This week I saw a quote on Facebook that spoke to me loud and clear “Keep shining, beautiful ones. This world needs your light” — because it immediately made me think of everyone here on Lovefraud. I imagined each and every beautiful person who reads and contributes to the site, and as I did so, my heart warmed and prompted a smile”¦ and moist eyes.
Why did I think of this community? Because I truly believe that our experiences ultimately help all of us to shine more brightly as a result. At the same time, I fully appreciate that this notion may still seem to many to be a long way off, or even an impossibility to some people here — perhaps that was what prompted the tears? Well, that together with an overwhelmingly strong (yet clearly unrealistic) urge to reach out and show those people the future. A future where you are reclaimed and reconnected with your beautiful true self — and burning brightly as a beacon of hope that helps others find their way out of the darkness.
Blessings In Disguise
For three and a bit years since I realised that my ”˜dream’ relationship was a nightmare in disguise, I have come to the place where I view my encounter as a blessing. Blessings that, at the time, were heavily camouflaged… absolutely. Painful beyond description… heck yes. Soul-shatteringly destructive, leaving me broken, exhausted, humiliated, knocked out, wiped out and on the floor… yep, you got it. Words, it appears, particularly now as I look back over what happened, seem totally inadequate when describing the hollow darkness of the weeks and months that followed my own discovery.
Like so many of us here, how can any living person be expected to function after their soul has been ripped out, stamped on and thrown out with the rubbish — whilst at the same time realizing that the architect of their downfall has been smirking during the whole process”¦? When explaining my own experiences, people have asked me how I survived. I remember asking myself the same question myself at my lowest times — I also remember sinking so far down that I even considered the alternative to survival”¦.
The thing is, though, I have come to realize that if people can live through such horrendous times (and all of us here on the site are indeed living — although some days may actually feel like ”˜barely hanging on by a thread’) then surely”¦. surely”¦ as we come through the other side we must come to truly appreciate the strength of our spirit, and be proud of who we are? Surely we must reach a place where we can recognize the energy, focus, determination and love it took to come through”¦?
The Inner Light
I have noticed that there is a light that comes from people who have successfully overcome adversity — in any shape or form, large or small, physical or mental. Yes, they also carry the battle scars, of course. But the thing that speaks most clearly for me is the determined light that shines from within. It shows in their eyes, and it can be heard in their voice. There is something subtle, inviting, and thoroughly human about these people that cannot help but inspire.
We only have to look at the upcoming Paralympics to recognize the shining light of determination and passion in every athlete who has worked to overcome physical difficulties. On the other hand there are countless newspaper stories about people who have survived murder attempts, wars, violence and all manner of human cruelty. People who have subsequently gone on to live fulfilling lives and who quietly encourage others in the process. Then there are the ”˜everyday angels’ — people who put themselves out to care for others who are in need. There are also survivors of life-threatening diseases. Then there is everyone here in the Lovefraud community — and others like us. People who are in various stages of waking up to the nightmare”¦ and journeying through to the other side.
It’s true, I know, that not everyone makes it this far — so already we are the lucky ones. And as we continue sharing our stories, supporting and guiding each other, and helping to educate others”¦ so we continue to heal and we continue to become brighter. As I said in last week’s post, we are the ones who know, who ”˜get it’ and who are already reaching out to others facing confusion and pain at the hands of a disordered personality — whatever the relationship.
It was reading though the countless posts and comments on this particular site in 2009 that helped me to make sense of the madness. That helped me realize I was not alone. That prompted me to find out as much as I possibly could about the little understood subject of sociopathy. Even though I could feel the pain in so many of the comments, at the same time I also felt inspired that people were able to share their experiences, and reach out to others for help and support.
It was this very community who, three years ago, played a major role in saving my life and easing me back on track. Your lights were shining strong to me then — your examples showed me the way, and you continue to shine today. Thank you.
I am deeply grateful for being a part of this community. And I know beyond any doubt that we are all beautiful. I also know that in our own ways each of us are indeed already shining our light, helping to brighten a world that is crying out to awaken from the darkness.
So…. Keep shining, beautiful ones. This world continues to need your light.
With love, light and gratitude to all 🙂
Hi everyone. I haven’t posted here for a good long while. Maybe 18 months-2 years. I wanted to kind of ‘come back’ to update people on the journey that I’ve been on. I wanted to call my post “LoveFraud- The gift that keeps on giving”. Basically I’m back on the site because I ‘got burned’ by another Narcissistic/Psychopath. (Again LOL)
Anyway – it happens that -I had moved on with my life and was doing well – when along came an artistic type, with no money, but some evident talent and a very well developed ‘hard luck story’. Anyway kind of foolishly – I did get involved (my rescuer profiles/history of abuse from narc parents and general tendency to ‘just not get why’ narcs and socios are attracted to me – all of this led me to ‘give the guy a chance’).
Well over 6 months, he sucked £2000 from me and was very verbally abusive. This was interspersed with the odd comment about ‘no-one had ever helped him the way that I had helped him now” (Uggggh)
BUT — the good new is that I was listening to a verbally abusive rant one day…. he said “you have failed me in every way that it is possible to fail me” (Ugggh)
I actually started laughing’ inside. I recognised that I’d been here before, that Ox Driver, Hens, Erin 1972 and many others had had this conversation with me. I kind of got embarrassed and said OMG – “I’ve done it again!!” ie. let a predator into my home. But I’m pleased to say that LF saved me – cos I called the police, got a Non Molestation Order. Now the only problem I have is the occassional text message telling me “You are too strong for me – you destroyed me – blah blah blah”. This from the man who spent 3 hours shouting at me and calling me c***t b**tch wh*re etc. And try to convince me that the best way to get my money back was to lend him some more. I’m kind of embarrassed that another onen ‘got back in’. But I thank God etc for LF. It’s almost like I’m being tested by bigger and bigger predators. Anyway. Peace to all. Bless you Oxy et al. You have saved my life – this one was even more dangerous than the last.
Hens,
hope you’re ok my friend.
Delta1, hello. What a horrific exp for you. Another one! Glad you escaped without too much damage. Unfortunately there are personality types that attract these scumbags…..I’m def one of em. My ex is not the first spath I have encountered either….I didn’t know that until I came here and discovered where I’d been going wrong. For most of my adult life.
Anyway, welcome back. Are you staying single now? lol
Greetings from SW
Yeppers – definately staying single. Having some therapy. I need to get to the bottom about why I care for everyone more than I care for myself – even tho I’m a wicked cool and very strong woman in most areas of my life. Lovelife always a disaster.
Thanx for your good wishes
Well Amen to that ….”even tho I’m a wicked cool and very strong woman in most areas of my life. Lovelife always a disaster.”
I can very much identify….I don’t seem to be attracted to normal men.
Good luck in your quest.
Thank you hun. You too
Delta1, it HAS been a long, long time since I saw your ID on this site! Aside from the recent experience, I hope that you’re well.
Your post sounds strong and resolute. Okay, so another one wormed its way in, and that happens. But, think about it for just a minute: if you had NOT been informed and education, how long would that entanglement have continued?
GOOD GIRL!!!!!!!! And, every exposure is a lesson. I’m one of those “rescuer” types, as well, and I really, really, REALLY have to rescue myself. Good for you, Delta1!
Towanda to you and brightest blessings!
Delta,
I don’t know you but XXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
wow.
You got out in 6 months. YES!
Mofo got kicked to the curb!
Get back to school and learn why you are being targeted and what is drawing you in. You got some work to do, Girl!
It’s just another step in the school of life. Thanks for posting that awesome story.
Hens,
tell us what’s up. We’re always here for you. You know that.
Thanks everyone. I have to be honest there are alot of differences to ‘last time’. Of course it sucks that I didn’t act on the red flags early enough.
Those red flags are always there, but the ‘secret’ is recognising when a ‘honeymoon period’ is a ‘set up/toxic’. I want to share that I think maybe one of the keys to avoiding predators lies within the very first few days of meeting them.
I’m such an open and friendly person, actually relatively confident, non-judgemental and ‘open-minded’. I think that whilst these are very good traits to have – they can be used against me by predators and personality disordered individuals (PDs).
I’m the one that will ‘give someone a chance’ where others would not – again a good character trait…….but only sometimes LOL
So – I’m resolved to be ‘more judgemental this year – LOL’. It’s possible to be ‘surfaced friendly’ and leave it at that when you come accross a red flag – I’m like ‘move on’ now when I spot a red flag. Before I might have hung around to see ‘what’s behind the mask’. I seem to have this interest in trying to ‘understand’ personality disordered people!!! It’s useful in my work (some of you may remember I work in child protection). But not in my personal life.
The difference between my most recent experience and my last experience is that – this time I realised quickly what i was dealing with and was actually trying to ‘get out’ after 3 months of seeing the guy. I’d lent him money to do an exhibition on the basis that he is clearly a very talented artist. However, it quickly became clear from observing him and listening to him that he is talented – but personality disordered in a major way. I quickly worked out why such a talented artist was doing so very, very badly and that all his efforts to establish his art career had come to nothing. Of course he had a massive ‘hard luck story’ – agents that had ripped him off, other artists who’d ‘stolen his ideas’ etc, girlfriends who hadn’t supported him etc and a trail of ‘enemies in the art world’ who were out to ‘get him and bring him down because they are jealous’ etc etc.
In my prior experience with a PD a somatic narcissist- I didn’t ‘spot the con’ until a long way into the relationship – the honeymoon period was quite long.
I actually think the abusive ‘honeymoon’ period is more head twisty than the ‘active abuse’. You know when someone is shouting at you that it’s abuse. It’s when they tell you they love you whilst doing nasty, sneaky sh*t that your mental wheels really come off in my opinion.
In the lastest experience the PD’s mask came off pretty damn quick. He became more abusive, more severely abusive and more quickly abusive than the last guy I had been duped by. Hence having to involve the police etc as when he realised that I really was serious about getting him out of my life – he was threatening to ‘blackmail’ me to my friends and at work- and was constantly coming to my house late at night etc. The only ‘positive’ is that although the behaviour was criminal, abusive and nasty – it was over and done much quicker.
The other major difference is that the new PD never really got to mess with my mind in the same way. Once I was really ‘seeing’ the red flags I protected myself mentally whilst trying to get out the relationsh*t. For example I didn’t tell him personal information he could use against me – I even ‘misinformed him’ about a few matters – i.e. told him that I’d got significant debts (I don’t), that I was feeling depressed and was drinking too much alcohol (I was not), that I really wanted to get married and settle down (also ‘not right now’). I quietly made plans and gathered my friends and resources around me. I knew from LF what the likely ‘consequences’ of trying to leave this man’s controlling ways would be. He’d spotted a juicy mealticket and he wouldn’t want to let go of his prize in a hurry.
Sure enough – in the ‘leaving phase’ – all things were thrown at me – “you can’t manage money – you should let me help you”, “if you’re depressed, you deserve it ‘cos you’re really messed up etc – but I could be there for you if you would just open up to me”, and “no one will ever marry a c**t like you, followed by demands quickly to have ‘make-up’ sex”. He threatened to tell work that I was mentally unstable (depression/alcoholism) and shouldn’t be working in Child Protection etc.
Do you know what – I didn’t like his nasty aggressive and blackmailing behaviour – but it almost made me laugh sometimes. If I’d really told him my ‘deepest darkest secrets” – some of these barbs, cons, tricks and abuses could really, really have hurt and ‘hooked me in deep’ and kept me in the relationsh*t for longer.
To protect yourself from these types, you need to understand the way they think. I am never guarded with my ‘normal and true’ friends. I don’t ‘tell tales or untruths’ in dealing with normal people. So if I notice myself acting in a ‘crazy’ way – a way that I wouldn’t normally – very often it’s because I’m dealing with a personality disordered person in front of me.
I hope that helps anyone who maybe feels ‘ashamed’ of any crazy behaviour around the PD in their life. We’ve all done it. But listen – it’s not crazy or bad behaviour to PROTECT YOURSELF from a predator. Sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do to! (Or a guy LOL).
Delta1, wow…..just, wow.
I’m so grateful that you saw the jerk for what he was and put and end to it, quickly. And, you are spot-on about sharing “deepest darkest secrets.”
I also used to be one of “those people” who was trusting of everyone and was always ready (and, willing) to disclose. Oh, no……I’m learning about my boundaries on a daily basis, and the most priceless thing that I’ve learned is that my boundaries are MINE (caps are for emphasis, only), and I am the only person that holds the key to the gate. Yeah, there are spots in my boundaries that are in dire need of repair, but I’m working on that, every day.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and conclusions. It’s good to “see” you back!
Brightest blessings
Hey Ev1..
Sorry for my pity party..
Sky, it’s the marine. The lady is going to put her house on the market and move about 40 miles, to be closer to her daughter. The lady say’s she will still have plenty of work for me but her attitude is cool. So I am prolly over reacting but I think the Marine is out to sabotage me,, I will be ok, I can find plenty of work but I am talking about a 20 year employee/employer relationship. So I am not sure whats up..sorry if I worried anyone.