This week I saw a quote on Facebook that spoke to me loud and clear “Keep shining, beautiful ones. This world needs your light” — because it immediately made me think of everyone here on Lovefraud. I imagined each and every beautiful person who reads and contributes to the site, and as I did so, my heart warmed and prompted a smile”¦ and moist eyes.
Why did I think of this community? Because I truly believe that our experiences ultimately help all of us to shine more brightly as a result. At the same time, I fully appreciate that this notion may still seem to many to be a long way off, or even an impossibility to some people here — perhaps that was what prompted the tears? Well, that together with an overwhelmingly strong (yet clearly unrealistic) urge to reach out and show those people the future. A future where you are reclaimed and reconnected with your beautiful true self — and burning brightly as a beacon of hope that helps others find their way out of the darkness.
Blessings In Disguise
For three and a bit years since I realised that my ”˜dream’ relationship was a nightmare in disguise, I have come to the place where I view my encounter as a blessing. Blessings that, at the time, were heavily camouflaged… absolutely. Painful beyond description… heck yes. Soul-shatteringly destructive, leaving me broken, exhausted, humiliated, knocked out, wiped out and on the floor… yep, you got it. Words, it appears, particularly now as I look back over what happened, seem totally inadequate when describing the hollow darkness of the weeks and months that followed my own discovery.
Like so many of us here, how can any living person be expected to function after their soul has been ripped out, stamped on and thrown out with the rubbish — whilst at the same time realizing that the architect of their downfall has been smirking during the whole process”¦? When explaining my own experiences, people have asked me how I survived. I remember asking myself the same question myself at my lowest times — I also remember sinking so far down that I even considered the alternative to survival”¦.
The thing is, though, I have come to realize that if people can live through such horrendous times (and all of us here on the site are indeed living — although some days may actually feel like ”˜barely hanging on by a thread’) then surely”¦. surely”¦ as we come through the other side we must come to truly appreciate the strength of our spirit, and be proud of who we are? Surely we must reach a place where we can recognize the energy, focus, determination and love it took to come through”¦?
The Inner Light
I have noticed that there is a light that comes from people who have successfully overcome adversity — in any shape or form, large or small, physical or mental. Yes, they also carry the battle scars, of course. But the thing that speaks most clearly for me is the determined light that shines from within. It shows in their eyes, and it can be heard in their voice. There is something subtle, inviting, and thoroughly human about these people that cannot help but inspire.
We only have to look at the upcoming Paralympics to recognize the shining light of determination and passion in every athlete who has worked to overcome physical difficulties. On the other hand there are countless newspaper stories about people who have survived murder attempts, wars, violence and all manner of human cruelty. People who have subsequently gone on to live fulfilling lives and who quietly encourage others in the process. Then there are the ”˜everyday angels’ — people who put themselves out to care for others who are in need. There are also survivors of life-threatening diseases. Then there is everyone here in the Lovefraud community — and others like us. People who are in various stages of waking up to the nightmare”¦ and journeying through to the other side.
It’s true, I know, that not everyone makes it this far — so already we are the lucky ones. And as we continue sharing our stories, supporting and guiding each other, and helping to educate others”¦ so we continue to heal and we continue to become brighter. As I said in last week’s post, we are the ones who know, who ”˜get it’ and who are already reaching out to others facing confusion and pain at the hands of a disordered personality — whatever the relationship.
It was reading though the countless posts and comments on this particular site in 2009 that helped me to make sense of the madness. That helped me realize I was not alone. That prompted me to find out as much as I possibly could about the little understood subject of sociopathy. Even though I could feel the pain in so many of the comments, at the same time I also felt inspired that people were able to share their experiences, and reach out to others for help and support.
It was this very community who, three years ago, played a major role in saving my life and easing me back on track. Your lights were shining strong to me then — your examples showed me the way, and you continue to shine today. Thank you.
I am deeply grateful for being a part of this community. And I know beyond any doubt that we are all beautiful. I also know that in our own ways each of us are indeed already shining our light, helping to brighten a world that is crying out to awaken from the darkness.
So…. Keep shining, beautiful ones. This world continues to need your light.
With love, light and gratitude to all 🙂
darwins.. thanks for telling about darwin’s history..he give’s you lot’s o love I am sure..I have to confess I am not a cat person. I have had several cat’s in my life, I will always remember Tiger my siameze cat he was so cool….
I would love to get two more dachshunds, a male and female and name them Nicknack and Pattywack..Nick and Patty…but I am to old and fear I wouldnt out live them. Beside’s my girls Cricket and Posey ( mother and daughter )would never forgive me if I did. I lost Harley (14) back in the spring and miss him so much..
one/joy_step_at_a_time~ The link you posted above is excellent.
I was trying to explain the difference between PTSD and C-PTSD to my mom because I was diagnosed with it. Her husband is an Air Force Colonel who has been to war and has suffered bouts of PTSD so she understood that part. I sent her the link. You can practically substitute the word sociopath for bully and the information applies.
Also, there is a ton of really good information when you open the links. I really liked the part that explains who they pick to bully and why.
In some weird way it feels good to know that we have traits that they are envious of and that we are the kind of people that they will never, ever be. Maybe, with that knowledge, they suffer endlessly. One could only hope. I think it also explains why the LF board is so full of incredibly empathetic, caring, intelligent and strong people. The kind of people that spaths are jealous of and want to destroy. (In this online world we can be amazingly gorgeous as well, lol)
Hi AnnieO, I am really impressed with it also. I bookmarked it and plan to go back again. It more fully explains what has happened to me through my experience with spaths, narcs, environmental illness, and the just plain douche bag bullies I rent from and have dealt with in my apt. building, and in the last area I lived it (douche bag student bullies). It really was a very big help to read about complex ptsd…somehow i missed out on info about it before.
Hens,
Yeah cats and dogs are very different, and it’s completely normal that one person finds it easier with either cats or dogs. In all of my life I was without posessing a cat perhaps no more than 3 month (since I was a baby)s. I like the dogs that I get personally acquainted with, but I’m also fearful of them in general since I was bitten several times by dogs when I was a kid.
Dupey, ugh spaths and pets…
Ex-spath professed to have animal love but I saw very soon that he was irresponsible with them. ONe time we were sitting on the curb in front of his dad’s house towards the morning. A kitten was trying to be let in at some house across the street. It certainly wasn’t a stray imo. He lured it to us and then tried to “teach” me how to meke it your own. He went to get some butter, smeared it on its paws and then called it his. It was the silliest nonsense I had ever seen. But I didn’t even bother to tell him that it was retty much a myth, that a kitten is affectionate to anyone petting them and giving them food. Anyway he took it in, b ut didn’t get food for it and didn’t get a box with some sand for litter either. I got the food and told him to get it a box, because it couldn’t get in the backyard at night when the doors were closed. I noticed that over the days he hardly noticed the kitten at all anymore and when he did, he spoke ill of it. I think it was because I gave it proper attention and the kitten started to bond with me. Of course it ended up pooping in corners and even in his luggage; then he called it a bad and dirty animal, took it by the scruff and hurled it at the neigbours’ courtyard to be taken care of by them.
He often cited how he loved his pitt bull he had once, for a year, btu it died being run over by a car. That’s what seemed to happen to lots of the dogs. It even happened to the maltezer his dad got, after the ex spath had to return to Nicaragua. Hiswasn’t allowed to walk that dog anymore after that. Still he walked it with me one day (I didn’t know about him not being allowed to walk the dog). His father later said he trusted me with the dog, but not him.
He did the butter the paws to take possession with Darwin as well, which I thought completely ridiculous. Darwin had been adopted by me for a year already. Overall it was a positive experience for Darwin though… he was noticeably more willing to approach visitors afterwards. I don’t think he ever actually hurt him, but he did try to create opportunities for Darwin to end up lost with the open doors. It’s just a good thing that Darwin preferred to hide somewhere better inside (he actually only started to dare to sniff around the landing at the staircase beyond the front door about a month ago). But ex-spath was obviously envious if Darwin was sleeping contently in my lap. One time he scared him on purpose ‘as a joke’ and I ended up with scratches all over my arm and neck. When I yelped in pain he said I was exaggerating. Showed him the ugly red scratches, which was of course what I suppose he hoped to happen.
That’s the way he worked… opportunities of accidents and incidents, with animals and stuff, or in the case of the kitten create an excuse for him to discard it. He lost and broke so much stuff, and yet called me the clumsy one. LOL! What I didn’t realize back then was that he wasn’t clumsy, just pretending to be.
This is the only place where I find understanding, peace and reassurance that there’s nothing wrong with me- it’s Spath that made me feel so terribly inadequate, unloveable and totally responsible for his evil behaviour. You have given me me encouragement through posting the quote. I wish this low, low feeling of utter hopelessness would end, and I wish the tears would stop.
Darwinsmom, yes….the exspath professed to “love” our pets, as well, but he was always hard-put to care for them. They claim to “love” all of the time, but it’s just another word that helps to keep their masks glued on.
Shell, for me, I found tremendous help on this site, but I also engaged in counseling therapy with someone who “gets it.” Since I lost my transportation, I haven’t been able to continue sessions when I’ve needed them the most, and this site is a lifesaver, to be sure.
I tend to go through cycles of emotions, and I believe that this will begin to subside when I’m somewhat settled, somwhere else.
You will be fine, Shell, in due time. It’s quite a different process to heal from spath entanglements than most other catastrophes.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak, you are so right about counselling therapy. Only problem is I can’t seem to find a suitable one that understands what we’ve been through. So far, every highly recommended therapist I’ve seen is happily married – never been through a divorce, let alone one to a Spath.
My spath gets his staff who work under him to follow me, check on my whereabouts, even his current bedfriend followed me. But, you can’t get that on camera or prove it in any way, so when it drives you to the edge and you feel you can’t cope anymore, the doctor gives me calming tabs and tells me I’m overreacting and being paranoid. Private calls to my landline and cellphone all hours of the day and night. Someone is on the other side, but they won’t talk. In 3 years since my divorce, I’ve had two friendships with other women and he has destroyed the first one and almost the 2nd one too. I don’t panic easily,my life with Spath taught me that very well, but when a guy tries to make friendly conversation and I see where he’s heading, I freeze and become fearful – almost like a panic attack I suppose. No contact is the real answer for me, but I have no solution to dropping my 7-yrs old son off to see Spath over weekends and to fetch him in the evening. My son enjoys the material things his father gives him, but he won’t sleep over. My Spath went as far as molesting his stepdaughter (my precious daughter) and she refuses to see him even though he adopted her. She turns 21 in 3wks with neither her real father nor her adoptive father, and not even my real father showing any interest in her at all.
Thank you for the inspirational thoughts and words.
The trouble I am having is in trying to explain how intense and raw my experience was while with this man to my family especially my sister – who says that she too was with an emotional abusive man. She downgrades what I say and thinks I am exaggerating when I tell her things that he said or did. For instance, if I tell her something and then after I tell her something that he did prior to that she looks at me like I am lying or that I am trying to make the story “bigger” then what it is. She says she supports me but I don’t feel she does at all. Today she let me borrow her car to go to counseling but when I got back she had a go at me for missing out on something! She said “it’s all about you”, which actually really hurt because it’s not all about me and it wasn’t the entire time I was in the relationship with my ex. So how could she say that!. I have decided to push her out of my life until I am better and can talk properly and function better again. I find myself stumbling words and have a bad memory but she sees it as me lying.
I wish I had more support and I thought she would be my ‘light’ but she’s not. Good luck to everyone else out there.