By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
If you are not willing to learn,
No one can help you.
If you are determined to learn,
No one can stop you.
A friend shared that saying with me today in an email and it made me think about what we say here at Lovefraud when we encourage a new poster to read and learn about psychopaths, to arm themselves with knowledge: “Knowledge is power.”
Knowledge is a powerful tool in our lives. If we have no education, we are powerless, as we see in people who have dropped out of school illiterate. We encourage our children to do the best they can in school, to go on to higher education, so that they are better prepared in life, have more power to determine their life course.
In dealing with a psychopath, our knowledge of them is important. It shows us what to expect out of them, and that we are not going to be able to help them. Our knowledge of the psychopaths shows us that we must take care of ourselves (and our children) first and not worry about trying to “fix” the psychopath. Our knowledge of the psychopaths shows us that the best way to defend ourselves is No Contact. Our knowledge shows us that No Contact protects us from further wounds and that each and every time we break this “contract with ourselves,” we are injured, wounded.
Learning about ourselves
The knowledge that gives us power, though, isn’t limited to knowledge about psychopaths. Our power-giving knowledge extends to learning about ourselves. I’ve often said here that, “It starts out learning about them, but ends up with us learning about ourselves.” The more I learn, the more I realize that what I have learned about psychopaths is small indeed compared to the huge amount I have learned about myself.
The learning about the psychopath encourages me to stay no contact and to realize that they are dangerous, but the learning about myself has encouraged me to change. The learning has encouraged me to learn what I need to know to keep myself safe from the next trolling psychopath looking for a vulnerable victim. It has also taught me how to set boundaries, and how important boundaries are for keeping me safe from anyonewho would use or abuse me in any way.
The knowledge I have gained has also made me take a long, hard look at my own “moral compass,” what I know to be right and what I know to be wrong. It has made me more determined to hold fast to keep myself on that “straight and narrow” path of the “do right” rule. If I am doing right, I know that I am doing okay. It makes me realize that the people I want in my “circle of intimacy” are also people who adhere to the “do right” rule and are honest, trustworthy and reliable. The Bible says that “evil companions corrupt good morals,” and this is right. If we are around people who do dishonest things, then those things become more “normalized,” and we tend to think, “ah, it’s not so bad, everyone does it.” So the people we associate with have a profound influence on our own moral compass. Just as I wouldn’t want my kids running around with or associating with “thugs,” I also need to be cautious of who I associate with.
I am worthy
Learning more about myself, and what I want out of life, has also taught me that I am worthy of being treated the way I want to be treated. I deserve to be treated well by those I associate with. I treat others well, but I will also expect that they will treat me well as well. I will not associate with those who treat me poorly.
I have also learned that I must treat myself as well as I expect others to treat me. This means that I stop doing things to my body that are likely to cause health problems: over eating, over drinking, use of nicotine or other drugs, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, lack of proper medical care. I will care for myself well—mentally, physically and spiritually.
Responsibilities
Meeting my responsibilities to myself is important, but meeting my responsibilities to others is also important. Seeing that my children are properly taken care of, and parented well, that my job is done well both at home and at my employment are important aspects of the life plan for myself. I will allot my available time in such a way that all my responsibilities are met in a timely manner, and that includes recreation and relaxation.
Another thing I have learned about myself is that, in the past, I tended to take on as “my responsibility” things that were actually not my responsibilities. I had been taught and believed from an early age that other people’s happiness was my responsibility. I have now learned that I am not responsible for others’ happiness. They are responsible for their own happiness. By not taking on things that are not my responsibility, I have more time for myself and those things I am responsible for.
In addition, I have learned that now that my kids are grown and my husband passed away, I am not responsible for providing room, board and shelter for anyone, no matter who they are. While I believe that it is my duty to share with others less fortunate than myself, it is not my responsibility to provide for those who are unwilling to provide for themselves. My hospitality to my friends and family is entirely voluntary on my part. When people come to my house, it is my house, my rules.
Taking back my power
Knowledge indeed is power. I have assumed my power. I’d like to think I have taken “back” my power, but I’m not sure I ever really knew I had it, or if I did, I sure didn’t use it when I didn’t take care of myself, and took on responsibilities for others that were not legitimately mine. I didn’t exercise my power when I allowed others to repeatedly use and abuse me.
Now that I know better, I am doing better. I am taking care of myself, allowing others to take responsibility for themselves, even if they fail. I am setting boundaries and eliminating the people in my life who do not share a complementary moral compass. My life is starting to be filled with joy and peace, love and laughter, because it is not weighted down with cares brought on by lack of knowledge or by failing to use that knowledge to take care of myself.
Learn and take hold of your power!
Great article, thank you for posting it! The part that really struck me, personally, is the part about responsibility. I am currently struggling with where my duty to my almost-grown children begins and ends, especially if I take on another relationship in my old age. How do I divide my financial responsibilities between my children and my partner (who had nothing to do with the raising of my children)? I do not currently have a commitment to such a partner, but it is under consideration. I mean, it is easier when you meet when you are young, debt-free, child-free, and go through life’s ups and downs together, whether you acquire debt or wealth — it is together. But what about if you meet when you are close to retirement age, and one person is heavily burdened with debt and the other one has no debt but not a lot of money and not a high income? Does the solvent one have a duty to self and children to remain solvent and not get dragged down by the burden of the one with all of the debt? Or does the solvent one have a duty to take on the previously-acquired burdens of a late-in-life spouse? I’m not talking about dividing inheritances; I’m talking about maintaining one’s solvency until one’s death, so as not to be a burden on society or one’s adult children.
It is always easier to choose to be single and independent, if no one appears who is a wonderful match for you. But if someone like that does show up, then the questions about duty get tougher.
20 years,
That was a great article.. I agree.
You posed some good questions about responsibility and support of others. I think much depends on your potential future partner and what he (or she) is willing to contribute financially. My sense would be to keep your finances separate as much as possible, at least until the children are grown and on their on. In the meantime, your partner may be willing to contribute a set amount towards your children’s expenses until they are self-reliant. You are smart to consider all of this before making a commitment.
20 years,
Thank you. To answer your questions I agree with Hurt95–my husband and I married when he was 55 and I was 40 and I had kids (teenagers still) at home.
Even though we had known each other for almost 30 years previously and trusted each other completely, we had a pre-nup drawn up and for about 10 years kept our finances separate. After that they ended up being co-mingled when we moved here to the farm….and actually, after his death his kids received no financial inheritance from him due to the co-mingling of our finances…there just wasn’t a way to separate it since it was pretty much all tied up here in the farm where he build his little airport on my family’s land. But the way he and I both look at it is that it was HIS money, he earned it and had a right to spend it on anything he wanted do and if it meant that his adult kids didn’t get a financial inheritance after his death…so be it. HE earned it. HE enjoyed it.
When one partner in a late-in-life marriage is say VERY wealthy and one is debt ridden and poor it probably isn’t a problem with the wealthy one supporting the life style they are accustomed to, but in a “middle class” situation that might not be possible.
It is to some extent a “play it by ear” but at the same time, I would NOT support someone else’s bad business decisions to the detriment of my kid’s education.
hurt95 and Oxy,
I appreciate your insights on this, and yes we are older than you were, Oxy, when you married. Yep, I’m the one who is barely middle class (I fit into a “low income” category) and he is the one who has crushing debt. I’m scared of being pulled under by his debt (because it truly is crushing — not something easily paid off and not something that can be discharged in bankruptcy. It is student loans for his child, and parent loans have fewer options 🙁 These debts will follow him until the end of his days… they won’t die until he does.)
and I view couple money as “fungible” so it will affect me. I am working hard on sorting out my responsibility to him, should we become partners, or even if we marry. I don’t mean that I would get my name on the loans, but that he would bring a negative drain to the relationship, and I don’t know if I make a sufficient amount to not be pulled under by his debt. I wish I made more money so that I didn’t have such a dilemma.
But what you said gave me an idea, which is to take it slow and keep things separate for as long as it makes sense to do so, and later on if it makes sense, we could change it. I am very self protective, but then that is the part of me that causes me to wrestle with what my responsibility is. Selfish? or self protective? haha.
Debts are hard stuff.
20 years,
HE is the one who made this debt, and in my opinion he is the one who should discharge them.
So, let’s say he makes $50,000 a year and you make $50,000 a year, and he has $15,000 in payments to discharge his debts, meaning he has a NET spendable “income” of $35,000, so you have more income than he does, so if you and he live on his $35, and $35 of yours then you would both contribute equally to the every day living expenses and you would have some money to spend on yourself, or to finance your own kids’ college.
Now if he has say $25K income and $15K payments then there is going to be a problem with living in a “fair” way with both of you contributing equally to every day expenses Which would mean that you would be paying more of the everyday living than he would be or you would have to lower your standard of living very sharply.
I don’t think it would make sense for you to take on HIS RESPONSIBILITIES or to take on someone to “raise and support” either. I thought long and hard about this in case I might ever have another relationship in my old age…keep the finances fair and separate. I’m not taking someone on to raise at this stage of the game.
Sigh. Yes, it is more like your second example, but a bit worse than that. This just might be one of those cases where “the gods are laughing” because it looks like I have met someone genuine, very kind, nice, mentally and spiritually aligned with me… but there is worldly stuff getting in the way.
Yes, I have “spathdar” and I suppose I could be fooled (not easily, though!), but that is why I take it slow. I think the reality is that he made some unfortunate choices with good intentions, assuming his stable financial situation would continue, but the economy went south and so did his net worth and job, and now here he is with debts he took on during more optimistic times, which he would gladly repay if he could, but probably cannot. Like many of us in this economy, he has struggled to regain full-time employment so while he works very hard and is always willing to work, the most he has been able to get are “odd jobs.”
It is an interesting situation I find myself in, without easy answers! Most likely… I will remain single and separate, as you say… I have been supporting people all my life, and I don’t want to take on another dependent this late in life (in my present economic situation, I don’t see how I could). But I could and would take on a partner. There is a difference. Wishful thinking won’t make it so.
20 years ~ So happy for you that you have found a genuine love!!
I just have to add my “two cents” to your questions about finance.
For myself; I have NO intention of ever combining my income/expense with anyoone in the future. What I have when I am gone will be left to my children. I personally have no desire to put them in any future entanglements.
If I am lucky enough to find a GENUINE love then that is what it will be…..a love that I can share my heart; but not my finances.
For me, I just don’t see a need to be tied “in paper” anymore.
20 years
Yea, taking on a DEPENDENT at this this point in life is not something I am willing to do either….they would have to be able to carry their share of the load…grocery bills, utilities, etc. simply because I don’t have enough resources to support a dependent without sinking my own ship.
Oxy,
great article. thank you for writing it.
Knowledge is the ONLY thing we can use against spaths because it provides the clarity we need to extricate ourselves from their manipulations.
Without knowledge I languished for 25 years in the spaths clutches. Then, I told one human being who understood and explained the word, “malignant narcissist” and “being boring” to me, and I was free.
Since then, only knowledge has been my shield. Spaths may try to twist and contort the facts, but we already know that they will, so it’s easy to see through it.
Knowledge of the red flags should be taught in grade school.
20 years, It will be almost impossible to maintain vigilance every single day about who pays for what because you will find yourself wanting to make up the difference for the things he can’t afford. Furthermore, he will do things for you and you will feel grateful and also selfish if you don’t reciprocate. Then things spiral from there.
If he moves in with you and helps with the mortgage, now you owe him equity, etc…
What might work best is if he pays a set amount monthly for “room and board”. You would HAVE to report this on your income taxes so that it is legitimate as well as having a contract.
Then you can use the money to pay for those expenses that come with the homeownership. It won’t be that bad because you can depreciate part of your home and write off part of utilities etc… talk to an accountant about that.
This is what I did with my spath. I wanted my money to be separate because he did nickel and dime me to death. It still ended up being a disaster but the whole reason it took 25 years for the final implosion was because I was very tight fisted whenever possible.
I know it doesn’t sound romantic but you won’t have to think about it all the time, it will give you more control and you will be making sure that he doesn’t have a way to grab your assets later on down the line.
On the other hand, my spath, knowing I had protected myself that way, conned me into putting him in my will and buying some life insurance for myself. Then he had to kill me to get what he wanted. So be aware…