Jobs for Hard Times: Becoming a Dysfunctional Blogger for Fun and Profit!

By The Front Porch Talker

From my newest series, “Jobs for Hard Times,” which is yet another of my unfinished series in my unending series of Front Porch Talker items.

HOME PAGE: Welcome to my blog, “NE’ER-DO-WELLS” (WWW.NEERDOWELLS.COM)

MOTTO: “Let the Mocking Begin!”

ABOUT US: Here, we celebrate a ”˜DIVERSE CULTURAL PERSPECTIVE”˜ with a POLITICALLY- CORRECT HANDLE ON THINGS: For ”˜folks with Personality Disorders’: Narcissists, Sociopaths, and other Psychopaths, Shape-Shifters and Flexible Identities Among Us!

Dear fans and devotees, and other undecided Libertarians of faiths and fan clubs, and “Dexter,”

I feel like saying it, so I will: “Let the mocking begin! It’s always: Them, them, them!”

I would write all of this in capital letters, except then my middle-aged editor could read it without her glasses (LOL!)! I know many of you are wondering about the “Dexter Effect,” and why, unlike most bloggers, I have not misspelled the word “effect.” Every blogger, except me, misspells something! So, maybe I will say it wrong get it out of my system right now: “affect” (sic). That’s the “Dexter Affect” (sic).

A bit of autobiographical information about me, first (and last). You can call me “N.”

I, “N,” became a Narcissistic Blogger after many years in the ”˜educational field:’ namely, I taught first-grade students, all of whom adored me more than life itself—but not more than I adore myself, of course. Then, adding to my ”˜Narcissistic Personality’ dossier, I married a man who is in love with three-lettered activities: mainly, THE NFL, THE NHL, and the NSL. During half-time, I dance in front of the television in my tutu—the same kind that Michelle Obama claims to have in her own closet.

Needless to say, I do NOT support the ”˜Right to Free Speech’ here, unless it is about me of course. As I like to say, there are no free lunches, unless of course YOU are buying!

I do not mean to imply (or is it infer) that this website is for Narcissists only. We welcome “S” who is a bona fide Sociopath and our all-round Psychopath here at the “NE’ER-DO-WELL” blogger site for we who are “shape-shifters” and “flexible identities.”

Here is “S”’s commentary on the “Dexter Phenomenon”:

Well folks, let me begin by saying that we are not all “good-looks-and-charm,” like “Dexter” (played by Michael C. Hall) on the television show of the same name. Well, most but not ALL of us are charming and unwittingly witty—myself included (I’m sure “N” would also agree!).

“N” and I are here to give you a professional perspective of what it is like to be “malignant” and “maligned,” as the “politically-correct” “professionals” in the biz call us. Like Dexter, we can only go so long before we must do something that is “deviant” or “murderous,” if you will pardon the expression.

Here’s a metaphor or a euphemism: Think, if you will, of a mosquito, impregnated with your rare blood-type while still stinging your arm—you’d slap it, wouldn’t you? Then you’d spray some bug spray all around you and slap a band-aid on the bite, right?

That is exactly how it feels to we who identify as “N’s” (Narcissists), “S’s” (Sociopaths), and other “P’s” (Psychopaths) who live among you. We have to slap you, spray some bug spray and slap a band-aid on, if you get in our way of the goal: POWER, at any cost. Ours, of course. We call this: “Grandiosity, at the Grassroots Herbal Tea Power Level!” We have got Sarah Palin down perfectly, from Tina Fey of course. We don’t invent these things—we imitate what you invent!

But, with one caveat: I, personally, for example, wouldn’t even bother with that ”˜Granola Lady,’ Corrie-somebody from Evergreen College who got herself plowed-over in the so-called ”˜Israeli Settlements,’ —that was just plain dumb! That’s a non sequitur, which we dysfunctional- blogger ”˜folks’ are prone to…(as well as grammatical mistakes)

And, what about Lady Gaga? That’s another non sequitur.

“Well,” you might say, “isn’t that a little bit judgmental on your part? Or maybe, just a tad selfish and indifferent not to care about an idealistic young person? They have rights too!” Perhaps I would agree, if I gave a damn about, or had empathy for—which I do not—WE DON’T HAVE TO CARE—WE’RE SOCIOPATHS!

You might even ask us why we don’t care more about say, ”˜giving back to the world,’ or ”˜reducing our carbon footprint’ or ”˜recycling’ while raising our children ”˜in a village.’ But, that’s just a myth: we deviants care about the environment, just like you do! We ”˜give-back’ by ”˜taking’ is all. We trace all ”˜carbon footprints’ until we track you down, is all. We also believe in ”˜recycling,’ as you might imagine. Our village is your village, as we like to say. A ”˜GREEN VILLAGE,’ if you will.

Well, we can’t all be Dexter. As much as I would personally like to live in Miami Beach, Florida like Dexter, some of us ”˜lesser-known’ deviants are stuck here in the suburbs of places like Detroit and Oklahoma City. Sure, we would like to have our own classy speed-boats, a mouthy and inappropriate step-sister (who also happens to work for the Miami PD), and a sweet girlfriend (now wife) who is drawn to the wrong men—but we aren’t cookie-cutter social deviants—we are unique! (“N” says that you can only be “unique” if there is one of us; and, we know that that’s not true).

Of course I say men, but I mean “N” and “S” and “P” women too! We all live among you, if we are not already previously engaged—in prison. The “Psychology community” used to group us all together as “Anti-social” personalities in a gooey pecan-caramel “cluster.” We thought that was a little bit judgmental and would prefer the term: “Previously-social,” although that would be a lie. We were never social—you just thought we were!

Dexter has liberated the Personality-Disordered (Clustered) community, if you ask me—especially in the state of Florida. We fit in; we are as invisible as a trailer park of old white “folks,” living in old white double-wides, with old white gravel in the yard and new or later models of white Sedans in the carport! We all look alike! Florida used to be known for the “newly married and nearly dead.” We are the benefactors of those “folks.” Or rather, they are the benefactors of us! We’ll meet you at the community pool, or perhaps a game of shuffleboard will do?

Seriously now, Dexter would never be seen in such trailer parks in Florida. He is a highly-functioning psychopath, cluster C, for Cupcakes with chocolate frosting. Your Ho-Ho’s, and what-not. Plus, he lives in tres chic Miami Beach, where all the famous movie stars and politicians have second homes.

“N” speaking here: I believe I am an expert on the subject of famous movie stars and politicians, many of whom are still secretly “in the closet” about the subject of “Narcissism” and “Sociopathy.” Yes; this is the last ”˜bastion,’ if you will, of taboos! We do not want to get sued by the Scientologists or some movie star’s agent, so we won’t name-names (but you know who you are, T.C.! and the star who goes by the Virgin Mary’s surname!) People always make us out to be bad—always Dis’n us–; but, guess what? Some of us are paid a princely sum to be in your stupid movies (hint, hint). So, how bad could we be?

WE ARE PART OF THE SOCIAL FABRIC OF THE SOCIAL NETWORK. Take Facebook, for example, and tell me that that isn’t a good thing? And what about the rock stars who still think they’re “God” and sexy at the age of seventy-two? And what about those famous ”˜artists’ who throw some paint on a canvas and call it “Post-Modern Art?”

Do they also live in that ”˜Stucco-Deco’ city called Miami Beach? Talk about crazy!

I say: Post-Modern Sociopaths and Narcissists Unite!

“PP” here (Post-Modern Psychopath is now in the virtual chat room):

Pardon me, but I’d like to include myself in that list of “Detestables.” I hate to interrupt, but weren’t we just talking about Dexter? Allow me, if you will, to deconstruct all that Dexter represents in the narrowly-corruptible social blogosphere, et al, ad infinitum, par excellence, in Excelsis Deo! (that’s Excel!)
Allow me to elaborate for a moment, if you will. As a Post-modern Psychopath, I believe I know a thing or two about so-called ”˜Deviant Art,’ AND I also watch “Dexter” on cable television regularly. Frankly, Dexter is a light-weight as far as sociopaths/psychopaths are concerned. For Chrissakes, Michael C. Hall was on that Indie show, “Six Feet Under,” before “Dexter,—”but that’s neither here-nor-there! Also, if you had been watching that show closely you would notice that Dexter’s so-called “sunburn” looks more like a tanning booth look-alike, if you ask me.

We have been given a bad name: let’s just admit it. For every bad thing “we” do, a good thing comes of it—say a new cable show, for instance. We have our doppelgangers, of course, as has been noted in the “literature” around the blogosphere; but, so do the Germans—that is a German word, right? We have literary import, as well. Ever heard of “Jekyl and Mr. Hyde,” pray tell? Or how about Jack the Ripper and that connection to Dodson, a.k.a. “Alice in Wonderland” and “Jabberwocky” fame? They say if you deconstruct “Jabberwocky,” you will unravel the Ripper killings.

We’re not all Ted Bundy’s (who was also in Florida). Some of us are famous for one thing or another. Maybe we have ”˜famous’ cookies named after us. Maybe, for example, we perform a ”˜famous’ magic act in Vegas, or left our handprints in cement by our Hollywood ”˜Star.’ We sing, dance, and perform like a monkey with an organ grinder (double entendre intended) (LOL!)!

Some of us ”˜Social Deviants’ prefer to lay-low. We are farmers in need of ”˜Farm Aid’ (here’s a nod out to Willie Nelson here!) Some of us actually work for a living! We milk cows in the Heartland of America. We press your shirts in the Dry Cleaners of America. We are your dentists, your doctors—even your psychiatrists (at HMO’s)!

And now that the economy has gone soft, we are bloggers! Anybody can write a blog and Everybody has an opinion! Who needs a degree when we have a blog?

We are you! Wake-up and smell the dysfunction, America! Join our Blog AND GET YOUR DEXTER ON!

Yours in dysfunction,

The Front Porch Talker at-large!