaries and saying no, then my perspective of the world and, therefore, my experience of the world continues to change for the better. I feel more confident, and more in control. My heart is more open and I can clearly see with love and kindness. Each day I am more joyful, and each day brings more wonderful surprises. Did anything change on the outside? Does it mean that I have managed to rid the world of people who would do me harm? No, it doesn’t. It simply means that what I am now allowing in to my world is a deliberate and conscious choice — and I no longer stand for any kind of nonsense.
Can you imagine what would happen if more of us took the conscious decision to say no to anything that wasn’t useful or pleasing in our life? Can you imagine how inspiring it would be to others? Can you imagine how wonderful things could eventually become — and how impossible it would be for sociopaths to thrive as they have been”¦?
My friend Rachel pointed out when I was telling her all about last week’s course “Well, we can’t keep all the psychos locked up — so we’ve got to learn how to fight against them!”
So I did some simple sums in my head. Granted we don’t know for sure, but let’s say that 1% of the free population is psychopathic. We all do know for sure that these people will all have many victims — most running in to double figures when you take in to account that they may have hurt colleagues as well as friends and family, let alone the mega-sociopath who may have hatched a scheme that defrauds hundreds or thousands! So, for argument’s sake let’s say that if each has ten victims, then at least 10% of the population has had personal experience of a psychopath — regardless of whether or not they recognize what they were dealing with. That doesn’t necessarily matter. What matters is the fact that they have been hurt. That in some way (or many ways) they have experienced the destruction that these individuals continue to wreak on us, their unsuspecting victims. The original nice guys who naturally choose trust over suspicion.
It Only Takes 5%
So, what do you think might happen if just half of those people could learn how to re-set boundaries? How to speak out? How to stand up? How to reclaim who they are? How to consciously choose a life that’s filled with happiness and positive experiences”¦ ? We’d have the 5% that the film talked about and, as I’ve already said, it’s just as simple to copy the happy stuff — if not easier in fact! The good stuff, the positive results, can be hugely contagious. What chance would the baddies have in such a positive environment where people would no longer stand for negative behaviour? Of course I can’t prove it”¦ but I’m pretty sure that they couldn’t survive.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again because I feel it’s important. It’s up to all of us now. We all have the power to heal and to make a difference – no matter how impossible it may seem at times. Yes, I know from experience that it isn’t easy. I also know that we are all at different stages of our journey and I also acknowledge that not everyone will be interested in reaching out any further. It doesn’t matter. Because either way, all of us here have first hand experience of “the dark side” — we know what it means and we understand the dangers. And our numbers are growing.
I believe that we are the ones who can band together and make a real difference. From where I am standing, it is our painful experiences that make us authentic, giving us the hard-earned power to understand and empathise at the deepest level. We’ve been there, seen it and got the T-shirt, and perhaps have more reason than others to make sure that we find a way to stop these people continuing to hurt us and others.
What do you reckon”¦? 😉
Sarah,
That is true… Eventually, my ex-spath provoked me to use YOU sentences. And it would halt him right in his tracks. It kinda baffled him. But YOU sentences are basically aggressive, and afterwards I felt that I had not just been aggressive to the spath but also to myself.
Another problem was that once I started to use YOU sentences on him, it became harder to use I-sentences in situations with normal people. YOU sentences backfires on normal people, because they are regarded as an attack. And aggression normally gets returned with aggression (passive or active).
So, the best is NC and GREY ROCK with a spath in your personal atmoshpere.
further. . . P/S/N/A and bullies are all about POWER, CONTROL and WINNING. When you let a P/S/N/A know that they have effected you . . i.e., hurt you etc . . you have acknowledged that they were successful in their abuse/putdowns, power and control. (i.e., They were able to effect you), and IMHO you have positively reinforced their abusive behavior. So IMHO . . it is best to take the emphasis OFF of how THEIR behavior made YOU feel . . and put the emphasis on the fact their behavior (and they) are crazy, wrong, evil, inappropriate, i.e., INSTEAD of saying your put-downs, cheating, lying etc made me feel bad… Say YOU are wrong to put-me down, lie, cheat etc. You are demented . . You are crazy . . whatever is correct for the situation. I think those “I” statements that we were taught, do not apply when you are dealing with PERSONALITY DISORDERED individuals. They apply only when the other person is also a feeling, kind, person who “HAS a CONSCIENCE”, and does not put WINNING, DOMINATION and CONTROL above all else. That’s just me.
I agree, Sarah… the reason for that is that an I-message is about changing hurtful behaviour through evoking empathy.
a) spaths don’t have empathy
b) they don’t change
Strangely enough though, my ex spath was able to deliver a perfect I message to appeal to my empathy. It was one of those things that bugged and mystified me when within the relationship, and I consider it a red flag nowadays.
Actually, I think that there is confusion between EMPATHY and COMPASSION. Simply put . . .EMPATHY is KNOWING what someone else feels, COMPASSION is CARING what someone else feels. I believe, that the most sadistic psychopaths have tons of EMPATHY. Inorder to be a successful sadist, and know exactly how to hurt the other person maximally, you have to really have LOTS OF EMPATHY. You must know what will hurt the other person the most. This will also give the N/P/S/A the most power and control, and in their warped mind . . they will win.
The more it hurts, the more successful they were in their sadism. What these sadistic psychopaths are missing is COMPASSION. They don’t CARE that they have hurt someone, as a matter of fact the revil in it. So I believe many P/S/N/A do have EMPATHY . . . but they don’t have COMPASSION.
As a matter of fact I think it is OUR projection that doesn’t allow us to think of Empathy realistically. We know that if WE were hurting someone . . we would stop and feel bad. We are projecting that feeling onto P/S/N/A’s. When in fact . . . if they know THEY are hurting someone they feel powerful, in control, and successful in their domination etc. So, in conclusion, P/S/N/A’s may have LOTS of EMPATHY, but they do not have COMPASSION.
Neurological studies suggest otherwise, Sarah. Empathy provokes an emotional response, and it is this that is shallow to non-existent in spaths. Even their own personal pain experience is not equal to ours, which explains why they take risks without fear, even if that risk involves damaging themselves. Smiling or crying faces give the same response in the brain for a spath as if he was watching a picture with a flower in it.
The empathic impulse and experience can not be voluntarily ignored in the brain. Studies have shown how if someone pricks my finger with a needle, my frontal lobes of hte cortex will alight with a pain impulse in my brain. If I see someone else being pricked with the needle, my brain will instantly respond the same way as if I were being pricked. It is this neurological response that is absent with spaths.
The enjoyment, glee from a spath is the cognitive knowledge they can make the victim respond in a way that proves to them they have control. People can only either do this through dissociation or not actually feeling anything (aka no empathic abilities).
Dissociation is a mental trauma survival tactic, where an individual kinda gets out of their body and cut themselves from feeling. For this to lead to the effect of sociopathic levels the dissociation must be chronic and fixed as survival method for a majority in someone’s lifetime.
Darwinsmom
I don’t understand – can you clarify?
He sent you a message to provoke YOUR empathy?
Or the other way around?
What was the red flag?
That when I used an I-sentence to deal with his actions that he’d make a scene and just did not respond to them as I’m accustomed to with people normally… but that he was able to make a perfect I-sentence himself when he didn’t like my behaviour. Actually that’s a direct sign of his lack of empathy, but he was fully able to make perfectly clear how my behaviour upset him. This dichotomy is a red flag to me.
The occasions he made a perfect I-sentence to appeal to my empathy and alter my behaviour was when during a fight over the phone I disconnected the phone to time myself out. He called me back asking me to never do that again because he felt so and so and suggested I could at least say to him that I needed a time out before cutting the conversation (and it wasn’t as if he was calling me… we were fighting on my phone bill). He did it so well that I totally understood and agreed to warn him beforehand and at least say ‘we’ll talk later, bye’. And then I was baffled: why the hell, does he not respond understanding to me, when I express myself in the same way (I sentence) to him? The answer is of course, because he lacks empathy
If someone’s going to be a successful sadist (which many P/S/N/A are) . . . . i.e, hurt the victim the maximally, (and thus garner the most power and control for themselves) . . Who do you think would be better . . the person who knows what will hurt and how much it hurt (i.e., has empathy) or the person who doesn’t know?
Just a question . . .
Athena, I suggest that you read one of the best research books on empathy or lack of it by Dr. Baron-Cohen who works with the autistic mainly, but there is a difference in the way that the two groups DON’T HAVE EMPATHY….both are low or totally lacking in empathy, not really knowing/feeling how the other feels, but also both lack compassion because of this lack of empathy (they aren’t able to comprehend, or care because they have no knowledge,) however, the PSYCHOPATH has something that the autistic person generally doesn’t have, the psychopath has DUPING DELIGHT. They enjoy making others hurt, or putting one over on others. The autistic person may hurt others but it isn’t from WANTING to hurt others (though they may strike back when provoked or bullied) it is a lack of awareness of how their behavior effects others.
High functioning and very smart people who are “highly functioning autistics” like Dr. Temple Grandin (BTW I watched the movie of her life last night and it is EXCELLENT) can still function in society, but I felt like it must be a lonely life for them, not bonding to or connecting with others.
Yet Dr. Grandin hade EMPATHY for animals, and was able to comprehend how they were afraid, and how they wanted to move because they were prey animals. She designed handling faciliteis that are used for more than half of the cattle in the US today. In fact, until recently I owned one of the chutes she designed, after I sold the bulk of my herd I also sold the chute, but kept the squeeze part and will keep it as long as I have even one animal on the place. Dr. Grandin couldn’t stand to be hugged or touched by people, but she designed and built a small squeeze chute for herself so that when she was upset she could get inside it and control the squeeze to calm herself.
When I had been in Africa as a wild life photographer, we were filming a group of cheetahs that had been zoo raised but were being taught to hunt and kill by having live antelope released inside a pen for them to chase and catch, much like a mama cat trains her kittens, and at first the cats were bringing them down from the back and holding them, without killing them and starting to eat chunks out of the live antelope and the antelope would not struggle or show any sign of pain….I was disturbed, but the antelope were apparently calm and relaxed even though they were being consumed. I actually touched the eye ball of one of them to see if they had the corneal reflex that showed brain activity and there was NONE…the squeezing hold the cats had on the antelope (like cattle, PREY ANIMALS) had calmed the antelope so that it apparently was feeling no pain.
I noticed this, but Didn’t DO anything with my knowledge, but Temple Grandin USED her knowledge of prey animals to calm cattle, how to move them from place to place like a good pack of Border Collies without disturbing them or upsetting them and releasing the fight or flight hormones, and HUMANELY HANDLING THEM. And yet, this woman has little empathy in understanding human feelings in others….wow! I’m impressed. She had compassion for these animals and in spite of sexism, abuse, bulling, ridicule and having her truck coated with fresh bull testicles, this woman kept on….seeing each challenge as an OPPORTUNITY, a door to the next GOOD THING!
We have knowledge about how psychopaths work, what they are and what they DO, so it is our chance now to be Temple Grandins and put our knowledge to good use to alleviate the suffering of our fellow humans from the human predators.
Also . . . you said
“my ex spath was able to deliver a perfect I message to appeal to my empathy”. He showed empathy . . i.e., he KNEW what you would feel.
But he had no COMPASSION . . . he was manipulating you, WITHOUT CARING (no compassion) about the effect his manipulation would have on you.