This week I saw a quote on Facebook that spoke to me loud and clear “Keep shining, beautiful ones. This world needs your light” — because it immediately made me think of everyone here on Lovefraud. I imagined each and every beautiful person who reads and contributes to the site, and as I did so, my heart warmed and prompted a smile”¦ and moist eyes.
Why did I think of this community? Because I truly believe that our experiences ultimately help all of us to shine more brightly as a result. At the same time, I fully appreciate that this notion may still seem to many to be a long way off, or even an impossibility to some people here — perhaps that was what prompted the tears? Well, that together with an overwhelmingly strong (yet clearly unrealistic) urge to reach out and show those people the future. A future where you are reclaimed and reconnected with your beautiful true self — and burning brightly as a beacon of hope that helps others find their way out of the darkness.
Blessings In Disguise
For three and a bit years since I realised that my ”˜dream’ relationship was a nightmare in disguise, I have come to the place where I view my encounter as a blessing. Blessings that, at the time, were heavily camouflaged… absolutely. Painful beyond description… heck yes. Soul-shatteringly destructive, leaving me broken, exhausted, humiliated, knocked out, wiped out and on the floor… yep, you got it. Words, it appears, particularly now as I look back over what happened, seem totally inadequate when describing the hollow darkness of the weeks and months that followed my own discovery.
Like so many of us here, how can any living person be expected to function after their soul has been ripped out, stamped on and thrown out with the rubbish — whilst at the same time realizing that the architect of their downfall has been smirking during the whole process”¦? When explaining my own experiences, people have asked me how I survived. I remember asking myself the same question myself at my lowest times — I also remember sinking so far down that I even considered the alternative to survival”¦.
The thing is, though, I have come to realize that if people can live through such horrendous times (and all of us here on the site are indeed living — although some days may actually feel like ”˜barely hanging on by a thread’) then surely”¦. surely”¦ as we come through the other side we must come to truly appreciate the strength of our spirit, and be proud of who we are? Surely we must reach a place where we can recognize the energy, focus, determination and love it took to come through”¦?
The Inner Light
I have noticed that there is a light that comes from people who have successfully overcome adversity — in any shape or form, large or small, physical or mental. Yes, they also carry the battle scars, of course. But the thing that speaks most clearly for me is the determined light that shines from within. It shows in their eyes, and it can be heard in their voice. There is something subtle, inviting, and thoroughly human about these people that cannot help but inspire.
We only have to look at the upcoming Paralympics to recognize the shining light of determination and passion in every athlete who has worked to overcome physical difficulties. On the other hand there are countless newspaper stories about people who have survived murder attempts, wars, violence and all manner of human cruelty. People who have subsequently gone on to live fulfilling lives and who quietly encourage others in the process. Then there are the ”˜everyday angels’ — people who put themselves out to care for others who are in need. There are also survivors of life-threatening diseases. Then there is everyone here in the Lovefraud community — and others like us. People who are in various stages of waking up to the nightmare”¦ and journeying through to the other side.
It’s true, I know, that not everyone makes it this far — so already we are the lucky ones. And as we continue sharing our stories, supporting and guiding each other, and helping to educate others”¦ so we continue to heal and we continue to become brighter. As I said in last week’s post, we are the ones who know, who ”˜get it’ and who are already reaching out to others facing confusion and pain at the hands of a disordered personality — whatever the relationship.
It was reading though the countless posts and comments on this particular site in 2009 that helped me to make sense of the madness. That helped me realize I was not alone. That prompted me to find out as much as I possibly could about the little understood subject of sociopathy. Even though I could feel the pain in so many of the comments, at the same time I also felt inspired that people were able to share their experiences, and reach out to others for help and support.
It was this very community who, three years ago, played a major role in saving my life and easing me back on track. Your lights were shining strong to me then — your examples showed me the way, and you continue to shine today. Thank you.
I am deeply grateful for being a part of this community. And I know beyond any doubt that we are all beautiful. I also know that in our own ways each of us are indeed already shining our light, helping to brighten a world that is crying out to awaken from the darkness.
So…. Keep shining, beautiful ones. This world continues to need your light.
With love, light and gratitude to all 🙂
Mel, moist eyes, indeed. I’m just streaming, here.
I’ve been in a very, very dark space for a very, very long time, and I’m not out of the woods, yet. I don’t “feel” as if I have any “light,” at all, on most days. I feel like the batteries in my torch are just about done, and there are none to replace them, once they’re finished.
The thing that propels me is that there are “reasons” for my experiences. One reason was for me to finally “get it” about myself – my vulnerabilities that left me open to victimizaion to begin with. Another reason was to dispel the false belief that everyone in humanity is redeemable (as per my religious upbringing). To fix what’s broken with me and to acknowledge the truth that some people are un-redeemable are the two lessons that I have learned, to date.
The rest? I don’t know. There is one thing that I am coming to believe as a core value, and that is that my courage and resolve is being tested and honed. I don’t have time to hate the exspath, anymore, because I’m too occupied with trying to survive, literally. My options are few, and none of them are pleasant ones.
I’ve made a personal mandate for myself. Once I am through this mess and on my feet, I have to “Do Something.” I don’t know what that “something” is, I really don’t. But, my life’s experiences have taught me that sociopathic behaviors create a broad path of destruction – from global economy to human rights – no empathetic human being is isolated from spath behaviors. Something has to change, somehow, and in some way.
I thank you, so deeply and from my very heart, Mel, for this timely article. I may not “feel” very bright, but I have to believe that this tiny ember of humanity can be fanned into a flame, at some point.
Brightest blessings and my deepest gratitude
Dearest Truthspeak
Thank you for your comment – I felt absolutely compelled to respond. Rest assured, Beautiful One, your light and your love shine through even now, through the words you write and the courage you show. You may not ‘feel’ it yet…. and I guess the ember of humanity that you describe may well even seem different from anything you’ve previously known. Because… as you continue to move through and out of that darkness, you will indeed recognise and appreciate yourself in new ways you hadn’t noticed before. So don’t expect to feel anything you already know… it’s going to be even better 😉
Hang on in there, you’re doing great. Sending you huge hugs and love. Mel xxx
Mel, hugs and love back to you. Your articles somehow appear when I need to read them – as do all of the articles on LoveFraud.
I keep telling myself that there will come a time when I will feel bright, again.
Brightest blessings to you
I want to shout out that this post was for me!!!
I had an awful experience with my therapist of 3 years regarding her refusal to read any of the books that helped me basically to keep living..She will not read them..I have explained how they perfectly articulate my experiences, break it down finding some sanity and how little knowledge is out there on psychopathy. I have explained that what she has discussed about “P” is not the same as Robert Hare’s definition(whom she had not heard of) and that it would be so beneficial for her with what she does. Apparently she has been offended, told me to stay off of these sites, that she is being obedient to God because the books are of darkness (and mind you, she has a Phd in psychology) and for me to start reading the one book that counts, the bible. Of course the rejection and lack of support hurt but my anger at her ignorance for not wanting a victims truth (as she saw my deep anguish, balling tears, every step of the way) which is revealed professionally from other victims, doctors etc…
I personally believe that I am recovering and can breathe fresh air now…I have the desire to do everything your article said, and mainly to possibly help even one person along the way and attempting to gently educate the public. I just thought my therapist and pastor (who work together) would be a perfect place for me to “deliver the news”….After they spoke to one another, they both are in agreement not read any books. Please know, my Pastor has his masters and teaches at a university on psychopathy!! He frequently references the term prior or during his sermons..I am getting angry as I write this…My therapist advised me that I was getting “Obsessed” with this…I knew then that although she has been there for me over the years during and after the relationship, she really doesnt understand the power it had over me or the light that is coming through me today (and it is an awesome light!!) I do agree on feeding the Spirit and mind with (in my personal case) the Bible. My personal growth has been amazing over the last 6 months..I have had painful breakthroughs and I know that a stronger than ever person is evolving.
I dont think I am truly explaining this with all the details I would like but that would take forever. I do know, when I read this article, I found love and truth. I saw me in it. The timing couldnt have been more right on!! Gives me chills..good chills:)
alivetoday,
That therapist and pastor of yours don’t seem to me to deserve any degree on learning and teaching. I do find that there are people who never cared about learning something or anything at all, unless for direct profit… and then there are people who grab every opportunity that comes along in their life to learn something.
Personally, my life motto is “That life ends where we stop learning.”
Psychologists, those with a PhD. are only required to take one course on Personality disorders including Psychopathy, Sociopathy, Anti-social personality disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder and Boarder-line personality disorder. These are the five most dangerous disorders to society and the others include Obsessive compulsive disorder, Histrionic disorder, Avoidant personality disorder, Dependent personality disorder, etc., etc. One course covering all of these illnesses. This is not enough to enable even a PhD. to understand what s/he is dealing with without more experience. Other counselors take no coursework on these dangerous people.
The extent and dangers of these non-human vampires is only being recently recognized in the field of psychology. They were first identified almost exclusively as Serial killers. Now science is discovering that Serial killers are only the most drastic of a much wider and still very dangerous type of disorder that cannot be cured or treated. Read Women who Love Psychopaths, check out the books on this site and on http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/, or go on to the more technical books on Amazon and read the reviews. I have read a dozen at least..including text books. The book, Pathological Altruism is only for the very curious and serious inquirer.
What I really intended to post before I went off on the lack of education of professionals on psychopathy was to tell about my initial recovery of my life after ten years with a psychopath.
I guess I did my learning, grieving and recovery before it ended. When he left to move in with another woman it was like God had granted all of my prayers. He was out of my life, had another woman to keep him occupied and my children and I were free at last. Our life became like a fairy tale…all of the acting out by the children stopped almost instantaneously. I became a new person and felt like Superwoman. I could hold down a job, be a mother, fix my car, refinish my floors, paint my walls, go to PTA, get my children into T-ball, ballet, etc., go out with friends and finally on dates. It was the most wonderful time of my life. It was like being reborn from a living death.
It did not last forever because I have children and he started by taking away my son when he was 14…now he has been working on my daughter for 15 years. But for those of you who do not have children with a psychopath, thank your lucky stars and let your light shine more brilliantly than it ever has before because you are special. You encountered the devil himself and lived to tell about it. You are more powerful than you know.
He picked you because you were special. You had qualities that he can never have. You have empathy, truthfulness, love, honor, strength, joy…all the things he wanted to take away from you because he can never have them himself. Now you have them back and you are a survivor. Let your bright light shine, share your information to help others, be courageous in the world because you had to be courageous to survive. Bless you all and may all of our lights shine together until these vampires are defeated.
We are one and all the beautiful ones. Thank you all for being here, sharing your stories, your strength and your light.
betsybugs: thank you for your nice post.
Ten years; hm? Me too. Only the last five have been an absolute NIGHTMARE.
Oh yes, I can relate to that feeling about it being gone and having someone else babysitting it, almost.
COMPLETELY RELATE.
I am so sorry that you have children with this horrid person.
You sound like an absolutely amazing and wonderful “Mom” and as long as you keep giving to your children and teaching them right from wrong, you will be fine. (((BIG HUGS 2 U)))
Your last paragraph was like speaking directly to me; you said:
“…But for those of you who do not have children with a psychopath, thank your lucky stars and let your light shine more brilliantly than it ever has before because you are special. You encountered the devil himself and lived to tell about it. You are more powerful than you know.
He picked you because you were special. You had qualities that he can never have. You have empathy, truthfulness, love, honor, strength, joy”all the things he wanted to take away from you because he can never have them himself. Now you have them back and you are a survivor. Let your bright light shine, share your information to help others, be courageous in the world because you had to be courageous to survive. Bless you all and may all of our lights shine together until these vampires are defeated.”
I couldn’t agree with you more.
Thanks again for your great post and welcome to the soul sucker annihilating club. I had an ugly one. It’s scary. Real scary. I have been stalked the last ten years by a psychopath who has threatened to kill me and has tried.
I am fine. Everything has settled down.
We ARE the beautiful ones.
Thanks for being with us and standing with us.
I wish you peace and endless happiness.
Dupey
Off topic – any word on OxD’s recovery?
Betsybugs,
you are so right. I do thank my lucky stars I didn’t have children with my ex. He always wanted to have a baby with me …..even though he had 3 children already that he wouldn’t support. I can’t believe it now when I look back. I was so mesmerised by him that I let him treat me like a baby making machine…..amongst other things; surrogate mother to him, housekeeper, emotional punchbag…etc,etc.
I’ve always felt sorry for his exes. He hated it if I sympathised with them telling me I wasn’t there so how could I possibly know what happened. They were awful to HIM you see? He tried to blame them…..saying – you don’t know what that woman put me through. Didn’t take me long to realise I was going to receive the same treatment. One of my parting shots to him has been that I have joined the ranks of all these women that have loved him. Now I understand why I couldn’t love him right. He would say Your love, Strongawoman, is the weakest I’ve ever known. Oh that would cut me. And of course I would try harder. He would attack me and when I defended myself, he would say why you doing that? There’s no need, I’m only saying…….
Anyway I digress. Sometimes it’s hard not to get triggered by something and then I go off on a rant. Thank you for your kind words. They lifted me this morning.