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How to implement No Contact

When people realize that that they are involved with a sociopath, the standard advice from Lovefraud is that they should, as quickly as possible, cut the predator out of their lives. That means no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, and certainly no in-person meetings. It means No Contact.

Of course, there are times when this is difficult, as when our reader works with the sociopath, or they have children together. In these cases, they need to implement No Contact as best they can. But let’s now talk about situations where it is possible to get rid of the person, such as in a dating relationship.

What is the best way to establish No Contact? Clearly, firmly and permanently.

The rules of No Contact

The book called The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, devotes several pages to the topic of rejecting an unwanted suitor, and these pages are among the most helpful of the entire book.

De Becker writes in the context of a woman who decides she doesn’t want to be involved with a man. Do not, the author says, try to “let him down easy.” Here’s what he writes:

One rule applies to all types of unwanted pursuit: Do not negotiate. Once a woman has made the decision that she doesn’t want a relationship with a particular man, it needs to be said one time, explicitly. Almost any contact after that rejection will be seen as negotiation ”¦ If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to him—nine times more than you wanted to.

Here are more points that de Becker makes in the book:

  • If you get 30 messages from a pursuer, and finally call him back to say, “stop calling,” he learns that after 30 attempts, he will get a response.
  • If you make an excuse like, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now,” the stalker assumes you will want to be in a relationship later, and keeps calling.
  • If you say, “You’re a great guy, but I’m not the one for you,” the stalker thinks you’re just confused, and will come around in time.
  • Never explain why you don’t want a relationship. If you give a reason, it gives him something to challenge.
  • A nice or delicate rejection is often taken as affection.

“The way to stop contact is to stop contact,” de Becker says. “I suggest one explicit rejection and after that absolutely no contact. If you call the pursuer back, or agree to meet, or send him  a note, or have somebody warn him off, you buy another six weeks of his unwanted pursuit.”

Giving in

What happens if you’re wishy-washy about No Contact? Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Lenore.”

I literally had to count the days that went by as I refused contact with him, and on day 120, I celebrated because I felt healed. Well, on day 121, he emailed me, and against my better judgment, I emailed him back. He told me he had been in therapy, he realized what he had done wrong, he was on medication.

I was cautious and wary, and decided, amidst warnings of concern from my friends and family, to perhaps work on a friendship again. We worked on being friends for a few weeks, and everything was great and fine. I felt in control of the situation.

Then his old behaviors started creeping in. He installed a GPS app on my phone so he could track my whereabouts. He began calling and texting incessantly, and flipping out if I didn’t answer right away. The verbal and psychological abuse had begun again. Fortunately, this time it did not escalate to physical abuse. He began lying again, gaslighting and acting erratically, and began seeing other women on the side. Last night, it once again became too much and I told him not to contact me again because my heart and my spirit couldn’t take any more pain, and his inconsistency is so bad for my son.

So today begins Day One again without him. I am writing you today to tell you that your no contact advice was the best advice I didn’t take. For 120 days I went without him. It took a while, but by day 90 I was happy and free and at peace. Now I am back to square one.

No Contact is the path to healing from an entanglement with a sociopath. The stronger you can be about No Contact, the faster you will recover.



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742 Comments on "How to implement No Contact"

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Wow, I’m reading some of my old posts from a year ago. What a long journey! Back a year ago, I was very attached to my most regular salsa dance partner. I had waited A YEAR for him to come around. We had a mutual attraction, and our chemistry on the dance floor was combustible. We matched up in other ways, and he is a very refined gentleman on and off the dance floor. I waited and waited for a kiss from him, and finally I just broke off our entire relationship and walked away. He never called me again. It hurt like hell. My best gf from salsa class ended up teaching with him and becoming his close friend and possibly even more – I didn’t stick around to find out. I still occasionally see them at the clubs and the last time it happened, I got triggered. Then I sought help in the form of EMDR to release the PTSD aspect of it. It worked.

But here is what I learned from that traumatic situation. WHEN A GUY TELLS YOU WHO HIS IS, BELIEVE HIM. This guy told me from the start he had gone through a painful divorce and was not ready for a relationship. He said salsa dancing fulfilled his needs, and that was all he wanted. So HE was not the problem. He was completely honest with me. I didn’t believe him so I romanticized the relationship. I didn’t listen. I know better now.

The latest guy in my life was just the opposite. He told me all the things I wanted to hear, and he is not afraid to be physical with me. But his behaviors don’t match up with his words. I have come to realize after knowing him quite a while that he is a bullshit artist of some sort. So I’m gradually fading him from my life. He plays games, but the games are not so interesting to me these days. The relationship (or lack thereof) is just running its course. He will still probably pop up like a whack-a-mole periodically because he probably will be unable to commit to anyone. I suspect he is an alcoholic and a narcissist. I will probably never know because he is not asking me out on dates which he knows is what I need.

Again, when a man tells you – or shows you – what he is, BELIEVE HIM! I’m a little slow sometimes but I DO get the lesson.

I too was reading some of my old comments. How far I have come. I am now no contact well over a year. I now officially divorced. It was a long, difficult journey and so worth it. To divorce him was the best decision I have ever made in my life. Looking back now, going through the different stages of hurt, anger, sadness and acceptance I must say that the no contact rule was very important. I don’t have any minor children so staying no contact was possible.
To this day I receive little nasty notes from the ex with the monthly alimony check which he was court ordered to pay for the rest of my life . He still tries to get a reaction out of me. He just does not get it. In his notes he still blames me for the cheating and the discard. I just file those notes away in a folder called “evil” on the advice of my attorney.
I changed my phone no and email. But he finds new ways to try to provoke me. He will never change. He is the one who cheated and left and us upset now that he has to pay alimony.
I will stay no contact because he does not exist to me anymore.

I like the idea of a file folder called “evil”. 🙂

Hi Kaya I just wanted to say Hi to you and haneli and star Annette and all my other LF friends. I will be back up and writing soon- just been dealing with my moms passing and getting things in order. I hope you are doing well- I have so much to tell you all about the spath and what he has been doing to me ..

Thinking of you, taralav! Love to all.

I met my Spath during a difficult divorce from a narcissist. After going through over $100,000 and my sanity, I finally was able to evict him. It was so awful, I didn’t even go home the last month which enabled him to take just about anything i would need to function. He moved in with a women and I was honoring the no contact rule for 3 months when she called me to say she was kicking him out. she told me she was sorry for believing all the awful stuff he said about me and SHE was the one who told me he was a sociopath. I was with him for 7 years and not once looked up information on a sociopath. I believed his brain injury (accident) and his upbringing were the reasons he had a constant defiant teenager mentality. I guess I felt like his protector. Well, after he got kicked out of her place He started coming around telling me he wants to go to a therapist and work on our relationship. Long story short, he holds me hostage, I fight back, he takes my phone (which he sold the next day) and videotapes me coming after him. I call the cops but I end up getting arrested. Since he had my address listed as his, they let him move back into my home, and I wasn’t allowed to go there. He filed an affidavit to say I broke the no-contact order and just like that I’m arrested.I had to close my business to sit in jail AGAIN.Then he filed a restraining order calling me abusive and we ended up in court where it was very difficult listening to him lie about everything. I filed one against him but he was a more convincing liar than I was a truth-teller. In the end I was able to get a judgement and writ of possession so that he was forced out of my home, but he was still able to steal everything he didn’t take during the eviction and along with all of my possessions, he took tons of financial paperwork, credit cards, even personal items. He had also vandalized the smoke detector system which probably happened when he was cooking for the first time on his own. What shocked me was that he boxed up everything that had to do with me, my photos, toiletries, basically turning MY house into his bachelor pad. (Of course, at the time he didn’t know he would soon be evicted forever) I’m sure he thought the restraining order against me would keep me from being able to go to that house for a very long time MY house.
Anyway, I go to court for battery charges soon and will fight it and take it to trial (yes, for a misdemeanor) because I REFUSE to let him win on this. I want him exposed. He should be punished for perjury and for battery and for theft and for selling stolen property (which he spent 9 years in prison for before I met him) but more importantly, I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ARRESTED for self-defense. He has the cops believing him which I’m having a hard time with. They wouldn’t even take my report about him stealing my phone because they said that I couldn’t prove it. Then the guy who bought it on the street gave it back to me bc it had a message that it was stolen and to call me. When I went to the police they said that technically I’m not a victim anyway bc I got my phone back. so not only dealing with being played and set up by my spath, but all the other unfair stuff happening in this town. I’m suicidal and feeling like i’m going to need to shut my business down because I can’t even function. I feel that maybe this needed to happen to see his “evil” his true evil.
I guess the point of this is that I shouldn’t have taken her call because he convinced the judge that I was the reason she kicked him out because I’m a stalker. He has been setting me up for a long time. And I should have never given in and met with him. ugh it’s such a complicated story. And it makes me feel stupid

twiceinalifetime,
Also contact your States Attorney office and see what resources they have.
From this point forward document everything.
I recently had to go to court with a spath and I have to say that I did not document on paper(until I filed the protection order)but I did document it here.
The court system in my city has an advocate that can help you.
I found out about the advocate the day before my hearing and she was a lifesaver.
YOU ARE NOT STUPID..HE IS EVIL .
Do you have a lawyer?
If you do not reach out to every available resource.
I contacted the city domestic violence hotline and they were helpful as well as the National Domestic violence hotline thehotline.org 1800799SAFE
SITC

To anyone in need of some help to break free..
From my personal experience living in a major US city I have had difficulty finding a therapist that understands what we are going through.
found this link today and wanted to share.

http://verbalabusejournals.com/mentoring-program-for-domestic-violence-survivors/abuse-help-and-support-online-email-mentoring/

XOXO,
Stronginthecity

I have stopped all contact as of X-mas eve. Our last go round, I left him this time. Cut it off. Yet I am not feeling the empowerment I did.
I am new to the gray rock method. I am a month into no contact. It hasn’t stopped him from calling me at least every other night, plus contacting me through any channel of social media.. Which I do NOT open or reply. He recently just got arrested, last thursday actually. His ‘neighbor friend’ wrote me for my phone number on FB, he wanted to contact me but didn’t have it memorized. I find him incapable of having ‘non-sexual relationships with females, all are a rouse to get something he wants from them. I refused to give it out, said we’re broken up for good reason & he needed to work on himself & me on myself. I was sorry he was in that position, there’s nothing I could do for him. He knew I’d move mountains for him. I know he has many other ‘supplies’ to rely on, of which, I am seriously worried they will come do something crazy to me, my car or my house, because of course, this is ‘my fault’ he violated his probation because I was to hard to deal with so he moved into a spot of his own. I’m not sure if NO contact now in this situation is the right move. I am worried that he is going to think this is ‘all my fault’, therefore tell these crazies that I am the reason he is there & have them after me & mine. Maybe I should have some minimal contact while he is in, before sentencing, so that he isn’t mad, seeking some sort of revenge? I do not want to, but I do not want him to make up some story to convince himself & others that I am the reason he is there. HE IS! Idk how long it will take for sentencing to occur. They have to move him to another county, as of right now, he doesn’t know that I have investigated to find out why he is there. I do NOT think he’ll be getting out, unless his supplies can get tax money, but if that does happen they’ll still revoke his probation, violate him on a felony charge & hell be sent for a few years, that I know. So do I do the gray method? Do I just keep the No contact & watch my back? I am not finding relief. I am so full of anxiety & panic. I am still having a hard time believing how incapable they are of love or emotions. I just do not know what to do. Thank you all!

I am doing the best I can with no contact. Except, he just got picked up on a warrant & now hes using all his resources to get ahold of me. I am worried. I do not want to stop the NO contact but read about gray method?
I have stopped all contact as of X-mas eve. Our last go round, I left him this time. Cut it off. Yet I am not feeling the empowerment I did.
I am new to the gray rock method. I am a month into no contact. It hasn’t stopped him from calling me at least every other night, plus contacting me through any channel of social media.. Which I do NOT open or reply. He recently just got arrested, last thursday actually. His ‘neighbor friend’ wrote me for my phone number on FB, he wanted to contact me but didn’t have it memorized. I find him incapable of having ‘non-sexual relationships with females, all are a rouse to get something he wants from them. I refused to give it out, said we’re broken up for good reason & he needed to work on himself & me on myself. I was sorry he was in that position, there’s nothing I could do for him. He knew I’d move mountains for him. I know he has many other ‘supplies’ to rely on, of which, I am seriously worried they will come do something crazy to me, my car or my house, because of course, this is ‘my fault’ he violated his probation because I was to hard to deal with so he moved into a spot of his own. I’m not sure if NO contact now in this situation is the right move. I am worried that he is going to think this is ‘all my fault’, therefore tell these crazies that I am the reason he is there & have them after me & mine. Maybe I should have some minimal contact while he is in, before sentencing, so that he isn’t mad, seeking some sort of revenge? I do not want to, but I do not want him to make up some story to convince himself & others that I am the reason he is there. HE IS! Idk how long it will take for sentencing to occur. They have to move him to another county, as of right now, he doesn’t know that I have investigated to find out why he is there. I do NOT think he’ll be getting out, unless his supplies can get tax money, but if that does happen they’ll still revoke his probation, violate him on a felony charge & hell be sent for a few years, that I know. So do I do the gray method? Do I just keep the No contact & watch my back? I am not finding relief. I am so full of anxiety & panic. I am still having a hard time believing how incapable they are of love or emotions. I just do not know what to do. Thank you all!

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